chapter nineteen

I take several deep breaths as I walk towards the front counter, trying to calm myself, my eyes still searching for someone that I know isn't there. When I make it to the front register, a tall girl with neon purple hair and a lip ring smiles widely at me. "What can I get you?"

I try to speak but nothing comes out at first so I clear my throat. "Do you know where Sam is? Sam West?"

She's chewing gum loudly and it's starting to irritate me as she smacks her gum twice before staring me over and finally answering, "Boss let him off early today. That boy's been having problems lately. None of us can get it out of him but if you want my opinion, it's a girl. He has that lovesick-heartbroken-puppy-dog look about him lately. It's annoying, really. Like, keep your personal life away from the coffee is what I always say."

I don't even know what that means. I bristle at her description of Sam and force myself to keep my voice level as I ask, "Do you know where he might be?"

She shrugs, still chewing her gum. "How should I know? You can ask the boss if you want, but I don't know what that's going to do for you. That boy keeps to himself."

I shake my head. I know how aggravating it can be to deal with managers; it's even more annoying than this girl. "Thanks, but I'm fine. Just..." I can't think of anything else to say and make a weird sound that's between a laugh and a hum. "Thank you. Bye." The girl nods and waves me along, gesturing for the next customer to come up to the front.

As I exit the Starbucks and get back into my car, I fight back tears. I don't know where Sam might be. I don't know as much about him as I should. I don't know where he goes after work, or where he goes when he needs time to think. I slam the wheel, causing the horn to blare and me to jump in my seat. "We were supposed to have learned these things about each other together!" I wail to myself before feeling stupid and shutting up.

I take out my phone from the impossibly tiny handbag that Ali handed me right before I left. I dial Greyson's number. I can't bring myself to call Sam, but maybe Greyson can help. I might as well try to find out where Sam lives and go from there. If he's not home, maybe his parents will be. Or his siblings. Does Sam have any siblings? I can't remember if he ever told me.

Greyson picks up after a couple of rings, sounding out of breath. "Hey, Lisa! How are you?"

"Hey, what are you doing right now?" I ask curiously.

"Just working out. Why?"

That explains the shortness of breath. "Hey, so I was just wondering since you guys used to be friends... do you know where Sam lives?"

Greyson's voice gets clearer as I assume he picks up the phone and holds it to his ear. "Yes, but why do you need to know? You're not going to stalk him, are you?" I can hear him smiling at the thought but I still scoff.

"Well, excuse you! I just happen to need to talk to him about something, and I don't want to do it over the phone. But I've never been to his house, and I was wondering if you knew where he lives." I pause before resorting to begging. "Please, Grey?"

He sighs. "Fine. But don't come running to me if you get arrested for trespassing. Or worse, breaking and entering." He guffaws as if he's the funniest person on earth while I resist the urge to hang up on him for his stupid jokes that aren't even funny. He reads off an address after a minute and I write it down on the back of my hand with a random pen I found in the car. "Thanks, Greyson. I owe you."

"You really do," he says. "You made me interrupt my reps so now I have to do extra weights at the end of this workout. Thanks a lot, Lee."

"You're welcome," I say sweetly before hanging up. I start the engine and put the address into the GPS and hoping that Greyson didn't give me the wrong information. I'll kill him if he leads me to some strange house in the middle of nowhere.

I arrive thirty minutes later after several U-turns and strange deserted roads. I take a deep breath before stepping out of my car, grabbing my phone and keys from the passenger seat, and walking up to the front door, pausing before knocking three times. I stand awkwardly as I pray that Sam is home. I stare at the doormat before my head pops up as I hear the door open.

A shorter woman with brown hair and a dark shade of lipstick smiles at me, though she looks confused. "Hi, how can I help you?"

I stare at her. Is this Sam's mom? She's not at all what I expected. I nod in response to her question. "Yeah, actually. I'm Lisa Schwartz. I'm... friends with your... son? Sam West?"

