Chapter 102: -Tetsu- Loss
He was sleeping now, completely spent. There were blues blooming outside into the morning.
He'd spoken for so long. Even more so than how long he'd been awake, I was shocked by his words. This shocking story he'd told me. I knew from my swimming thoughts, I wouldn't be sleeping today. It didn't matter how tired I got.
He'd chosen to tell me the story I'd wanted to know. I hadn't asked him to, but he'd chosen to open up about this thing, which I'd been wondering about for so long. This deep source of his grief.
As I touched his face, adoring him and letting my touch tell him it was okay, he'd told me this thing gently. He was studying my reaction the whole time.
"The thing is, I haven't told you much about myself. I was worried. There's a lot there that people don't want to deal with. Even my friends don't know these things. Yami only knows because he was there and paying way more attention that people usually do."
"Okay," I said. "I want to know."
He breathed in, still studying my face. "Well. I know I told you about Annie. But, did I tell you she died because of me?"
"Why would that happen?" I asked, cupping his cheek.
"Because she was coming to visit me. I told her to. We were going to go for a ride on her motorcycle. I was selfish. I wanted to ride with her. I thought she was so cool. I wanted to see what she was wearing that day. She dressed so punk. I wanted to see her ponytail that she always wore. I could always point her out in a crowd, because she dressed so 80's. She was obsessed with the decade. She looked like she stepped right out of a Princess Princess music video with that hair. So, she hopped on her motorcycle and got hit by a delivery truck at an intersection. She died right there in the street. Nobody could save her."
"Oh, Sana..." I was speechless. I couldn't fathom it.
"Her older sister, Prima? She was so mad at me for encouraging her sister to ride without any protective gear. I swear I never told her to do that. I was so ignorant. I never told her to put any on, but I never told her to not put any on, either. Nobu said it wasn't my fault that Annie wasn't wearing any protective gear, but I still take what Prima said to heart. It's all my fault."
I was hugging him, and he told me this without tears.
"The whole time this was going on, Yami made himself scarce. When I needed him the most, he was just gone. I didn't have anyone I could turn to. I didn't feel like I could talk to Nobu or Masaki about any of this. I was completely alone. I thought, 'just when I need Annie the most, she's not here.' I kept trying to call Yami, but it was like he'd disappeared off the face of the planet. I still don't know why he did that. It got so bad. I didn't want to come out of my apartment anymore. I saw Annie and I everywhere. Restaurants we used to go to, a movie theater, live houses we used to perform in. Especially my own apartment. We used to hang out there all the time, because Annie shared an apartment with Prima and Prima was always so judgmental of her. Annie wanted to hang out at my apartment all the time. She loved the color red and wore it all the time. I'd bought her a red blanket that I kept at my apartment for her. She'd always be wrapped in it, because my apartment wasn't good at generating heat. I wrapped myself in it after she passed away and didn't want to come out. It smelled like her hairspray."
"I'm so sorry." I was choking up. How could he tell that to me without any tears?
He gave the smallest of nods. He looked down, then back at me. "Should I keep going? It's not too much?"
"Yes, please keep going. I want to know." I held him tighter. He breathed in and then out in a rush.
"I've never told anyone but Yami how I felt in this part that I'm about to tell you. I hope it isn't too much, but it ties in with what happened before we came to the hospital. If that's okay."
"Yes, it's okay."
His eyebrows peaked a bit, and his lips pressed together. Before I knew it, he was sniffling.
"Oh, darling... It's okay. I'm here. Anything you need, I'm here. It's okay." I pulled him as close to myself as I could. He closed his eyes as tears came down.
"I wish you were there when this happened, because I needed someone who wanted to understand. I felt so alone. Annie was my best friend. I lost not only the person I loved, but also my best friend at the same time. I'd tell her everything. And then, all of a sudden she was gone. After about a month, I knew I wanted to die. I didn't want to be reminded of her everywhere. I'd quit my job, because I couldn't function at work. Yami was gone, so Lyra wasn't doing any music. Nobu and Masaki kept trying to call me, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to them. Prima was mad at me, and the other two girls in Annie's band hadn't talked to me. I thought they were all mad at me. Of course they would be, right? So, I called Nobu one afternoon, and he didn't pick up, because he was at work. So, I left a message for him. It was a good-bye, telling him my intent to inject myself with as much insulin as I could so I could die. I thanked him and Masaki for being my friends, but I just couldn't live anymore, because Annie died because of me. It was too much for me to take. So, as soon as I hung up, I injected myself with the entire contents of a new insulin pen. I guess Nobu got my message soon after I left it, because I woke up in the hospital. Nobu, Masaki, and Yami were there. Yami said that they'd had a discussion, and that he was moving to Tokyo and taking me with him, that I didn't have a choice. He wanted me to be closer to Yokohara-sensei so she could monitor my mental health. It sounded like the best idea I'd ever heard. Some months later, Nobu and Masaki moved to Tokyo, too. We just started over, playing new music and everything. Nobu knew some people in the jazz scene, and we started playing with them. Yamato-san is one of those people. I really needed that change. It was a lot easier being in a new place. I wasn't constantly reminded anymore. Nobody from Annie's band ever talked to me again, and I was okay with that. It was one less thing to remind me. I'm not heartless, though, of course I miss them. But, I don't think I could bear to speak to them again, especially Prima."
