Lying in the dark in our bedroom, I couldn't sleep. There was something gnawing at me, quite literally. My eyes were wide open, because of this.

I was hungry. And not just hungry, I wanted to eat everything in the house. 

Tetsu and I had just had snacks a couple of hours ago. We'd been like children, raiding the pantry. I'd had some corn chips, and he'd had rice crackers. We'd gone to bed, happy as can be, still riding a high from earlier, with me feeling so good. 

But that was a couple of hours ago. And I'd noticed, after I'd eaten, that hungry feeling hadn't gone away. In fact, it was even worse. My stomach was full, but I still wanted to eat. I wanted to eat so bad, that I couldn't sleep. 

I knew I couldn't eat. This wasn't my house. That wasn't my food. I still felt like I needed Tetsu's permission to touch anything in this house. If he said it was okay to eat something from his parents' pantry, then it was okay. It was not okay for me to get up now, easier said than done, and go eat something else. Especially this late.

I also had the eerie feeling that even if I did eat, I'd still be hungry. Because, maybe this wasn't a hungry feeling. Maybe it was something else. I shouldn't be hungry now. I'd just had corn chips. 

I tried to think about something else. Music usually did the trick. I wanted to think about a piece I could be interested in, but no. The thought came right back. All the things I wanted to eat, coming now like fantasies. 

The thing that scared me was that these fantasies were of cookies and potatoes. Candy and cake. Bread and cheese. So many things I'm not supposed to eat. My brain reminded me that there was cake in the refrigerator. That coconut cream cake. 

I pinched my eyes closed. If I ate some of that cake it would be a disaster. My blood sugar would sky rocket. Tetsu would be upset. It was his mom's cake, too. I didn't have permission to eat that cake. And yet. I clenched my fists, grabbing the sheet on our bed. Something inside of me wanted that cake so bad that I could scream.

Logical thought was escaping. I thought of ways I could do it. Quietly get up, sit in my wheelchair. So secretly, exit the room. Go down the hallway. Open the fridge door without a sound. But how would I get the cake out of the fridge? How would I cut it and serve myself? It didn't make any sense.

Guilt was flooding in like an overflowing river into my body. No, no. That wasn't my cake. I couldn't do that. They'd get mad at me. But that thought also was problematic. I knew they wouldn't get mad at me for that. Still, they might get worried that I ate something sugary by myself. They might ask questions. I was getting stressed out.

This was a problem. With each passing second, the feeling was getting worse. It was like obsession. But, from where? Why? Why did I want food so much right now?

It occurred to me before this that maybe this was normal. Maybe everyone felt like this. But that couldn't be true. What was true was something Tetsu had said earlier. He'd never known me to have an appetite. Yes, I hadn't had a true appetite in years. I couldn't remember when I'd actually wanted to eat something. Eating was a chore. There was so much I couldn't eat. Figuring out meals was hard, and was overwhelming at times. I was nauseous a lot, too. I couldn't think about eating before. But now...

Was this just what a normal appetite felt like? Was I really just hungry? Could you be hungry after you felt full? 

I wanted to talk to Tetsu about it. Ask him how he felt when he was hungry, and if he ever felt hungry after he was full. But, he was sleeping now. I didn't want to wake him. I felt stupid.

Still, I wanted to go to the pantry now so bad. There'd been cookies in there. But, they weren't my cookies.

I began to think about what I could eat and no one would notice, and I realized I was in some real trouble here. The worry was overtaking me. This couldn't be normal. There was no way. 

I tapped Tetsu on the back. It made a wave of nervousness flow from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I tapped again. I brought my hand to my chest. This was so stupid. I shouldn't be trying to wake him. For what? He was sleeping so peacefully. He needed his rest. Oh no. I was horrible for trying to make him wake up. I curled in on myself. My cheeks were getting hot. 

I curled in on myself even more when he rolled over. His lovely eyes were open. 

"Hmm? Are you okay, darling? Tummy hurt?" He asked. His arm extended to me, and began touching my tummy, pressing lightly. "Does this hurt?"

