The early morning glow flowed in from the window, warmth coming from the streams. My favorite time of the day. He stared at me, holding me tightly. My eyes kept closing, and his look was one of concern. His strong hand came up and swept my bangs, and I closed my eyes again, opening them soon after.

My breathing was a little too harsh, this I knew.

"You're not feeling well," he said, finally. "What's wrong? Please tell me." So gentle.

My head leaned forward a little, my eyes closing again. It was too embarrassing to say, but I couldn't leave him hanging. It definitely wasn't an emergency. The sadness in his eyes made me wish there was nothing the matter.

The truth was, I knew what the bloating from the past couple of days was now.

"I can't," I said, under my breath.

"Your device says your blood sugar is okay. Is your heart pounding?" His hand went over my chest, but he couldn't feel it that way. It made my bottom lip poke out a little bit. Blush filled my cheeks. He was trying so hard. Was it selfish of me to keep this a secret?

But how would I ever keep it a secret? I needed help with everything. There was no avoiding it.

"I'm too embarrassed," I whispered.

My stomach hurt so bad. If I were normal, this wouldn't be a big deal. If I didn't need help with going to the bathroom, no one would have to know. The idea of having to do this with him there, having to help me sit up on the toilet... It was too much to bear.

"Don't be embarrassed," he gasped, his hand moving to my cheek softly, stroking it with his finger knuckle. "Is it...some kind of personal thing? Maybe... I know you have an IUD, but do you still get...you know...sometimes... Are you cramping? Is that why you're embarrassed?"

I shook my head. He was so sweet. I pressed my lips together.

"I don't want you to be uncomfortable," he said, quietly, searching my pained face. "Please tell me. We can figure out what's wrong, and you won't have to feel like this."

It's not as if I hadn't had bowel movements when he was there in the past. But, this might not be like those times. Still, every time was the worst.

My eyes fluttered. All of my strength was going towards controlling my stomach. Prolonging this situation. To be honest, it was draining me. I wouldn't be able to go on much longer. What if I waited too long? That would be even worse. I had no choice but to tell him.

"I'm so ashamed."

"Why?" He asked. "Why would you-" In a split second, realization dawned on his face. Deep blush made my cheeks and ears hot. He immediately made to get up, throwing our covers off. Only the concerned expression on his face told me it was going to be okay. My chin went down, even so.

He stood up and hurriedly walked to my side of the bed. He undid my arms from my curled up pose. In only a moment, I was in his arms.

"Come on, honey," he said so sweetly to me. "It's okay. Why didn't you tell me? There's nothing at all to be ashamed of. Everyone has to go, you know? Everyone on earth." He said this as he carried me to the bathroom effortlessly.

He stood me up in front of the toilet, and bent down, shoving my sleep shorts and panties down my legs. Our routine. His arms went around my torso, and helped me sit down. Ever so gently, his palms pressed my shoulders back, making me sit straight.

Now that I was on the toilet, my stomach churned in madness. But, I couldn't let it out. My body refused. Seeing him there, so kind. It wasn't fair to him. He shouldn't have to be doing this.

He shouldn't have to be taking care of me like this.

His mouth dropped open as I erupted into sobs. Rolling sobs, my hands covering my face. So suddenly, he was hugging me. I was sitting on the toilet, and he was hugging me like this? My body jumped in my tears, as he rocked me softly back and forth.

"It's okay, honey," he said into my ear. "I know your belly hurts. It's okay. I want you to feel better. It's okay. Shh. Shh." His cheek pressed to mine, so dearly.

But, I was inconsolable.

Afterwards, I was completely spent. We were back in bed, and he'd wrapped me in the blanket, patting it down so that it covered me comfortably. His arms were around me, my face tucked into his neck.

I could only think of his happiness. Yesterday, he'd seemed so happy. Feeding me chestnuts at the movie theater, laughing at the movie, all those things.

I just wanted him to be happy. Was he really happy having to take care of me like this? Having to stand there, holding me on the toilet, as I did bodily functions? Wasn't that too much? He was always worrying about me. Not able to go out and do fun things, see his friends. How long had it been since he'd seen his friends and hung out with them? And he cried so much. That part was unbearable. Seeing him cry all the time.

I was sniffling before I knew it.

"Honey, oh, oh, oh..." He whispered, pulling me closer to his body. "Shh. Shh." His warm lips were on my forehead, kissing me over and over, small kisses.

My sobs were back. Pathetic sounds.