"Oh, honey..." I had no words. I couldn't have imagined this.
He nodded slightly, his eyelids pressed together so hard that it looked like he was in pain. "I felt like that again before we came to the hospital this time. That despair. I know I'm far gone. I know I need help. I feel myself drifting like back then. I just don't know what to do about it. I feel so useless, like nobody could love me. It's like, on top of everything else, now I can't even go to the toilet by myself. It's too much." He opened his eyes, and sniffled, big tears rolling down. "I just think, who could ever love me? I caused Annie to die. I caused all that pain. Now I'm getting what I deserve."
"No, no, you don't deserve this. Oh my god... Sana, you don't deserve any of this... Sana..." I couldn't see anything through my tears. He let out a shuddering breath, shaking a little against my body. How could he think he deserved any of this? He didn't deserve to be sick, or in pain. None of this was his fault. Him thinking that... It was unfathomable.
"What am I supposed to do? I don't know what to do anymore. How am I going to live? I don't want you to have to take care of me. You're not my nurse. I don't want you to feel like that. I don't want a...a nurse, either... I don't want you to feel like you're my nurse..." He was making little sounds, aching sounds, as his body jumped in his sobs. Every one broke my heart.
All I could do was try to convince him. "I don't think I'm you're nurse. Don't think that, okay? I promise. I want to take care of you, because I love you. I know you'd do the same for me, right? It's how we met. You took care of me. I want to take care of you."
He made little gasping sounds, and I was getting concerned about him. Maybe this was too much for him. His heart...
I made tsking sounds, and began rubbing his back as he cried. We cried together, and I tried to soothe him. It's all I felt I could do. My eyes stared forward as I got an idea. I had to calm him down. It was enough for today. He was too upset. He could tell me more another time. I kissed his forehead, and both of his closed eyes as gently as I could.
Quietly, I started to sing to him. I kissed him over and over, and sang a whispering song about loving him, an enduring love that would transcend the stars and the infinite universe. It became a lullaby, as he calmed enough to fall asleep. I rubbed his back silently as he laid there very still.
Now, as I watched the sky become full of colors, I tried to imagine his sadness.
What could I do to make him feel useful? Over and over, he kept saying he felt useless. What could I do to make him feel like he had worth? Because the truth was, it didn't matter how many times I told him I loved him and he didn't need to feel that way. That didn't solve anything, because it wasn't changing anything.
He'd told me in the story of Annie that what helped was a big change. What kind of big change could I give him? I needed ideas. I needed a solution, if that would even help. Most of all, I needed to get over myself. It was so easy to feel powerless. I had to take the reins. He'd done enough. He could sleep now, and I'd take over.
When the sun had made the whole world full of light, I realized the solution, and it was so obvious.
It was that no, I couldn't do this alone. It was silly to think that. In fact, I'd need a lot of people. I got up from the bed, tucking Sana in carefully. I didn't want him to be cold without me. Quiet as a mouse, I got my cellphone out of his purse. I pressed a phone number on it.
A groggy, mock angry voice answered.
"You're developing a habit of calling me very early, you know," Keitaro grumbled. Then he laughed, and I giggled with him. "How's it going? Good, I hope?"
"Yes, much better. Sana's getting out soon."
He breathed so heavily that the phone distorted. "Oh, I'm glad. That's a relief."
"Yeah. Hey, can I ask you a favor? It's about when Sana gets out."
"Of course. Do you need me to pick you two up or something?"
"No, that's not it. It's bigger."
"Heh. Well, that's going to cost you."
I giggled again, and he chuckled.
"Can you come to my parents' house after we go home? I want to discuss something with you and Sana. He's doing a lot better now, it's remarkable. He was awake for hours last night. I think he's doing better than he thinks he is. I want to do something for him."
"What do you want to do?" It was easy to tell Keitaro was smiling, from his tone of voice.
I smiled, too. A big grin, the one that Sana loves. "I want to discuss music with you both. Something new. You might not know this, but Sana is beyond brilliant at arranging music. I think we could maybe do something with that."
"Hmmm..." Keitaro sounded very pleased.
"Yes. A new concept. I want to be involved. He said he wanted to make a duet with me a while ago. But, I think we could do something bigger. Maybe it's fate that we turned out like this."
The more I was talking, the more I was running with what I'd thought of. It was becoming the best idea I'd ever had.
Bạn đang đọc truyện trên: Truyen247.Pro