sixteen.

As I drive to Starbucks, where Sam is working his afternoon shift, I listen to Luke's music for the first time in a long time. Her voice has been too painful to listen to for a long time, especially after she passed away, but right now, it's only fitting that I listen to her empowering words as I take on one of the biggest challenges I have ever had to face.

Shouldn't have let you go. 'Cause now it's too late to turn back. Need you to know, that without you, the world goes black.

The lyrics correspond so perfectly with my life, as they always have. It brings back torrents of memories of Luke, but I force them out. Today is about Sam.

I turn off the engine of my car, parked in front of the forest green paint of the Starbucks logo. This parking space seems as if it's been made for me, with the amount of times it's happened to be empty when I come here. From what I can see, it seems that they've been redesigning the interior of the cafe, as everything has been moved around and the chairs are reorganized. I finally find the courage to step out of the car and walk through the door into the place where I might get my heart broken in the next couple of minutes. I steel my nerves, trying to feel ready for anything, though in reality, I'm scared out of my mind.

Taking a deep breath, I walk up to the counter where I can already see Sam standing and greeting the customer just ahead of me. I watch as he interacts with the customer, a middle-aged woman wearing a floral print dress ordering multiple coffees. She must be an assistant or coffee-deliverer for her company, due to the amount of coffees she's ordering. Sam never loses his smile or stops the conversation, and I find myself wishing that I could be that friendly and outgoing. Finally, the woman in front of me finishes ordering and moves down to the pick up line. I step up slowly to the counter, keeping my head down. "Can I get a—"

"Grande white chocolate mocha? Iced?"

I look up, surprised. I suppose it shouldn't be too shocking, due to the amount of times I've ordered the same drink, but I thought he would have tried to at least block the memories out.

"I remembered your order from the first day I ever met you," Sam says, his voice rough as he looks at me. I can't even speak. Suddenly, it's as if I've forgotten why I'm even here, and I regret everything all of a sudden. "I remember everything about you, Lisa," he says quietly, as he punches in the order on the screen in front of him. "But I don't know what you're doing here. Did you want something from me?" I watch as a tiny flash of hope crosses his features before he takes a deep breath and looks away, shaking his head to himself.

I look studiously at the register. "Other than the coffee?" I ask, hoping to be funny. Instead, the joke falls flat and I look up to see him nod, his face not even cracking a smile. I take a deep breath and decide to go for it. "I wanted to talk to you."

He stops short. "Really?" he asks, narrowing his eyes at me. "Because the last time I wanted to talk to you, you seemed to want nothing less in the world."

"Yes, really," I say, ignoring his last statement, not wanting to think about it right now. "So if you want to, I'll wait over there at the same table as before," I say, forgetting to check if it's empty until the last second. Thankfully it is; otherwise, that would have been awkward. "And I'll be there until after your shift is over." I hear the man behind me cough loudly in impatience. "So," I nod at him, starting to walk away, "I'm going to go over there now. And if you don't come over after, it's okay. I don't really expect you to." I pause before adding quietly, "But I would really like it if you would." I don't know if he caught the words given the low volume I said them in, but he doesn't say anything in response.

I hand him a ten-dollar bill to pay for the coffee. "Keep the change," I tell him at the last minute. Walking down to the pick-up station, I wait for a few minutes for my drink to arrive and just manage to snag the corner table before a cranky old man in a trench coat tries to sit down. I smile apologetically but I need this table. I need everything to be perfect for this talk with Sam that hopefully will happen. I wait for over an hour, scrolling through my phone, people-watching. I notice a woman off to the side sitting alone, staring at her computer, her eyes distant, and I can't help but wonder what is going on in her life to make that lifeless look appear in her eyes. I wonder if it's anything similar to my life. I start texting Greyson, who sends me motivational quotes for a period of time that make me laugh and lighten my mood significantly. The time ticks by, and soon enough, Sam's shift is over and my coffee has disappeared. I wait for a few minutes after, and just when I think that he's not coming, and my posture has drooped and my heart has sunk, I feel a presence looming over the table and when I look up, I see his beautiful face, the strong jawline, the green eyes, all faced towards me.

He sits down across from me carefully, as if he's scared or nervous, a couple of scones in his hands. He hands one to me and I take it gratefully, having already finished my coffee quite a while ago. "Stealing the profits?" I ask, trying to smile to lighten the mood.

He looks as if he's trying to smile too, though he's definitely more successful than I am. He has a constant positive vibe about him that I can never live up to. But I'm going to take his smile as a good sign and hope that it grows by the end of this conversation. "Nope, one of them's for you, so technically, we're stealing the profits," he says. I laugh, though I feel an irrepressible surge of desire for this boy sitting in front of me. He's too kind, too sweet. Even though I've hurt him immeasurably, he still has the strength in him to try to make me laugh, to see me smile.