"Is your belly sore?" He asked so kindly. "Do you have to go again? It's okay. I've had those days, too. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Do you need to go again? Please tell me. I want to help you."

My noises increased, my face going more into his neck, muffling me a little. His arms tightened around me, hugging me with the strongest grip.

"Are you-" I choked out, "are you- really happy? Are you-"

"Ohh, honey," he gasped, his arms re-wrapping, finding different places. One slipped down, bending my legs and bringing them over his own, and the other held me around my upper back, holding me like he'd never held me before. An overwhelming feeling of protection filled my body. Needing him. "Yes," he said, taking on the most gentle tone, soothing. "Yes, you make me very happy. Don't worry."

"But are you happy- I don't know-"

"Baby," he sighed, repositioning himself to look me in the face. My swollen eyes saw him, his eyebrows peaked, his lips a bit pursed, so concerned for me. "I'm so happy. There's nothing to worry about. Are you okay? Why are you asking this all of a sudden?"

"Be- because." My breaths were hyperventilating. No control. "Be-cause, you shouldn't have to- to take care of me like thi- this-"

His mouth opened, his eyes so full of worry. "Honey, calm down," he said, starting to rub my back. "It's okay. Breathe, baby. Shh. It's alright."

"It's- not- al- right-"

"Baby... I love you. Please calm down. Please, please..." He pressed my face into his neck again, my favorite place. He started to rock me back and forth, just like before, and just as gentle.

My breaths only became more shaky. What could we be doing instead of this right now if I were normal? Going out to have a nice brunch, going on a date, performing together? Performing together... My sounds got high and long, uncontrollable.

As if on cue, his gentle breaths became a song. Answering me. Singing in my ear, one of his songs that I knew by heart. About love that climbs over bridges, flies over the clouds, and endures, carving paths into the very earth like rivers, so determined to make it to where it's going. A story in a song.

When he finished, I was calmed a little bit. Sniffling still, but my sounds were quieted, just listening to his voice. He hugged me tighter and kissed the side of my face so dearly.

"It's okay," he assured me again. "I've got you. I won't let you go. I love you."

"Tetsu..." My voice was low in my throat, raw from my crying.

He kissed my hair line, and my body jumped in a suppressed sob. This only made him hug me closer, and I was pressed so tightly against his body that it was a little hard to breathe, but I didn't care.

"Why do you even love me?" I asked, my throat taking on a whine, still coming from that raw place in my throat. "What have I done..." My body jumped in my sobbing again, not deserving any of his love.

"You're everything to me." No hesitation. "I'll never be able to explain it all. Baby, please don't cry. Please..." He shushed me again, comforting me.

"I'm so ashamed." It came out in a whisper. My throat was too raw, too painful.

Tiny tsking noises came from his mouth, the most soothing of sounds. He began rocking me again, and my eyes closed against his neck. I was so close to him, that I could hear his heart beat. It was so steady and strong.

After a while, he stopped these things. My breathing was slowed, my body relaxed. His hand stroked up and down my blanketed back, making my eyes flutter in pleasure in the secret place against his neck. Quietly, he started to speak, and there was no way he thought I was awake.

"Why do you love me?" He asked the air. "What have I done to deserve that? That's what I want to know. What did I do to deserve you? You're such a nice person. How did I attract such a person? Nobody like you has loved me before. Your kindness makes me uneasy sometimes, like surely there must be something under there that isn't that kind. But, I know there isn't. It's so str-" He stopped suddenly. His body jumped a little, like mine had been earlier. "It's so strange," he continued, breaking down. His arms adjusted on me again, holding me in a different position, but not moving me at all. "You're so kind that you're even embarrassed to go to the bathroom? What did I do to deserve someone so kind?"

His cheek rubbed on my head a little, and he sniffed back his tears. He was quiet for a while, but continued on.

"Don't be embarrassed, my darling. I don't care that you have to go to the bathroom. I just want you to feel better. You being in pain breaks my h- heaaart..." He drew out the last word, a long sob. He cried for a little while, and then went on. "You're so kind. I don't know why you have to be sick. I wi- wish, that I could take you somewhere nice. Where you don't have to be sick anymore. I want to- I want to-" He choked a little bit, hugging me closer, because I'd become a little loose in his arms as he lost himself. "I don't want you to cry anymore. You don't deserve to cry. I love you." He sniffled hugely. "You love me, and I love you more than anything, so don't cry anymore. Don't cry anymore."

But, his words had the opposite effect. Silent tears came from me. Hearing his true feelings, his private thoughts. The things he couldn't say to me.