Timmy Liu McKenzie

"Well," I pause, thinking about how to frame the next thing I want to say. There really isn't another way to ask this, it's complicated enough. "The big question is, c-can. you. kiss. a. guy?" I say each word slowly, making sure Curt hears them clearly over my stutter. I can feel my face getting close to boiling point and I know I'm blushing embarrassingly. "I mean, we can tell people you're gay but," I glance at him for a second. "You aren't really Curt."

You're straight and straight dude's don't kiss guys, especially their best friend.

I internally groan, how did I manage to get myself into this mess? I don't even know what I want Curtis to say; yes or no. If he says Yes, that takes things on a whole other level and he might be bi-curious or just free like that and being free like that isn't that great because I'm not free like that and I don't want to get comfortable stuck in a joke. Whether it's pretend or not, Curtis is going to kiss me. His lips would touch mine and I'd feel every inch of everything I'm not supposed to feel. Now if he's comfortable with it, what if I get way in over my head and start seeing things that aren't there? I'm trying to get rid of my crush/love, I don't want to be stuck in this forever.

And then if he says No; would I be heartbroken, yes. Would my insecurities pop out dancing in my face as they mock me? Of course. Would I feel like the most unluckiest and pathetic bastard to ever exist? Definitely. But I'd live and maybe that would be the slap of reality I need.

But then reality hurts like a bitch and living a lie doesn't hurt like that. Maybe in the long run but I can cross that bridge when I get there, right?

"No, that's not the big question," Curt suddenly says and I finally look at him confused with a raised brow. "The big question is, am I going to be your first kiss?"

I freeze, having not expected that.

After a while of complete silence, Curt shakes his head with a sigh, "Shit, Timmy, I can't take away your first kiss."

I blink at that looking at him. The roots of his hair were a little more brown than the dirty blond of the rest of hair and if you look closely, the tips were more blond. "What if I want you too?" I blunt out.

Curtis shakes his head, "I don't deserve to and you and I know you're a complete romantic. You want your first kiss under the moonlight with Sam Smith playing in the background and butterflies in the air."

I blush at that, he remembered it so accurately.

"I am going to date a lot of girls and kiss a bunch of them when I get older," Ten year old Curt said, smiling to himself. He had just had his first kiss that day and I wasn't nearly about to hear the last of it. He had been talking about it all day and even though I was super tired of hearing it, I liked the way he smiled and his eyes shone when he talked about it, so I let him. Plus it's not as if I have any other interesting thing to talk about.

Edith Zachary had written him a love letter and she said she wanted to kiss him in it. Some of our other friends egged him on and he walked up to her, before he could even say Peanut Butter, she stood on the tip of her toes and pressed her glossed lips to his, taking everybody by surprise. I shuddered just thinking about it and pulled my legs up to myself as if I was feeling cold. We were sitting outside his house on the bench swing they had on the porch.

"You cold?" Curt had asked when I didn't say anything.

"No, I'm just disgusted," I confessed. "Why would you want to kiss a bunch of girls? Their lips look slimy with all that lip gloss on and you'd just be eating it off her face."

"It's sweet and it's not about the lip gloss Timmy," he shrugged. "Their lips are soft too."

Tch, everybody's lips is soft.

"She stole your first kiss," I say with a frown. "You should be mad at her."

"I was going to kiss her anyway and it doesn't matter, a kiss is just a kiss. I could have done it with any girl and it'll still feel great," he angles his body on the bench swing so he's facing me, the turn making the bench rock a bit. "Are you saying this because you're jealous?"

I scoff, "no."

"There's no reason why you shouldn't get your first kiss now, just tell me the girl and I bet I can make her kiss you."

I use my weight to push the bench, making it actually swing. "Now that's just wrong."

"Why?"

"Because a kiss is something special between two people that have an attraction and share something special too. I don't want to kiss just anybody," I look up at the sky, my glasses almost falling off. I pushed it back in place. "I want my first kiss to be special; under the moonlight with my favorite music playing in the background and butterflies in the air." Now I was smiling too.

"Timmy look," I turn to see Curt folding his knuckles in like someone diseased, he was laughing. "I can't move my fingers because of how mushy you are." I scoff, laughing to myself and shoving him a bit. "You're hopeless, how can you be such a romantic now? Don't you care about your body count aka booty count?"

"I don't know what that means and no."

"Yeesh," he attacks my hair with his fingers, messing it up. "I can't believe we're friends."

"Curtis!"

Then he attacks me with tickles, laughing with me and making me scream, kick and squirm. "Tell me you'll date a bunch of girls with me."

"No! I won't date a bunch of people! Curtis!"

"I'm grown now and maybe my wants have changed too," I say to Curt. "Plus, I already had that."

"What?" Now he looks taken aback.

I shrug, unable to look at his face. "I've had my first kiss Curtis."

He gasps, "what?" Then he scoffs. "That's a lie, you would have told me if you have."

True but it also isn't a lie and I did tell him—only he was drunk and passed out then. I look at him now, "I'm not lying."

