seventeen.

I wake up later than I anticipated the next morning. As I stare at my ceiling, mulling over everything that has happened in the last twenty-four hours, I can't help but feel a slight smile appear on my face. I spent over four hours talking to Sam last night on the phone, listening to the soothing tones of his voice and sitting through silences that are more comforting than they are awkward like before. Just knowing that Sam's on the other end of the phone allows me to feel happier than I have felt in months.

My phone is next to me on the bed from where I must have dropped it in the middle of the night as we talked. It's embarrassing to realize that I must have fallen asleep in the middle of our conversation, seeing as I didn't even bother to charge my phone. I'm beyond surprised that I didn't crush it on the bed, considering that I am the most erratic and restless sleeper in the world. When I plug it in to get it to light up again, I see that the call only ended about an hour ago, meaning that Sam must have also fallen asleep while talking until my phone died.

I text him quickly, wanting to know if he's awake. Hey.

I don't really know what else to say and don't add anything else once I see the three grey dots popping up, making me smile.

Hey! How are you?

As I'm trying to formulate a response to encompass the wide variety of positive feelings I am experiencing right now, another text comes through.

Girlfriend?

I smile at the word.

I'm great, boyfriend. How about you?

Amazing. So listen.

Now that you're officially my girl, do you maybe want to come to a party with me tonight?

He adds the emoji with the clenched teeth in a straight smile, the universal nervous face, as if he doesn't know how I'm going to take it. When I don't respond immediately, the bubbles pop up again.

Oh, gosh. Did I scare you off?

We don't have to go if you don't want to.

I just thought...maybe..

He leaves it at that, waiting for me to come up with an answer, letting me decide.

I take a deep breath. This is for Sam. He's doing so much already just by taking a chance with me, and I already know that he's going to do so much more in the future. Besides, a party can't be too awful with Sam by my side. If something bad were to happen, I know I can rely on him no matter what.

Yes. Sure. It sounds fun.

At the last second, I add an exclamation point to sound more excited. He responds with a huge grinning emoji and I can't help but smile. It seems that I'm going to a party, and I don't know how to react.

One more thing. It's a Hudson party...

Is that a problem?

After thinking it over, I shake my head and respond quickly.

Not really. Just promise you won't ditch me to fend for myself. :)

Of course not. Besides, Grey's probably going to be there too.

I feel just a little more relieved to hear that, and my excitement grows. We end the conversation after a couple of minutes, though I want nothing more than to keep talking to him. I wake up, dragging myself out of the comforts of my bed, ready to start my day. My mom decides to do me a favor and drive me to school earlier than usual, and my classes pass by quickly, Greyson by my side to keep me company. I was beginning to think that he was going to figure out everything and start to hate me after he learned the truth, but it seems that people surprise us.

At the end of the day, I hitch a ride home with Ali, who promptly squeals when she finds out about the party that I'm planning on going to. I've only ever been to a couple of these house parties before and I always had Ali or Noel to back me up. This time, though, will be different. This time, I have Sam. He's all I need to feel safe.

At home, I rifle through my closet, looking for all of the party outfits that I own. I finally narrow it down to three. I roll my eyes at myself. This routine keeps popping up every time I need to do something. Only, this time, I won't be asking my mom for help. Instead, I text Ali a picture of the choices I have picked out and she sends back a detailed list of pros and cons for each one that I am truly grateful for.

I look at her list, hoping that it will give me some guidance as to what I should wear tonight. I don't want to look too over-the-top but I also don't want to look dumpy, especially since this is the first time I will be in public with Sam introducing me as his girlfriend.

The first dress is the best one, according to Ali. It's a black mini-dress that cuts off several inches above the knee, scandalous enough to meet Ali's expectations, which thankfully aren't too excessive. She understands me, and who I am, but she also wants me to the look the best I possibly can. The dress has a gold belt-like waist with lacy straps that go from the back of the dress and up to the neckline, resulting in a sheer-back dress. There's a tiny slit down the front that starts from the neckline and slopes down to a couple inches under my collarbones.

I take a deep breath and slide the dress on, breathing a sigh of relief when it fits in all the right places. As I stare at myself in the mirror, I can't help but feel happy about the way I look. The feeling is foreign, and I look away quickly before I start to doubt myself.

I finish my makeup and hair quickly. I don't want to do anything too extravagant. I've given myself slight waves and natural makeup. I decide to watch Netflix while I wait for Sam to come pick me up as promised. After a couple of episodes of a new thriller I've gotten into, I check the time and see that Sam texted that he's on his way. I'm getting nervous at the thought of seeing him for the first time in what feels like forever, though it's only been a day. I can feel my heart thumping as I think about all of the people that I'm going to have to meet today as Sam's new girlfriend. What will they think of me?

