My finger pressed on my phone quickly and repeatedly, my other hand over my mouth. The rabbit hole I'd found myself in was leading me down a strange path.

I'd checked in with Lyra's fan community for the first time in about a month. I hadn't forgotten about it, but there was so much going on, that I'd put it on low priority. Now that things were calmer, I looked at it again and what I found pulled me in like a hook around my waist.

A new fan with a question about Sana's illness posted a thread a few days ago that linked to a series of threads from 2010, about an incident that had happened at that time. I'd heard of this incident from Yami, very briefly, back in December. In his panic about Sana, he'd blurted out about it, wondering if it had something to do with causing Sana's heart attack. I'd asked him to elaborate afterwards, but he was very tight lipped. He didn't trust me at the time. I hadn't had the courage to ask anyone else. I didn't know any of them very well yet.

Wondering about this incident plagued me throughout December, but by the end of the month, I'd put it on the back burner, too. That incident had happened a long time ago. Sana needed me in the present. I had to focus on that. So, I never found out anything more about it. I'd searched online in December, going back to 2010 in their blogs. But, then I remembered that Lyra doesn't talk about personal issues on their blogs, and gave up.

I never imagined that Lyra's Little Stars would know about it...and that it had been so public. It had been right here in their fan community all along, and it was worse than I had imagined.

Japanese Little Stars were talking about it feverishly in these linked threads, people who were there giving firsthand accounts. Not one of them was mean spirited, and everyone was so worried.

I learned there is a video of what happened, and it was right here at my fingertips. That the incident, horrifically, had happened during a concert. Someone had posted it, from their cellphone camera in one of the linked threads. They said were recording the live show for other Little Stars, something that Lyra encouraged due to being mindful that they have so many international fans who can't attend their shows. This person had clipped the video from the longer show, posting it for others to see exactly what had happened.

The thread with the video was hundreds of comments long. Reading through it, I knew what happened in the video. It was horrifying. Now my hand was over my mouth, my finger hovering over the clip.

Should I click it or not? What was really on this video? Did I really want to see it? What was the purpose of me seeing it?

Sana's head was laid on my lap on a pillow. My hand lowered from my mouth and petted his hair slowly. He'd felt a little nauseous after lunch, and Sawai-san wondered if it was because he wasn't used to her cooking right now. She was on her phone again in the living room with me, typing something to someone, smiling a little bit to herself. Sana was sleeping so peacefully.

I looked back down at my phone. One earbud was in my ear already, because I'd been listening to music before this. If I clicked the video, I'd hear the sound of it. I couldn't imagine... Did I really want to see this?

Staring down at Sana, watching him, it suddenly occurred to me that I already knew. My lips pressed together. I had to know. It was his medical history. It was important for me to know. I had to be informed, so I could take care of him to the best of my ability. I could be informed about what happened, in case I had to bring it up to a medical professional, just in case.

My finger pressed on the video, and my hand went over my mouth again.

The sound hit my ear, and the image started to move. He was in a voluminous white modern dress, but not like a bridal gown. It was more like a ball gown. The skirt was enormous, all tulle. The bodice was a tight corset, so pinched in. The top had a layer of draped sleeves with beading coming off them, coming from the front of the sweetheart neck of the bodice, an off the shoulder look. His hair was a long, ringletty wig, a white silver color which reminded me of Marie Antoinette, but styled in a Victorian way. It absolutely dripped in white pearls and shining rhinestones, like stars in the sky. In the middle was a silver tiara, with the strings of the pearls and rhinestones coming off it. His choker was made of the same stones and pearls, an elaborate piece which took over his entire neck. He wore white satin gloves in an opera cut, halfway up his upper arms, and cuff bracelets which matched the choker. He seemed to be covered in a white powder all over, his skin as white as his dress. His eyelashes were exaggerated and white, lined in black and grey. His mouth was grey as well. The more I watched, the more I realized he was supposed to look like a marble statue come to life.

