It was the late evening. Sana was asleep now, and I was sweeping his hair back over and over slowly as I laid in the hospital bed with him. Rain had started to fall outside. A sign that it was warming up. I was glad about this. Maybe it meant that Sana's breathing could get better, with the air warming up. I could only hope. 

Earlier in the evening, as we'd had dinner together, Sana was quiet. He'd been looking down at his food. I'd paused in my eating, as he began to speak. He never looked at me once. He began to tell me about Annie, in thoughtful, pausing words.

She was a guitarist. She was in an all female visual kei band called Hexenpunk. We were on the same live house circuit in Osaka. We met them at a battle of the bands, when they were just starting out. We were together for eight years. 

Through this, it was possible to guess at the story, but I didn't want to make assumptions. But, questions were going through my mind. Concerned questions.

Is this why you left Osaka? Is this why you switched to jazz? 

I had no confirmations. Only questions. And he'd seemed too closed off to ask. I didn't want to pry or make him uncomfortable. But I was burning inside to know. 

I'd thought Sana wore his heart on his sleeve. I'd thought I'd known everything there was to know. He'd told me absolutely everything about himself. But it seemed he was almost ashamed of this. Why? I knew he wasn't ashamed of Annie. He'd told me that himself. But he was worried. Worried of what? Of me? There was every indication that he was.

Please don't treat me differently, he'd said. Why in the world would I treat him differently? I couldn't conceive of how I'd treat him differently for this. 

I felt my eyebrow wrinkle. I moved closer to him on the bed, our noses almost nose to nose. I wanted him to wake up. Tell me more. Tell me his worries about this. Thinking about it now, his worry at telling me this. How long he'd waited. 

I remember when I'd first asked him about his previous relationships. I'd told him all about mine. It was a conversation we were having. It had been mid-October, and we didn't know each other too well. It was a "getting to know you" kind of conversation. We'd been sitting together on my couch, and I'd brought home Indian food from a local place. Sana was pushing his food around on his plate, claiming he'd already eaten. Now that I think about it, I think, ate what? There's nothing to eat at my apartment. But, at the time I was too happy to be with him to notice things like that. He'd been at my apartment all day, because we'd spent the previous night together and it was his day off. 

I'd told him about the nicest guy I'd dated, Souta. I'd told him about Kenji, the guy who cheated on me all the time. So, I asked him about his past relationships, too. He'd been staring at me as I'd told him about mine, utterly fascinated. I'd been watching him, too, wondering how he could be that fascinated. I wasn't used to him yet, the attention he pays to me. 

"So, Sana, who have you dated? Tell me about someone," I'd said with a smile, putting some naan and butter chicken in my mouth after. As I wiped my lips, I found him staring at my lips with his mouth open. So cute. 

"Oh, uh..." He couldn't stop staring at my face. I found it adorable. I'd thought he was just lost in me, so I poked his cheek. He hadn't smiled at this. If he'd done that now, I'd be alarmed. He always smiles when I poke his cheek. He'd paused, looked back at his food and put the tiniest piece of chicken in his mouth. 

"Do you not like Indian food?" I'd asked, watching this. 

"Oh...no, I like it, it's just a little...too spicy for me."

"Oh! I'll ask you what you want next time. Do you not like spicy food?"

He'd paused again. "No, I like spicy food. I just wasn't ready for it tonight."

"Okay. I'll ask next time instead of just bringing something home." I smiled to assure him that I wasn't mad. I'd noticed in the two or so weeks we'd been together that he was sensitive to anger. I was never angry at him, but I definitely got angry at other things, and he'd flinched at this. So, I was careful now. Trying to control myself. And honestly, it was working out for me. I found myself thinking carefully about things before lashing out. It was a positive impact he'd had on me, and I adored him for this.

"I like surprises, though. Hmm." 

I tapped my knee in thought. "Then, I'll ask what kind of flavor you'd like. Spicy or savory? Things like that." 

He'd given a slow smile to this, looking at me again. "Okay." He smiled wider, upon seeing my smile.

"Hmm. So, Sana, who have you dated before? I'd love to know." I was right back on track. I was so curious. 

"Oh, uh. No one, really."

I was taken aback. "No one?!" I felt my eyes go wide. "But you're so handsome! Did you not want to date anyone?" I couldn't believe it. 

"Um...yeah." He was looking at his food again. If I had known him better, I'd have known he was avoiding me. Wanting to change the subject. He'd already tried to change the subject, but I was naive about him. I hadn't known. I felt guilty about it now.

I'd put my hand on his back, and he'd looked at me again. "You've really never dated anyone?" 

"No."

"Why not? Just because you didn't want to?"

