Curtis Salazar

The next few weeks are something else to me. School kicks off like it's after my life and so does the Ice Hockey and so does my act with Timmy. We said we were going to take it up a notch and take it up a notch we did. A whole fucking notch if you ask me.

Holding hands with Timmy is a normal thing now that sometimes when walking with my friends or alone, I don't know what to do with my hand and I'm just yearning to hold him. Kissing him also becomes usual; we kiss at the car, at his locker, at my locker, on the ice, in the library— it isn't strange anymore, at all, at least for me. Kissing Timmy is different I realized that after our second kiss. Kissing girls was good, their lips were soft and it felt great. But kissing Timmy doesn't just stop at being great, I feel it all over my body, my heart feels it, my brain feels it, it's something that makes me feel like not so much of robot. No matter the circumstances, whenever I kiss Timmy, I feel better. Timmy is home, Timmy is everything.

I don't tell Timmy but I don't kiss him now just because of our game or as a chore, no. Now I kiss him because I want to. I can't help myself, his cute eyes and cute pink lips draw me to him more than any short skirt and exposed cleavage has done before. I don't tell Timmy because it's weird and I don't know how to explain it to him. Timmy and I have been friends for thirteen years and yes, I search for him when I feel like shit because I know he'll make it better. I search for him when we have to go home. I search for him when I haven't seen him in a long while or when I hear any thing/shit about him but I don't think I've ever searched for him like I've done in recent times. In a class where I know he's supposed to be or is going to walk by, I find myself craning my neck and looking around to see him even just a glimpse. Before a match I find myself searching for Timmy. In the lunch room, the hallway, the library— all the same thing.

It's different now, I know it and I can feel it. Timmy's feeling like oxygen, I need him to fucking breathe.

And it's scary too; whatever I'm feeling, I get a sense that it's always been there, always. It's just now it seems amplified and for all my wisdom and intelligence, I can't explain it or put a name to it.

Well apart from Timmy, another thing that's been blowing my mind is dancing. After the day at the street, I've been meeting up with the Dance Tramps. There were kinda touring around Massachusetts and now it's over and they've moved on to another city. I've visited them in about three spots and I've danced with them and even had coffee. I know them all by names now—Connor (also known as Chief), Elizabeth, Grace, Luna, Joseph, Danny and Vic.

Connor and Luna took a special kind of liking to me and Luna begged me to follow them on their tour. But I couldn't and can't. Not only is dancing prohibited for me, I still have school and Ice Hockey. I told them what I usually danced before is Ice Dancing, I am good at it and I know all the moves. Connor said when I am done with school and ready to go professional, then I can pick a side. He believes I am some kind of prodigy and at first they all couldn't believe I haven't ever gone to a dance school or had lesson. I didn't tell them my dad hates it and I'm not allowed it, I don't tell them anything about that.

Anyway, now they are gone and I can finally come back to reality and face the fact that that life isn't for me. At least not now.

*

"God, I'm beat!" Kenny yells, coming to sit by the bench with me. We have just finished a game where we got our asses handed to us. Well, not really, we did good but they still won. "Fucking Hilary, that guy is just too rough. And did you notice he was always coming at me? Like there's homophobia attack and then there's just plain touch me, touch me. I think that was a touch me, touch me thing, don't you think? I think he likes me. Fucking hell if he does!" Pause. "Curt? Salazar, listen to me!"

That snaps my attention away from where I was watching Timmy laugh with his female co-worker friend as they looked through his camera and to Kenny. "Um, what?"

Kenny has the I-can't-believe-you expression on with a low-key smile. Then he groans and takes on a full on smile. "Salazar, I can't even be mad at you because you're too cute."

"What?" I blink.

He points over to where I was looking a second ago. "The way you look at Timmy and get lost is so cute, I can't be mad at you for ignoring me like an some bench flea."

"Oh," I blush a bit. Me, blush? What the fuck? "Sorry, I wasn't ignoring you. I heard everything you said."

"Okay, so?"

"Hilary is always rough and I didn't notice if it was a touch me thing," I reply honestly. I am fighting a headache, it's like each match takes something from me. These recent matches especially. I could spot a guy from college— although, I'm not sure but he's the only one dressed in a suit here, so— and now he is talking to the coach and I know it's not about me, even if it's about me, that's also a problem. Rubbing a finger over my forehead, I proceed with talking to Kenny. "Wait, he's gay?"