"Thank you," I say to him after a beat. I stare down at the scone, crumbling the corners with my fingers as I try to figure out what I want to say and how I want to say it. Finally, I decide that there's no point in planning because I know what I want to say, and I'm going to tell him somehow. "Look, Sam, I wanted to talk to you about something."

He starts speaking immediately without letting me say another word. "I'm sorry, Lisa. I'm so incredibly sorry. You don't even understand. I should never have pushed you so far yesterday, what with you being with Greyson and—"

"I broke up with Greyson," I cut in. He looks shocked at my statement, and he sinks back in his chair, the scone falling from his hands onto a napkin on the table. I shake my head at my words. He deserves the truth, the whole truth. "No, actually, Greyson and I were never dating."

He looks confused. "But you—"

"No, really. It was all fake. Nothing was real. It was... it's a long story and it doesn't matter anymore. Not in the grand scheme of things. It just happened and it shouldn't have and I regret it so much. What really matters is that it was fake and that I never... loved him like I said I did." I stare down at the ground before shaking my head and standing. "Do you want to go somewhere? Take a walk?"

Sam looks unsure at this sudden change in plans, but finally he nods and follows me out into the cold, windy day. I'm grateful that he doesn't argue with my request. I need to be doing something if I want to tell him everything. We start walking down the street, passing rushing strangers and staring into lavishly-decorated shop windows. Finally, I stop in front of a random clothing boutique with several mannequins in the window and turn to him. "Look, I just wanted to tell you that I realized something last night as I was...thinking." I pause, figuring out what to say next. "This is really hard for me to say." I sigh. "I realized that I don't want to be away from you like you said. I don't want to be strangers on the street, just passing each other by without so much as a wave or a nod of the head. I want to be more than that. More than anything we've had so far. More than friends." I close my eyes before saying the words I've been building up to, the words I've been dying to say for the past few hours.

"I want to be with you, Sam." I pour my heart out. "These past few weeks, getting to know you, I realized that you're the new Luke." He looks beyond bewildered and even a little hurt. I realize how it must sound, as if he's a replacement, a second-place man, and know that it's time to tell him.

I give him the same rendition of what I told Greyson this morning. It seems that today is the day for truth. The day to unleash what I've been hiding inside of me. The day to tell those I care about why I've been pushing them away and inadvertently hurting them. The day to tell my secrets. And although the fear has been straining against me for so long, the minute I tell somebody, the claws of the monster loosen and I can almost hear it roaring in disbelief and anguish that I am finally coming free, slowly, bit by bit.

Sam listens quietly as I speak, fully baring my soul to him. He listens to my words and reacts just as Greyson did. The similarities between these boys; it's difficult to understand how they ever hated each other so much. Finally, I end with: "I tried so hard not to hurt you but I realized that by not saying yes to what you wanted, I was hurting you anyway. A friend of mine, Greyson, actually, told me that if it all might end the same way, if it ends with you and me hurting each other or ourselves, why not try to get as much out of it as I can? And I know that's incredibly selfish of me to ask of you, and I understand if you don't want me anymore but I just wanted you to know that you're my Luke. My hero. My savior. And I thought... no, I needed to tell you that."

Before I can look to see what Sam's reaction is, my heart pounding with fear and excitement, he suddenly grabs me by the arm, gently so as not to hurt me, and without uttering a single word, instantaneously, swiftly, passionately brings me closer to him than we ever have been before, and leans down and places his lips on mine. For a second, I can barely react, cold, numbing shock spreading through my body, rendering me immobile, before realizing that this, this kiss, his lips on mine, his hands on my waist and in my hair and all over me, is his acceptance, his forgiveness, his desire, his ultimate display of love for me.

For the millionth time today, tears stream down my face as I kiss him back, but he pulls away, wipes the tears off with his sweatshirt sleeve, and kisses me again and again, gentle, firm, everything in between. Finally he pulls away and stares down at me. "Are you sure about this?" he whispers, his voice rough, his breaths shallow, as he stares down into my eyes. "Are you absolutely positive?"

I nod under his stare, my eyes catching his and never letting go. "I've never been more sure about anything in my life. And I'm so sorry for not realizing that earlier." He wraps me in an embrace, his strong arms hugging my body to his as he kisses the top of my head slowly.

He leans down suddenly and whispers into my ear, so that only I can hear:

"Lisa Schwartz.You're my everything."

I smile, tears still blurring my vision.

"And you, Sam West, you're mine."