"Oh, hello!" She stops to think for a second. "It's funny, Sam never mentioned you to me. You said your name is Lisa?" she asks. I nod slowly, though my heart hurts at the thought of Sam needing to keep me a secret. Why did he feel the need to keep me hidden? What is so wrong with me? "But really, that boy doesn't tell me anything these days. He's not home right now, but I'd love to tell him you dropped by when he gets back." She smiles at me and I try to make my lips form a smile as my world starts to splinter in front of me. This whole thing seems so hopeless now. I obviously didn't mean anything to him if his mother doesn't know who I am.

I never did.

I can't just leave. Her mother stares at me curiously. "I can take a message if you need me to," she says after a long silence. "I think he just got off work, so he should be coming home. Or I can tell you a couple of places he might be right now. Is it urgent?"

I shrug, not sure what qualifies as urgent. "I need to talk to him about something but it's not a life or death situation or anything like that." I sigh and figure I have nothing to lose. "I'm actually his... ex-girlfriend. And I just want to talk to him about how we ended things."

She looks surprised. "Ex-girlfriend? I can't remember the last time my Sammy had a girlfriend."

I shrug again. "Yup. I guess it's not very... common." My heart sinks even further. "Can you tell me where he might be?"

She nods hesitantly. "Maybe I should just call him and see where he's at?"

I shake my head. "No, it's okay." I need to talk to him face to face, without nice interfering mothers. "It's fine. Never mind, thanks for your help."

She stops me as I turn to walk away. "Lisa, you know what? I can tell you where he might be just in case you want to go there." She pauses to think. "He might be at the school. Hudson. He just started to volunteer to help out the track team and they had a practice today. I would look there first. And if he isn't there, I would be happy to let you wait here for him to come back." As nice as she is, I don't have the time or self-will to sit here and make small talk with Sam's mother. I shake my head.

"That's okay. I can go and find him there and if not, it's fine. Thanks for everything." I feel bad for intruding and wasting this woman's time and I want to leave as quickly as possible.

"Sure, honey, I hope everything turns out okay," she says. She starts to close the door before opening it again. "I'm glad you dropped by. It makes me happy to get to know a little bit more about my son." She smiles sadly. "Really nice." She closes the door before I can figure out a response to that. Sam must not have the closest relationship to his mother, and that makes me sad for her and for him.

I get back into my car and start the engine, already heading towards the school. I know where Hudson High is from debate tournaments I've gone to there. I put on Luke's first album as I drive and sing along to myself until I reach the school. I get out of the car and head towards the track, hoping nobody catches me to tell me to get off of school property since I'm not a student here. I see the remainder of the track students walking towards their cars or the locker rooms. The man who I assume to be the coach, judging from the bright whistle around his neck, is talking to a spritely girl with a headband pulling her head back into a painful-looking ponytail. And then there's Sam.

He's talking to another girl and patting her shoulder with a smile on his face. I stop the surge of jealousy threatening to overcome me and take a deep breath. He's just talking to her, I tell myself. A tall boy with dark hair comes up behind her and hugs her from behind and my envy recedes. She has a boyfriend by the looks of it. I have nothing to worry about.

I shake my head at myself. Why am I thinking these things? Sam's not my boyfriend. Sam walks over to the other side of the track and takes down the hurdles, covering up the long jump pit before looking up suddenly and meeting my eyes. My heart quickens. He's just as beautiful as he was when I first saw him, his eyes glinting in the sun, his hair artfully messy, his smile as wide as before. He drops what he's carrying in surprise and jogs up to me quickly. I can't help but admire the track outfit on his lean physique as he comes closer. "Hey, Lisa," he says slowly. He stops short a couple of feet away from me and looks at me, unsure if he should go further.

"Hey." My voice comes out shaky as I struggle to find words. "I came here to talk to you. Actually, I went to your house before and your mom answered the door and she told me you might be here. I'm not a stalker, though, because I called Greyson to ask him where you live and he only told me because I turn out to be really good at convincing people of stuff. Or something, I don't know." I'm rambling and I don't even know if half the things I'm saying are coherent or grammatically correct.

"Lisa," he says quietly. "It's okay. Why are you here?" He doesn't say it in a condescending or accusatory tone, to which I'm beyond grateful for. Instead, he says it in a fairly emotionless voice, which almost hurts more.

