I was laying down again after a very delicious dinner. I'd eaten way too many yakitori. There were still some left, so Tetsu and his family were casually eating them and talking. My tummy felt so content. After all that panic about food, his mom made the solution seem so easy. Her words of not to worry were true. We'd figure it out.

Tetsu was sitting next to his sister, and they were going through her wedding binder, pointing at things and talking.

"I don't see how there's much left to discuss. What we need to do is implement it. I don't see how we could do that remotely. Do you have a date in mind yet?" She was saying.

"No date yet. We wanted to do it in late April, but we see how that isn't reasonable."

"I see. Yeah, all the planning that goes into it... Even if you were doing it here in Japan, that wouldn't be doable-"

"What about your birthday?" His mom interjected.

"Huh? My birthday? That's even more unreasonable!" Tetsu was laughing.

"That's not what I mean. Your birthday is in a few days. What do you want to do for it? You're turning forty. That is a big birthday."

"Oh..." He quieted. I stared at him as he paused. He looked uncomfortable. He put his fist to his mouth and cleared his throat in a kind of cough. "Well, I haven't really thought about it. My focus is being here."

His birthday. Something inside of me was uncurling, a nervous feeling. I knew it was going to be his birthday soon, but I hadn't been able to think much about it. A terribleness was stirring up with the nervousness.

"We have to do something," Natsuko said. "She's right. Forty is a big deal."

"Well, I don't want to leave the hospital. I would rather be here with Sana. He's my husband." His words seemed final, just that tone. To me, he was saying, 'I'd rather not discuss it further'. But, that wasn't right, either.

"It's going to be okay. We'll figure out something. But, what do you want for your birthday? Anything you've been thinking about that you want, some item? We'd be glad to get it for you. You've been trying so hard," his mom went on, pressing.

"No, I don't want anything. I have everything I need right here. As long as Sana is doing okay, I'm happy."

"Te-chan..." His mom sighed.

"Think of yourself for once. Ah- Sana, you're awake, right? Tell him!" Natsuko smiled at me, seeing my open eyes.

All I could do was smile at this. They were right. Forty was a big deal. Either way, I wanted to celebrate him. He deserved so much. He was being way too humble. What was the reason?

"We should do something," I said, smiling, too.

"Let's see. What have you done in the past? I'm trying to remember what you said." Natsuko was already on her phone, typing something rapidly in.

"Oh, a few things. Friends have taken me out to restaurants, we've done karaoke, bowling, gone to clubs and places like that. I don't want to go out, though."

"Okay. Well, that doesn't leave us with many options."

His mom looked thoughtful. "What would you want to eat? I know you like sushi. I can order sushi."

"Hmm. That could be okay." He seemed almost shy about this. I wanted to release that tension somehow. Why was he so nervous? I wanted to ask him. The conversation was going too fast for me to think about it clearly.

"Are you sure there's nothing you want? No item?" She asked, her voice taking on a little distress. It was clear she was now worried about him now. Maybe she saw what I was seeing, too. His avoidance.

"No, nothing. You've really done enough. It's okay. Sushi is good enough. Thank you."

"Hmm." She looked disappointed.

"I know. Maybe we can do something bigger when Sana is out of the hospital. Right?" Natsuko was smiling at me again. "Back me up here."

"It depends on what Tetsu wants," I said.

"It's really no big deal," he said quickly, shoving his hand into his bangs and pushing them back. A nervous gesture.

"So stubborn," his mom sighed.

After they left, we were watching TV as we laid together. The lights were off, and only the lights of the TV were illuminating us. The different colors danced on him, as I watched him instead. He was watching the news so seriously. Without a sound, my fingers found his and intertwined as much as I could. He looked over and smiled at me, and he intertwined them more strongly.

I'd been thinking this whole time. Trying to reason about what I knew about him, why he might be shy about his birthday. Was it responsibility? Was he too involved in me and what I needed? But that just made me feel bad. He needed to think about himself. I decided to come right out with it.

"Can we talk for a bit?" I asked. He nodded, and reached behind him. The TV turned off, and we were almost in darkness but for the streetlights shining in from the outside. He looked beautiful like this.

"What's wrong?" He was immediately concerned. It made my heart warm. Always thinking of me, but maybe he was thinking of me too much.

"Why don't you want to talk about your birthday?"

He paused, taken aback. His eyes were wide. I thought he looked caught.

"Well..." He blinked a few times, then pressed his lips together, his eyes cast to the side. He made a small sound in his throat, then looked back at me straight on. "There's no use hiding it. It seems kind of silly..."

"Nothing is silly. I want to know."

"Okay." He smiled again, a small one, and it was a relief to see it. He sighed deeply, but smiled even more, causing me to return my own. His hands clasped even tighter around mine. "I don't want to turn forty. Who wants to turn forty? I don't want to celebrate that."

"Oh lord," I said in English by mistake. I started laughing, couldn't help it. He started laughing, too. "Is that really all it is? I thought there was a bigger reason."