The doorbell rings suddenly, and I jolt in my bed, leaping up and taking a deep breath. I walk downstairs and open the door slowly. I'm alone in the house tonight; my brothers are at a sleepover and my mother is on a business trip for her publishing company. Sam is standing outside in a light blue button-up shirt and brown khaki pants. This seems to be more of a formal party than I was expecting it to be and I'm glad I ended up wearing this dress. Sam looks me up and down, his eyes landing on my face, and his mouth drops open, mimicking the flowers that he was holding.

"Wow, Lisa. You look beautiful." He breathes, blushing as he leans down to pick up the flowers. "These are for you." He hands them to me.

I take them and smile widely. "Thank you so much, Sam. They're beautiful." My cheeks are red and I turn away, breathing in the floral scent of the flowers before placing them in a vase by the door, conveniently already filled up with water.

He takes my hand and leads me outside to where his Audi us parked. I slide into the passenger seat next to him, still smiling at his reaction. I watch as he nervously runs a hand through his hair and I want to laugh. This boy is actually flustered to be around me. I can't help but smile wider than I ever have before. It's a miracle. Sam seems to be thinking something along the same lines. "I love it when you smile, Lisa," he says quietly, reaching out to touch my face gently. "Your face lights up, and it's unbelievably beautiful." He runs a hand through his hair again, messing up the gel. "Agh, this is cheesy as hell. Let's... talk?"

I smile. "Cheesy is cute, remember?" I think about the statement for a second and then add, "Coming from you." He rolls his eyes. We drive in silence for a while before I reach over and turn on the radio. A song comes on that I used to like and my mouth involuntarily opens and I can't help but start singing along. Sam grins wildly at the sound of my voice. "Oh my God, Lisa, your voice is so pretty." I smack him on the shoulder, groaning loudly.

"I already know I suck," I smile. "You can just say it."

"I mean, anybody who sounds better than me is already good." He smiles and starts singing along to the song on the radio and his voice is impressively off-tune. I almost feel as if he's faking it to make me feel better but he keeps on smiling and singing and I grin and listen as he hits the high note in a way that tells me that he's definitely better than he says.

When we finally reach the mansion—apparently this is where the party is—we're out of breath from laughing. He opened the windows at some point and my perfectly curled hair is messy and flyaway now. But I've never felt happier. He takes my hand while I'm getting out of the car which I would ordinarily roll my eyes at but for some reason, it just feels sweet. He puts his hand out and pushes some of my hair back behind my shoulder, combing his fingers through the mess to try to get rid of the tangles. It feels strange, ethereal, intimate.

"Hey, it's never going to get any better," I say, trying to break the tension and awkwardness as he continues trying to fix my hair, though at this point, it's more like he wants to be in contact with me.

He smiles. "Somehow, this version of you makes you look even better." My heart pounds at his words and the way he's staring at me. He looks away slowly and takes a deep breath. "So, do you wanna head in?"

Not really.

I nod.

He smiles and takes my hand, guiding me up a long flight of stairs to the front door. We walk inside and almost instantly, we're engulfed by girls in mini-dresses, cutoff shorts, and slinky tank tops, boys in tank tops or no top at all, and red plastic cups full of alcohol that I have no intention of getting anywhere near tonight. Alcohol and me don't mix well.

As soon as we enter, dozens of boys whoop loudly at the sight of Sam, pumping him on the back or doing the weird man-hug thing that I've only ever seen in the movies. Girls try to attach themselves to his hip quickly but he, thankfully, pushes them away. Somebody wolf-whistles when they spot me, and a guy looks me up and down in a creepy way. Sam pushes me to his side, not roughly, but enough to announce his dominance to the other boys. I don't mind him being possessive, especially when surrounded by this many people.

One of the boys eyeballs me and looks between me and Sam. "Bro, who's this? I don't know anything about a girlfriend..." He grins at me. "Hey, whattup? I'm Jake. And you are?"

"I'm Lisa," I say, trying to smile, though really, I'm too nervous to do anything other than awkwardly wave.

"She's my girlfriend," Sam adds hastily, as if they didn't get the picture yet.

"Oh. My. God. Sammy's finally gotten himself a girlfriend," Jake cheers. He waggles his eyebrows at me and then turns to Sam. "Great going, man. I thought that after Sherri, no girl would ever fill her place."

Sherri? I've never heard anything about a Sherri.

"Jake, shut up," Sam says, his eyes darkening in anger and some other emotion that I couldn't name. "Sherri's old news."