"I was um...really into my music. We were so busy. I was really into writing songs and practicing. I didn't have time for anything else, but work."

I'd paused. Something didn't make sense. "But you have time for me now? And you work three jobs?"

He'd paused, too. I'd caught a mouse in a trap. His mouth opened slightly. He wasn't looking at me. I leaned in to him. He had no choice but to look at me. He liked me too much. We were face to face, so close.

"I'm going to tell you a story now. And you tell me if you've ever experienced something similar, okay? I won't judge you. I want you to know that I may have gone through something similar. And if you have gone through something similar, I want you to tell me. Because I care about you."

He'd nodded. 

So, I told him about Keisuke and the radio antenna. I told him in detail, and his face had descended into horror. By the end, he was hugging me so tight, and my eyes were wet in the memory. I'd really gotten into it. I'd told him everything. How that incident was what led me to leave him, and Sana was so proud of me for having left him. He'd promised he'd protect me, and that I'd never have to go through something like that again. He'd said he could never imagine raising even a finger to me, how such things were not in him. How instead of getting angry, he'd rather run away. A completely different response from most of the men I'd met. 

We'd parted, facing each other, and I'd sniffed away some tears. 

"So, have you ever had a partner who did that to you? Hurt you? Is that what it is? Is that why you won't tell me? I understand. I know what it's like. You don't need to be ashamed. You can tell me. I want to know," I'd asked him. We were holding hands between us.

He still had that devastated look on his face. He'd shaken his head. That wasn't it. 

I couldn't have fathomed the truth. 

I felt so naive now. How had I known him for months and he'd never told me this? Why did he hide? Why couldn't he tell me? I knew I couldn't claim to understand. I honestly didn't know what to say, but to assure him. All I knew was I wanted to comfort him. That was my overwhelming feeling. 

He'd said it had happened a few years ago. Who had comforted him then? I was just overwhelmed. How I wish we'd been at least friends. I'd have taken care of him. Or was that my feelings for him now? How would I have reacted to something like that? My best friend losing his girlfriend so suddenly? My best friend, who I cared so deeply about?

I couldn't fathom it.

And yet. My eyes went wide. Sana had three best friends who'd gone through it with him. They'd been there. All of Lyra had been there. And surely, they must have known her, too. Thinking back on what he'd told me, they'd known her band for at least eight years. 

My heart descended to my toes. 

It's not something you just brought up in conversation. It was understandable that none of them would have mentioned this to me. Back in December, we'd all seen each other every day. They'd come to the hospital every day after work, trickling in one by one. Yami worked in construction, so he'd come in right when the sun went down. Masaki worked in IT, so his shifts were predictable, and he'd come in a couple of hours later. Then, Nobu would come in when his shift at the nursing home was done. Then, Shizue would come late, because she worked at a restaurant and her shifts were not predictable. We'd all sit together in Sana's hospital room, and he often would not be awake, his body healing. 

We'd talked for so long. Visiting hours were until ten, so we'd had a lot of time, especially Yami and I. Often, my mom and Natsuko would be there as well. We'd all talked about so many things. I got to know who they were outside of Lyra. They'd told me so many stories about Lyra in the old days, when they were a visual kei band. So many much older stories, from ten or more years ago. 

But they'd never once mentioned Hexenpunk. If Annie was Sana's girlfriend, wouldn't they have mentioned her? I wracked my brain. Trying to remember. Had someone mentioned a girl? Had someone mentioned any other band they'd interacted with? I couldn't remember. It hadn't seemed like relevant information at the time. 

I was frustrated at myself. But, I knew it was useless to be. I couldn't have known this back then. I wouldn't have known to pay special attention for any mention of this. But, I was sure that there couldn't have been any mention. Because wouldn't I remember? An, ah, that's it, kind of moment?

Buzz, buzz.

I looked up. Buzzing. Oh.

I carefully rolled over, and picked up my cellphone from the table next to us. I swiped the green answer button up. 

"Good evening." 

Ah. I smiled. "Good evening, Keitaro."

"Is it too late to call? I'm checking up on you. I saw your blog post from earlier. I'm so glad Sana is doing better. Really seems like that new medication is working. And his tests went well? I'm so glad. You two really deserve a break. This is such good news."

"It's not too late to call. And I agree. It's been a good day."

My tone must have betrayed me, because he changed where the conversation was going. "You don't sound like it's been a good day."

"Oh."

"Did something happen after the blog post?"

He knew me too well. "Uh. Maybe."

"What happened?"

Then it hit me. Like an electric shock. I tensed up, realizing. 

"Keitaro!" I said way too loudly. I whipped my hand over my mouth, looking at Sana. He was undisturbed, breathing gently. I wanted to touch his face. 

