His face was beautiful in the pale light of the morning. He was staring at me, as we sat in bed together. His arm was around me. My head was leaned on his collarbone. He seemed to want to say something, but was hesitating. I was waiting.

And finally. "Last night, on the couch. You thought I was mad at you. Why is that? I really want to know. I wasn't expecting it at all. I was..." I wrapped my arm around his front, closed my eyes, as he was speaking. "I was scared. That's the truth. I didn't know what to think. I really want to know what happened. You know you can talk to me about anything, right? Don't keep things inside. I was thinking yesterday, about how you're a master at hiding. That's true. You are. I don't want you to hide anymore."

My arm tightened around him, and his other arm met the one around my back. He leaned his face on my forehead, and I felt I could go to sleep in this position, but he'd asked me a question and I wanted to answer. Strangely, I wanted to answer. I wasn't afraid. 

"I was scared, too."

"Why?" Such a sad voice. Please don't cry again. It makes me feel so hopeless. Like I can never make you happy again.

"I thought you seemed upset with me."

"What did I say that made you think I was upset with you?" He adjusted himself, and I flowed with him.

"I don't know. I really wanted to comfort you. I really did. I feel like I wasn't supportive enough. I was so lost... I didn't know what I was doing. I wanted to be there for you."

"But, I was trying to be there for you. That was my whole point. I didn't know what I did wrong." He rubbed his cheek on my forehead and I deeply relaxed. I sighed, and his arms tightened around me more, feeling this.

It was all so clear to me in the moment. "I think I got so lost in my memories, that I couldn't tell the difference. You're right, I do hide. When I keep things inside, sometimes I can't tell the difference between reality or not real. Especially when I'm not feeling well. I get confused. So, I think the emotions of back then came out. I thought you were mad at me, because I thought so many other people were mad at me. I was really confused."

He began to rock me back and forth, soothing me. My eyes closed impossibly even more shut. I could really fall asleep. 

"That sounds like PTSD to me. All those people not treating you right. I wish I could talk to them, tell them what they were doing wrong. How can they be so insensitive?"

"Maybe. But, I don't think they were being insensitive. I'm not sure if they were mad at me, either. But, I do know I was worried. Yami would get mad at me, so I thought everyone was mad at me."

He kissed me on the forehead. I made a content noise. His cheek went back there, both of us slightly wet from the kiss. "Yami." He sighed. "One day, I need to give him a piece of my mind."

I shook my head a little. "Don't fight. I don't want that."

"Okay." Said in a sad sigh. He paused, and I waited. "If you ever feel like you're getting lost in your memories, tell me, okay? I want to know. I want to know about you. I want you to tell me, so you don't get confused."

"Oh, it's not only that, though. I get confused, because I don't feel well. It's two factors."

"Tell me so, even more! If you get confused, tell me. Can you tell me when you're confused? How will I know?"

I hugged him tighter. "I'll tell you." He sighed deeply, maybe in relief. "I don't want to scare you. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry you were scared, too."

After a little while, I fell asleep in his arms. He took care of me, and I slept for about an hour. He told me he was comfortable enough, with all the pillows against the headboard. He'd looked up PTSD on his phone, making sure I was cozy all the while. It made me have a rush of happy, blissful warmth inside, that he was trying to make sense of my feelings. 

It felt like lately I was losing the game in terms of emotions. Keeping myself together. Ever since I got let go from my job. I tried so hard all the time to keep it together, but I was losing the battle. It was evident that he'd noticed this, and last night was a big showing of it. Just how far gone I'd gotten. It was a wakeup call for me. The idea that I'd scared him was shattering. It made a fear I'd never known. I wanted to throw my hands up and shake them, say "no more", beg myself to stop. I never wanted to allow it to happen again. But, how do you not allow it? How do you control it? Will it happen again?

I didn't know the answers to any of this.