"Yeah, but what about Kate? And Isla? And Rhia?" Jake asks, winking at him. "Oh and—" I don't hear the rest. Instead, my ears have lost their sense of hearing and the world has becomes a muffled atmosphere around me. My heart is sinking. Every single name out of Jake's mouth sounds like a foreign language. How many girls has Sam been with?

Sam doesn't say anything else to Jake and instead pushes me along further into the party. More people greet him and I'm introduced over and over again. I see girls glance at me, some with vicious looks on their faces, others brimming with curiosity or suspicion. Finally, I feel a tug on my arm and force myself to look up to see Sam, who leads me to a secluded corner that is strangely uninhabited.

Sam looks worried, his hair disheveled as he rakes his fingers through them again and again. "Lisa... All those girls that Jake mentioned, they're nobody. Half of them, he made up."

I nod. "Sure." I don't mean to sound sarcastic but the word doesn't sound happy either.

I sound cold, even to myself.

He looks pained at my tone. "The only one who I ever really... dated was Sherri. And she's gone now. I promise."

I throw my hands up. I don't know what he wants from me. To give him an okay that he's apparently been with multitudes of girls and never thought to tell me? I can't help but feel the doubts starting to creep in. "I don't care about Sherri or any of the other girls you've dated! I just want to know that I am the only girl you're with right now. That the only girl you... want is me."

He takes my hand. "Jesus. Of course, Lisa. You are the only girl I want. Lisa, God, how can you even think otherwise?"

I withdraw my hand. "I just don't know if I can trust you," I say sadly. "How do I know you're not playing me? Trying to get something from me, only just to leave me as soon as you've gotten it?" I shake my head as he tries to speak. "I want to believe you, but... I need some space. Just give me a minute, okay?"

He nods slowly and lets me go, though I feel the place where his hand touched me still burning on my skin as I walk away. I feel sad because he's lost my trust and I need some time to get it back. Maybe I'm overreacting, but there's a sinking feeling in my stomach that tells me that I need to time to think about this. It's not the fact that he's had other girlfriends, because that was obvious. He's an amazing guy and it's not like I'm his first girlfriend. I've dated Noel but I never left that a secret. It's the fact that there were so many different girls that he never told me about in the first place that makes me suspicious of him. I'm scared to think about what happened with all of them. Why he isn't with them anymore. Am I just another one of his conquests? Is he a playboy, out to break girls' hearts?

As I sift through the people milling around the party, I spot Greyson across the room. I cross over and grab his arm, pulling him away from the boy he was talking to. It's a rude gesture and I apologize profusely as we walk away, but Grey doesn't protest as soon as he sees my face. I must look devastated and exhausted.

He pulls me to yet another lonely corner and puts his hands on my shoulders. "Lee? What's up? Are you okay? Where's Sam?" he asks all at once, craning his head to look around for my boyfriend. Though I don't know if I can ben calling him that right now.

I shake my head. "We're taking a break right now."

He looks surprised. "You mean a break from the party, right? Not your relationship?"

I shake my head in response and an unruly tear rolls down my face, though I wipe it away quickly. "It's a long story. His friends just told me about all of the girls that he's been with before. And it's not like I'm being a jealous girlfriend or overly possessive or anything like that. It's okay that he's been with so many other people. I just would have liked to have known about all those girls because I want to be honest with him and I expect him to return that honesty. I told him everything about me, you know. Everything that I told you. That was beyond hard. The least I can expect is for him to be honest with me too, right? Especially if it's about twenty different girls that he's apparently been with."

Greyson sighs, running a hand through his hair not unlike Sam. "Lisa, I went to school with him for a long time. Who he used to be was an entirely different version of himself. He isn't anything like he was back then. He used to be that one guy who had girls hanging off his arm everywhere you looked. But he's not that person anymore. I promise."

I sigh. "Yeah, I get that, but he should have told me." I close my eyes. "Am I overreacting? He should have told me."

He shrugs. "I mean, did he really have to? I get that you want him to be honest with you but if he's a completely different person today, and he's with you right now, does it really matter what happened in the past? I mean, he's a good guy now and I can tell that he really thinks you're special."

I furrow my eyebrows. "How can you tell?"

He smirks. "I just know."

******

I head back out into the party atmosphere and look around for Sam, already regretting my decision to ask for a break. We just got together yesterday. This is stupid. I'm stupid.

Finally, I spot him on the other side of the room. I'm about to head over there before I catch sight of what he's doing and my heart sinks to the bottom of my chest.

Laughing. With a girl whose hands are splayed all over his chest, running her fingers up and down his jaw line and through his hair and over his lips. And him not making a move to kiss her or touch her, but at the same time, not pushing her away either.

