newly updated and rewritten and I honestly like this chapter a LOT better than the original!

After spending hours of the night reflecting on the parts of my past that I told myself I was going to forget, I finally fall asleep. I dream of a broken relationship, fractured snapshots coming into frame of broken hearts and teardrops falling, before easing into the next one. I wake up several times throughout the night, trying to will my brain to dream about anything else, but I've never been a lucid dreamer and never will be.

The next morning, I wake up with a jolt, grateful that I seemed to have forgotten the events of the last round of dreams. I sit up and grab my phone from where it's blasting its alarm on my nightstand, and I am mildly surprised to see an unusual number of unopened messages. They are scattered from time frames of the middle of the night to just a few minutes before I woke up.

Along with the unread messages are dozens of notifications for useless apps that I've downloaded on my phone and promptly forgotten about. I really need to mute notifications, but I'm too tired to figure out how to do it now.

Ali had texted me in the middle of the night, asking me if I was willing to go to a party with her. I sigh, unsure of how to kindly reject her offer, knowing that she'll try to force me into it no matter what I say. I choose not to respond and instead decide to tell her when I get to school in just under an hour.

I'm not a party person. The scarce amount of parties that I have attended have ended in disasters, with creepy boys scaring me, and unexpected spiked punchbowls. I don't like the things that alcohol does to my body; it's as if the monster likes to feed on the drug and use it as fuel for the lachrymose thoughts that infiltrate my brain every other second.

Ali knows this, and yet she always invites me for some reason. Perhaps she doesn't want me to feel left out, or perhaps she thinks that I need to become more of a social person. Whatever the reason, she always accepts my answer in the end, though not without a day or two of begging and pleading on her part.

To my shock, Noel has also texted me. I don't know how to feel about that. After a night of pondering where we went wrong, I had finally accepted that it wasn't him, and it was me. It was always me. After a moment of blankly staring at my phone screen, lost in thought, I finally open the message. It's simple: can we talk at our old place?

He knows I know what he's referring to. When we were still together, he and I had chanced upon a forgotten area behind the school that was hidden away from the majority of the students and faculty, for whatever reason. It was covered by a copse of trees, which may have been the reason for its secrecy, but Noel and I had found it and spent lunches there for years. I had always reveled in the idea of having a private place to spend with only Noel, but now it brings back memories that I would rather leave forgotten.

I also don't respond to Noel, but this time it's because I don't know what to say. I want to know what he wants but I also know that in the end, I will most likely regret it. I shouldn't let him in again, I know I shouldn't.

And yet, he's asking for the first time in years and already I want to say yes.

I shake my head, going to my last unopened message thread. A smile crosses my face when I see who it's from. Greyson Carter, a boy who goes to our rival school, Hudson High, is an unlikely friend of mine. I have yet to meet him in real life, which I know sounds incredibly suspicious. I met him online via the world of social media, a truly incredible but also dangerously powerful invention of the modern world. While I mostly keep to myself online, I like the idea of being able to talk to other people that share the same interests as me, despite us never having met. Not everybody on the internet is a stalker or a perverted old man, and despite my mother's initial reluctance, I have grown to love social media.

Grey is the only person who knows at least a little bit about the darker aspect of who I am. I like to believe that because I've never met the boy face to face, that I could tell him about the sides of me that I hide from everybody else. It's almost as if because he's not there to judge me, I can let him in, to the point of explaining the outskirts of the monster.

We've been online friends for months now, but lately, I feel as if it's time to actually meet him. We've never broached the topic but I believe that I know him well enough to be able to meet him in real life and not be as antisocial as I normally am around new people.

He's asked me if I've seen the latest contemporary film out, and I tell him no. If he were anybody else, I would suppose that he was perhaps asking me to see it with him, but I know that isn't his intention at all. He's too polite to ask me out just like that over text, knowing my history and my extreme dislike for social encounters, something I am grateful for.

I quickly get ready for school, showering in scalding hot water and pulling on a pair of boyfriend jeans and a sleeveless maroon top. I don't tend to follow stereotypes: I like to be able to wear what I want despite my reputation and my social status. Clothes are a form of expression that even the monster can't control, and I love how it's one constant in my life that I am free to manipulate on my own.

I shape my hair into two messy loose braids and head downstairs. Unlike the majority of the girls at my school, I don't wear makeup unless there's a special occasion that requires it. Otherwise, I don't see the point of wasting my time when nobody notices me anyway.

The routine of my life gives me some peace of mind most days. When something goes astray, the monster feeds on that and I sometimes have mental breakdowns. However, today is just like any other day and I've never been more grateful for something so simple. The drive to school is peaceful, Luke's voice in the background as I mentally go over everything that I have to do today. The sadness seems subdued today, which I am grateful, and the fact that I was able to get out of bed is improvement compared to some days.