He was the only one on stage, singing a solo. I recognized the song immediately. Who wouldn't? It was popularized in the film The Fifth Element, a song called "Il Dolce Suono", from Donizetti's Lucia di Lammermoor.

He moved around on stage, singing so beautifully that I sighed. His voice was light and airy, so young sounding. As if Lucia, the character from the opera, were a very young character. I knew the story. In the opera, Lucia has to get married to a man she doesn't love, and in this scene, it's revealed that she has killed him on her wedding night, for she's gone mad in thinking that if she does this, she's free marry the man she actually loves. She sings this song, shocking the wedding guests who are still gathered downstairs.

Sana was striding around stage, acting like Lucia. An opera star right before my eyes. His arm stretched out, shaking, his face contorted in the pain of the character. He grabbed his skirt, twirling around and stumbling, but then regaining control and putting his hand on his chest, closing his eyes and tilting to the side, so in emotion of what was happening in the song.

If I didn't know what was about to happen, I'd be enjoying this. It might even be one of my most favorite things he's ever done. I almost forgot, as I couldn't take my eyes off of him, what I was really watching. I realized halfway through, that his voice was incredibly this loud, bouncing off the walls, without a microphone. Just like how it's done in opera.

My mouth opened and I gasped as his fingers went into the middle of his sweetheart neckline briefly, his eyes towards the ceiling, and with a fluid movement, red came out of his fingers. It dripped down his dress, cascading, and he closed his eyes, lifting his hand above his head. The red dripped on to his face and down the jewelry on his neck. He smiled at the audience, pausing in the song. His hands rubbed on his bodice, and he showed his bloody hands to them. One grasped at his chest in emotion, and the other went out to the audience, curling a bit, as he went into the last of the song, full of beautiful high tones, making my ear extend to heaven.

He closed his eyes, going so high and thin in his voice, like a string of delicate light, getting so quiet in it. The audience was so silent you could hear a pin drop.

A tiny gasp came from me, as his quieter and quieter singing petered out into nothing. The sound just cut out, like someone pressed a button. His mouth closed, and he descended, his dress billowing around him. He laid in the tulle, no movement from anyone for a few seconds.

An enormously loud female scream came from the side of the stage. A bassist came out running, her bass still around her body on its strap, calling Sana's name. She started shaking him, trying to get him to wake up. The audience realized that his falling was not part of the act. They started shouting and screaming Sana's name. Nobu rocketed out of the wings, shoving the bassist aside hard and shaking his head at her in horror. He mouthed something to her, the audience so loud that it was inaudible. He looked so young. Panic was all over his face, and he was quickly assessing Sana, his medical training clearly there even then. Yami was the last to appear, running in front of them and yelling at someone off camera to draw the curtains and to get the fans out of there. The person taking the video was talking now, whimpering, asking people around her what was happening, calling Sana's name. The video cut out.

"What are you watching?"

I jumped so hard, gasping. I blinked a few times, my eyebrows creased. I sniffled.

"You're crying. Are you watching a sad movie?" Sawai-san asked. "You don't need anything else sad. Watch a comedy movie." She was smiling at me.

"Oh." I sniffled again, wiping my tears. They were curling under my chin. I put my phone down on the armrest closest to me. "No, I'm not watching a movie. I wish I was."

"Hmm." Sawai-san put her cellphone down on her lap. "What are you watching, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Um..." I fumbled with the edge of Sana's blanket. My hand went to his back, rubbing in long strokes. Sana. My mind was disconnecting. Was that really Sana on that stage? Had that been him, out cold in a pile of white tulle?

"If you're not comfortable..." Sawai-san said, looking at me so kindly. As we locked eyes, my stomach jolted.

Sawai-san. My hand stopped rubbing Sana's back in my sudden realization. My mouth dropped open.

"Um... I found the video of Sana's...a-accident on stage from a long time ago...just now, and I watched it, and-" Tears were going down my face again, no control, saying this out loud.

