Early in the morning, I pressed a number on my phone. My hands were shaking. Unable to take it anymore. Needing to talk to someone who was not my family. Someone, who might understand.

My phone rose to my ear, ringing. I gripped the side rail of Sana's bed, hearing his precious beeping machine to my left. Steady beeps, telling me he was okay.

Groaning met my ear. "Oh. Ohh. Hi. Good morning."

"Good morning, Keitaro."

"Are you okay? I've been wondering about you. You haven't been posting to your blog. You usually post every day. Are you have lovey-dovey time? Enjoying being married?"

I gripped the rail harder. I shook my head, my eyes tightening at the corners. My breath shook. "No. No, I'm not. Sana is in the hospital. He... He might die." My breath was shaking so much. I was telling myself to breathe, but it was no use. Saying it out loud. What in the world was I saying? Was it a lie?

"Huuuh?!" Keitaro's response was so loud. "What happened?!" Almost shouting in his shock, not in anger. It made me wince anyway. His wife was speaking quickly in the background at him.

"He... The..." Breath was escaping me. Saying that word out loud. Die. No. It wasn't true. "He- after the party... He was in the hospital, I posted about that. But, he... After he came home, he was so sick that he couldn't get up and he... He peed the bed, and I knew that was... That was serious, because he's an adult, and... And he couldn't move at all, and he was in pain, so we took him to the hospital and... Keitaro, it's his heart. He's too weak to move, or- or be awake, and he's just getting worse... The medications... They're not good enough, and... And... He's suffering..." Numbness. Just numbness. Speaking like I was a robot.

"Breathe. Just breathe." He could tell I was struggling. "He won't die. Don't say that word. Are you in your hometown? I want to come down there."

"But- no. You have your work, and- I read that you're doing a signing today at a store? You have promos. You have to- It's your career."

"Fuck the promos. You're so much more important- my god, what are you saying? Promos?" He sounded so angry, but I knew he wasn't. I knew him. He was scared.

"But..."

"No. I'm coming down there. Which hospital is it? I have to go down there. You need me. That's why you called me, right? Well, I'm going to be there for you. You don't have to worry. You need someone in your corner."

"We're in Tokyo. In fact, we're close by your house."

He paused. I heard the sound of his bedsprings. "I'm coming now. Tell me the room number. I'll be right there. You've been so close this whole time that I could have walked there! I'm going to run over there."

I told him the room number. I was staring into the darkness.

"I'll be right there. Ten minutes. Relax as much as you can. I'm coming." He hung up, and I was left staring at the light of my phone, this blank feeling in me. Surreality.

Keitaro was hugging me, as I stared at the white wall of the room behind him. When he'd seen Sana, he'd stopped at the door. I knew the look on his face. It had become real as soon as he saw him. We hadn't spoken, he'd just embraced me. He was holding me for a long time.

He finally spoke. "Don't think about it," he said. "Don't you dare think for a second that this will end badly. You have to know it's going to be okay."

This snapped me back to the reality in the room. The same one Keitaro was in. And all of a sudden, I couldn't take it. All of my hopes were blown out of the room like a giant wind had taken them away, at his words. His words, having the opposite effect.

"He's declining," I burst out. Sound gushed out of my throat. Everything inside, breaking apart like a dam falling down, so violent. "He's declining, and there's nothing we can do about it. I hate that word. I hate that word, 'declining'. Keitaro, I hate that word..." I was wailing, grabbing at him, pulling him so tight to me. "Every time he wakes, it's for shorter and shorter times. I just think, is it going to be the last time? Is it the last time he's going to know I love him? Is he going to know that I'm here when he- when he-" I collapsed into him, everything coming out.

"He's not going anywhere. Please believe it. Please, please." Keitaro held me in his sure arms.

"He's leaving. He's-"

"No. No, no."

I broke down in my tears, crying over his shoulder. He kept repeating this word, "no", like a spoken lullaby.

"If he goes, what am I going to do? What am I- he's the only one who understands me." I was losing it. Everything coming out. I couldn't stop myself. I didn't care anymore. "He's the only one who knows I'm a woman inside. He understands. Somehow, he understands and he thinks I'm beautiful. What- what am I going to do? What am I going to do?"

"Shh, it's going to be okay."