"Huh?!" Keitaro asked, alarmed. 

"You're in visual kei!" I gasped, under my hand, a little muffled.

"Yeah. Don't tell me you didn't know. How long have we been friends?" He chuckled, teasing me. 

I eyed Sana. He was definitely asleep. This was my chance. I hoped. Still looking at Sana, I breathed deep. "Keitaro."

"Yes?" 

"You know other visual kei bands. You've been in it for so long. Do you know any all female bands?" I felt nervousness pinching at my stomach, asking this. I almost couldn't help myself. Part of me didn't want to ask. Part of me wanted Sana to tell me in his own time. But, part of me was yearning. And maybe, I might know someone who knew some answers. It was possible.

"Of course I do. Not many, though. There aren't many."

I felt a little excitement. He knew of some? 

"Do you know a band call Hexenpunk?" Weighted words. 

I heard him smile in his response. "Yeah, I know them. They're called Kugeln now. Why? Don't tell me you're finally getting into my kind of music. That's a little amazing. Is it because of Lyra? I did a little research and saw they used to be visual kei. It's pretty cool. I'm liking them more and more."

"Um, yeah, it's because of Lyra." I was so glad I didn't have to tell him the real reason. "What do you know about Kugeln?"

"Hmm. Not much. I know they're Osaka based. They're a really old band, though. They've gone through several visual styling changes. Different line ups. I actually know because of my friend. He dated the singer, Prima."

"What?!" 

He was laughing now. "Yeah. Small world, right? You're interested in them, and my friend knows one of the band members. But, visual kei is a small world."

Oh, Keitaro. If he only knew how small it was. He was chuckling again. "So, how did you find them? Youtube? What's your favorite song?"

"What do you know about the guitarist, Annie?" Out of my mouth like word vomit. I closed my eyes shut tight. What had I just asked... I hadn't meant to ask that. But I couldn't control it.

I was met with silence. 

It seemed to go on for an entire minute.

"Keitaro?" I asked, breaking it. 

I was met with breathing sounds. My eyes went wide. 

"What do you want to know..." He paused. My lips parted, surprised in his change of tone. Almost at angry tone. "...What do you want to know about Annie?" He paused again. But, before I could answer, he went on. "You know more about them than you let on." 

"And so do you." 

He paused again. 

"What is it?" I asked, pulling at him. Trying. "What do you know about Annie? Please, I have to know. I have to. Why are you angry at me?"

He let out a big sigh. "No. I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at the situation. That's all."

I paused. Angry at the situation? "What is there to be angry about?"

"I don't really want to talk about it."

"Keitaro..." My eyebrows were peaked, I realized. I was getting emotional. I had to stop myself. 

"I don't want to leave you like this. I was hoping I could talk to you about something else. Something that would make you happier."

"It would make me happy to know about this."

He let out a big breath into the phone. Made it sound like the wind outside. I closed my eyes shut tight. Trying to stop my emotions. 

I tried again. Begging. "Please, I really want to know about this. I want to know who Annie is."

"Why is this so important? Why do you want to know? Did you read about her online? That she's not part of the band anymore? Is there no info online?" 

I shook my head, even though he couldn't see. I hadn't looked online, out of respect for Sana. Respect...for Sana. Oh no. I shouldn't be asking Keitaro, either. But, there was something in me. Grabbing at me. Making me ask things I shouldn't ask. This last secret of Sana's. That he was being so quiet about. Almost ashamed about.

"I don't know. I just... I just..." I felt the tears coming, and I put my hand over my mouth again.

"How do you know about Annie?" More gentle now. He'd heard my tone. 

"I don't know." I squeezed out the words. 

"You know." Said with such certainty.

"I have to go now-"

He interrupted me quickly. "I just feel like it's not my place to tell you about Annie. That's all it is. I'm not trying to be rude. I want you to know that. Out of respect for Prima. I know a lot more than the average fan knows, because I know Prima. I wasn't truthful with you. I'm sorry."

"Oh." But... "That's okay. I shouldn't pry."

"How do you know about Annie?"

"She's..." I looked at Sana's sleeping face. No, it was better if I didn't mention it. "Never mind."

"Okay... Did you have to go? Does Sana need you? If he does, that's totally okay. I get it."

"Yeah, he does." I lied.

"Okay. Talk to you soon. Good night."

"Good night."

We hung up. I put my cellphone on the table. I sat there, staring down at my lap. Tears were aching in my eyes. 

All I could think of, was that I was sorry. So sorry. As tears fell down into my hands on my lap, I just thought, I'm so sorry, Sana. All of my scattered, jumbled feelings about it, coming out.