"Hey, it's a big reason," he said in between his giggles. "I guess compared to other things it isn't. But yes, that's really all it is. I've been dreading forty since I turned thirty. It's kind of silly."

"So, you really don't want to celebrate it because of that reason? I thought- ah..."

"What did you think it was?" He poked the tip of my nose, so cute. I wiggled it, and he giggled anew.

"I thought maybe you were so worried about me that you weren't thinking about yourself."

"Well, that's part of it, too. It's kind of an excuse, if that's okay. But really, I just don't want to be forty."

"You're adorable."

"What?!" He was grinning so much, so beautiful.

I sighed, so relieved. "That's not a good reason, though. You still deserve something nice. Forty is a big achievement."

"Is it? I don't know what I'd want, though. Can we-" He burst into giggles again, and I had to, also. He was really being so... He was so happy. It was like a breath of fresh air. All that worry for nothing. He doubled over a little, curling on the bed. "Can we just agree that I'm turning thirty-nine again? Maybe I'd be okay with celebrating if we said that."

"Okay. You can be thirty-nine for a while."

"Thank you." He breathed in relief.

"What did you do for your thirty-ninth birthday?"

He was playing with my fingers now, a little preoccupied. "Hmm. I don't remember, really. All of my birthdays kind of blend together. I'm pretty sure I drank with people from Mermaid Orchestra and we went out somewhere. I got a porcelain figure of a mermaid from Keitaro. He's always so thoughtful. My company got me some roses. They do every year, but ah, they're not going to this year, obviously."

"Do you want roses?"

"Yes." He smiled a little wistfully.

"I'll get you some."

"Oh, Sana..." He sighed deeply, and his arms went around me. With effort, I was able to get mine around him. He gasped, feeling this. He slid closer to me, our bellies touching, holding me tighter. Muffled, he started whispering to me. I strained to hear, but what he said broke my heart. "I wish we could go to the beach. That's what I want. The beach in my hometown. I know we can't do that yet, but... Maybe..." He hesitated.

"It's okay," I whispered back. "Tell me what you want."

"I- I want to sit on the beach with you. I want to watch the sunset. We haven't been there together yet. I've been thinking about that a lot, lately. I want to go there with you."

I didn't know how we could do that. But, I knew for certain I wanted to. Everything inside of me wanted to. It was such a simple thing to want. It seemed so simple, but it wasn't simple for us. I held on to him, trying to figure out how we could do it as he spoke, but then he started saying impossible things, and I just wanted to cry, but I couldn't show my tears. My Tetsu... He wanted something I couldn't give him.

"Whenever I feel sad, I think about us dancing in the waves together. We splash around, laughing. That's all I want."

"We'll do that. I promise." A lie. My lips pressed together, as my eyes started to burn and warm, trying not to show him this.

He saw it anyway. "I'm sorry," he whispered, pulling me closer. My face pressed against his neck, as my tears flowed. Shameful tears. "I'm sorry. It's okay. It's okay."

"Don't say sorry." I sniffled, closing my eyes. "That's what you want. It's okay to want that."

"But..." He began rubbing my back, sounding a little awkward now.

"I'll work hard," I promised. "We can do it next year. We'll dance on the beach."

"Sana..." He kissed the top of my head, and put his cheek on it. His favorite pose.

Late at night, he'd fallen asleep. I was having a dilemma. I knew his cellphone was in his pocket, because I'd seen him absentmindedly put it there earlier. I'd come to one conclusion. From what his mom and sister said, his birthday was in a few days. I didn't have a lot of time.

He said he wanted the beach. I'd thought for a long time after he'd fallen asleep. How could I do that? How could I give him the beach with me like this?

I'd figured it out. Now, I needed his cellphone to look it up. I didn't have a lot of money left, in fact, this might be the last of my money. But, that was okay. He was worth it a million times. Now, if only I could somehow get his cellphone out of his pocket without him noticing.

I'd realized, all I had was the ability to promise. And what I figured out was the best way to visualize that promise.

Sneakily, I began to move my arm downward towards his waist. He didn't stir, I was going so slow. With all of my willpower, I reached his pocket. A little more... Closing my eyes and creasing my brow, I was able to manipulate my fingers, finding his cellphone peeking out from the top of his pocket. I opened my eyes, staring at his adorable sleeping face. His mouth was slightly open as he slept, such a deep sleep.

Finally, his cellphone fell out of his pocket. Still staring at him intensely, I slipped my hand down and found it. Narrowing my eyes, so nervous, I slowly brought it up to my face after forever. Fumbling, I pressed in the code I'd seen him use to unlock it. I brought up the internet browser, and went to Amazon, inputting my account. He'd never know, because I was using my own account.

Peering over the top of his phone, checking to see if anything had changed, I was certain. I looked back at the screen, and began typing, tickling nervousness winding up from my gut to the top of my head like electricity.