In the car, my hands were over my mouth again, making sure to cover my cheeks. My blush just wouldn't go away.

I wanted to grab Tetsu and go to town on him, so many fantasies filling my head. Make him pull into an alley. Climb into his side of the car, straddle him, no regard to the steering wheel digging into my back. Make him do things- I realized I was blankly staring forward, thinking this. But, there was no stopping it. And judging from the way he was blushing, I knew he'd be game for it.

I was seriously thinking about asking him. But I had no idea what the penalty for having sex in a car would be if we were caught. I also had to consider what I was wearing. I looked down at my black V-neck, long sleeved men's sweater and slim cut, men's khaki pants. I adjusted my black framed glasses on my nose for the millionth time. I had to calm down.

My hands folded in my lap, tightening and untightening together, as I was deep in my thoughts.

Yesterday, at Disneyland, we'd freely kissed and hugged and touched. We'd been so free to do these things. Everyone was happy that we were. I could lose myself in the memory. But, now. If we did those things in the grocery store, dressed as we were now, we wouldn't be met with the same enthusiasm.

To be honest, I don't know much about being part of a gay couple in Japan. I'd been dating a woman for so many years, and I never wore my feminine clothes when I was with her. She'd begged me to, but I was so worried. However, now, I wanted to be free to be myself, no matter how I was dressed. Especially with Tetsu. I wanted to freely be myself, an overwhelming feeling. I also wanted to do this to hopefully encourage him to be his full self, too. If I was afraid, how would he ever not be afraid? I was an example of how he could be if he could find the courage.

This reinvigorated me for a few moments. But, I fell into worry again.

In the past, he and I would go out with me dressed in men's clothes. But, it was nothing like when I was dressed in feminine clothes. When I was dressed in feminine clothes, we never stopped holding hands. He'd kiss me without thinking about it. I'd feed him some of my food at restaurants by hand. But, when I was dressed in men's clothes... I had noticed he'd seemed to pick up on my cues. My worry. I'd touch the tips of my fingers to his when we sat together in restaurants.

Shame filled me, as I realized something. I wouldn't take his hand when I was dressed in men's clothes. Did he think I was ashamed? Maybe, ashamed of him? This made my cheeks hot. There was no way I could be ashamed of him. I was just worried. Worried about what people might say, their judgment. I didn't want anyone to say something to us.

But the thing was, I was thinking about the reaction in America, confusing the two experiences. American ones were my only experiences of the kind. When I was in middle school, I'd been out at school. My parents had no idea. I'd had a girlfriend. The other kids had been so cruel, and teachers hadn't been much better. They'd purposely seat us far away from each other. They called us "best friends who were going too far". The counselor at school had told us to cut it out, or they'd tell our moms. So, my girlfriend acted like she'd just been pretending, shaming me in front of the counselor, claiming she never liked me. I knew now twenty years later, she was trying to protect herself. However, that didn't negate the hurt I'd felt at the time, and still felt.

Thinking these things now, I realized I had no idea what the reaction could be like in Japan. I knew Japan didn't like public displays of affection in general, but between LGBTQ people? What was that like? What could the reaction be like? I knew I was afraid. Shamefully afraid. I'd been out for over twenty years, but that didn't stop the fear.

I reached over and put my hand on Tetsu's knee. His familiar jeans felt good under my hand. His hand landed on mine, and I sighed inside.

"Can I ask you something?" I made my face look as cute as possible, hoping to get a good response. Something to stop the fear twinging away at my heart.

"Yes. What's wrong?" He'd detected the apprehensiveness in my voice. He glanced over at me quickly a few times.

"Hmm. Can we talk about... How do I put it..." I put my finger on my chin in thought.

"Hmm?"

"I don't know, I've been thinking about how I'm so... No, that's not how I want to phrase it. Oh, what do I want to say?"

Tetsu was pulling us into the parking lot of a fast food restaurant now. My voice must have sounded really distressed. "I'm sorry, we don't have to stop. I don't feel sick. I just wanted to talk about something." I shrank into myself a little bit, embarrassed.

"It sounds serious. I want to be able to give you my full attention. I can't do that if I'm driving." He turned to me as much as he could in his seat. I followed, turning to him, too. He took my hands, and began rolling them back and forth. His mood must have been good. Was I about to ruin it?

"I don't want to ruin the mood."

He smiled that smile I love. I blushed. I was blushing so much since yesterday. Everything he did made me blush, it seemed. Like we'd just met again. "You're not going to ruin anything. Don't think that. You never ruin anything." He continued rolling our hands on the middle console.

"Okay."

"What's wrong? We have all the time in the world. It's okay."

"Okay," I repeated. I looked down at our hands. His were so beautiful. Rosy pink nails. Slender, long, tapering fingers. So much bigger than my hands, easily enveloping mine. His looked so strong, and I knew they were. I squeezed them. He squeezed mine back. It made my heart open. I breathed deeply.

"Hmm?" Such a cute sound. The rain grew more intense on the car, pounding sounds. Maybe it was best we were stopped.

"Well, I don't know how to be delicate when I say this. I don't have the language, I think. So, I have to be blunt. I'm sorry." I bowed my head a little. He began rubbing the back of one of my hands with his thumb. It was like a warm wave.

"Anything you have to say, I won't be offended. If that's what it is."

Oh. My stomach pinched. I breathed deeply again, letting it out. "What is it like to be gay in Japan? I've never experienced that. How would people react if I were to kiss you when I'm dressed like this? If we hold hands? If I feed you at a restaurant?" I felt my feet start to wiggle, so uncomfortable with what I was saying. "I know in America, there's the potential for someone to come up to us and yell at us. We could even be attacked in some parts of the country, or really anywhere in America if we find the wrong person. I'm afraid-" I stopped myself. I'd just told him I was afraid. I shrank into myself further. I hadn't meant to say that last part.