"Keitaro, if he goes, no one is going to understand me anymore. He understands me, when I don't understand myself..."

He started to rub my back. "He'll keep understanding you, because he's not going anywhere."

"The- the doctor said we have to start thinking about...contact who needs to be contacted, his family, his friends, to come see him. I- I can't do it."

"You're not going to have to do it. He's not going anywhere. Shh. It's okay."

"He- I was told he wants to be cremated in a white dress, and-" I made a loud sound like a sneeze, that was the start of a sob. My face went into his shoulder.

"You're not going to need that dress. It's not going to happen."

"But..."

"Shh. It's not going to happen."

"I can't talk to anyone about this. My family... They want to contact his family, but I don't want his family... They don't understand him. They abandoned him! They're all my family will talk about, I can't talk to them about any of this... So, I called you, and..."

"I'll talk to your family. I knew you needed someone, and that's why you called me. I'll speak for you. Don't worry. If you need more people to speak for you, I'll call them all. It's over. You don't need to do this alone."

"Keitaro..." My voice was so pinched. My throat hurt.

"Shh. It's going to be okay."

I nodded into his shoulder, and I just cried, unable to speak anymore. My throat hurt too much. He held me the whole time.

In the afternoon, it happened again. Natsuko was with Keitaro and I. Keitaro had acted like I hadn't said anything to him. He greeted her as normal. We were talking about music, about the promos for the single that Keitaro was missing today, when all of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye...

I rushed to the bed before anyone else saw it.

"Huh?!" Keitaro asked, mid-sentence.

Sana's eyes were open. His eyes were swimming around, looking around in a dazed kind of way. His hand moved, much more movement than I'd been seeing. I leaned over his face. I saw him smile under his mask.

The most ridiculous thought occurred to me at that exact moment.

"Oh- you can't see me! You don't have your glasses on!" I gasped. The whole time... This whole time, he hadn't been able to see me clearly. All those smiles at me. Telling me he loved me. He hadn't been able to see me as he said them. I made a quick breath sound with a whimper attached.

Natsuko was fumbling in his purse. She pulled out a purple glasses case and prised it open. She handed his glasses to me. I gingerly put these on his face. He blinked twice, and all of a sudden, he was there. Staring at me so solidly. Like he knew exactly where he was, like everything snapped into place. Incredible.

I leaned over his face again. That smile spread. A light pink spread on his cheeks.

"Hi, baby," I said, smiling with him. My hand went to his hair, which I knew he liked. His eyes closed as he felt my touch, but his eyes opened again. So solid.

"I heard you talking," he whispered.

I gasped. He was talking to me! "Yes, my sister and Keitaro are here. Did you hear us?"

He nodded. I wanted to hug him, but he was connected to so many machines. I didn't want to pull a wire. Instead, I gathered both of his hands in mine. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say something, but I never knew what to say when he was awake. I was trying so hard, searching.

"I like hearing your voice," he said.

"Oh- oh- I like hearing yours, too." I sniffled. I couldn't help it. He was talking to me.

"Don't cry, you're so beautiful. I want to hold you."

"I'm sorry. I- I want to hold you, too."

"Don't be sorry." Said in a smaller whisper. "Don't be sorry. It's okay."

"Okay."

He was just smiling now. I wanted to kiss him, but I dared not lift his mask. He needed that much more than my kiss. So, instead, I leaned over him. A compromise. My lips kissed his mask. He giggled, such a precious sound. When I parted from him a little, I saw his lips puckered under there. He was making a ridiculous face, puckering over and over. I was laughing, incredibly. He was making me laugh, even like this.

He grinned. We smiled at each other for a moment. His smile faded, and his eyes drooped. His head went to his left, towards me. I held his hand tightly in my hand, but still comfortable for him. I didn't want to accidentally hurt him again. It would break my already broken heart.

"If you're tired, you should sleep," I said to him, so desperately not wanting to say this. I didn't want to say good-bye. I wanted to smile with him. Tears were coming to my eyes, and with his glasses on I knew he could see this, but I couldn't stop the tears.

"I love you," he said, so sleepy.

"I love you, too, my darling. I love you so much."

He smiled, and closed his eyes. I stood there, holding his hand. I breathed, my lips parting and meeting over and over, breathing through my teeth. My breath getting caught in my throat. After a while, I knew he was asleep again. I sat down, still staring at him.