Aww. He'd remembered my symptom from before, when I'd gotten constipated at the hospital. Tears were forming at the edges of my eyes. He was so sweet. The first thing he said to me upon waking up was that? I rolled over to him, and scooted closer, wrapping my arm around him. He wrapped his around me. We were face to face, and he looked concerned, his lips a little puckered in this. I took the opportunity to kiss him. 

"Mm-mwah!" He theatrically kissed me. He immediately grinned, his eyes closed in this, being ridiculous on purpose. So adorable. 

I burst into giggles. 

"Hey, do you feel okay? Tummy is okay? Did you wake me up?" His eyes were searching my face for signs of trouble now. 

"Umm. I don't know. That's why I woke you up. I'm sorry. I feel dumb."

His eyebrows peaked, looking sympathetic. "No, you're not dumb. What's wrong? I always want to know if you don't feel well. I'm glad you woke me." 

I sighed. "I love you."

He smiled at this. "I love you, too. What's wrong?"

I knew my cheeks were hot. I wondered if he could see me blushing in the low light. "Um... It sounds really dumb, but..."

"It's not dumb, whatever it is. What is it?" As he looked at me, I realized an analogy that was absolutely perfect to describe this symptom, because I felt a twinge of the real thing as I stared at his concerned eyes.

"Hmm. How can I put it? You know the feeling of being horny?"

His eyebrow raised. He got closer to me. "Are you horny? You want to do it? We can." 

"Hmm. Sort of. But it's like being horny, only for food. I want food so much that I'd do anything. I don't know what this is. Is this called having an appetite?" I leaned in closer to his face, and he adjusted his face on the pillow closer to mine. "I still want to do it, though. That's a good idea," I whispered. I puckered my lips, and he kissed me sweetly and smiled just as sweet. 

He was so close, that I could feel every hot breath. His face went serious now, in thought. "Hmm. I don't know. Hunger feels different for everyone. Maybe the chips you ate weren't enough. Maybe you wanted a full meal. It's possible."

"Maybe." I felt a little relief now. His explanation was so logical. "I don't know. I've never been hungry like this." Suddenly I had the perfect word for it. "Ah! It's like a craving! That's what it is! I can't believe I didn't think of the word before. I feel even more stupid. I'm sorry for waking you up!"

"Huh? A craving? What are you craving? I wonder if we have some. What do you want to eat?"

"Oh, but it's probably like two or three AM. That's not a good time to eat."

He shook his head a little. "If you're hungry, it's a good time to eat. Still, I'd want to check your blood sugar before you ate anything."

Blood sugar... Oh crap. I squeezed my eyes shut. I moaned a little to myself. 

"Huh, what?!" He asked, alarmed. I was sorry for making him panic. 

"Sorry. I wonder now if this is a blood sugar thing. I'm on that new medication. What if it's a symptom from the medication? I've never been hungry like this before. It's like I'm obsessed. I wanted to eat your mom's cake. But, I'm not supposed to have sugary things. Even eating it and injecting with insulin afterwards on purpose isn't healthy. I shouldn't be doing that. Ohhh... I wonder if this is from my new medication. I've had weird symptoms pop up because of medications before. Ohhh this sucks."

"I wonder, too. But, we can't solve that right now. All we can do is get you something safe to eat. Do you only want my mom's cake? Would you be interested in anything else?"

I squeezed him. He was so understanding. I knew he would be, but it made me feel no less guilty. "That's the thing. I only want sweet stuff. It's a problem."

"Hmm." He looked thoughtful again. "I wonder what tastes sweet, but isn't full of sugar."

"I don't know. It's impossible. I'm sorry, this is so stupid. We should sleep."

He made a Japanese sound of disagreement. Uu-un. So cute. "It's not stupid. Don't say that. Nothing you do could ever be stupid." He kissed me gently. It made my eyes half close in sudden temporary bliss. "Let me get my phone out. I wonder what's sweet that isn't full of sugar. Maybe we have something, or maybe we can go get it."

"What place is open right now?" He was being too kind. I loved him so much. 

"Some 7-11's are. Or, ah! A vending machine! There's vending machines all over my hometown. If you're up to it, we could go find one that has something sweet, but not sugary! If we find something like that on my phone... Would you want to?"

