I can't research about his illness anymore. I'm too scared. I prayed today, and Natsuko did the same. We stayed silent in the room, our eyes closed.

Why him? He's done nothing wrong. They say that illness doesn't discriminate. It can affect anyone. You don't need to have done something. It can affect a baby, a mother, a husband, a grandfather. It can lay dormant or rip apart and take. It takes so much more than the person in its clutches. It takes the people who love that person, too. It has no emotion, or motivation. It is a creature without a brain, eating with no hesitation. Not caring one bit about the lives it destroys.

I tried to find out more about endocrine diseases today. I read for hours as he slept. Trying to find answers. I thought I knew what we were dealing with, blindly listening to Yokohara-sensei. I thought focusing on his heart issues was more important, that it was the worst of the two. When, in reality, they are interlinked. There is no separating them. They are part of the same system of disease, his endocrine system destroying all.

All I found when I researched was one word, over and over, until I couldn't take it anymore. Cancer. Cancer everywhere. A diseased endocrine system leads to cancer. Maybe this is why doctors say not to research online. To seek advice from professionals. But, I don't know where to turn anymore. I'm so confused. I don't understand what Yokohara-sensei is saying.

Maybe my mom can explain it better, in terms I can understand. The medical terminology is terrifying. I want her here, to explain to me that he won't get cancer. That what my online research told me is wrong.

But, he's so sick. How did it go from him having a sore stomach to this? I thought he was getting better, that we'd finally figured out how to contain all of this. But now, there's something else that I don't know. I want to know what else there is. But, I can't find any answers. There's nowhere for me to start to find the end that I want.

"Tetsu? What do you want for dinner? I'll order. Anything you want." My sister held her phone in front of her, ready to input our choices. She'd watched me all afternoon as I was on my phone. She knew what I was doing, how upset it made me.

I shook my head, my fists on my knees, my shoulders up. There was no way I could think of food. What was going on in his body? It was just like that one time when I first found out he's sick. Watching him sleep impossibly so much, so tired that he was unable to get up to go to the movies with me. Tired from what? I couldn't figure it out.

I'd sat on the couch opposite the one he slept on, in his apartment that day. I hadn't moved, as he slept for hours. Despite being so excited that I was with him, a rare afternoon off for me, he grew so tired that he fell asleep. I'd watched him fall asleep. He was talking to me about cooking, and laid back on his couch. Talking to me about Cajun shrimp recipes, something he wanted to try out, and have me eat. It sounded so delicious.

He slowed down, getting less animated. It was so strange. He didn't yawn, or exhibit the standard signs of being sleepy. His head dropped down to the side, and he made a long blink. No signs of distress. His lips parted, and his blinks got longer, until his eyes were fluttering. I said, "if you're tired, you can sleep." And he said, "no, no". But, his eyes closed, and the long blink became him napping. Right there, even though in a couple of hours we were going to the movies. He'd been excited to go, really wanting this date.

I went over to the couch, and laid him down, putting a throw pillow under his head. He looked so small. That was the most overwhelming thing about it. His body. I stood over him, watching. He was just exhausted. But, from what? He told me he'd cleaned that day, but that shouldn't have caused him to be so tired. To be knocked out like that, to fall asleep when talking to someone? About something you're so excited about? And I know how much he adores me. How much respect he has. To fall asleep while talking to me? So early on in our relationship, when he was trying to impress me?

This act let me know that without a doubt, he couldn't stop any of this, no matter how hard he tried. He was at its mercy. What was occurring in him that was making him so tired?

I'd researched then, as well. Looking on my phone, asking it what would make someone with an endocrine disorder so tired. It gave a lot of answers that didn't make any sense to me. The only conclusion I could come up with was that whatever was happening was so draining on him that he needed to nap. Eventually, I stopped looking at my phone, and watched him sleep. Wondering what was happening in his body, mysterious, horrible things that I couldn't even begin to guess at. It just caught me, how small he is. How small he is, and how much he has to deal with compared.

It's the first time in this situation that I thought it wasn't fair.