"I missed you," I say slowly. "And I didn't like how we left things." I stare at my once-white Vans, the bottoms of them already turned a faint dusty red from the track. "Look, I don't deserve you." I stare at Sam, at the beautiful planes of his face, at his tall cheekbones, and his perfect jawline with a faint glimmer of stubble. "I didn't want to hurt you when we were together and I let that get in the way of everything."

"You didn't do a very good job of that. Not hurting me, I mean," he says roughly, almost as if the words physically hurt for him to say. I feel a wave of guilt wash over me and I start to say more.

"Look, I told you my story and I thought that it would be okay from there but obviously it wasn't. I didn't tell you before because I didn't want to lose you, just as I've lost you now."

"Why didn't you say anything about this before?" he asks. "Why couldn't you have just told me the truth?"

"I couldn't. I thought that those things would only darken our relationship. It would have changed everything that you thought about me and when we first met, I was so happy that somebody like you accepted me, and I didn't want to lose that."

"You wouldn't have lost me, Lisa." His voice is quiet. "Don't you see that by keeping secrets, we've managed to break each other's trust? I'm in the wrong here, too, I'm not denying that."

"I'm sorry," I say. "I'm just... I'm afraid of change. I always will be. And when you came into my life, you changed it, yes, but in a good way. Soon, you were a constant in my life. In no time at all, I wanted you more than anything I've ever wanted in my whole life. I know that I move fast but it seems that I catch feelings for the good boys. For the ones like you. And I'm sorry for putting you in that position because I was unfair to you. If I hadn't fallen for you, we wouldn't be in this mess."

"Lisa, stop," he says. "You weren't the only one who fell. It takes two to fall in love," he says. "And I don't regret that, not for a minute."

"My whole life, I've been ruled by my depression. I've let my anxieties and my fears take control of me. I was afraid that you would leave me if I told you the truth. Or that you would pity me or think differently of me and I didn't want that."

"But I didn't, Lisa. When you told me, I accepted you and I didn't treat you any differently than before."

I sigh. "Look. Before I met you, I was overcome by a monster living inside me. I've already told you all this, but what I never told you is that there were times when I would want to... surrender to it. Let it take me." I almost start to cry. "I didn't want to kill myself," I say quickly. "I just thought that the only way to be rid of it was to let it take my life."

Sam takes in a deep breath before saying, "Lisa. Promise me you won't ever think like that again. Please."

I shake my head. "I'm not that person anymore, but I can't promise you that. I don't know what will happen to me or to it in the future. And that it why we didn't work and why we can't. I can't have you constantly worrying about me and if I'm going to... I can't have you feeling like that about me because you deserve so much better than me."

He shakes his head. "Lisa, I would never think like that. Yes, I would worry about you but if you were any other girl, I would still worry about you. If you were mine, I would have to worry about you. Your safety and happiness and wellbeing. That's important in a relationship."

I take a deep breath. "I didn't come here to get back together with you." That's a lie. I did, but after meeting his mother, I don't know if I want that anymore. "Look. I'm me and you're you and you're obviously popular and people like you and I don't know why I ever thought this was going to work out." I pause, silencing his protests. "I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for how I acted at the party. I didn't think. I just saw you with that girl and then suddenly I thought about all those other girls your friends talked about and it all just hit me that I'm never going to be good enough for you. I'm never going to be one of those girls. Like, you couldn't even tell your mom about me. And that's okay. I know that I'm just another one of your... conquests or whatever. And it's okay. But I knew I had to say sorry because I was cruel and awful with the way I acted and I'm sorry."

He grabs my shoulders lightly, his eyes pleading. "Please, Lisa," he whispers. "You're deluded if you think that you're not good enough. The other girls are in my past and half of them aren't even real. My friends are idiots and I'm sorry they hurt you. It's not fair to you." He shakes his head before sighing. "Lisa, I've had one real girlfriend before you."

As if that makes anything better. Were all the other girls just one-night stands? What am I supposed to think about that? I turn away from him.

"Please, Lisa, let me explain," he says, turning me back around, though he lets go of my shoulders. "Sherri Hawke." He closes his eyes. "She was the only girl in my life before you. We were together for all of my freshman and sophomore year and a little bit before that in middle school." It's my turn to close my eyes as he speaks. This hurts me more than I care to admit. "I was really happy with her. There were times when she would do things or say things that hurt me but I didn't care. I thought I loved her and I thought she loved me.