It turned out to be a Spring-like day. We found ourselves in front of the same vending machine that we'd discovered at 3am. He'd told his mom we were borrowing the car, and she was just as surprised as I had been that he knew how to drive. He'd showed her his driver's license and her reaction made us laugh. It was like fresh Spring rain to hear him laugh after last night.

I wanted to make him laugh again. 

He was outside the car now, paying for the rest of the Zero Cakes in the machine.

"There's four in there, great!" He exclaimed. I heard the clanking of coins going in. 

"Yay!" I was trying to play up my happiness. I was really so excited. He was showing his love for me in buying out the rest of these cakes. But, to be honest, I was emotionally exhausted. More numb than anything. I was trying to enjoy the moment, but...

He bent down to retrieve them. I craned my neck to watch the beautiful slope of his back. The lovely part where his neck meets his back was exposed as he leaned, his T-shirt drawing back from it. The image of that same part exposed, him dressed in an elaborate oiran outfit from one of his live performances made me blush. But then, a flash of sadness like lightning in darkness, because he wouldn't ever wear that again. Because of me. I blinked several times. Try to stay in the moment. Don't think of sad things. Don't scare him again. 

I grinned suddenly as he turned around. He saw it, and he grinned, too. Success. He was holding the cakes cutely in his arms. He began handing them to me one by one into my open window.

"There, hopefully that's enough, and then we can figure out some more. I want you to be happy. It's the least I can do." 

My heart was filling with the same warm feeling from before, like an orange sun rising. This feeling was real. He was erasing that darkness. I closed my eyes and puckered my lips. I heard a small breath from him. A startle? 

His warmth met them. Slight pressure, beautiful pressure. He lingered, and I didn't shy away. His finger wiped at my cheek, and a little golden butterfly flew in the darkness, its yellow trail sending a shiver winding up my spine so quick. He parted from me. 

"More." I pressed my lips together like a child, then licked them, I hoped cutely. To try to entice him. He came back, and I closed my eyes again. 

The pressure of his lips exposed many golden butterflies in their cage in my heart, and they exploded from the door of it, flooding my whole body with golden sun. My body started to wiggle. He parted from me, giggling.

"You make me so happy," I sighed. 

"Good, I'm glad. You deserve to be happy."

I wiggled more, and he laughed. "I'm so glad to see you so happy."

"And I'm glad to hear you laugh. I wanted to make you laugh."

He got a cute expression on his face. "You did?" 

"Yes. I wanted to make you happy, too." 

His hand went into my hair, and he swept my bangs back, smiling so much that his eye crinkles were showing. I sighed, joining his smile. He walked to his side of the car, and opened the door. I took his hand as he entered and sat down. Our hands settled on the console in the middle.

"I want to do more fun things like this with you. If you're up to- if you want to." He put his knuckle on his lip, looking forward. His eyebrow was a little curled. He'd been about to say something else, I could tell. I wanted him to know what he'd been about to say was okay. I wasn't upset.

"If I'm up to it, I will. I always want to." I rocked our hands back and forth on the console.

"Of course." He looked down at our hands. 

"I'm feeling pretty good right now. Want to go do something?"

I watched his face bloom into a surprised one. "Really?" So relieved. "Where do you want to go?"

"Mm..." I flicked a wrinkle out of the skirt of my pink dress. "How about a movie? If you want to. I don't have a lot of money, but I think I can afford that."

He began rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb, excitedly. He was smiling at me now. I was so glad. "Don't worry about the money. If there's something you think you can't afford, we can do it anyway."

"Okay." I couldn't help but smile now. So the opposite of last night. It was incredible how different we could be in the span of twelve hours. 

"Is there a movie you want to see? Want to look up movie listings on my phone?" He was already digging into his pocket for it. It made me love him more. So eager to please me. My heart pinched in this realization.

"No, there's no particular one. But, I was thinking...maybe a comedy. So we can laugh. I feel like we need that." Blush was rising to my cheeks. I stared at the grey glovebox in front of me. Studying the handle. 

"Yeah? I thought so, too. That's a good idea." I felt my hand lift, and I looked over just in time to see him kiss the back of my hand. A small sound escaped my throat, as my heart released more butterflies. My toes began to wiggle.