Something soft touched the side of my face. I blinked several times, and turned to it. A white puff was there. I recognized it, and took it from my sister. She was holding out a tissue to me. I held it to my face, realizing there were tears. Thinking about him on the couch, how fearful his sleeping made me, how helpless we both were. How helpless we always are.

Her hand went between my shoulder blades, my eyes closed as I wiped them over and over.

"It's okay to cry," she said, beginning to rub there. "You said you're scared, earlier. Me, too." I took in a long, deep breath. As I exhaled it, my throat choked, and a sound not unlike a suppressed sneeze came out. My face crumpled behind the tissue, and she went in front of me, her hand trailing with her. Her other one met it, and her embrace made it worse.

I struggled in her hug, and she released me soon after. I covered my face with my hands, curling over my knees. Her chair scraped loudly, and her knee touched mine. Her hand took one of mine, taking it from my face. I let her. She held it on the spot where our knees met. She shook it a bit, up and down.

"Tell me what you're thinking. Don't keep it inside," she said, still gentle, not demanding.

"I don't know." My voice came out raw, like I'd been yelling for hours, though I'd been silent. Muck filled my throat, difficult to get through.

"You do know. I know you must have been thinking about something. You're so quiet. Tell me. I promise I won't tell anyone."

I shook my head. The beeping of his machines swirled with it. But suddenly, I knew what I wanted to talk about. I pressed my lips together, taking a gasp of breath. Trying to steady myself.

She opened her mouth to say something else, but I beat her to it.

"I still...don't know how sick he is. How sick is he? What else don't I know? The more I think I know, the more sick he gets. Was he this sick the whole time? Yokohara-sensei said he has dealt with this before, the hyperthyroid issue. He never told me. I thought his issues were mostly with his diabetes and his heart. I ignored the rest. But, there's so much more. How sick is he? What more is there? I thought we beat it. I really did. I thought, 'now we have it under control, we can go on with our lives'. I thought, now we can go on dates. We can have a wedding. We can live. But, there's just more. It never stops. But, I can't think of myself in this. I'm not the one who this is happening to. All I can think of is him. How much he wants, and can't have."

"Tetsu..." Natsuko said quietly. It was easy to tell she was hurting.

I shook my head again, sniffing hard. "I want to know what else there is. What has he dealt with before? What can we expect? Not knowing is driving me crazy. I'm terrified. But, he's even more terrified than I am. I want to protect him, but how can I protect him? That's what's crazy. How can I protect him from himself? Can all I do... Can I really only comfort him as he suffers? That's not fair. I want to- I want to make him happy, and safe- I want to protect him- Natsuko, I want to protect him! He doesn't deserve this! I want to take it away from him!" Screaming. Unable to control myself anymore. Going crazy.

Her face fell as I started to yell. Her arms wrapped around me, finally the tears coming down, no more numb feeling. I wasn't in shock anymore. There was only pain. Just crazy pain. Knowing he was asleep right now like on that day when we wanted to go to the movies, both of us not knowing what's going on inside. Something eating away at him, not caring whose life it was ruining, making him so tired and weak that we were separated again.

As I cried, I realized something terrible, making me sob on my sister's shoulder. That word, separated.

We were like the weaver and the cowherd. Unable to see each other when we wanted, because of a river of stars between us. His sleep was the river, keeping him from me. His illness caused the river, something we both couldn't stop or overcome.

I wanted him to wake up. Something inside, pulling at me so hard that I wanted to scream. I wanted to see his eyes staring at me, acknowledging me. His smile, so happy to see that I'm there. I wanted to hold his hand, and feel his fingers squeezing it, no matter how weak they are. I wanted him to notice me, and I wanted to touch his sweet face, telling him how proud of him I am.

It would make it less scary. Being together like this, despite this terrifying reality. But, I couldn't wake him up. He needed to sleep, despite what I wanted. Was it selfish of me...?

"I want him to wake up. I want to see him. It's not fair, it's not fair..." I wailed, surprising myself. Natsuko began to rock me back and forth like our mom used to do. It gave such little comfort, that it scared me even more.