I know I said I was gonna update weekly but here's a treat or something. I just finished editing it and I was too happy to not update it on wattpad :)

There's an unexpected knock on my bedroom door and I jolt up in bed. I wasn't expecting anybody today and my mother never comes up here. I momentarily debate the merits of opening the door before the person decides to open it themself and walk in.

I'm in shock when I see who it is and I can't stop my mouth from falling open.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, narrowing my eyes at the offending person. "Who let you in?"

"Geez, Lee, haven't you learned to be polite to your guests?" Noel asks, plopping down on the bed next to me.

I stare at him, my heart racing. "Only when said guest was actually invited." He rolls his eyes.

"Can't a friend come visit and say hi? Check up on his old best friend?" Noel asks.

I look at him, disbelief and confusion warring on my face as I try to fight the urge to kick him out. "I'm not your friend, Noel," I say finally.

"That hurts, Lee," he says. "That really does."

"Well, good," I say. "Can you just leave? Please? I really wanted to be alone right now."

His eyebrows furrow. "Why?"

I sigh. I should have known that he doesn't understand the concept of alone time. "I'm okay, Noel."

He pauses. "You know, back when we were together, you used to say that a lot. You know? Like whenever I asked you anything about how you were feeling, you'd brush me off and say you were fine."

I stare at him. I never thought he noticed the little things like that. "Well. I just. I'm okay. I'm not the best but I'm okay." It's the most honest I've been in a while and I have an innate urge to laugh at the irony of this situation: the first ounce of honesty from me in a while is directed towards my cheating ex-boyfriend.

"I know you think that I'm an awful person, Lee," he says quietly, breaking the silence. "And I'm sorry for what I did, really I am."

I don't want to believe him and I especially don't want to be hearing these things right now. "Please, Noel. I don't want to hear this. Not now."

He presses on, almost as if he didn't hear a word I said. "Please, Lee. I know that you might think badly of me." He laughs. "I mean, I know damn well that you think horribly of me. And you deserve to. I deserve all your bad thoughts about me." I want to say something but I can't think of anything to say so instead I stare down and pick at a loose string on my bedspread. Anything to avoid eye contact.

"Lisa, I'm not going to lie. Cheating on you was the biggest mistake I ever made. And you didn't deserve that."

I nod. "I didn't need that from you too, Noel."

His face is a mask of pain. "I'm so sorry, Lee. I'm not sure if you can ever forgive me but I just need you to know that I didn't want to hurt you."

I laugh and it's bitter. "Sure."

His expression contorts, as if he's hurt that I don't believe him. The nerve of this boy. "What we had wasn't perfect but it did mean a lot to me," he says.

I roll my eyes, pulling my legs up to my chest. "Sure, because meaning a lot equates to cheating on a person. I understand what you mean."

His eyes close and for a second, I see a glimpse of the boy I thought I was in love with. He looks so innocent and vulnerable that I forget everything and want to forgive him.

The feeling only lasts a second, though, and I come back to reality with utter shame in myself. He's still talking and I force myself to listen. We deserve this closure. I do.

"God, Lisa, I was so lost. Confused and angry at you and at everything."

I shut my eyes, not wanting to hear anymore. "What do you even mean by that? I always tried to do everything that you told me to do. I didn't go against any of your completely unfair rules and I was always loyal to you. Why did you hate me so much?" Tears are threatening and I want more than anything just for him to leave. I don't need him to see me cry, not after so many years of forcing myself to be stronger than I could ever be to please him.

"I never hated you, Lisa! God!" he says, his voice raising in decibel, so much so that it scares me. "How could you even think that?" He shakes his head. "Every time I asked you if you were all right when you so obviously weren't, you lied to me and said that you were. Do you think I didn't notice that you would take some away from me at school or even at my own house to go off to your own world and get lost? Do you think that I didn't hear the tears from my bathroom while you thought I was asleep? God, Lee, all I ever wanted was for you to open up to me and tell me what's wrong! And you still won't do that now!" He looks at me, a fire in his eyes that once scared me for making me care so much.

"I'm sorry that I can't share my feelings with just anyone!" I explode, my voice becoming louder than ever before with him.

"But I wasn't just anyone, Lisa! I was your boyfriend and I was starting to love you but because you kept lying to me, you didn't let that happen!" Noel shouts. I'm afraid that my mother is going to come rushing upstairs but when I listen, there are no footsteps. Maybe she isn't home, or maybe she doesn't hear me.

I'm lying to myself and I know it. She's used to my explosions. How is today any different?

"That doesn't give you the permission to cheat on me, Noel!" I say, trying to control myself. I can already feel the monster smiling, loving the feeling of anger and fear and exhaustion as I yell at the boy I used to love.

"She meant nothing to me, Lisa! I was sorry the moment I did it! But I needed some sort of relief from the box you had put me in! You thought I couldn't handle it! You couldn't trust me! And that hurt, Lee! I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, but I was angry and hurt and scared that everything we had, everything that I had come to look forward to and to love was falling apart! I was afraid that what you had to say to me was your introduction to a break-up! And I couldn't deal with it!" Noel looks as if he's going to start crying and already I'm regretting every word I've said so far in this conversation. I was in the wrong first and his actions were all an effect of mine.

With tears starting to trip over the edge of my tear ducts, I manage to say, "I'm sorry, Noel! Okay? I'm sorry for everything that I never told you! I just couldn't! I couldn't say it because I was scared of how you would react. Of how it would react! It wouldn't... I couldn't... I can't..." I can't breathe and I can feel my lungs closing and the blood in my veins clogging. My vision turns spotty and I can see Noel's concerned face, his hands running through his hair and his eyes widening, in front of me.

