Timmy Salazar

"I don't know," I say, running my fingers through my hair. "I just feel like it's so much disrespect."

Mara chuckles, "that's one way to see it."

I lean away from my laptop and into my swirl chair, aka the only chair in my room. "You don't see it that way? Like being part of the LGBT people isn't some kind of privilege or right of passage, it's not all that fun. And yes, our school and community isn't that homophobic but still, I just feel like Curt is jumping through all that distress, ignoring it and wanting to go through the 'fun' part." I put air quotes in fun.

Mara ties her long brown hair into a messy ponytail and even from the screen I can see how messy her room is. "I don't think he's ignoring it. I mean, he knows it isn't going to be simple but he's willing to do it no matter what."

"And for what reason?" I remember what he said about wanting to be free from girls and my heart softens a bit but it still doesn't feel right.

"Timmy I think you need to stop seeing it from that serious, pivotal, stressing point of view," Mara says and I roll my eyes. I've been rolling my eyes a lot lately, they would soon fall off. "I mean, it's just like a game and straight people pretend to date each other everyday for their different reasons and benefits, why can't a gay and straight person do it? If you were going to date a girl to pretend to be straight for maybe, your grandfather—"

"I don't know my—" I cut her off and she cuts me off.

"Shut up," she eyes me and continues with what she is saying. "Pretend for your grandfather, would you find it so wrong?"

I think about it. "Um, not really?"

Mara grins like she has won something, lying into her screen to ask, "why?"

"I guess pretending to be straight is like a normal thing," I scratch an itch on my nose. "And there's no big history for straight people and no internal war about it, it's the norm. No big deal."

"There's a history for straight people," Mara says, about say something probably stupid. I could see it with the way her eye were nearly crossing. "Adam and Eve couldn't have sex, until they had an internal war and ate the forbidden fruit."

I stare at her like she's mad and then she starts laughing, snorts and all. "Who told you they couldn't have sex?"

"They couldn't," she states pausing from her horse-ish laughter. "If they could, they'd definitely know they are naked and would have had kids while in the garden, don't you think?"

I don't know much about the Bible but I know this historical and religious story and I call Mara bullshit but then it doesn't sound all that wrong so I shrug. "How do you even know this? Aren't you supposed to be like, Buddhist?"

"Oh my God," she groans, rolling her eyes. "There are Christians in Philippines and more than five religions, you racist."

"Oh my gosh," I groan, unable to contain my laughter. "You didn't just throw that word at me like that."

"I-" she flatters, on the verge of laughing on realizing. "I did. I fucking did." We maintain eye contact before we burst out laughing, my glasses almost falling off my face.

"You called me a racist," I say. "How am I even friends with you?"

"Sorry, it's just I hate when people see us," she points at her screen and back at herself, then around her room as if saying Philippines and Asians in general. "And just assume our religion. There are Christian Indians, Muslim Japanese and Atheist Koreans."

"Yeah," I sober up. "I'm sorry."

"It's cool."

"Well, are you Christian?"

"Nope," she says and I fix her look making her chuckle. "But I like try to know a lot from different religions, it's interesting once you factor out the hate and false righteousness."

"Yeah." We got quiet reflecting on our thoughts until Mara brings back the original conversation.

"Well, my two cents is that you should stop overthinking the Lying with Curt thing, it's not that huge and someone out there is probably already doing it and you've got a lot to benefit from it," she said, rolling her chair away from the screen so she can get a bottle of water and her pack of precious face treatment mask. I have mine too, she sent two to me close to a year ago through the post office when I had a really bad case if zits. It really helped. I can't put mine on now because I'd have to remove my glasses and if I do I wouldn't see her on the screen.

"Like what?" I ask, regarding the benefits of lying with Curt.

"Like the fucking camera of your dreams?" She screams, then clamps her hand over her mouth and goes listen as if waiting for something. I pause too but the expected shout from her parents or grandparents don't come. We share a look and giggle. "Well, isn't the camera like thousands of dollars?"

I can't help my wide grin, I've wanted that since I heard of it. "I know right, it's super duper expensive, I can't even begin to save for it if I wanted to, it'll never get complete and it's so beautiful Mara, a total babe."

"See?"

Then I sigh, "but I can't let Curt get that for me, it's going to take all his savings and favours from his parents. No way."

