You were everything to me. You said you would stay, help me heal my depression, that I won't need antidepressants anymore and that you will have kids with me. I was such a fool to trust all that. I love your eyes, your smile, the special smile you have when I'm away, for even just a short time, and I come back and you smile like I were away for thousand years. You're the sun and I'm the moon. I turn around you but you? You do nothing. You know I loved you and even though I am far away from you, I can still love you. But you can't love me. Why cant you love me like I do? I kept your band to keep your hair together for to long. Yesterday I flushed it down the toilet. Do you remember the time we first kissed? You were so provocative the whole day, flirting and playing with me until I've had enough and said ,,one more time". You didn't listen, I grabbed your necklace and kissed you. Out of this nice, normal kiss got more, and more kissing. We were making out, sucking on each others necks. I loved this moment so much, I keep remembering it when I'm lonely. We talked about our dream house, how it would look, how many cats we would have and how many leguanas. It was a funny time to talk and flirt with you. We got together, kept making out, I did experience so many first things with you. First time really kissing, first time giving a headjob, first time giving a blowjob, first time having sex. It hurt so much but I could keep going cause it was you. Because I loved you so much and I wanted to make you happy. I loved every second of it, showering with each other, even though the other one just sat outside and waited for the other one to be ready. Why did you love me then but not anymore? You were so good to me when I was stressed, when my depression kicked in and I nearly had a panic attack. Was I just to much? Did you even love me? Did you just use me? This is what I ask myself every night but I know you loved me. But why don't you anymore? I still love you so much, I think about you everyday. And you? You blocked me. Everywhere. I can't reach you and when I look at pictures with you I just...I cry. I had a breakdown yesterday. I thought that nobody loved me and even you, the only man I trusted since years, did betray me. It is so hard without you, I'm afraid and alone. But you don't care. I wish I could do so much more with you and I still, STILL hope that you will stay in front of my doorstep in the holidays, just like you said you would. I know you won't. But the ,,but what if" is making me go crazy. Everyday is hell without you, I can't stop crying. I wrote a song. A sad song where I describe that I would be fine even if you'd used me, because it's you. It would be fine if you'd still be with me. But you aren't. And you won't come. And you won't love me. I know this, but the hope breaks me everyday. Everytime I get a message, I hope it's you. Everytime I get a call, I hope it's you. Everytime the doorbell rings I hope it's you. I can't describe how much I miss you and how beautiful you are, I just can't. I love you so much and you threw me away like I'm trash, but when I said I am you said no. Were I just to much? I'm sorry, but you could have talked to me. I wanted to, but you ignored me. Now I'm alone, miss everything new I experienced but I just....I don't wanna do it with anybody, I wanna do all this with you. I hate this. I hate how much I love you.