Without a word, Keitaro sat down next to me. He wrapped his arms around me, and was hugging me so tight. My sister came around to us, and wrapped her arms around me from behind.

"No," I mumbled. "No! No..." A raspy sob came from my throat, no breath anywhere. I cried with abandon, and they never moved, holding me as I lost all of myself.

"Is that what you meant when you said he's been awake a bunch of times? Does this happen all the time?" Natsuko wanted to know. She'd ordered food for us, and we were eating together. I was forcing down gyudon. I knew he'd want me to eat. It would be the #1 thing he'd care about. From the first time we met he cared about it... This memory made me stop eating, shocked.

I swallowed. "Yes. It happens mostly at night and the early morning. He's awake for a few minutes, but I don't know it until he opens his eyes. By then, he seems to be too tired to stay awake."

"How do you know it's a few minutes?" Keitaro asked.

"Sometimes I catch the change in his breathing, if I'm really paying attention. He breaths slow and steady when he's asleep, but he has quicker breaths when he's awake."

"Wow. I can't believe you can catch that." Natsuko sat back in her chair, looking at me fascinated.

"I only do sometimes. If I'm really paying attention."

"But, maybe... I don't want to say anything bad, but- Maybe that means he's not as bad as Harada-sensei thinks? He doesn't know to what extent Sana is awake. He's never seen one of those. Sana was speaking. He was- that doesn't sound like- maybe..." Natsuko sounded shocked.

"He usually doesn't speak. The last few times, it's been seconds. He'll look up at me, he won't even smile. I know he's seeing me, but... It happens all the time. But, this time was definitely different. When we put on his glasses! I can't believe I forgot he can't see me. When we put on his glasses, he was really looking at me. He was there. We connected. I don't know how to describe it. It was different."

"Is this anything like it was in December? Maybe, similar patterns? Signs he's getting better?" Keitaro was clasping and unclasping his hands on his lap, nervous.

"No, December was entirely different," Natsuko sighed. "This is nothing like that at all."

"Darn it. I was hoping," he sighed, too.

"We should tell Harada-sensei, though, as soon as possible. I had no idea he was awake so much! Harada-sensei has no idea! Maybe it means the medication is working!" Natsuko was smiling now. So full of hope.

"I- I don't know. I don't know if it means something. He's been doing this the whole time. But, he wasn't speaking much before. This time was so different."

"He's been doing this the whole time?!" Natsuko shouted. "Crap! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. But, Tetsu! Why didn't you say anything?!"

"I- I don't know."

"This changes everything! We have to tell someone!"

"We should calm down first," Keitaro said, his hands up to her to calm her down. "Breathe. You can't say anything if you're all over the place."

"That's true! Ah! Why didn't you say anything, Tetsu?! We thought he was asleep like- like- Ohhh, Tetsu, this changes everything. It might not be as dire as we thought." She breathed deeply, as instructed by Keitaro.

"I don't know." My throat was squeezing up again. "He wasn't speaking before. Thank goodness... I just... Thank goodness..." My hand was on the side rail of his bed, gripping it so hard. My head dropped, and I found myself hyperventilating. Keitaro's hand dropped onto my back and started rubbing vigorously. It felt good. "I- I don't know if it means he's getting better... I don't know if it was a bubble of strength and then he will... I don't know..."

"You have to believe it's because he's getting better," Keitaro ordered me. "You have to believe it."

"I don't know. I don't know."

He kept rubbing my back.

"Okay, I'm calm!" Natsuko yelled. We both jumped. Her suddenness made me burst into laughter so strangely. Every emotion was coming out, no control. Keitaro took this as a sign to laugh, too. She shot up quickly from her chair, her chair scraping backward. "I'm going to go tell the doctor who's here! He'll tell Harada-sensei when he gets here! We've got this! It's turning around! I know it!" She started running, charging out of the room.

"That's dangerous! Slow down!" Keitaro warned, laughing at her.

"No time!" She called back to us, as she ran out of the door.

Keitaro chuckled, and kept rubbing my back. Somehow, deep inside of me, they were both making me feel better somehow. Their words and actions. So different from what I would have chosen. If I were alone... I'd be so broken if I were alone. But, somehow, they were making me have hope.