Mara groans, "the guy proposed it himself you alligator. Did you put a knife on his neck and make him promise you that? He clearly has the money and means."

"I can't."

"I hate you and you stupid sweetness. I need a best friend who's willing to spend dollars on me."

I just shrug to that, deep in thought. Is Curt really thinking of getting that for me? That's so huge, he must want this game very much. "Mmhm."

"Anyway even if you don't want the camera, there are other benefits," she leans into the camera of her laptop. "You get to spend quality time and pretend to date the guy of your dreams."

I laugh, "you know me seeing your lips move up close doesn't make me hear you anymore than I would if you remained sitting normal."

Mara ignores me, "Timmy that's like living every crushers dream. Imagine this, you get to hold hands, he spends every moment with you and maybe, just maybe," I feel her face is about to split from her grin, she does a drumroll. "You get to pretend kiss. It'll might be pretend but your lips get to touch his, imagine that Timmy. Just imagine that dream come through."

And imagine I did. I couldn't even speak because of how my heart starts palpitating and my face gets all red, I can't even look at Mara anymore. She however, has the time of her life laughing. "Shut up."

"Damn I wish I was in your place with some hot girl," she says dreamily, pushing her lips out as if about to kiss somebody.

Then I remember Curt's other proposal with Alex. "But he thinks I like some dude Alex and is going to try to make Alex notice and like me back."

Mara face palms, "well, it still doesn't matter. You get to be with Curt finally and all those girls who always make you upset and crying would back off. He'd be yours."

"It's pretend," I say, my heart still beating nonetheless. I am saying it to both Mara and myself.

"Could turn out real," she shrugs.

"No, Curt is straight and has gone through Sixteen girlfriends."

Mara tuts, "changes nothing. He could end up loving you like you do and even though he doesn't, maybe pretending to date him would get the feelings out of your system finally and you can move on. It's been going on too long. And even if it doesn't, at least you'd experience dating Curt."

"Yeah," I agree and it shocks me. I expected Mara to back me up on the fact that it's a stupid idea and help me not do it. But the opposite is happening. I eye her, "or you just want to live your dream gay relationship through me?"

"That too," she can't smile now because she has a mask on. "Win win."

Mara and I keep talking via video call until her mom calls and she has to get ready for school. Different time frames in America and Philippines. I bade her goodbye and shut my laptop, jumping up on my bed.

Mara and I became pen pals through an English project in school during sophomore year and unlike others who ended their relationship when the class ended, Mara and I had too much in common to. We bonded so much that we moved our relationship from pen pals to Whatsapp friends to calling friends and now we video chat every now and then, whenever we're both free and is convenient. She the closest thing I can call a friend after Curt, she knew everything about me, even things Curt didn't know which mostly concerns my love life and friendship struggles. She was gay too with secret crushes and a very homophobic family so she's very very deep in the closest. We share our opinions about various things together, about culture, America and Asia.

Mara has a big extended Philippino family and one day she dreams of coming to the big Apple— New York. She isn't sure when it's going to be possible though but a kid can dream. She tells me things I don't know about Asia and how closed minded they are with traditions and education and strict parents. Mara thinks I'm living part of the dream life and I guess coming from her perspective she's right but sometimes I really don't feel it. Whenever I decide to visit the Philippines she has promised to be my guide and vice versa, as long as where she comes to is Massachusetts, I haven't gone anywhere else. And maybe we'd visit New York together and Korea and China— mom's apparently both. (That's why I go as Asian American because saying Korean Chinese American is such a handful.)

My phone lights up and I lazily get off the bed go grab it and lie back down. It's a message from Curt, I quickly open it.

She didn't tell him. I'm so relieved rn, I'm jumping up and down. I guess she has a heart afterall.

I smile, he is referring to his mom not telling his dad about the drama in school with Nadia. I start texting him back, turning so I'm lying on my tummy, my legs raises up and my chest resting on my pillow. Of course she has a heart, she's your mom and congrats. Have you heard from Nadia?

His text come in almost immediately and I can just imagine him lying on his bed too and texting me. Yeah, she texted a simple sorry. I didn't say anything, don't have to. I think I'll block her.

Hm. Do what you want to, at least she acknowledged her wrong.

Whatever, have you considered the offer? Will you date me?

