"It's crazy how a girl can bring you out of a dark place, but then put you even deeper into it."

The words my friend had spoken to me years before resonated in my head as I sat on the edge of my bed. At the time, I was young and naive, only about 14 or 15 and had never really had any experience with girls. He was a year or two older and had just broken up with his girlfriend of a year, and wasn't doing great. We were just sitting out back of my house when he said it. At the time, I didn't really understand what he had meant by it, but now, now I understood. More than ever I understood what he was talking about.

Before Ahsoka and I met, I didn't really have any friends that shared the same interests as me, let alone that were about the same age as me. I lost friend that I was just talking about when my mom moved us to Raxus after my dads death, and I had trouble making new friends. Most of my "friends" were just the sons or daughters of my moms friends and colleagues that I met whenever my mom had them over for dinner.

That's actually how I met Ahsoka tho. My mom's friend, a senator from the Republic by the name of Padme Amidala came to visit to talk peace with the Separatists. Padme brought along with her a young padawan, that padawan was Ahsoka.

My first thoughts of Ahsoka were that she was just a naive child soldier, blindly fighting on the wrong side of an unjust war. I thought she was an arrogant hypocrite, as all Jedi i had been told about were. They claimed to be peace keepers, when in reality all they did was fight and kill kill kill. I assumed she would be no different.

I avoided her at first, until she walked past em in the backyard, and I decided to strike up a conversation. We talked for a bit, and I found out that she wasn't really so different from me. Sure she had magical powers and was actually fighting in the war, but what we both wanted was peace in the galaxy. She also hadn't been arrogant and hypocritical as I had first thought, she actually was fairly down to earth and did agree that the Jedi should not be a part of this conflict as it did not follow with the Jedi code of being peace keepers. However, she did mention that some parts of the code were outdated, which parts, I forgot to ask.

Another thing I notice about her was her stunning beauty. She was drop dead gorgeous. I'm sure she had been told that by many guys that hoped to get into her pants, but for some reason that's not what I thought of. When I saw her beauty, I wasn't thinking "ya I want to fuck her," no, I was thinking quite the opposite actually. That she was too perfect to do any of that too. It was a new feeling for me, as I had never felt like that before, so at the end of the day, I brushed it off.

She left, never to be see again, or so I thought.

Shortly after our first meeting on Raxus, we met again, this time on Mandalor, where she saved my life from Count Dooku. I then made a... rash decision and knocked her out, taking us both to Carlac to meet Death Watch. I went because they had promised me revenge on Dooku for what he had done to my mother. Ahsoka, of course didn't agree which is why I knocked her out, hoping she'd just stay in the ship when we landed. However, she didn't. She decided to come with me, expose herself, a Jedi, to Death Watch, essentially the Jedi killers.

We had to make a coverup as to why she was there with me, so she said she was my betrothed. I don't know why, but when she said that, my heart started beating faster. Again, i shook it off and dismissed it as nothing.

When we got back to the Death Watch camp, she began arguing with me, telling me how bad of a plan I had. That Death Watch would take my information and then kill me. As she was yelling about how bad they were, the leader, Pre Vizla, entered our tent. To silence Ahsoka so she wouldn't give away her secret, I kissed her. Despite the fact that she struggled against it a bit, I enjoyed the kiss. It was then that I realized what I had been feeling, love.

To make a long story short, Ahsoka had been right. Death Watch found out who she was and turned on us, almost killing us both, but Ahsoka saved the day. We narrowly escaped and left in our ship. She begged me to come back to the Republic with her, that they'd give me safety, but I just couldn't. I stepped inside the escape pod and Ahsoka and I said our goodbyes. I could see the pain in her eyes as I did so, I wasn't sure, but I thought that she had grown to like me too. It was hard to leave her, believe me, but I had to. I couldn't go to the Republic. I had to find my own path. As I jettisoned away, I wondered if I would ever see Ahsoka's bright blue eyes ever again.