The answer was YES, but the guilt said no. "I don't know... I don't want you to have to do that. I'd feel so bad."

He laughed, and I was taken aback. He was incredible. "I'm up for an adventure, especially if its for you." He kissed me again, and I melted.

That's how we found ourselves sandwiched between two office buildings in the downtown district of his hometown at 3am. We'd gotten out of the car, and I felt okay to stand up, amazing myself. What had amazed me even more was learning he knew how to drive. 

"'Zero Cake', well, wow. I didn't know Japan had sugar free sweet snacks. All this time, I could have been eating Zero Cake. I think you just saved my life." I sighed deeply, a smile on my lips, as I leaned on the side of the vending machine with my shoulder.

He was fiddling around in my purse, looking for a 500 yen coin that I knew I had in there. He laughed. "You're so happy. I'm so glad. Your happiness makes me happy. This was so worth it. And 'in Japan'? Are there sugar free sweets in America? Ah, yatta." He said a celebratory phrase as he located my 500 yen coin.

"Yeah, there's a lot. Its a whole industry. My dad had diabetes, too. Well- he was kind of older. He had me late in life, so he had diabetes. He used to eat so many sugar free sweets when I was a kid. Russell Stover chocolates, these special brownies, puddings, jellos. They basically make everything with a sugar free alternative."

"Ohh?" He sounded really curious. He clanged the coin into the machine, and made the selection. We watched it dispense. "Hmm." He knelt down to grab it out of the machine. He handed it to me, and I ravenously opened it. As I began to eat, he spoke, and I paused. "I wonder if we can buy American snacks like that online? Thing is, I don't want you to have to feel guilty about wanting to eat. I think you wanting to eat is a wonderful thing. You never want to eat. I think your wanting to eat is totally normal. I get cravings all the time. Is this the first craving you've had in a while?"

My eyes went wide. "Yes, it is, and oh my god, Tetsu, you're a genius."

He broke into a grin. "Let's sit in the car, okay? So you don't have to stand. Does it taste good? I've never had it before."

"It does taste good." 

He took my hand for stability purposes, and opened the door for me. I sat down inside, and he closed the door. He joined me on the other side. I broke off a piece of the cake, and gave it to him. He popped it in his mouth. He smiled. "Mm, that tastes good!"

"Right?! I'm surprised. I'm glad it tastes good. Sometimes sugar free products are hit or miss. This one's a hit."

"We'll make sure to just buy the good ones, then." He took out his phone and started looking for an online American grocery store that delivered to Japan. I slowly ate my cake to savor it as we looked at his phone. 

After ten minutes, my cake was gone and we were groaning and playfully yelling at his phone. 

"Puddings!" I exclaimed again. "They only have sugar free pudding! Where's my chocolate? Where's my cookies?" 

He was laughing so hard. "Why do all of these stores only have sugar free pudding and jello?! I don't understand it! These are American grocery stores!" He was laughing anew, and I put my face in my hands, trying to control myself.

"I mean, pudding is okay, but I'd like something premade. Something simple to grab and eat. I don't know."

He put his phone on his thigh and took my hands, staring at my face now, such a cute, happy expression on his face. I could see happy tears sparkling in his eyes. He bowed his head a little and then looked at me again. "I promise, I'm going to come back here tomorrow and buy all of the Zero Cake in this machine. Maybe by the time you eat it all, we'll have found something better. We'll do some research. I'm not going to give up. I want you to be able to eat what you want to eat."

Aww, Tetsu. I felt my lip poke out at this. He smiled at me, and kissed me. I felt a giggle come up, and I was laughing. He caught my laughter, and was laughing, too. 

"Wh- what?" He asked, doubled over now. 

"I don't know, I'm just so happy. I can't stop laughing!"

"Oh!" He laughed with me. "That makes me so, so happy. I love you!"

"I love you, too. I really do." 

He kissed me again, this time more seriously. He touched the side of my face, holding it there. He leaned into the kiss, and I let out a little moan. He wrapped his arms around me. 

We were kissing at 3am in the middle of downtown in a car, and I didn't care. I was the happiest person in the world.