"Then one day I came home from lacrosse practice. I was tired and just wanted to sleep. She came over without telling me and we had our first real argument when I couldn't stay awake to do... what she had come over to do. I couldn't even apologize and she wouldn't leave. Finally, my mother called hers and she left. She didn't say anything to me as she left but I thought it was going to be okay. I mean, we had obviously fought before and I thought this was going to be just like all the other ones. We always made up and things were normal again.

"But she didn't call for weeks and she avoided me at school. Finally, I stopped by her house. I had a key; we had been together for so long and it didn't really matter to her family. They trusted me and I trusted her. I opened the door and walked up to her room, ready to apologize and tell her that I wanted her back." His eyes close as his face contorts in pain.

"I walked in on her and my old best friend, Peter Jensen, in her bed together. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I just stood there before leaving."

I feel like crying for him. I know how it feels to be cheated on. "That's awful, Sam," I say quietly, touching his forearm.

He shakes his head. "The worst part is, she didn't even care. She never said shit to me again. It was like we had never been together. Peter and her stayed together for two days before she had moved on to another boy and then another. I couldn't stand it. Then one day, I realized, whatever. If I didn't mean enough to her for her to at least apologize to or explain, then I didn't need her. For a year and a half, I didn't date anyone. There were girls but I never did anything more than kissing with them. I was in a bad state after Sherri and I thought that other girls could change it. But they didn't. I promise, Lisa. I assume my friends made it look like I did more than what actually happened but I honestly didn't care about what they thought at the time."

He sighs and takes my hand. "I know this sounds fake, like I made it up but I swear to you, you're the first girl I wanted a relationship with for around two years. When you pushed me away that first time after the concert, I figured that I was bad luck. That I wasn't good in relationships and that nobody would ever...love me or whatever. And I heard you were dating Greyson and god, I couldn't stand it. Greyson always got everything he wanted. I know you said it was fake but I can't help but think..."

I look away. "I promise, I never felt anything for him." I tighten my grip on his hand and will him to look at me. "Not like I did for you. Do feel for you."

He looks surprised for just a second before he shakes his head. "Please, Lisa. Don't say things like that." He closes his eyes. "Please," he whispers, his voice shaking. "It hurts."

"Even if it's true?" I whisper. "Even if I'm trying to tell you that even after everything... I still want you?" I stop. I didn't mean to say that but the words spilled out and the only thing I can do now is wait anxiously for his answer.

His eyes open wide and he stares at me for a full minute as he tries to take in my expression and see if I'm telling the truth. Our simultaneous quivering breaths mingle in the air around us as he looks into my eyes. "Are you lying to me?" he asks. "I can't do this again if it's a lie. I really can't."

I slowly shake my head, figuring that since I already said the words, I might as well tell him the whole truth. "I want to be with you, Sam. I don't really know why. Something about you makes me want to forget the boundaries I set for myself and break free of the evil that lives inside of me. And I'm so sorry but I can't help how I feel."

He breathes out. Then in. Then out. I start to say, "Aren't you going to say something, Sam? I know that—"

As the words tumble out, he shakes his head once, cutting me off, and grabs my wrists before pulling me in and enveloping my lips with his. Our foreheads collide but I don't feel the pain. The sparks are like waves of electricity, running up and down my veins as if I were made of live wires. The blood rushes up to my face and I feel my body heat up as if I were a furnace. Sam has lit me up. His hands roam everywhere, searching, wandering, as my own hands reach up to tangle his hair and slide down to wrap around the back of his neck.

We kiss and it's like an explosion of pent-up feelings that have been lying under our emotions for too long. We're locked together, our souls reaching for each other before they finally collapse together into one. "Lisa," he whispers roughly against my mouth, his voice low and breath ragged. I have a weird sensation of wanting to break down and start crying. An overload of emotion rushes through my veins, making me feel too much, too fast.

He pulls away and stares at me. "Did you mean what you were going to say?" he asks quietly, brushing my now-messy hair back from my face..

I smile, just slightly, enough to let him know I'm happy. "Of course I meant it. How could I not?"