I shake my head, not believing what I'm seeing. This is not my Sam. Not my beautiful, amazing, kindhearted boy. I push my way towards him, wanting to get to him, to make him explain, to make him tell me that what I'm seeing isn't real, but more and more people keep walking and pushing and cutting off my air supply, swarming me, flocking, seething, flooding, crushing, and drowning me. I can't find Sam anymore in the crowd and I don't want to. Somehow, somewhere, I sink to my knees in the midst of the throng of hot sticky bodies that pay no attention to the girl sobbing on the floor like a deranged person. I feel my breaths coming in and out in harsh little sounds that are unusually guttural and harsh.

The world blacks out, the music fading, the air disappearing. Arms around me are distant, the subtle thuds of being carried up a set of stairs, the should-be clamor of voices are gone. Gone until I'm left with...

Nothing.

******

I wake up with a start. My eyes open and I find myself in a dark room lit by a single lamp on the nightstand next to me, where I've been placed on a strange bed with a mountain of pillows.

Greyson is sitting on the side of the bed, his head in his hands. I struggle to sit up and manage a weak: "Greyson?"

He jolts and his head whirls up to look at me. "Lisa?" He engulfs me in an unusual embrace that shocks the air out of my lungs. "I'm so glad you're awake. Thank God."

"What happened?" I ask groggily.

He shakes his head and pulls away from me, searching my face to see if I'm truly okay. "I don't even know. When I found you, I thought you were having another panic attack or something, but this time, it felt so different. You weren't responding to anything I was saying, you weren't breathing at all, and I didn't know what to do. I carried you up here and you were out cold. I was going to call the police but I didn't know if..." He shakes his head. "I'm so stupid. I should have called. You didn't start breathing again for a full minute. God, Lee, I've never been so scared."

I stare at him. I don't remember any of this. All I remember was seeing... "Sam."

He stares at me before registering what I said and jumping up quickly. "Do you want me to go get him?"

I shake my head with as much energy as I can. "No. Please. Stay here," I beg. "I don't think Sam and I are going to work out. Not this time."

He touches my hand. "Lisa—"

"No. I don't want to talk about it or him or any of this." I prop myself up on a pillow before falling back down. "Where even am I?" I ask.

He shrugs. "The host of the party told me to pick any room. This house has a dozen of them on this floor alone."

I nod slowly. "Tell me a secret."

Greyson colors. "What?"

I sigh. "Please. Tell me something that you've never told anyone in the entire world. Distract me, tell me something more about you."

He stares at me and I wait.

He looks away and whispers something so faint that I can't hear anything.

"What did you say?"

He shakes his head and turns back to me, his face red, his eyes glassy. "I can't. I can't tell anyone. I can't do it." He looks like he's about to cry but I know that feeling. He wants to tell somebody.

I touch his shoulder gently. "Please. Greyson. Trust me."

In the span of a quivering inhale and a tenuous exhale, he whispers quietly, "I like...boys."

I don't say anything for a full minute as I try to understand what he's saying. He stares at me. "Do you hate me?" he asks quietly, his voice laced with pain.

I can't believe he even has to ask me something like that. "Greyson! Of course not! How could I ever hate you? You're the strongest, bravest person I know."

He shakes his head. "I'm not. I'm gay and I've never told anyone before. I even had a girlfriend for most of my life to keep up the image. She knew and I knew she knew but we never talked about it. I've kept it a secret my whole life. My parents don't know. You're the only person who knows." He looks down at his lap.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. He nods slowly and hugs me again. It feels less strange this time and more like he's a friend. I pull away as a realization hits me. "Wait, is this why you dated me and said you wouldn't ever fall in love with me?"

He looks beyond ashamed as he remembers. "Maybe. And I'm so sorry about all of that. But it was a new school and people were starting to whisper already, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. And I thought you needed a friend so I figured why not take the next step, even if it was fake?"

I grab his hand. "It's okay, Grey. You don't need to explain. Thank you for telling me."

He smiles faintly. "That's what friends do, right?"

I stare at him and observe this boy that I've come to know. A friend and nothing more. Ever. He stares back and a tense moment fades as relief overcomes my body for an inexplicable reason. It's nice to have a real friend.

The door slams open, hitting the wall behind it. I jolt. Sam is gasping, heaving, out of breath, and his face is red when he finally spots me sitting on the bed, my hands still entwined in Greyson's. I pull away from him and Sam almost runs over and pulls me to his chest.