The tone of his voice is familiar: panic. His words jumble together as he jerks towards me, reaching his hands out. "Lee? Lee! Lisa! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please stop shaking, please stop, you're scaring me, I'm so sorry," he says over and over, reaching over and gathering me into his arms.

His embrace is the last place I want to be but the throes of the beginnings of a panic attack don't allow me to force him off. As I struggle to find oxygen again, he starts to rock me back and forth over and over again, until I can take a semblance of a deep breath again. Silent tears are pouring down my face but I can't emit any sound. The monster is cackling as it twists at my ribcage and grabs at my heart and my lungs and everything that makes me me.

"Please, Lisa, please breathe. Please breathe for me. Please," he whispers into my hair. And although I should hate him, although I will never feel the same way I ever felt for him, I revel in gratefulness as he manages to bring me back from the brink of the edge.

Funny how life works. Funny how the boy I have vowed to stay away from and never think about again is the one doing all the saving. Funny how the things I tried so hard to hide, the things that broke up our relationship forever, are the things I have now exposed to him in the worst way possible. Funny how his reaction is nothing like I imagined it to be. There's no disgust, no anger, no laughter. Instead, he's kind, fearful, and caring for me. Even though I don't want him back and even though I don't love him, in that moment, I'm grateful.

And as the life slowly comes back into me, as the oxygen suddenly shakes hands with my lungs again and I can breathe, and as the tears stop falling, I can't think of anything other than how grateful I am that he finally knows.

I'm grateful that he still cares.

******

When I can breathe again, and I have managed to sit up on my own, Noel breaks the silence. "What was that?" he asks, though his voice is barely louder than a whisper.

I can't look at him, I can't face him. This is everything that I never wanted him to know. That I never wanted anybody to know. This weak, attenuated, pathetic side of me that shouldn't exist but does against my will.

"Lisa?" he asks, reaching a hand out tentatively to touch the side of my face. I want to jerk away but I can't; I'm still getting used to my own body again.

I close my eyes and shake my head. I can hear him shifting his body towards me and when I open my eyes again, I see that he's come much closer.

"Jesus, Lisa, you can't just not tell me what just happened."

He's right. He's seen too much, more than I ever wanted. My voice comes out scratchy and hoarse but when Noel offers to get me water, I decline. I need him next to me right now, scary as that sounds.

"I get panic attacks sometimes," I say slowly. His eyes register what I'm saying and he slowly nods.

"Okay."

I'm surprised by his simple reaction, expecting more out of him, whether negative or positive, I'm not sure anymore. "And I think I have some form of depression. Or anxiety. I'm not entirely sure." It sounds even more pathetic coming out of my mouth but I've decided that however he takes it, I'm going to be as honest as I can.

"Have you seen a doctor?" he asks.

So far, he doesn't seem to be taking it badly at all. "No. My mother doesn't believe in doctors and I don't need to take meds. It'll only feed it."

His brows furrow. "Earlier... you mentioned an 'it' as well. What do you mean by that?"

I stare at him, trying to think of how to explain it. "I know this sounds incredibly stupid, but I sometimes feel like there's a monster inside of me. Like some dark... being or something that lives insides of me and feasts on sadness and anger and fear and all the dark emotions I have somehow fallen victim to. And when I'm in an especially bad place, it torments me." I shake my head. "I don't know. It's stupid but it sometimes helps me to cope. Makes me feel like maybe it's not only me that's disgusting but instead it's something else."

He looks at me and smiles sadly. "Lisa, if you think you're disgusting, then you really are stupid."

I sigh. "You don't need to try to make me feel better, Noel."

"I know. But I want to. You deserve to know that this disease, or this monster or whatever it is, doesn't define you. You define you. And just because you have panic attacks every once in a while does not make you an ugly or disgusting person. Instead, when I look at you now, I see you as somebody way stronger and braver than before. Now that I know what you actually go through, I see an incredibly strong person in front of me. You should be proud of that. The panic attacks can't really be helped but you can make its effects better on yourself by telling yourself that you made it through it. That you stopped it somehow and that you are amazing enough to do that."

Everything he's saying makes sense but I can't bring myself to believe it. Instead of giving him any sort of permanent acceptance to his words, I just shrug.

"You can't change who you are, Lisa. But you can definitely learn to embrace yourself in spite of it, or even because of it."

"Noel..." I say, trailing off, not sure where I was planning on going with that. I've never heard such profound words from him, and especially not towards me. Not to say that he wasn't caring in our relationship; it just feels different somehow, given our history and what he has uncovered about me.

"It's okay, Lee. You don't need to say anything." He looks down at his hands. "I know I screwed things up with you. Permanently. And I know I can't do anything to change that. But I just need you to know that whatever you need, I'm here for you. Maybe not as your boyfriend but as a friend." His eyes are pleading and although I don't want to, I find myself already forgiving him.

"We used to be best friends before everything, Lee," he says. "Remember? If I had known that a relationship would not only end what we had but also our friendship in general, I don't know if I would ever have gone through it." The words hurt but I agree with what he's saying.

"Maybe it was all a mistake," I say finally.

His eyes are pained but he nods. "Maybe."

Taking a deep breath, I decide to take a leap and say the words that I never thought I would be saying to him. "But mistakes can be fixed. And friendships can be mended."

His eyes light up. "What are you saying?"

I look up at him. "Maybe we could be friends again like before." Before he can say anything, I quickly add, "But nothing more. I can't do that again."

He nods, his face breaking into a small smile. "Of course, Lee. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt you again and a relationship would unnecessarily complicate things."

I extend a hand out to him. "Friends?"

He grins, a genuine smile. "Friends." And our hands meet, signaling the unexpected rekindling of an old friendship.

what do you think about Noel? do you like him? hate him? are untrustworthy?

malaynaturally xx