He pulls me closer to him, as if the close proximity between us isn't enough. "Then tell me. Say the words," he whispers. I can hear his heart beating in his chest as I listen to his words.

I pause and I feel his arms stiffen around me. I laugh quietly. "Sam West, I love you," I finally say, the words filling me up and making me want to burst out of his embrace to dance around this entire field with an uncontrolled wildness.

I listen as his breath catches and his body jolts, almost as if the words just shocked him. He smiles softly and leans down to kiss me again. And again.

"I love you, Lisa Marie Schwartz."

We are electricity.

******

"What now?" I whisper when we're exhausted and oxygen has become almost a foreign thing.

His eyes search mine in anticipation and excitement as he shrugs. "I don't know. I guess we have to figure that out as we go along."

I nod along with him. "I don't want to go too fast this time."

He shakes his head, leaning down to leave a light brush of his lips on my forehead. "I don't want to go too fast, either. I want to treasure every precious moment with you that we have together. For the rest of my life. I want to remember every moment with you, Lisa."

A tear slips out of my eyes. I'm getting too emotional. But I can't help it. "I want to remember everything we had together too, Sam. You made me better. You make me better." I look away. "Luke's music and her words helped me before but after she died, it only got worse. I was spiraling, Sam. Until I met you.

"I'm so sorry for all of the times I've hurt you. I want you to know that it's not going to be easy, being with me."

Sam cuts me off. "It'll be harder just trying to stay away, Lisa," he admits. He looks up at the sky. "God, you don't know the effect that you have on me, every time I see you. I want you. I've wanted you. Since you walked into Starbucks that day and got your girly drink."

I smile. "My drink is not 'girly!'" I protest. He grins.

"Of course not. It's Lisa-y." I roll my eyes at him.

"Are you saying I'm not a girl? Because last time I checked, I'm pretty sure I identify as a female."

He smiles and pulls me closer to him. "Of course I'm not saying that. You're not just any girl, Lisa." Leaning down, he whispers into my ear so that only I can hear, despite there not being anybody else around: "You're my girl."

******

Sam takes me home after our conversation on the field. My heart beats erratically the whole way there, which is confusing because I shouldn't be scared around him. When I think about it, though, I'm not quite scared but rather nervous about what the future between us could bring. I know that Sam and I just became official again, but I can't help wondering if I will be able to take it if he ever left me. The thought makes me anxious and makes my stomach roll. I stay quiet as I stare out the window, not daring to look at Sam, who is tapping his hands along on the steering wheel to the beat of some song on the radio.

I feel a sudden presence on my hand and startle. I turn to see Sam's hand encapsulating mine and I smile softly. I send out a quick prayer to whoever's out there: Please don't let me hurt this boy again.

Sam's smile disappears for a second. "Are you okay, Lisa?" he asks.

I look at him and smile as wide as I can. "Of course I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be?"

He shrugs. "You've just been really quiet this whole trip."

I let out a breath. "I'm fine."

His hand leaves mine suddenly and the car slows down until it's parked on the side of the relatively empty road. He turns to me after switching the engine off. "Lisa," he says softly. "Please. Tell me what's wrong."

I look away. "I said I'm fine! I'm really happy, I swear." I give him another large smile but he eyes it sadly before frowning.

"Do you not... want this?" he asks.

I'm shocked. "Want what?" I ask, just to make sure I understand exactly what he's saying.

"Us."

I shake my head vigorously and grab his hand. "No! No. God, Sam, of course I want this. Why would I not want this? We just agreed that there was a this in the first place, Sam."

He nods. "I know. But something's wrong. Don't lie to me, Lisa. I know when you're lying."

I choose not to answer his unasked question. "Wait. You want this, right?"

His eyes spark in surprise as his hand reaches up to brush back my hair, making me shiver though the sun is still shining just outside the car. "Of course I want this, Lisa. I want all of this. Forever."

And that's it. That's the word that makes me flinch, that makes me turn away from him as tears spark in my eyes. I blink rapidly but I can't seem to get rid of the tears. I don't even know why they're here in the first place. Everything's good right now. I should be okay, relishing this moment.

