"Mom?" I picked up my maigasa from the ground and closed it, putting it under my arm. She was walking towards me, wiping her eyes. I glanced at Sana quickly, and he looked okay, sitting on the porch swing.

In less than a moment, she was embracing me. My free arm went around her, hoping that my maigasa wasn't poking her. She just held me, not crying anymore, but visibly shaken.

"Mom, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

She parted from me a little. "Your dancing is so beautiful. Do you know how long it's been since I've seen you dance?" She wiped her eye, then went to wipe it again. I wiped it for her, making sure I got all of it.

I tried to think. How long had it been? When had she come to see me in concert last? Startled, I really couldn't remember. When had I last given her and my papa tickets? Had I been that careless?

"It's been seven years," she said. "Time flies."

"I'm sorry, mom."

She shook her head slightly. "I'm just glad to see you dance. All those years, paying for your lessons and seeing you enjoy learning...I'm so glad it's led you to the life you have. Seeing you dance and sing is always my favorite thing, because I know you enjoy it so much, and I played a part. That's why I'm crying."

My arm went around her again, and she was hugging me. I hadn't expected to see her cry. I'd lost myself in my dance, thinking about joy. Thinking about the clean air, and being happy to be home. Seeing Sana sitting on the porch swing, which is something I knew he liked, being outside among the flowers and hearing the birds. So different from being in the hospital and seeing the world outside out of reach. That's why I wanted to dance today. Enjoying the Spring weather, being so happy together. Being happy always made me want to dance.

She continued on. "This kimono is so pretty on you. Where did it come from? This color is so nice." She was fingering the long sleeve, examining the little golden flowers.

She thought it was pretty on me? A blush began to form on my cheeks.

"Uh- um." An unexpected stutter. Too shocked at her words. "Sana is a kimono enthusiast. He owns a lot of vintage kimono. Oh wait- mom, you like kimono! I bet you two would have a lot to talk about!" I turned to him. My hand went up to my cheek, checking my face. It was so hot. But, she was still looking at me.

"I like the way you did you hair," she said, smiling at me. "It's smart. Did you use bobby pins or a clip? And your makeup compliments your features well. I bet you could teach me a few things. What kind of mascara did you use? Your eyelashes are so long."

My hand was still on my cheek. Where was this coming from? It was unusual for her to compliment me when I was dressed like this. But, when was the last time she'd seen me dressed like this in person? Oh, right, it was seven years ago.

"Uh- thank you. These are fake lashes, but I used Shiseido mascara."

"That's my brand, too!"

I found myself chuckling with her. It was the most surreal thing in the world.

"You need to tell mom that you want to wear a wedding dress. You don't need to tell her everything-"

"Natsuko!" I gasped at the volume of my voice, and lowered it, putting my hand over my mouth next to my cellphone. "How can I do that? Just because she called me pretty..."

"It's because she called you pretty. It means she doesn't care. Don't you see that? Tell her, then we can go dress shopping. We can go to Ginza! Don't you want to go to Ginza?"

I sighed, putting my hand on Sana's chest. He was laid on the couch, his head on my lap. He was looking up at me, curious as to what I was talking about. I could tell from his eyes. My mom had gone out to shop for dinner, something so normal and usual. It was a little jarring to be back in this routine. But, what was not usual was our interaction this morning, and I'd called Natsuko as soon as I was sure my mom's car was out of the driveway.

She sighed at me, too. "Think about it. She's always loved your dancing. Don't you think she was trying to tell you something? She doesn't care that Sana likes to wear women's clothes. She's never said a word about it to me, and you know how she talks about everybody-"

"What- mom's a gossip?!"

She started to laugh. "Are you kidding? And you thought I was the biggest gossip in the family? What do you think she calls me about? 'Natsuko, I think the neighbor is cheating on his wife, he keeps coming home late', 'Natsuko, the other neighbor has kinky lingerie on her laundry line today.'"

I laughed with her. "I can't believe it! She never talks about that stuff with me!" This was just reminding me how little I'd talked to her over the years. I couldn't believe it had been seven years since she'd come to see me perform. How often had I really talked to her? It made me uncomfortable.

"I'm saying, if you tell her you want to wear a wedding dress, then maybe she will start talking to you about this stuff."

"I want her to... But, how do I tell her? You don't think she'd be mad? I mean..." I began to smooth down Sana's bangs to comfort myself. He smiled, gazing up at me. It warmed my heart so much. My lips puckered at him, and gently blush started to bloom on his face. He was the cutest thing in the world.

"Well, you heard her today. 'What kind of mascara are you wearing?' So proud that she uses the same brand, her wanting you to teach her about makeup? Listen to her! She already accepts you. I've suspected that for a long time. If you recall, she used to buy your makeup and things for you for dance when you were growing up. Did you think those just appeared? This isn't the first time she's admired you wearing a kimono. She's really so proud of you. You're the only one of us who takes after her."

"What? That's not true. Naoko at least did what mom wanted. She went to college."

"That's not what I mean. You think she's not proud of you? She paid for all those dance lessons, and then you took up traditional singing, too, on your own! Mom loves the traditional arts. She'll never outright say it, but wow, Tetsu. Do you know how much that means to mom? That you made a career out of her favorite thing? I know you're not entirely traditional in what you do, but you took what she gave you and now it's how you make your living. I bet she'd be proud of anything that you do! And for her to say that you're pretty, to your face? Asking positive questions about your makeup, saying she likes your wig? I think she's the one who's trying to tell you it's okay. All you have to do is walk over that bridge that she's already building for you."

