I wish I wasn't here anymore. It's too bad. I'm too sick. Make it all go away. I don't want to think about it anymore.

I know that even if I could turn back time, time would still lead to this. There's so many things I wish I could save, but there's so much that I wish would be erased. I want to go away somewhere. No more doctors telling me what to do. No one saying what's best for me. Don't they think I know what's best for me? What's worth saving? If I can't walk and I can't eat, what's worth saving in me?

Even when I'm dreaming, I'm in a wheelchair now. I can't even escape in my sleep. I'm always getting stuck somewhere, not able to move. My friends try to help initially, but they abandon me. It's a metaphor for what will happen. "You're too difficult, we want to go live our lives." That's what they'll say.

When I think about Tetsu saying that... It's too much to bear. I want to stab myself in the heart, get it over with, it's the same thing. Some day, he might realize that he has so much life to live without me, and I'll die right there. No need to say another word.

I want to show him all the things I wanted to do. Convince him to stay. He wants to go to Hawaii, so we could go to Hawaii. We can do all the things he wants to do, and then I'll show him my secret, favorite spots. We can eat chicken katsu the Hawaiian way. We can go to my favorite beach and be like children. Anything.

I want to tell him that I've always wanted to go to Vienna and Venice. I want to take him to Schönbrunn Palace and we can gawk and walk around. I want to take him to Kaerntner Strasse and dance with him up the street, not caring if we're in anyone's way, too happy. I want to take him to Venice and we can delight in knowing all these famous musicians have walked the same streets, wondering aloud about who's famous footsteps we're walking in. I want to buy him a rose, and take him on a gondola ride, so romantic. Maybe we can go during the Carnival of Venice and be amazed.

Where else does he want to go? Where can we go? What can we see? There's so much I want to do. I can't do any of them, because I'm like this.

What is the point of living anymore? I can't go on a gondola ride. I can't dance with him in the street. I can't walk on the beach. I can't try delicious foods in Rome or Paris. I can't explore or do anything spur of the moment. I can't even go to the bathroom by myself. I might start shaking and have low blood sugar, pass out. I might have a cardiac event and then it's game over. I can't do anything.

He deserves a better life than this. He's so kind. He doesn't deserve this. He deserves to go away and have a happy life.

"You're crying again. That's okay. I'm here." Said so high in his voice, feminine. It's the voice of Aurelia. It brought fresh tears to my eyes, and I realized I'd been crying. Thinking these things. He made a sound in his throat and tutted at me, fussing with my hospital robe, smoothing the front of it. He rearranged our blanket slightly, making sure I'm okay and warm.

He wants to make sure I'm warm. More tears were coming, and there was nothing I could do to stop them. His hand wiped them away, pulling at my cheeks in its effort. I hiccupped, and he made a pouting face.

"Why would you want me?" I asked, my voice hesitating like a secret.

His mouth opened, but a soft smile spread on his face instead of saying anything. He took me in his arms in our laying position. He pulled me to him, and I found my face on his neck, one of my favorite things. He smelled a little sweaty, and I loved whenever he did.

"Because you're special to me," he said, so gentle, in that same voice. "You're so special." Almost a whisper.

I completely lost it. Nothing else to say. He held me as I shook in my tears, making little sounds to me to comfort me. That's all I needed in the world.

In the evening, his mom and Natsuko arrived. They wanted to order dinner for us, but Tetsu had to explain to them what my new diet was. They were confused, and Natsuko named the elephant in the room.

"What is he supposed to eat, then? I was going to order KFC. Usually he can eat that with the skin taken off? I thought that was safe. And the coleslaw? Can he not eat that now, too? What is he supposed to eat?"

"I know hospital food," his mom said, deep in thought. "Low sodium meals and low sugar meals are completely different. I don't know how they'd combine them. However, now we know a potential cause for his cardiac events. That is very good news. Ah-ah, I wonder why they don't put him on a diuretic instead? Flush out the sodium, don't limit it. But, if a sudden surge of sodium causes high blood pressure and a cardiac event, that wouldn't work." She sighed. "We can talk to Haru about this. See what he thinks. This is complicated."

"You're right! I should call Haru and see what he thinks we should eat. You're a genius." Natsuko whipped out her phone and started dialing.

I went right on pretending like I was dozing, my face pressed to the side of Tetsu's thigh. I didn't want to deal with this. Tetsu started to pet my back from his seated position, and I really could have fallen asleep. When his nails joined in, scratching my back sweetly, my eyes rolled up into my head. I let out a long, silent breath.

"I know there's low sodium soy sauce," he offered. "But, we'd have to make such a meal from scratch. We can't order out and ask for that. I don't know. So many foods have sugar in them. I read today that eating even a cup of white rice is the equivalent of eating a cupcake? Can that be true? That's so dangerous... And instant ramen can have twice the amount of sodium that you need in a day? Can that be right?"

