twenty-five.

Dancing with Sam is an entirely different experience than any I have ever had before. In the past, I never left my room, let alone went to parties. The last social event I can remember attending was our sixth grade Halloween dance. I shudder to think of it—sweaty clumps of screaming sixth graders does not sound at all appealing. Though I spent most of the entirety of the dance sipping watered-down grape juice and shoving kettle corn into my mouth, I did try to make the most of it. Sixth-grade-me didn't know who I was going to turn out to become or how much my life would change over the next few years.

I remember I did dance for one song, just one. Luke's only party song, Greenhouse Vibe. While I was more a fan of her slow, sultry music, something about Greenhouse Vibe had always appealed to me. Whether it was the fact that it was so different from the rest of Luke's singles or because it had a beat drop that you could scream and jump to in the privacy of your sixth-grade bedroom, I loved the song.

When I heard it, I remember Ali's eyes lighting up. She bounced over to me and grabbed my arm, sloshing my juice all over the gym floor. "Lee, you have to dance to this one!"

I reluctantly followed her, mainly because trying to escape from Ali's clutches is near impossible, even a four-foot-eleven version of her, but also because I had to admit that it did look fun. She led me to the center of the crowd despite my protests, telling me that if I was only going to dance one song, then I was going to do it right.

Gree-gree-gree-greenhouse

Remember the feeling

We shared in the

Gree-gree-gree-greenhouse

The greenhouse vibe!

Looking back on the song, I can see how it flawed it was, an accurate representation of an artist's early work, when they don't quite know the direction that they're headed in yet. It sounds like a generic pop song, something that might blow up on YouTube for a couple of months and then never be heard again. But at the time, I loved the song.

At the beat drop, I took a deep breath, took Ali's hand, followed her lead, smiled widely, and jumped.

In the middle of jumping up and down, I let loose a wild scream. My hair was flying everywhere, my feet were starting to ache from this sudden use of them, and the minimal makeup that Ali had forced me to wear was starting to melt off.

It's the best memory I have of my childhood.

I often find myself looking back on small memories like these and realizing how much of life I missed out soon after sixth grade. And while I am full of regrets, I know now that without those parts of my life, I would not have formed the relationships that I have today. I wouldn't have met Greyson, I wouldn't have met Jared.

And worst of all, I wouldn't have met the wild, beautiful boy in front of me.

I shake myself out of my memories as I feel his arms gently shake my shoulders. The song that's playing is blasting some sort of electronic tune through the crowd, and although I don't personally know the song, I can feel the techno vibe in it forcing me to want to dance.

And even though I can't dance, even though I have never done anything like this for the past six years of my life, I force myself to lift off of the floor, grab the arms of the boy I love, and leap.

******

It feels as if it's been hours since Sam and I first set foot on the dance floor. In reality, it's probably only been around forty-five minutes, one hour at the most. His face is alight and I've never felt more alive.

And then, the music suddenly drops and a lull overtakes the crowd. I wait as the next song starts to play. It's a slow one, and suddenly I can feel my heart thudding to the bottom of my chest.

Luke.

"Are you okay?" Sam asks. His face looks clearer and I think he's starting to sober up. His face takes on a worried expression as he takes in my drastically changed mood. "What's wrong?"

I look away from him, unsure of how to explain what I am feeling. "Nothing, I'm fine." He takes me by the shoulders gently and turns me to him.

"No, you're not. I know when a girl says that she's okay, she's probably really not."

I shrug. "It's just... this song. It just means a lot to me." I can feel my heating up. "I know, it sounds so stupid."

"No, it doesn't, it's actually pretty amazing that you know what you like and you've stuck with it for all these years." He pulls me into a hug. "And I know how hard it must be for you right now. Do you want to go sit down?" He gestures to the area that we were at before, which is conveniently still empty.

But as much as I want to get away from the music, from the recurring sadness, I can't do that anymore. I can't keep running from my past just because I'm afraid of a potential relapse. And Sam deserves to have a brave girlfriend, a strong one.

If we ever start dating again in the first place.

I shake my head. "No, it's okay, Sam. Let's dance." He looks unsure but I nod and he must see the resolution in my eyes as he sighs and takes me into his arms, bringing me closer to his chest. I lay my head just below his shoulder—problems of being short—and we start to sway softly to the music. I close my eyes and let his rhythmic body move me around the dance floor in a slow romantic dance. Luke's voice resonates through my bones and I can feel myself slowly recovering from the pain and the hurt that used to appear when I heard her voice.