It takes a moment for it to sink in and I watch in Curt's eyes as it does. "Timmy, the fuck?"

"I'm sorry, it just happened and I told you but you were passed out when I did and I didn't want to talk about it after that day anymore," I ramble out, chewing on my lip.

Curtis looks betrayed, "I tell you everything."

"I know and I'm sorry okay," I clasp my hand over his. "It wasn't a big deal and I kinda felt—" guilty. It's pathetic but the feeling I get after my first fucking kiss is guilt.

"Felt what?"

I sigh, "forgive me for not telling you Curt, I swear I tell you everything too." Well. . . Define everything.

Curtis keeps looking at me and then he sighs. "It's fine. I'm just mad because you're my best friend and we are supposed to know everything about each other and if someone had asked me as your best friend if you have had your first, I'd tell them no and I would be wrong. I kinda take pride in the fact that I know you more than anybody else and you know me more than anybody else. I never want to be wrong about you, ever."

Curtis words hit home and I feel like a bee has made it's way into my throat, buzzing and stinging me at the same time. My hands leave Curt and I break into a cough. I'm the worst best friend on the fucking planet and I understand Curtis, I'd never want to be wrong about him either. It's just one lie, just one. One that I'm holding in for our own good— knowing I'm in love with him can ruin our life long friendship. I can never risk that, never.

Curtis pours the orange juice he brought into a glass and hands it to me, tapping my back as I drink, "calm down, it's alright. I forgive you."

I take deep long breaths in an attempt to stop the coughing, "t-thanks."

Curtis playfully rolls his eyes before the smiles widely, grabbing my hand in his. "Well, give me the deeds, who was it?" Then he gasp, "wait, was it Alex?"

"No."

His smile returns, "okay, who was it then? Do I know him? Wait, it was a guy right? Was it just a kiss or did more happen?" He gasps again. "Don't tell me you had sex?"

"No!"

"Okay, spill then!" I burst out laughing at his impatience but start telling him anyway.

I don't even know the guy's name, so much for a romantic, at least Curtis's first kiss had a name, mine doesn't. It happened last year, during the midterm break the Salazar's decided to go for a three day vacation break at their extravagant lake house located in some kind of woods that we get to after a three hour road trip, I was invited to come along and my mom let me. It was supposed to be a relaxing holiday but then it turned out to be anything but that. The first day was spent getting used to the place and getting over the fatigue  the road trip caused, relaxing and talking, at least between me and Curt, I have no idea what his parents or twin siblings were up to. The second day, things started off greet until lunch time when we had barbeque by the lake and one thing led to another Curt and his father got into a huge fight. It was terrible, I can never forget it. That was the first and probably last time Curt ever spoke out to his father and he got slapped twice for it. Something tells me it would have been more if I wasn't present.

Anyway after the argument, Curtis gets grounded to his room as punishment and I spend the rest of the day alone and staring at the deep boring lake. I have never had a more worst vacation and I couldn't just leave, I couldn't leave Curtis. The next day, Curtis is allowed to come out and he was obviously still angry and he grabs me and storms off to a wild bonfire party in the nearest town. I wasn't in the mood for partying and neither was Curt but he was bent on staying and drinking his brain off. I got upset and decided to sit still by the fire and watch it's entrancing flame while Curt uses up his anger in red cups and vodka bottles. Sitting there sulking, another guy sits by me and I don't even know how or when we started talking, I guess it was the connection of one lonely soul to another.

The one thing I know is that I spilled my guts over to the stranger, telling him about my feelings and how I feel useless to Curt and I hate his family but there's nothing I can do. The guy told me his story too and it had to do with being betrothed to marry some girl and running a company he didn't want to. He was too young for all the responsibility and all he wanted to do was run, unfortunately running was so hard. After our souls lay bare between us, I don't know who initiated it first but that we started kissing, slowly and awkwardly at first before we got comfortable and it gained a little fire in it. There in front of the bonfire I made out with a dude who's name I didn't know, in a city I didn't know. We kissed for the rest of our time together no more words exchange until Curtis came screaming my name in search of me and I had to leave, no questions asked, no information exchanged.

That night I cried my eyes out feeling guilty that I kissed someone else when I'm still in love with Curt. Of course there was nothing to feel guilty about but the unshakable feeling was still there. I sneaked into Curt's room, confessed it to him and pushed it at the back of my mind since then, like nothing happened.

I shrug as I finished narrating my experience to Curt (of course keeping out the fact that I have feelings for him), blushing real bad. "So that's it, nothing more."

"Oh my," Curt groans with a smile. "How did you manage to make a random incomplete kiss fess with a stranger sound romantic? Only you Timmy."

I chuckle, "well, it wasn't exactly the dream but we were under the moon that night, music was playing in the background and fire soot was flying around us." I smile again, "perfect if you ask me."

"Perfect indeed, I should know this dude's name and interrogate him properly."

I laugh, "I don't think there'd be a need for that Mom."