"Probably," Kenny answers, legs crossed in front of him. "I usually just know but guys are getting really good at pretentiousness and then there's the bisexuals," Kenny rolls his eyes, eying me like I did something to him. I blink, a bit startled. "Like you, always confusing things. Like, why can't it just be simple right. If you're going to fuck pussy, fuck pussy. If you're gonna fuck dick, fuck dick." He eyes me again. "Excuse my language."

"Um, excuse you?"

Kenny moves closer to me, "oh sorry, you probably ask yourself that all the time right. Tsk, life can't just be simple." Then he laughs. "Timmy must have gone crazy to realize that you actually like him back. I told him though, like since junior year I told him you liked him. Poor boy was dying inside, completely in love with you. Now here you are, practically drooling over him. Wait, hope you aren't experiment and actually love him?"

I am hearing so much, I can't concentrate on one. I'm bisexual? Timmy is in love— "Yeah, I love Timmy."

Kenny stays still looking at me, then he laughs. "No, that's not it. You're saying it like you always did before, it isn't like that anymore Curt. You don't just love Timmy. You're in love with Timmy."

I bite my lip, "w-what makes you think so?"

"I don't think. I know. I see the way you look at him. I see the way you glow and smile when with him. You can't hide it Curt and I bet you can feel it here too," Kenny points at me chest, over my heart. "It's different with the one you love. Everything makes sense and you feel whole with them. In a room full of people, you look for them. It's like some kind of—"

"—magnet." I complete, strangely understand everything that is coming out his mouth. I usually don't understand Kenny.

He snaps his fingers, "yeah. Anyway, what do you think about Hilary?"

I blink, the way this guy switches. "Um, I don't know. If he's straight, isn't that a problem?"

"What? Why would it be?"

"Because you're gay?"

"Dude, horniness doesn't care if you're bent or straight. If he's willing, whether he has a wife and kids, I don't care."

I laugh, "you don't actually mean that, right?"

"I don't?" He wiggles his brows at me and winks.

I don't even know what to think and I shake the thought of Kenny sleeping with a married man out me head. Like second nature, I turn back to Timmy and my eyes don't stay a second on him before he's looking back at me. I smile automatically and he does too, raising his camera up to take a picture. His friend whispers something to his ear and even from a distance, I see him blush red, looking away from me. "Kenny— h-how did you know you were gay?" My mouth asks, going faster than my head.

"What?"

I face palm, "fuck, you don't need to answer that. Sorry."

Kenny crosses his legs, looking at me curiously and just when I am about concluding on the decision to stand up and leave, he speaks. "I don't mind answering. Um, I've always known? I just didn't see the appeal to girls as other boys did. I like the boys instead."

I nod, "yeah, same with Timmy I think."

"What? Are you doubting your gayness?"

"I'm not—" thankfully, I caught myself on time before denying the fact that I am gay. I am gay— to everyone else. "No."

Kenny chuckles, "what's going on Curt?"

"I'm feeling things I've never before Kenny," I say, it's like I'm feeling like a dam, yearning to burst to someone. "It's driving me crazy and I don't understand it. Timmy's my best friend."

"And your boyfriend," he quickly adds.

I run a hand through my hair, "yeah but, I've had other relationships. It's never been like this."

Kenny scoffs, "duh. Those girls weren't Timmy. You are in love with Timmy."

I open my mouth to say something else but it would just lead to me spilling the truth about my game/lies with Timmy. I can't do that, even though it's just Kenny, I can't do it. At least not without Timmy's consent.

Kenny dramatically gasps and when I look at him, he has his eyes fixed ahead on Hilary, the other school's ice hockey defender. "I just caught his eyes Curt. He looked at me. I knew it, I'm fucking going in."

"Kenny—"

He gets up and turns to wink at me, "relax, what's the worst that can happen? A punch in the gut?" He scoffs. "Life's too short and damn, I want to hit that ass."

I nod, my lips sealed shut, I didn't know what to say. "Goodluck."

"Thanks Salazar," I watch Kenny go and I sigh, fighting the urge to take my eyes back to Timmy. I'm going crazy for real.