"How can you be so close yet so far at the same time?" I hear Sam say softly from above. His chin is resting on the top of my head and I can feel his jaw move as he speaks. My heart hurts from his words but I don't say anything, pretending as if I didn't hear anything, though I so desperately want to tell him that I want him back, that I can't live without him, and that I'm sorry for everything I said and did.

But now is not the time.

And then I hear him gasp, loud enough for me to start and retract from him. I stare up at him but his eyes are fixed on something behind me. I slowly turn and I feel my heart stop, my face paling before my mouth spreads into a smile.

Jared and Greyson are slow-dancing.

And their mouths are interlocked in a passionate display of affection and new-found love.

And while it is the most unexpected thing that has happened in a while, I can't help but feel a surge of happiness racing through my body.

I'm so happy for them.

Everybody around them is so immersed in their own significant others' or are too drunk to notice and I can't help but feel relief that Jared and Greyson can have this moment be private and restricted solely to them. I hadn't realized the way that they felt about each other, but obviously this has been going on for a while.

Which reminds me to turn around. When I catch sight of Sam's face, I want to laugh. I've never seen him look so shocked, confused, and guilty. "Lisa... God, I, Jared, he—" I cut him off by leaping forward and colliding my lips with his.

We kiss for what feels like hours. I can feel everything between us changing all over again as he stiffens in surprise and then slowly melts into the kiss. When nature steps in and forces us to pull away to breathe, he stares at me with shock, love, and desire in his eyes. He looks scared, cautious, as if he's unsure if I'm going to turn the tables on him again and tell him it was a mistake.

I shake my head as he starts to ask the questions that I know he is dying to ask. "Sam. I am so sorry for everything that happened." Luke's song has long since faded away but a slow, dreamy music is still playing, creating a perfect atmosphere. Sam is almost completely sober now, and he's staring at me like perhaps I'm the one who is intoxicated. And I am. Drunk on life, drunk on love, drunk on happiness. It's every cliche ever made all wrapped into this one moment.

"Sam, there were so many misunderstandings between us but I want you to know that through it all, I never doubted my feelings for you. And I know it seemed like I gave you reason to lose all trust in me, and I'm so incredibly sorry for that. I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant for you to have a reason to doubt me." And although I am happier than I have ever been, I start to cry. "And here I go again, always ruining the moment," I say, trying to laugh through the tears.

"Lisa, stop," he says gently. "I was the biggest idiot of all time. I should have listened to you, I should have let you fully explain, and most of all I should have believed in you. I'm such a hypocrite, always talking about nothing is ever as it looks like and how we have to build trust, and then I go and blow it all over a misunderstanding that is so incredibly stupid that I want to laugh about it and chuck something against the wall right now." He takes a deep breath and squeezes his eyes closed. "I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted to make you feel the way that I know you're still afraid of today."

I start in surprise. "And here I was thinking about how well I must be hiding my emotions."

He smiles just a little. "Lisa, I know you. We may not have known each other for very long... hell, it's only been seven months since we first met. But in that short time, I've learned more about you than any other person before. And that should mean something. That should show something. I know that you're afraid of being weak and that you're afraid to let that darkness overtake you again." He reaches out and takes my hand, leaning forward and resting his forehead on mine. "But I think you have the right to know that even if we weren't together, I would still do everything in my power to protect you from that from ever happening again. And you wanna know why?"

I nod, even though I'm sure I know what he is going to say.

"Because seeing you like that hurts worse than anything in the world. Because seeing you in pain makes me want to burn the world down if it means that I can see you smile again. And I know I sound incredibly lovesick and cliche but I mean every word." I know he does. I can see it in his face. I can hear it in the earnestness of his voice. "And through it all, through the pain and the fights and the tears, and the laughter and the inside jokes and the happiness, I want to be with you. I want to be there with you while you're changing, and growing, and maturing. And I want to be with you when you go to your dream college. And I want to be with you when you graduate and become whoever you become." I'm crying in earnest now, and Sam smiles and leans in and kisses me again.

Pulling back, he whispers a mere inch away from my lips, "I want this all with you because I love you."

I can feel my heart being wrenched inside out but I force myself to smile through the tears. "I want everything that you said with you too, Sam." I laugh. "I don't sound nearly as eloquent as you but I promise I'm being just as honest. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Sam. And maybe that's stupid, or laughable, or unrealistic. I mean, I know we're only in high school and stats show that these relationships don't work out in the end." I know that I've made this conversation more dour than it was supposed to be and I quickly continue. "But I have faith that we will make it through everything and defy the odds. And I know every couple says that but we're different." I take a deep breath. "I've never told you this but you are my personal savior. You've saved me from myself, Sam, and that alone is enough to fuel a forever relationship. I am confident that we will make it, Sam."

