Based on a true story 😔 

Dreams
That's where I have to go
To see your beautiful face anymore
I stare at a picture of you
And listen to the radio

I would dream of him, his smile, his laugh, everything I loved about him, but told myself I was over him. It was the only place I could see his face, save a few pictures I still had. 

Sometimes I would look at those pictures and listen to our playlist we made, and reminisce about the old times, when we were just friends. The adventures we had together, the memories we made, the laughs we shared, and I smile. That's when everything was good. 

Hope
Hope there's a conversation
Where we both admit we had it good

It's been almost three years since I've seen or talked to him. He lives so close, but we never talk. I still hold onto my secret comm we had though, just hoping, praying that one day he'll give me a call and I can hear his voice again. I miss him and the talks we had. He was always a great listener and was willing to help me with all my problems. I just want to hear him say that he misses those times as much as me, that he misses me. 

If you ask me how I'm doin'
I would say I'm doin' just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind

One day, everything changed. His texts and calls and interactions with me began to become more flirtatious. It was around then that I realized I had feelings for him. Sure he was attractive and I loved spending time with him, but he was one of my best friends, I didn't think I would ever fall for him. So, I began to flirt back.

One day, when we were at a movie, he kissed me. It was my first kiss. His lips were so soft and tender against mine.  My heart exploded with joy in that moment, and I realized how much I loved him at that point. He texted me later that day, more flirtatious than ever, and told me he loved me before going to bed.

I thought something was about to happen between us, that we'd become more than friends, but I hesitated. I was nervous, and choked. I was hoping that he would initiate again, but he didn't. A few days later when I was about to go ask him something, I saw him locking lips with some other girl. My heart broke, but I was hoped it was just a one time thing. Alas, I was wrong. A few days later, you introduced her to me as you girlfriend. I put on a happy face for you, but on the inside my heart shattered into a thousand pieces. I went home that night and cried myself to sleep.

As the days went on, you started talking to me less. The days without communication turned into weeks, which turned into months, and now years. I'm not sure if it's something I did or not, but I guess I'll never know.

But I go out
And I sit down
At a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say
I'm, not over you

Even without seeing him for years, it took me nearly three years to get over him, or so I thought. I see him with his girlfriend, or maybe wife at this point, from time to time, but he never sees me. It pains me every time I see them, but I tell myself it's just because I miss our friendship.

One night I went out and got drunk. For some stupid reason I decided it would be a good idea to look back at our old texts. So many memories that I had suppressed came flooding back. The times we had together, the laughs, everything. Our late night talks, him calling me beautiful, telling me how amazing I was. It all made my heart ache, but the final nail in the coffin was seeing that text, that damn text that I forgot existed: "I love you". Upon seeing that one, my heart that I had worked so hard to fix, shattered again.

Staring at my phone, crying, I realized that I wasn't actually over him, I never was. I had only suppressed my feelings for him, to protect myself I guess. Maybe that's why I hadn't been able to find a new boyfriend, because I had been comparing everyone to him, because I never actually stopped loving him.

I cried and cried that night, not stopping until I ran out of tears to cry, or I fell asleep. I still don't remember which. My mind was on him the whole night, and all the days and nights that followed.

And if I had the chance
To renew
You know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you'd be convinced

Looking back on it, I see that he had actually had feelings for me for a while, but I had been too blind to realize it. I always think about what could have happened if I had noticed sooner. Could we have had something? What if I hadn't hesitated, if I had told him how I felt before he found the other girl?

If I had to choice go back and do it again, I would in a heartbeat. I love you Lux Bonteri, and I will until the day I die.

Sorry this is really shitty and short 😬 Prolly my least favorite thing I've ever written TBH but I promised some people something would be out tonight so ya.