Any words I had left my mouth. Sensing this, she went on.

"And now you're married, too. You heard what she's said about Sana, right? She's so proud that you're taking care of him like you are. In her eyes, you can do nothing wrong. You need to tell her now, when she's dropping hints. Maybe she already guessed? Maybe her next question could be, 'what kind of mascara do you want to wear on your wedding day?' What do you think?"

No. Her talking about Sana had brought my words back. I shook my head. "I can't tell her. What if she decides she doesn't want us in the house anymore? I can't tell you how awful that would be. That would be..."

Natsuko sighed quickly, a huff. "We've gone over this. She wouldn't do that. But, if she did, then you two can come stay with Haru and I. I'd yell at her. But, honestly, I don't think she'd do that. I think she'd try to convince papa that you're doing the right thing, more than anything. She'd be your ally with papa."

Papa. My chest clenched up. How terrible. Thinking of him now. I'd been so concerned about my mom's reaction, that I had put him on the back burner.

"Oh, Natsuko, how would I ever tell papa?! No, I can't do it. This is a terrible idea!"

Something poked my belly. I looked down, and Sana's hand as on my obi. It made me realize quickly. I bit my lower lip as I remembered that we hadn't talked about any of this. My fears about my parents, of them kicking us out of their house if they found out I like women's clothes that aren't meant for costumes. It was all tumbling forward. Out of control. Suddenly, I was out of control.

What was I wearing?! This was crazy. How did I think it was okay to wear this at my parents' house? What if my papa came home? Would he buy that I was wearing it to practice dance? For my mom, that was one thing, I knew she appreciated my dance, but my papa... We had a history with this subject. My heart was racing. I had to get out of this kimono!

"It's not a terrible idea!" Natsuko gasped. "You're forty now! That's too long to keep this a secret! I can't imagine, forty years and you can't be yourself? Because of fear? You need to be brave!"

"What are you talking about? 'This'? I've only wanted to wear a wedding dress for about a month."

"I'm talking about all of it! Your being non-binary. You deserve to be able to dress how you want, identify how you want. Our parents and nobody should be able to stand in your way!" She was raising her voice a little, almost scolding me. My hand went over my chest, but began to flutter around my kimono's collar.

I decided to ignore what she'd just said. Pretend I didn't understand. My breathing was starting to hurry. My eyes went to the left, where in the next room there was the front door. My papa. If he saw me wearing this... How many more hours was it until he was supposed to come home?

"Papa has never approved of my wearing of women's costumes on stage and for dance," I said quickly, reminding her of something she already knew. "You remember how he protested our teacher when she insisted."

"Well, mom was able to convince him, right? She can convince him now!"

"It's different- it's different-" I had to go change. But, I didn't want to leave Sana... I'd take him to the bedroom in his wheelchair.

"It's not different. Tell me how it's different?"

"I can't, Natsuko. I need to go. I'll talk to you later."

"Do you want me to come over and help you explain it to mom?"

"No. No, I don't." I hesitated, knowing I'd just cut her off.

Her voice came quieter now, a different, gentler tone. "Tetsu, you sound a little weird. Are you okay?"

I sighed deeply. "No, I'm not okay."

She was silent on the phone. My eyes darted down to Sana, and then to the left again, my ears listening for any change. Sana poked my belly again, and I looked down at him. With a long sigh, I replied back to her, dread and shame filling my nervous belly.

"I have to go now. Call me later. We can talk more. But, mom will be here."

"Okay. Go calm down. I'm really not trying to force you. I just think it's wrong that you have to hide. I know papa can be pretty strict and authoritative, but he might come around. He's very different than he was when we were growing up."

I nodded, even though she couldn't see it. "I'll think about it."

"Good. Go calm down. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay. I'll talk to you later."

I hung up, and tucked my cellphone into my obi. My hands descended to the sides of Sana's face, and he turned it, kissing one of my hands. It made me smile despite my panicked feeling. I stroked his cheek with my finger, and he looked so calm, that it was making my nervous feeling ebb away a little bit.

"Let's go to the bedroom," I offered, trying to be discreet, but he'd heard everything I'd said.

"Okay," he agreed, not saying anything else. Love and appreciation welled up in me for him. He made it so easy. My hand went into his hair, and his blissful smile made a matching smile appear on my face, despite everything I was feeling in my body.

As I got us up carefully, I just thought, without Sana, I don't know what I'd do. And as I wheeled him to our bedroom, I sighed again, lamenting having to take off this beautiful kimono which belonged to him, a sadness overtaking me, because I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. Forced by others to conform.

But, maybe there was hope, a strange feeling beginning to mix with this familiar sadness, as I closed our bedroom door. My mom's crying face, complimenting how I looked in this kimono. Natsuko getting excited about going wedding dress shopping in Ginza. Sana lending me his kimono collection in the first place, always so supportive of me. But maybe, my mom was always supportive of me, too, and I just hadn't known it.

This last thought made me hesitate to undo my obi. I stood in the full length mirror, staring at myself, unsure what to do.