His mom reached out and touched his hand. He sighed deeply, obviously stressed.

"The important thing is that we know now what could be causing his heart to be in trouble. I know it's not the whole answer, but I'm so glad Harada-sensei found that correlation. With that kind of news, this is secondary. We can figure this out. I'm really relieved." She paused. "In fact, on the day in November when he had his heart attack, weren't we eating food that was very high in sodium?"

Tetsu gasped so loud.

"Haru? Yeah, hey! So, we're in the hospital with Tetsu and Sana now. We have a question. Yeah, I get that you're busy. It's really quick. So, we were wondering what can kind of food we can eat that's low in sodium and low in sugar. Got any ideas? ...Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Sana can't eat lettuce...no spinach. No beef. Haru! Come on! Ugh. He doesn't like fish... Well, I can't just say... Uh-huh. Yeah. I guess not liking fish and not being able to eat fish are two different things. That's true. How about chicken dumplings? He likes... Oh. The soy sauce. Got it. Hmm... Boiled things? Like what? Okay. You have a lot of nice ideas. What? I can give you a compliment when I want. Tsk. Okay, go back to work. Go back to work! Stop kidding around, you dumb doctor! Haha. Love you, too."

"What did he say?" Their mom asked immediately, a touch of worry in her voice.

"He said boiled, steamed, or grilled things like tofu, egg, vegetables, and chicken. For now. We'll figure out more. But, there's loads of things we can do with that. If Sana liked fish, then we could do way more, and he was a bit upset that Sana doesn't like fish, because that would open up so many more possibilities."

"He likes shrimp," Tetsu piped up. "Is that too salty?"

"Let me look on my cellphone." Silence followed for a few minutes. She sighed loudly. "Yeah, too salty. Apparently it's soaked in a brine. That sucks. But it says lots of other fish are naturally low in sodium. Are you sure he doesn't like any of it? That must be so hard, living in Japan... But he comes from Hawaii, too. Don't they eat a lot of fish there, too?"

"I don't mind white fish," I said, my voice slightly muffled in my position. I didn't care. I wasn't looking at them anymore, my eyes closed. I wanted to go away.

"Huh? White fish? Are you awake?" Tetsu asked, rubbing my back with more vigor. This made me relax. I realized I'd been so tense during that conversation.

"Yes."

"White fish, huh? I bet there's lots of stuff we can find with that."

"No, I know what to do. Is everyone too hungry right now? Can we wait? I will go to the grocery store and then to Tetsu's apartment and cook. I can make kenchinjiru. It's the solution." His mom sounded decisive.

"Mom, you don't have to do that," Natsuko said quickly. "We can figure something out. With him liking white fish, we can-"

"It's not safe. What if they use too much salt? We can't take that risk. I can make sure there isn't much salt if I cook things myself."

"Mom..." Tetsu sounded like he might cry.

"It's okay," she said, her voice taking on a comforting tone like only a mom's can.

"Okay, if that's what you want to do..." It was obvious Natsuko wanted to say more, but she didn't.

"Wait," Tetsu said. "Hand me Sana's purse. Don't go to my apartment if you're going to cook. Go to Sana's. He has the best cookware, so many types. He'll have everything you need."

"Oh, good idea," Natsuko breathed. I heard the familiar sound of my keys rattling and clinking.

"I will. I'll make yakitori, too. If I'm controlling the amount of salt myself, then it should be alright. It'll be like a treat that way."

Strangely, I found myself smiling. What a weird response. Somehow...was she making me feel better?

"I like yakitori," I said, quietly.

"Yeah, you like yakitori?" Tetsu asked, sounding happier, too. He ruffled my hair, and I was smiling even bigger. "Aww, you're smiling! Oh, Sana..."

"I will make a lot of yakitori, then. See, there is so much we can do. Low sodium means nothing, you'll see." Said so warm.

It matched the warmness I was feeling in my heart. A weird thing, of love. This ball of light in there. It was telling me that I wasn't alone. They weren't leaving, they were trying even harder. It seemed impossible.

The door opened and closed, and Natsuko immediately launched into the next thing without skipping a beat. "Hey, you want to harass Haru at work?" She asked. "I know he's just doing paperwork in his office. Let's play a prank."

Tetsu started laughing. Oh, that precious laughter. "What kind of prank? That's silly."

"I don't know! Help me come up with ideas."

They laughed together, and I found myself smiling even more. So weird, to go from such despair to such happiness in one day. Could it really all be just because of their love and determination for me? Was it that simple? How could it be that simple? I felt like I could fly away, so happy.