Sam grabs me, not enough to hurt me but enough to make me turn back to him. He notices the tears in my eyes and his face morphs into one of confusion and worry. "Lisa, what's wrong? Please tell me what's wrong. Help me to fix it."

I shake my head, my tear-filled eyes cast downward. "I don't even know, Sam. It's just... I don't want this to end."

"What makes you think there will be an end, Lisa?" Sam asks gently. I thank the stars he doesn't sound angry. I don't know what I would do if he were angry at me when things were just getting to be almost perfect. Or, as perfect as my monster would allow me to be. Why do my anxieties always have to get in the way of everything?

"There's always an end, Sam! There's always an end to everything. And I just don't know if I will be able to handle another loss, Sam. I could break, I could fall apart..." My breaths are coming faster as I imagine the day Sam leaves me. Tears fall as I struggle to catch my breath.

"Hey, Lisa. Hey... God, come here." He unbuckles both his seatbelt and mine and pulls me over the gearshift into his lap. His arms wrap me in an embrace as I cry harder against his chest. He whispers, "Shhh... just breathe, Lisa. Take a deep breath. You're okay. We're okay." His voice is pacifying, soothing, as he continues to calm me down. Finally after a couple of stretched minutes, I have managed to calm down. I lean away from him, apologizing quickly for the sodden puddle of tears I left behind on the dark fabric of his shirt. His hand reaches out to touch my hair and then leaves as he shakes his head.

"Lisa." His hands moved, and are now on my waist, searing his fiery imprint into my skin through the fabric of the thin shirt I'm wearing. I look up into Sam's piercing eyes and watch his mouth move as he says with emphasis: "I swear I will always stay with you. I promise I will always protect you in any situation, any time, anywhere. If you ever feel lost, if you ever feel down, or if you ever just need somebody to talk to, I promise I'll always be there for you. Even if it's at three-thirty in the morning on a school night or when I'm working." He pauses and my breath hitches. He sounds like he means all of these things and that in itself is more than I could ever ask for. "Even if it means transferring to Westlake High to be with you." My head jerks up at that and his hands tighten around my waist, almost as if it's a reflex.

He smiles and nods, his eyes sparking. I can't breathe. He must be lying to me. He can't be changing his life for me. "I can't be apart from you, Lisa. If there are any openings, I'm transferring to your school as soon as possible. I will do anything for you if it means we stay together." He laughs. "And it's not like Hudson is all that great, anyway." He stops again and then: "I can't be without you, Lisa. I know we said we would take this slow but it's true. Because being apart from you hurts me more than anything I've ever felt before in my entire life. Every second that we're away from each other I spend thinking of you. I spend those minutes thinking of everything I want... no, need to say to you. I want you because I love you, Lisa. And I promise I will never leave you, never again."

Tears are falling profusely all over again, but this time, for the first time, they're tears of happiness. That a boy would ever want to be with me for even a short period of time is beyond my comprehension. And to know that a genuinely good and honest boy, who's loyal and beautiful on the outside and the inside, loves me... that's a fantasy.

"I don't want to hurt you again," I whisper.

Sam smiles softly. "Then don't ever leave," he whispers back before leaning forward and pulling my face towards his and encompassing my lips with his.

This kiss is not the passionate, heat-filled kiss that we have shared more than once before. This one is sweet, an apology for who we are and the flaws that we both come with. We now share those flaws because we are now one person, one soul. The kiss is a promise, too, a promise to love each other forever and not judge each other for each other's mistakes. It's a gift, it's a cure, it's a mark of love.

We seem to act as one as we draw back from each other at the same time, both our breaths shallow and mingling in the air between us. "I love you," Sam says quietly.

I don't answer. I can't seem to find the words to encompass the emotions that I feel when I'm with him. Instead, I clasp his hand in mine and bring it first to his heart and then to mine. Finally, I whisper, "I love you," and watch as Sam's face changes into one of complete bliss when he feels the race of my heartbeat as I keep steady eye contact with him. He smiles widely and brings my hand back to his heart, which is racing just as quickly.

As our lips connect again, the words of Luke run through my head:

Two hearts,

Once apart,

Once separate,

Entwined together,

Now beating together as one. 

yay I love this chapter