My eyes flick back to Timmy, unable to control myself and now he was frowning seriously at something his friend was showing to him. His glasses were crooked, as usual and his bangs looked a bit ruffled up, sticking out a bit. I couldn't see his lips clearly but I could guess they were as small and pink as I last saw them. My heart started thumping and I startled, placing a hand over my chest as my lips parted so I could breathe well. Timmy wasn't here and he was knocking the breath out of me.

Was Kenny right? Am I — I shake my head. No way, I can't be love with Timmy he's my best friend. And I'm not gay.

But then what's all these feelings then? Something is very different and it all revolves around Timmy. I groan, closing my eyes and pulling on my hair. "Fuck," what's happening to me?! When I look back up, Timmy isn't there anymore. My eyes widen and I start searching for him with my eyes.

"Boo!" Someone says from behind and I gasp, turning around with wide eyes that meet the brown calm ones of Timmy Liu McKenzie. He burst out laughing. "Looking for me?"

I was right, they were still small and pink.

"Timmy..."

"Mm?" He is still smiling, eyes wrinkled up and tiny behind his glasses. He looked... Beautiful.

"I think..." My entire body is on fire. "I think I—"

"Curtis!"

My neck snap at the sound of my name and I see Warren waving me over.

Timmy takes a seat beside me, placing a hand on my thigh and my eyes immediately lowered to where his hand was resting. "Your captain calls. Go, I'd wait for you."

I look at him once more and get up immediately like my ass is on fire. Maybe I just need a walk. "I'd be right back." He nods at me and I walk over to Warren taking my precious time as I go.

Warren tells me that the guy in the suit was from a college after all and he was asking about Kenny and I. I couldn't believe my ears. Somebody was actually curious about me? Warren says nothing has been finalized or set on stone yet if not Coach would have been the one talking to me but then it is good news and he wants us to celebrate. Luckily for us, even though we lost our game the other team is throwing a huge party in town and we were invited.

"I don't think I'm up for a game Warren," I tell him, my mind still spinning as I ran my fingers through my hair. I look over at the bench where Timmy is and he is still there, staring at his camera with all concentration. I am not even that disturbed about the fact that I might actually stand a chance of getting scouted. The weight in my heart is heavier.

"Why not?"

I turn to him, "I have a lot on my mind."

Warren chuckles, patting my shoulder. "And that's why you need alcohol. What better friend to a troubled mind than alcohol and at this party there would be free unlimited alcohol."

"Warren—"

Warren uses his hands to turn me around so I am facing Timmy once more. "Nope I'm not hearing it. Go and invite your boyfriend too. You're coming and we are having a wild night together."

I sigh, not having the strength to fight and the thought of alcohol tempting and giving me comfort. At least my mind wouldn't be on overdrive if I'm drunk. Maybe then I'd have the courage to ask Timmy all that was on the tip of my tongue. At least then if I make a mistake or say the wrong thing, I can blame it all on the alcohol. What if Kenny is right and Timmy actually likes me? Then that would mean all my past girlfriends have been right, especially Nadia. Nadia was always saying Timmy was in love with me and always trying to intrude in our relationship. Of course she was talking nonsense then but what if? What if I've been blind all along?

My heart is beating so fast, like it would beat whenever I feel like I'm getting overwhelmed and about to pass out. I couldn't really tell the feeling though, excitement or fear.

"Yo, Curt are you okay?" Warren asks, getting back my attention. Then he chuckles. "You can't keep spacing out like that man. What on your mind?"

I shake my head, dismissing the questions. "I'd see you at the party Warren."

I don't wait to hear his response before I walk back to Timmy placing a hand on his thigh to get his attention. He doesn't even flinch or act surprised. But then how would he? We've been doing a lot of touchy this days. "Timmy?"

"Mmhm," he answers, eyes still on his camera and when I don't say anything for the next three seconds, he looks up. His brown big eyes meeting mine. "What?"

I swallow, taking in a deep breath and asking. "Want to come to a party with me?"

He immediately scrunches up his face. "A party, ew."

I chuckle, Timmy is cute. "Come on, just this once. It's our first party as a couple. You have to come."

"Can't we just lie I am sick?"

"No Timmy," I hold his hand. Soft and small. "I need you there."

This time Timmy reacts to me holding his hand. His eyes go a little wide and lower to both our hands on his thigh and when he looks back at me, his pupils seem a bit bigger. Or I might be seeing things and this is the normal.

Then he smiles, a small smile that resides more in his eyes than lips. "Fine. I'd come."