"It's okay to be afraid," he said, his voice so gentle. I looked over at him, and he was smiling so gently. He leaned back in his seat, gazing at the ceiling. "To be honest, I'm relieved."

"Huh?" I definitely hadn't expected that response. It caught me off guard.

"Yeah. I've been wondering for a while about this part of you. I noticed how shy you are when we're both dressed in masculine clothes. I tried to be sensitive to it. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

I jumped a little. "I'm not uncomfortable with you! I just meant..." What did I mean?

He chuckled a little, so beautiful, looking at me now, his eye crinkles showing. "I know you're not uncomfortable with me. You show me plenty of affection. But, I wondered what was stopping you when we were both dressed in masculine clothes. I noticed how much affection you show me when you're dressed in feminine clothes. I thought that's just how you felt most comfortable, being dressed that way. I thought maybe you were uncomfortable in masculine clothes at first, especially after you told me you like feminine clothes. Honestly, the first time we went out with you in feminine clothes, it was like night and day! I couldn't believe how affectionate you were being with me in public! I loved it. But then we went out again with you wearing masculine clothes, and you stopped being affectionate again. It made me wonder. Now here's the answer after so long." He chuckled again, to himself. "I'm so relieved. Is that what it is? You're worried about other people?"

I nodded. "You're very observant."

He turned his body to mine again. "Of course I am. I pay attention to you all the time. I never want to miss a moment."

I leaned in to him. I looked around, checking. I puckered my lips. He unclasped our hands, and took my cheeks with the tips of his fingers, so delicate, and his lips met mine. My body relaxed fully automatically. He intensified the kiss, and the realization of where we were floated back into my brain. Trickles of cold fear dripped into my chest. But, I didn't want to stop. His kiss was too sweet.

He parted from me, and I let out a hard breath. My eyes were half lidded. I wanted to do it again immediately, but he went on.

"Ah, our first kiss in a public place while dressed like this that isn't behind curtains!" He said, triumphant. I couldn't help but laugh, and he laughed with me. "Now, what were you saying about America? I thought America was so accepting. Am I wrong?"

I nodded my head rapidly. The hint of sadness was on his face. A crestfallen look. He went on, a more careful tone. "I thought you could hold hands there and nobody cares. Is that not the case?"

I sighed. "In some areas, yes. There's gay neighborhoods, just like there are in Japan. But, for much of the country, doing that could even turn to violence. I've read so many stories of such attacks."

He nodded. "I've read stories of attacks in Japan, too. That's why I don't blame you at all for being afraid. Unfortunately, I don't have any stories of my own experiences showing public affection. None of my previous boyfriends would even hold my hand in public. They were scared, too." He took my hands now. Because of what he'd just said, it meant even more to me. I gripped his fingers harder than usual. "I wish I could say, 'you don't have to be afraid', but that's not true. I totally understand. But, I guess I'm a bit bolder. I want to bend the rules, and shout that I love you. I guess that is a little too bold. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Oh, Tetsu." I pressed my lips together. "I want to shout that I love you, too. You don't make me uncomfortable, ever. It's not you. I wish we could run around, holding hands, shouting that we love each other."

He smiled, cautiously. "Me, too. I really want to do that." He leaned in again, and suddenly he was kissing me. Full on, unashamed, making lip smacking noises. These noises caused tingling inside of me, made me wiggle in my seat. His beautiful, plump lips, sucking on them, and-

He parted from me, at first trying to hide his smile, but then grinning so much his eyes closed, curling at the edges. I was smiling, too, a floaty feeling in me. He'd completely taken me away. I'd lost my train of thought.

"What were we talking about?" I asked, starting to laugh. "You wiped my mind!"

"Yay!" He said in English, overjoyed. I burst into giggles, and he giggled with me, his finger knuckle touching his lips in a small attempt to cover it up, so adorable. He cleared his throat, still smiling. "I told you that I understand you're afraid. I admit, I get a little apprehensive when I think about showing affection with you in front of others. It's just a complete feeling of wanting to protect you from their judgement. I know we could get told off, or someone could call us a name. Something like that. I find it's more older people who do that. Most people tend to mind their own business, but you never know. I've heard stories from my own friends who are gay or bisexual."

"You have gay and bisexual friends?" My eyes widened.

"Yes, plenty!"

"Who are they?" I stopped myself. "Oh, but you shouldn't tell me. Especially if they're in the entertainment industry. I don't want you to out anyone."

"Yes, I can't say their names. If they come out to you, that's one thing. I'm glad you understand."

"Of course I do. I had to hide that I'm trans for so long. I'm still not comfortable with coming out about that. I definitely understand. I don't know what I'd do if someone outed me."

His hand reached for me, and pulled me in for an embrace. His chin rested on my shoulder. "I understand that better than most."

I hugged him tightly. "I know. That's one of the reasons I'm so glad we have each other."

He nodded into my shoulder. I noticed the rain was letting up outside. "So, what do you want to do about showing affection? I understand if you're a bit afraid of it. We don't need to decide now. But, I would love to hold your hand when you're dressed in men's clothes. I think about it sometimes."

I sighed inside. I steeled myself. "Then let's try it. I'm still afraid, but..." A sudden realization made me not have to think about it anymore. A lifting. "If someone came after you, because we're showing our love, I would stand up to them. I wouldn't let them hurt you. They shouldn't get mad at us for showing our love. They're the ones who are wrong."

They're the ones who are wrong. That was completely right.

Tetsu's arms tightened around me, hugging me so passionately. "I love you," he breathed, a wonderous tone to his voice, beginning to rock us back and forth.

"I love you, too." I closed my eyes, relaxing into his rocking.