I laugh at Kent's antics and go through my day without any accidents or mishaps. Ali is desperately trying to force me into going, even going as far as to promise to buy me tickets to Luke's next concert, but I refuse. I haven't heard news of Luke going on tour anytime soon, and even if she did, I'm not sure I could make it. The idea of large crowds and flashing lights gives me more anxiety than anything else, and I can only imagine the impression I would make if she had to stop her show to call security to wheel the girl having a panic attack out of the stadium.

The rest of the day goes by like any other. We get our tests back in physics, and although I almost had a mental breakdown, I ended up with a better grade than I expected. Although the monster doesn't truly allow me to be pleased with myself, I feel better about the class than before, and even start to respect Mr. Coli.

He gives us a lecture about how he's disappointed with the overall class average and institutes more exams into the schedule. I force myself not to think about it—otherwise it will give me extreme anxiety—and instead walk to my next class after shoving the test in my science folder.

Ali and I regroup at lunch, deciding to eat on the grassy quad today because of how sunny it is. The climate is not kind, but today it has graced us with the pleasure of feeling the sun for the first time in ages. I try not to take that as a sign for anything—I have learned the hard way to not take hope in trivial things because I always end up disappointed. However, I try my best to enjoy the heat while it lasts, and eat my sandwich with something almost resembling a smile on my face.

About halfway through lunch, I'm glad I didn't decide that today was going to be good just because of the sun, because somebody comes to darken it once again. Noel comes sauntering over as I'm about to take another bite of my sandwich, and Ali stands, crossing her arms, looking ready for a fight. Her stance is quite amusing, considering how she's one of the most vertically challenged people I know, but she holds her own.

"What are you doing here?" she asks immediately, as soon as Noel is within hearing distance. He holds up his arms.

"Relax, Al. I just need to talk to Lisa."

She rolls her eyes. "As if I would ever let that happen. And don't call me Al. You don't deserve to have any privileges for either me or Lisa ever again."

"I'm sorry about everything that happened, okay, Aliyah? I just want to talk to Lisa about something that only concerns her. So if you don't mind..."

He tries to push past my best friend to get to me where I'm still sitting, having not moved the entire time he has been here.

"No! I do mind, for your information. Why should I let you talk to my best friend? You broke her heart, Noel. That's on you. And even if she's too nice to say so, I hate you for it and always will." Ali clenches her fists at him. He takes no heed as he rolls his eyes at her.

"What did I ever do to you? If I'm remembering correctly, you're just the annoying friend of my girl's that I always ignored." He smirks at her but the words take no effect on her as she continues on as if she never heard him.

"What do you think it's like seeing your best friend hurt over some dumbass like you? You're nothing, Noel." She glances around and notices Mr. Coli, the lunch monitor, standing off to the side. "You're lucky, Williams. If our dumb physics teacher wasn't here, you wouldn't be standing right now."

It's a funny statement, coming from her, but Ali truly looks like she means it. I know that she has enough adrenaline to land a few on him, and he wouldn't lay a hand on a girl. As much as I hate to admit it, he's a decent human being; he's just not good at relationships.

"And Lisa isn't 'your girl' anymore," Ali says, scoffing at him. "And she never was. She's not a piece of property to be owned. Any gentleman would know that."

Noel grins at her. "Aww, Al, you're just jealous. Don't worry, now that I'm available, there's plenty of me to go around." He smirks. "And I know you've always wanted me. You just couldn't say anything because how would your poor best friend over there feel?" He looks at me like I'm nothing, like I'm worthless, and my stomach turns. I put down my sandwich, not even wanting to be in physical contact with food anymore.

Ali gags, retching on the floor overdramatically. "You're disgusting, Williams," she says. "As if anyone could ever replace my boyfriend."

It's at this convenient moment that said boyfriend decides to join us. "Aww, babe," he says, obviously having heard her last sentence. "You're too cute," he smile dopily, leaning over and kissing her. She pushes him away though I can see that she wants to continue.

"I'm trying to fight this bastard away, babe," she says. I want to cringe but they're looking at each other so lovingly, it's honestly adorable.

"It's okay, Ali," I say, finally finding my voice. "I can handle it."

Noel looks at me, placing a hand over his heart. "Have you really grown so much in my absence, Lee? Before, you would've never said a word."

"Well, I guess people change after realizing how much they are without a boyfriend as cruel as you," I say, just to spite him. He looks wounded, though I can tell from the gleam in his eye that it's all fake and that he's actually enjoying this.

"Can we just talk?" he finally says.

I shrug. "I don't know, can we?"

I don't know where this newfound confidence is coming from, but I appreciate it.