"Ohh," Sawai-san breathed, concern making the lines around her eyes deepen. "Ohh, honey, don't watch that."

I nodded, my breath shuddering. I looked down, and Sana was still sleeping so peacefully. He was right here, so many years later. Safe, warm, sleeping. How was that the same person?

"What...what happened? You were there, right? You took care of him after that. What happened? Nobody told me, and I just..." I was sputtering. Trying to get it out. She got it anyway.

"I understand. You should know. It's part of his medical history."

I nodded, blinking hard. "That's why I watched it. That was exactly my thinking. I regret it now..." My hand rested on Sana's side, trying to protect him, even though that incident had taken place more than ten years ago.

"Well... I've seen the video, too. I know where it ends." She heaved a deep sigh. She leaned on her elbow on her armrest. "Well... Yuuhi called me, and he couldn't get a full sentence out. He told me to get to the hospital as quickly as I could, to walk out of work. I did. I met them at the hospital, and Nobu told me Sana had a heart attack on stage."

"My god..." My hand went over my mouth.

She nodded, her brow creased in remembering. "It was terrible. It turned out, that he'd been having a costochondritis attack. It's inflammation of the rib linings, caused by his endocrine disorder. He'd had attacks like this before, but not one this bad. It was so bad, that it restricted fluid from draining where it needed to go, so fluid had filled his heart cavity. So much so, that the heart could no longer pump well. His heart was fighting to pump in that fluid for so long, getting more and more pressure on it. He stopped breathing and went into cardiac arrest."

My mind went back to his performance. The expressions of agony on his face. His hand clutching his chest at times. When he stumbled and caught himself... Were those an act, or were they real? Nausea curled in my stomach.

"Annie was beside herself. Poor thing, I hugged her the whole time. She needed an adult, and I was there to provide. They were so young-"

"What- Annie?!" My voice was too loud. My hand went back over my mouth, glancing down at Sana to make sure I hadn't disturbed him.

She nodded. "His girlfriend at the time. She tried to revive him first. She was traumatized."

She tried to revive him first... I gasped quickly. Realizing like a lightning bolt hitting me. The image of the bassist on stage, shaking him. Her hair was in a large 80's ponytail, and she was dressed in 80's clothes. Sana's voice in my head, saying that he could always recognize Annie by her ponytail even in a crowded room, because it was in an 80's style all the time, because she was obsessed with the decade.

I'd watched Annie without even knowing it. She was right there, going through the same things I was going through. The same panic, the same desperation, the same tears. A kindred spirit. Suddenly, my ache to know her was unbearable.

Sawai-san leaned forward, her hands on her lap. "Honey, are you okay? Do you want me to keep talking about it? You don't need any more sad things. You know the medical part of it now."

"I don't know..." I said, thinking about Annie's face in the video, a face like she was breaking apart, dying herself. How many times had I felt like that? Countless times.

"Maybe we should talk about it later? I don't want you to cry any more than you have. That video is really traumatizing. I wish you hadn't seen it."

I nodded slowly. I sniffled, wiping my cheeks again. The image of Annie's face. It was stuck there in my mind.

"Here, honey, let's watch something funny, okay? Let's get our minds off it. It happened a really long time ago, okay? I know you just saw it, so it seems like it just happened, but it was so long ago. Sana is here with us, he's okay."

I nodded, sniffing more, despite myself. She was absolutely right. It had happened so long ago. But... The sound of Annie screaming Sana's name in the video... I'd screamed like that before. The more I thought about it, went over it in my mind, the worse it got.

Sawai-san got up and I watched her turn on the TV. She grabbed the remote from the TV stand, and went to sit back down in her chair. She checked her watch. "Let's see what we've got here," she said. "A funny movie. If you see a good one, let me know." She pointed the remote at the TV and started to scroll in Netflix.

I tried really hard to contribute, but all I saw and heard was Annie, a mirror of a ghost of myself.