He laughed again, and I raised my hand to my mouth, giggling. 

"You're so pretty," he said, his voice so full of joy and love. He still had my hand to his lips. He kissed it again, and I let out the same sound, couldn't control myself. He laughed again. He kissed my hand three times on purpose, and I was wiggling, giggling. He started laughing so hard. "Yay, Sana, you're happy," he laughed. Yay, in English. 

We looked at the movie listings together. There was a comedy showing, a relief to me, because I didn't know if there would be. He put the car in gear, and we were off. I began to eat one of my cakes, and offered a piece to him. He took it gladly, and I watched him eat it. His chin going up and down as he chewed.

We made it with thirty minutes to spare. I paid for our tickets. As we waited in line to buy our snacks, I felt that twinge of sadness again. I knew there wasn't much I could eat at the movies. It must have shown on my face.

He started looking around the snack shelving. I watched him kneel down. 

"Hmm? What are you doing, darling?" I asked, and just as quickly as I'd asked, he was up again. A small bag was waving from his fingers. My eyes lit up. "Chestnuts!"

"Yes! I knew I'd seen chestnuts at the movies before. They're rare, but we got lucky, maybe. Do you want to eat them?" He looked so pleased. I wanted to kiss him. I just nodded, and he grinned that grin that I love, making me blush.

It was our turn soon, and he paid for our snacks, getting dried cuttlefish for himself. 

As he pushed my wheelchair to the theater, I looked up at him suddenly. I made the most ridiculous face I could think of, trying to play with him to make him laugh. Incredibly, I found I could do this with no embarrassment. He stopped in his tracks and his hand went up to his face. His laugh! I burst into giggles, too. I never wanted him to stop! He was so cute.

Once in the theater, I opened my bag of chestnuts. I offered one to him, and he popped it in his mouth. Gentle crunching met my ears, like heavenly music. I put one in my mouth, too, and our crunching became like music together. 

"You want some of my cuttlefish?" He asked. "I know you've been adventurous lately with what you eat. I don't think it will cause a sugar spike. If you like it, you'll have something you can eat at the movies all the time. Want to try it?" 

To be honest, the idea of cuttlefish right now made my stomach flip flop. "Mm...maybe next time." I drew a heart on his hand with my finger, and he followed it, causing a smile. He picked up my hand again and kissed it. I made the same sound I'd made in the car, and he giggled again. 

We quietly ate our snacks, and when the theater dimmed to dark, I felt his foot touch mine. Slowly, he started to play footsie with me and it was all I could do to stay quiet. I wanted to laugh so much. From the gleeful sneaky expression on his face, he knew what he was doing. My hand was over my mouth momentarily, but I picked up his hand so fast, and made like I was going to bite it like a shark. He let out a loud giggle at this, and then a noise like he'd skinned his knee, air rushing in from between his teeth. "Oops," he whispered, and I snorted. We looked around, and no one seemed disturbed. 

We were quiet the rest of the time. I was mostly watching him. He was so cute, the way he'd put his hand over his mouth and smile at the funny parts, trying so hard not to make a sound. 

Afterwards, we were outside the theater together. I was enjoying the Spring-like breeze, and watching it ruffle his hair. He was happy like a child, and I knew my mission had been a success. There was no hint of the sadness from yesterday. 

"Still feel good?" He asked. He was smiling still. That precious smile.

I nodded eagerly. "Yes. Want to get some lunch?" 

His face erupted into such a beautiful grin, his eyes closing in it. I sighed inside. "Want to go to my friend's restaurant again? We can have more shrimp. Or do you want to try something else? There's so many delicious things there. Or we can go somewhere else." He took my hand again.

I began swinging our hands back and forth gently. "That sounds wonderful to me. I want more garlic shrimp."

He chuckled, clearly so happy that I was happy. "Yay! Let's go!" 

I swear we were like children as we went to the car, playing with each other.