"My God, Lisa! I couldn't find you anywhere, and I looked everywhere, all over the place, and I was so scared that something had happened to you, and I knew that Jake was around and he's probably drunk, and I was scared that he might have... I knew he wouldn't but I was—I I thought you were angry at me—I'm so sorry—where have you been this whole time?" His voice is a mess and his sentences are completely mixed-up. He finally seems to spot Greyson sitting next to me and instead of becoming angry, he gives him a hug that I never would have seen coming.

"Thank you for taking care of my girl, Grey," he says.

Greyson nods stiffly at him, wary of Sam for reasons I have yet to explain to either of them. Sam looks close to tears as he pulls away from Greyson and takes in the expression on my face. Then he looks confused.

"Wait, why is he here anyway?" he asks, nodding at Greyson. "I was looking for you all over the place."

"Sure looked like it," Greyson mutters.

So he saw, then. My face heats in embarrassment at my stupidity of thinking that I could ever stand a chance with a guy like Sam Ryder West. Sam stares at him in aggravation and confusion. And to think that Greyson and God knows who else witnessed everything...

Sam turns to Grey. "Greyson, as much as I am thankful to you, I think you should leave now so that I can talk to Lisa." Then, as if he thinks that he might not understand: "Alone."

Greyson scoffs. "As if I would leave Lisa alone with the likes of you."

Sam crosses his arms. "What is that supposed to mean?" I gently pat Greyson's arm.

"You should leave now, Grey. Thank you for everything. I'll be fine." I should talk to Sam about everything that I saw. Maybe there was a misunderstanding. Though I know I shouldn't be making excuses for him. Greyson stares at me once and then back at Sam before nodding stiffly and exiting the room, closing the door softly behind him.

Sam tries to take my hand in his as soon as Greyson leaves, but I shake my head and let go, bringing my hand onto my lap. He stares at me and tries to understand what's going on. "I'm really confused. Are you okay? Where were you this whole time?" I don't answer. "Are you mad at me? Because I really didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the girls. But it's all in the past."

I stare at him incredulously. "You didn't do anything wrong?" I spike the words with vehemence as whatever creature that lives inside me stirs and starts to simmer beneath my skin. "How can you even say that? Of course I'm mad at you. I'm mad that you weren't there for me, I'm mad that you weren't there to protect me when I was having one of the scariest moments of my life, and I'm mad that it had to be Greyson who was there for me in the end, and not my boyfriend of one day! I thought I could trust you! I'm mad that we had a fight at a stupid party for no reason at all, and instead of trying to talk to me and make things up, you went out and flirted with some other girl right in front of my face! I was going to talk to you but what do you think I saw? I'm mad because—"

"Oh, my, God, Lisa, you saw that?" Sam looks pained and more than guilty as he wrenches a hand towards me before retracting it quickly. "Look, Lisa, I'm so sorry about that. It wasn't what you thought, I swear, please believe me and let me explain—"

I shake my head. "No! You don't get to do that to me, Sam! You don't get to apologize and pretend that it's all the same, that everything's okay and that I'm going to go back to loving you, living in some la-la-land, because that's gone now."

I'm almost surprised to see a tear slide down Sam's face as he reaches out helplessly and tries to grab my hand again. I force myself to stand up, ignoring the dizziness that threatens my body, and back away from him. Towards the door. Towards an exit. Towards freedom.

Sam is crying as he gets down on his knees in front of me, begging in the most literal sense. "Please, Lisa. Tell me you don't mean what you're saying. Tell me you're not saying what I think you're saying. Tell me you still love me." His voice cracks more than once and his eyes stare up at me in hurt.

I scoff. "I definitely mean what I'm saying, Sam. I didn't expect any of this from you. I thought that you were different. I thought that you might be able to look past the craziness of who I am and see something different, the way that I thought I saw you." I close my eyes, letting a few tears escape as I realize the true extent of my stupidity. "I thought that you... were the one." I start to cry as I turn away from him and open the door. "I guess I was wrong."

"Wait, Lisa, please!" Sam rushes forward and grabs my shoulder. "I am that person that you saw. I made a mistake. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened, please, Lisa, just listen to me."

I still my breaths and force myself to speak without any emotion, though I want to scare and cry more than anything. "I can't listen to a person who I can't trust. I'm done with trusting the wrong people, Sam," I say quietly. "I'm done."

When Greyson catches sight of my devastated expression as I leave the room, he throws his cup into the nearest trash can and takes my hand, leading me out to his car. Telling me the only thing he drank was water, he drives me home. The entire way, tears streak down my face. Greyson doesn't say a word to try to console me and I'm so thankful for that.

Thankful.

ughhhhhhh

malaynaturally xxx