A few years later, after the war and after the rise of the Empire, i was struggling with a lot of things. Depression, loneliness, worthlessness. I had to keep constantly on the move, hiding from the Empire. It was a very lonely life, no friends, no living family. My life had no meaning, and I had thought about ending it on multiple occasions, but something always stopped me. I didn't like to admit it then, but I think what had stopped me all those times was Ahsoka. Even though I hadn't seen her for years, my love for her had never wavered, and I just couldn't bring myself to end my life because of what she may think if she ever somehow found out.

One day, on some moon in the outer rim that was my hiding spot for that time being, I was in a bar having dinner. Someone sat down beside me at the bar, but I didn't pay them much mind, as people came into this bar frequently which was one of the reasons I liked it, when more people were around it was easier to hide, to blend in. The person beside me ordered a drink without looking anywhere but straight at the bartender. I couldn't see their face because of the cloak they wore, but the voice seemed feminine.

She stayed silent, looking straight ahead. It was a bit odd that she refused to look anywhere but straight ahead. Once her drink got there, she quickly downed it and asked for another, which she again quickly downed. I stared at her in shock. I had never seen anyone that could down a drink as quick as me before. She must've been dealing with some heavy shit in her life just like I was.

She noticed my staring, and turned to look at me. "Oh don't look so surprised Bonteri," she said at the same time she lowered her hood. She looked at me with a smile plastered on her face, while I just looked at her like a damn fool. Sitting beside me was the girl I hadn't stopped thinking about since I had last seen her years ago.

I reached a hand up to touch her lekku, to make sure this was real and not just a figment of my imagination due to my intake of alcohol. I felt the smoothness of her lekku in my hand, and looked at her. I saw her blush and look away, and that's when I knew this wasn't just a dream.

"Ahsoka, h-how? Why? I though-" she cut me off before I could stumble along more and make an even bigger fool out of myself.

"Yes Lux, it's me, here in the flesh. I've been looking for you for a while. You've been very hard to fin, but I've finally got you."

When she spoke those words, my heart melted. I flung myself to her and kissed her. She seemed shocked at first, but quickly kissed back. As soon as we broke the kiss, we both smiled at each other.

"What is it with you and forcing me to kiss you?" She asked with a giggle.

"Oh don't tell me you didn't enjoy either of them," I shot back laughing.

"Yea yea whatever you say," she responded smiling.

We just looked into each other's eyes for a few moments. We were content with the silence, no words had to be spoken, somehow, we both knew what the other was thinking.

After that night, all the depressive and suicidal thoughts left my body. I had Ahsoka, and that was what mattered. I didn't have to be alone anymore, she made me feel worth it, like I mattered. It was the greatest feeling I'd had in my entire life. I finally felt whole.

However, as they say, all good things must end. Ahsoka and I started fighting, they started as just small quarrels, but gradually got louder and longer. We always seemed to make up though, and come back to each other.

Then one night she left her phone on the bed while she was in the bathroom getting ready to go to sleep. I rolled over from my spot on the bed and saw it. The phone was opened to the text message app, and what I saw, it shattered me. It was a text chain with another guy. The conversation talked about their "hookups" and about how much they both enjoyed them, about how they wish they could do it more, about how I could never find out.

I sat there just staring at the phone for a bit. When Ahsoka left the bathroom and saw what happened, she immediately tried to cover it up, saying it was her friends phone or something, I don't really remember because I was too blinded by rage, anger, pain, betrayal, etc. I told her we were done, and I stormed out of the house, never to see her again.

That was only a few days ago. Now I'm sitting on the edge of my bed in the hotel I was staying at, thinking about my life, thinking about what my friend had said all those years ago. While I was thinking, I absentmindedly was tying something with a rope. When I looked down, I realized it was a noose. I had tied them so many times that I guess it'a just second mature at this point. I rolled it over in my hands and thought for a moment. The one thing that had kept me from doing it before, was now gone, and there was no hope of her ever coming back. I stood up from the bed and hung the noose. I stood on a chair with the rope around my neck as took one last look around. I took a deep breath and stepped off of the chair.

My dying thoughts dwindled on one person. I'm sorry Ahsoka. Sorry I wasn't good enough for you. Sorry I couldn't be what you hoped I would. I'm sorry.

Wow so that was a lot darker than I anticipated... hope y'all enjoyed it tho? Idk if u can enjoy something like this tho lol