He looks touched. "Lisa..."

"And I love you, too, Sam. Forever and always."

And just as Sam is about to respond with God knows what, we're collided into by a swaying pair of bodies. Greyson and Jared are lost in their own world and don't seem to even notice what just happened.

And even though it ruined our moment completely, Sam and I take one glance at them, turn to each other, and burst out in peals of laughter that must echo in the quieter room.

We laugh until tears are streaming down our cheeks, not that that took much effort since I had been previously crying. Jared and Greyson finally seem to take notice and jump apart from each other quickly.

"Did we interrupt something?" Jared asks, looking worried, since he knows what I was going to tell Sam. He looks at me as if trying to figure it out and I just shrug at him with a smile on my face.

I shake my head, laughing. "The better question is, did we?" I motion at them and send them the most reassuring smile that I can, wiggling my eyebrows suggestively.

Jared looks at a suddenly-sober Greyson with a smile that I can only describe as lovesick. "Yeah... so this happened," he says, gesturing between him and Grey. "Actually, it kind of happened before. We just never really... wanted to say anything."

Greyson looks unsure as to how we are going to react but Sam pats him on the back with a grin on his face. "Good going, bro. I was starting to worry about Jared for a minute there with my girl." He looks to me. "Oh yeah, we got back together too."

Greyson's eyes pop. "Thank God! Now Lisa might start talking at lunch again!" I roll my eyes and shove his shoulder. He clears his throat. "And yeah, I think I'm bisexual, but I'm not really sure yet. I just know that I love this boy next to me." He looks at Jared with a look on his face that's similar to the way I look at Sam.

"I'm so happy for you and Jared," I say. "Are you guys going to... go public?"

Jared and Sam and talking and making up by the looks of it, what with their bro hugs and nods. Greyson looks to Jared and shrugs at me. "We haven't gotten that far yet. I know what happened to him at his old school and I don't want anything like that to happen again, especially not because of me. Not that I think anything extraordinarily bad will happen at our school, but there are always a select few who are complete assholes, you know?" He sighs. "Luckily, he has me this time to protect him, and he can protect me. That's the great thing about a relationship. You have a person by your side at all times. A person who is willing to fight and a person who is willing to love you unconditionally. And although I know we're moving a bit fast, I think it's been slowly growing over the past couple of months, really." I look at him in surprise and shame.

"I didn't notice at all, Grey. I feel like such a bad friend." I think back to every smile, ever look, every time they shoved each other in a way that I now realize was flirtatious.

Greyson smiles a little and pats me on the shoulder. "Lee, it's fine. We tried to keep it as covert as possible especially since we weren't a hundred percent sure what the other person truly wanted. And you were lost in your own nightmare and I don't think anything could have gotten through to you." His eyes sadden. "I never want to see you like that again, Lee. And even though I'm not entirely sure what you and Sam are right now, since I never really know, and I suspect you don't either," I grin at that, "I'm glad that you have him."

I nod. "Thank you for that, Grey. You've been such an amazing friend and I feel like I've only been awful to you in return." Guilt is threatening to overcome me. "I'm so sorry for that. I want to try to be better friends. Especially since this is our last year all together at the same school."

"Stop, Lisa. You've been an amazing friend. You understood me in a way that nobody else ever did and for that, I will always be grateful. And you're right, we need to make the most of this year." He turns to the front of the room to the makeshift DJ station that is still emitting depressing music. "It's time to turn this party up!" he screams at the top of his lungs. Everybody else roars along with him and surges to the center of the dance floor, taking my friends and I along with them.

Ali and Ashton somehow end up right next to us. Jared and Greyson are dancing with each other and Sam is behind me, jumping up and down hilariously at my behest, despite his groans of protest.

"What happened here?" Ali screams over the music, gesturing to the new couples.

I just laugh and pull her closer to me. "Thanks for being the greatest friend I could ever ask for!" I shout.

I don't quite know if she heard all of it but she must have heard enough because she reaches forward and pulls me into a hug. "You're the best friend I've ever had, Lisa!"

We pull away, form a group within the crowd, and lose our minds dancing our hearts out. This is what I've needed. Friendship, love, other people around me.

I am happy.

:(

WE ONLY HAVE THE EPILOGUE LEFT

WOW

OMG

malaynaturally xxx