My heart skips so much after reading that, it's almost comical. I sigh, berating myself for being so gullible. No.

Oh come on, pretty please? Everybody already think it. We'd be bringing making people wishes come through.

I smile, replying him. Goodnight Salazar.

I'll take that as a yes, Liu McKenzie. Tomorrow would be our day one. *Wink*

I scoff, "our tomorrow." I wouldn't lie, it has a nice ring to it.

You don't even know how to be gay, you're straight through and through. Nobody would buy it. I don't even know if it made sense, there's nothing like how to be gay, or is there? A text comes in and I'm distracted from my thoughts.

Well, I'm sure there's a How To Be Gay for Dummies somewhere.

I laugh— very funny.

And you can teach me. I'm pretty sure we'd be believable, we make a good team Timmy.

I don't know what to say to that— goodnight Curt.

Goodnight Timmy.

I drop my phone face down on my bed and groan into my pillow. Fuck it, I guess I am going to do it. Curt really wants it and what have I got to lose, except my sanity that is but who cares, I'd have Curt and he'd be happy.

He'd be happy.

His face from this evening flashed through my mind and it hurt seeing him hurt talking about being used. I guess all those times girls dragged him around, taking pictures and all, he wasn't just fake smiling because he was tired or too drunk or in need of just sex. It was because he didn't like it at all. He needs me.

I grab my collage book, and my camera and laptop, going through the pictures I took today and arranging the small squares polaroid pictures in my book, according to the time frame I took them. I didn't get the chance to print out the ones from today because I wasn't in a good mood, I'd do that tomorrow. The camera is mine, my savings and mom's money bought it for me for my fourteen year old birthday and celebration into freshman year of highschool. I've been using it since then, updating little things here and there with any money I get. It's because of it I got the job at the school paper, it'll help me in my credentials. The school tries to assist by paying for the prints and paper for the pictures and I use it for my personal collage too. It's a win win.

I continue at it until I fall asleep dreaming of Curtis Salazar.

*

I can hear Curtis feet pattering as he comes down the stairs— it's about time. I pour us the heated coffee into two cups, grabbing almond milk and sugar (my mom doesn't like almond milk, so I can only get this delicious sweetness here at the Salazar home). Curtis and I both hate black coffee and love suger. Another thing I love with all my heart is peanut butter but unfortunately, you can't put peanut butter in coffee. Shitty rules.

I look up with Curtis pokes his head into the kitchen, our eyes meet and he grins, stepping in and walking majestically to me. He is thankfully already dressed in his uniform, with his blazer resting on his shoulder, school bag the other shoulder and crooked tie on his neck— that doesn't even pass as 'crooked' anymore, it's barely hanging on. "Good morning, I thought I heard you come in."

I give him my traditional deadpan look, "I literally screamed your name when I got in and you answered."

Curtis cocks his head to a side, "did I?"

I look away, hiding my smile and pushing his cup to him. I don't know why he's being cute but I'm trying to live here.

"Thank you," he sips from his cup the same time I do and we both moan in gratitude for the taste. Our eyes meet and Curtis laughs while I blush the hell out of my face.

"Eggs or cereal?" I ask, pointing to the stocked fridge and the stocked cupboard.

"Why do you want to eat breakfast?" Curtis asks, "you Mom rushed off."

"No, I told her I wouldn't eat because I wanted to eat here so you wouldn't have to skip breakfast anymore," I rush out not even hearing what I am saying before it's out. "Breakfast is important and you skip it all the time."

The kitchen goes silent until Curtis does, "awwn."

"Shut up."

"Eggs then," he says, dropping his blazer on a stool and walking to the fridge. "If we're going to do it this once, we should at least do it right. Go sit, I'd make breakfast."

I nod and actually go sit watching him bring out eggs and sausage and bread and a big jar of peanut butter (input love emoji). I can't even hide my smile, "we have just thirty minutes until we're late to school."

He turns on the stove and toasting appliance, "I'd be super fast then."

I sit quietly and watch him cook and it's so attractive I can't look away. His broad shoulders, amazing biceps and lovely hair, I bit my lower lip watching him, consumed with a certain warmth in my tummy. I don't even know when he finishes and places a plate in front of me with a wink, "Enjoy."

I get up my stool and reach for his tie redoing it. "Curt?"

"Mm?"

"I'd do it."

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