******

We walk back to Starbucks together, our movements slow and dazed, as we talk about anything and everything that we can think of. Our hands are interlinked and we brush against each other as if we're pulled together by some invisible string. It's as if we've been apart for too long, and we need to tell each other everything we've missed out on. When we finally get back, it's growing darker, and Sam reluctantly tells me that it's time to leave. Our hands slowly break free of their interlocking pattern, and he kisses me again before telling me to be safe when I drive home. We drive away in our respective cars but not before promising to call each other tonight and every night after this as much as we can. I've never felt this happy in my entire life. My body feels as if it's on air as I drive home, and a smile sticks on my face. It's the strangest feeling, this bubble of joy that has taken me into its shell and shown me a better world and a better version of myself. Sam is my savior, and I've known it all along. I've just been too scared to ruin it for him. And for me.

Late at night, after dinner, and after a restless couple of hours of waiting in anticipation, my phone rings and I grab it off of my desk, answering it before it wakes everybody in the house.

"Hey," I hear Sam say from the other end, his voice quiet.

"Hi," I say, sitting up and bringing my knees to my chest, wrapping myself in my blankets. "How are you?"

"Happy, now that I hear your voice," he says.

I roll my eyes.

"I can hear you rolling your eyes right now."

I smile.

"And that smile."

I laugh out loud, though I cover my mouth to try to mask the noise from the sleeping people in my house. He knows me so well. "I'm sorry, it's just... that was so cheesy, Sam!"

"What's wrong with cheesy?" he asks. "I seem to remember that you like cheesy." I can almost hear his smile too.

"Nothing. Never mind," I say, the smile widening on my face. "I do like it, actually. It's sweet. And kind of adorable."

"Told you so. I knew you secretly couldn't resist my charm."

There's a pause and then we both start talking at the same time. After the awkward giggles, I tell him to go first.

He starts. "I never got to tell you earlier that I'm sorry for everything that you've been through. It truly hurt me to know that you've been through all of this and I wasn't there for you. Even if we didn't know each other before, I could have helped you now. Could have been less abrupt with my feelings. Could have waited for you to share and not pushed you so hard to pick me."

I shake my head, forgetting that he can't see me. "No, Sam, you shouldn't have to deal with any of my baggage. It's mine alone to hold and carry and deal with."

"Lisa, don't tell yourself that. Now that we're together—" He stops himself. "Wait. No. I didn't mean that. I mean—"

"Sam," I say. "If you want us to be together, then I wouldn't say no."

There's a pause and then I hear an eruption of noise on the other end. Sam's cheering and shouting in happiness and excitement and I can't help but wince at the possible interruption from either of our parents coming in in the next couple of minutes. However, nothing happens, and the excitement bleeds into me until we're both laughing and smiling on either end of the phone, the happiness bleeding through the wires.

"Then I take it we're officially together?" I ask, my heart racing.

"Yes, Lisa. Yes, always and forever."

I smile. "Is that line from that TV show? You know, One Tree Hill?"

He laughs, glad that I've caught on. "Yup, but shhh. Nobody knows that I've watched that show and nobody ever will." I smile. "It'll be our little secret. Promise?" he asks.

"Promise," I say. The promise means so much more than a TV show.

I sigh suddenly in the dark. "God, if only we had met sooner," I whisper. "All of those moments that we could have had together. All of the bad stuff we could have missed because I would have known you."

"All of the ways I could have helped you through all the bad stuff."

"Sam—"

"No. Lisa, now that you're my... girlfriend," he pauses, testing the word out, and I'm sure his face mirrors the wide smile on mine just hearing him say that, "I'm going to be there for you. Always. If you ever need help, please know that you can call me. No matter what time it is, no matter the day, no matter if you think I'm busy at work or sleeping, don't be afraid to ask me for help."

I feel like crying. Again. I force the tears away. And then I say the words I've been wanting to say but have been too afraid to. Maybe it's too soon. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. But what I do know is that I feel something for this boy and it's not just a silly old middle-school crush type of feeling. It's more than that. It's an overwhelming, senseless, drowning feeling, but beautiful and passionate at the same time. And if that's not what I think it is, then I don't think it even exists.

So I say the words.

"I love you, Sam West." My lungs seem to lose function for a tiny second after I say the words, waiting in anticipation to hear his response.

I hear a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the phone. There's a strong silence and I'm instantly struck with a fear that I've moved too fast, taken too far of a leap. Have I officially scared him away? Is that it for us already?

But then he says, quietly, finally, with enough emotion to make my heart quake: "And I love you, Lisa Schwartz."

I actually rewrote this chapter twice and I'm still not too happy with it but oh well, it's done, it seems.

malaynaturally xx