Curtis laughs with me. "I'm happy you got your first dream kiss Timmy, really."

I nod, though I won't exactly call it a dream kiss since I barely remember the details form it. "Now you know and that means," I glance at my fingers. "It's okay to kiss me."

Curtis smiles and I see that he's blushing.

"So can you do it?"

He picks up the donut I almost had a bite out of earlier and holds it out for me near my mouth. I take a huge bite out of it, licking the sprinkles off my lips. "Yes, I can kiss Timmy."

My cough returns but this time it's followed by cocaine high butterflies in my stomach.

*

And so it was written in the sky that I would kiss Curtis today and go mad right after. I haven't even kiss him yet and I am already going crazy.

"What are you still doing here?" My mum asks, coming down the stairs with her high heels clamoring after her. I snap out of my day dream and turn to look at her, she has on a tailored skirt and blazer on, her equally dark hair is packed up in an updo and the red lipstick stood out against her pale skin. She also has on eyeshadow and liner making her eyes look bigger than they are. My mom is beautiful and she looks like the sister to he main character guy in that movie, Crazy Rich Asians, though a bit older seeing as she has a seventeen years old son.

"Um," I look at my cereal that getting soggy already after being forgotten. "I'm finishing up breakfast."

She nods and walks over to me, dropping her bag on the counter and turning to look at me. "You should've put some bananas in that, just cereal might not go a long way."

I mentally roll my eyes. It's no secret that my mom would've wanted a fatter child. "I'm okay Mom and you made lunch, remember?"

"Hm," she touches my bangs and eye glasses. "You might need a haircut soon and you sure you don't want contacts? Girls would get to see your eyes more and fall for you without this big glasses."

And there goes my appetite, "Mom, I love my glasses please and when I need a haircut, I'd tell you."

She looks me over once again and grabs my face with both hands, placing a sloppy kiss on my forehead, over my bangs. "Mom!" We laugh and she tries to make my hair prefect again before grabbing her bag to leave. "Love you Timmy, take good care of yourself and don't be late to school."

"Yeah, love you too." I watch her leave and sigh after she's gone, dumping my bowl of cereal in the sink because I didn't have an appetite anymore.

Curt's car horns minutes later and I grab my bag, leaving the house. We exchange greetings and after that I stay quiet, occupying myself with taking pictures while my mind is busy thinking. My mom doesn't know my sexuality and most times, I forget that and live merrily but at times like this when she brings up girls, I'm forced to remember that I'm still in the closet at the most important place in my life. I never going to bring girls home to her and I don't think she's going to be okay with that fact. I'd like to believe that my mom and I could be way more closer if she knew about this most important thing in my life. Maybe we'd talk and she'd tell me if she has ever faced anything like this before even though it's not related to sexuality. We're as close as any typical Asian mother and son which is confusing even because I don't even know what that is completely. Aren't we supposed to live like Americans in America?

"Are you okay?" Curtis asks and I blink coming back to the silent reality in the car.

"Um yeah."

"You seem preoccupied in thoughts," he said and it's then I see that we're almost in school already. "Look Timmy, we don't have to do anything you don't want to."

"What?" I ask confused but Curtis doesn't say anything, driving into school and parking. "Curt, I'm fine."

He looks at me, his eyes scan my face and he nods, getting out of the car. What's with him? I sigh and get out the car too. Curtis walks over to my side and I look at him perplexed but that's until I see his loosed tie. I chuckle to myself, "you know you're unbelievable right?"

"What?"

I walk closer to him, our feet almost touching, "when would you ever tie this on your own?" My hand reaches out, fixing his tie and he stays silent. I could feel his heart beating really fast in his chest and confused, I look up at him with a raised brow.

Curt exhales, closing his eyes briefly and when he opens them back, his hazel eyes look darker with more gold flecks in them. "Look, Timmy, I'm just going to do it."

"Do—" I don't get to complete my question because Curtis's arm immediately goes around my waist, pulling my body against his. My eyes widen but I don't get any explanation before his head lowers and his lips touch mine.

My eyes are still wide open and it feels like I just touched a naked electricity wire with my lips, sending the volts of shock from my lips down to my very toes but instead of slowing my heart beat, it accelerates it a thousand times faster. Curtis's lips move over mine, and again and again and it's like the red hot pin to my frozen body because the stiffness in my nerves reduce and everything starts coming to place, a kind of relaxation that I've never felt before in my life consumes me and my eyes flutter shut.

Curtis is kissing me.

My hands still holding his tie moves, one moving to rest over his heart and another making it's way into his soft hair as my lips move with his. Curtis sighs a good sigh against my lips and his hand around my waist tightens, the one around my neck holding me with more assurance.

Curtis is kissing me...

My tongue seeks his and it's like that is all he is waiting for because the kiss gets deeper and I swear to good we start spinning on the spot, of course not in reality but that's how it feels, how light-headed I feel and how it seems like it's only Curt and I in the whole world.

Curt is kissing me.

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