He scowls. "Look, I just need to know something. Stop being so difficult."

"Me? Being difficult?" I ask him, appalled. I let my mouth drop open and he rolls his eyes.

"Why do you always have to be like this? You were always so stubborn and annoying. Maybe that's the real reason why we broke up."

Instantly, even I can see the regret in his eyes as his words make contact with my heart. I take in a sharp breath. I can't believe he had the nerve to hone in my biggest securities in our relationship, things that I had only ever admitted to him when I was most vulnerable.

"Lee, I'm sorry. I didn't mean—" he tries to apologize.

"No," I cut him off. I cross my arms, trying to mask the hurt a few simple words has managed to inflict on me. "Just say what you came here to say and then leave. Please."

Ali and Ashton are happily making out, and Noel seems satisfied that they aren't paying attention. "Fine. Is it true that you're dating some kid from some other school?" he asks, crossing his arms.

I must look stunned because he stares at me with contempt. "I can't believe it's true, Lisa. I never thought you were such a skank. Turns out I was wrong."

My mouth falls open. "You're slut-shaming me? I'm not the one who cheated while I was in a committed relationship!" The audacity of this boy is killing me slowly. "And I'm not dating anybody, from here or from anywhere else. I don't even know where you heard that from!"

"I heard that somebody from Hudson High is dating a girl from West Lake, the ex-girlfriend of Noel Williams." He looks around. "And there's nobody else around that it could be than you."

I roll my eyes. "Well I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe it's the girl you cheated on me with?"

He scoffs. "She would never go for a Hudson boy," he says.

"And I would?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. I guess I don't know anything about you, Lisa."

"That's not my fault. I promise you that I'm not with anybody else. Why would that even matter?" I ask, confused as to why he even cares.

"No reason. I just can't have my reputation be tarnished by a Hudson boy."

"Your reputation?" I ask incredulously.

"Yeah, mine. You dated me, and if you dated somebody as low as Hudson scum, then that reflects badly on me and my history with girls." He actually looks serious and I let out a bitter cackle that honestly scares even me.

"Well, I'm sorry that my business affects your reputation," I say. "Can you please just leave now?"

"Yeah, leave!" Ali says from next to me, obviously having split from her boyfriend to hear the ending of our conversation. "You don't belong here," she says.

He takes one look at our scanty group and shrugs. "I wouldn't want to anyway," he says, and with that, he turns around and walks away, back to his friends in the clump of popular people in the front of the school.

I'm honestly stunned into confusion by what just happened. Ali turns to me. "What did he want?" she asks, looking sheepish. "I must have gotten... distracted." Ash chuckles from where he's happily eating his burger.

"He just heard some crazy rumor that I was dating a boy from Hudson and being Noel, thought it was true."

Ali rolls his eyes. "As if you would ever. And why does he care anyway?" She turns to look back at him but he's disappeared.

"He says he doesn't want me ruining his reputation with women if I date somebody from our rival school." I sit back down and Ali follows. "Whatever, he's just being his usual crazy self. Remind me why I dated him again?"

Because he told me he loved me. Because he told me that I was different and that he was there to fix everything for me. That he appreciated me and couldn't live without me.

I shake my head. Never again.

Ali shrugs. "Sometimes, I don't even know. When he was here, I guess he was okay, but after everything, I wonder how I could have been so stupid as to let you guys stay together."

I turn to look at my friend, frowning. "Don't blame yourself for my mistakes, Ali," I say. "I don't want that, especially since it's not your fault at all."

She just stares at me. "I just don't want to be a bad friend, Lisa. I'm supposed to tell you if I think that there's something wrong with your relationships. And I didn't, and I'm sorry."

I feel bad for her, and angry at myself for making her feel this way when everything was purely my fault. "It's okay, Ali," I say. "You had nothing to do with it. I was just too blinded by false hopes to realize that what was going on wasn't everything that I thought it was." I reach over and hug her. "You're the best friend I could ever have," I say.

"Aww, you're my best friend too," she says. "I don't know what I would do without you, Lee."

"Me neither," I say.

Ashton clears his throat, breaking our emotional conversation. "Are you gonna eat that?" he asks, pointing at my sandwich.

I grin, feeling better than before, a rare occurrence in my life. "Go ahead," I say. He grins widely, takes the sandwich, and starts eating it, leaving Ali and me to catch up on unimportant things before heading to our next class.

The rest of the day is fleeting and nothing makes an impression on my memory by the end of it other than the encounter with Noel. I head home, finish my homework, eat dinner, and fall asleep close to contented for the first time in what seems like forever.

please vote and comment! I am thinking of self-publishing this book (since it technically is done) so I would REALLY appreciate constructive criticism/feedback!

malaynaturally xxx