fourteen.

Rumors are flying about me and Greyson left and right and I don't know what to think of it. There are days when I want to stay home just to get away from the stares and whispers but because of my stupid academic probation, I can't. Greyson increasingly apologizes as it gets worse and there's no way to shut him up, no matter how many times I tell him that I already forgave him.

And Sam went from wanting to talk to me to blatantly ignoring me.

I want to talk to him to clear the air but I know it'll only make it worse. I thank my lucky stars that he doesn't go to my school because I don't think I would have been able to control myself from telling him how I really feel.

"Hey, Lisa? How did you ever get a guy like Greyson?" Sarah smirks, her voice high-pitched and snarky. Sarah's one of Kira's groupies. She's one of those girls who acts fake-nice to make it seem like she likes you until suddenly you find out that she's backstabbed you the next day.

I shrug. "I'm just that good." I don't really know what I meant by what I just said and I honestly don't care. I'm so done with this gossip-rumor mill thing that's going on. "Why don't you ask him instead?" I walk away, leaving Sarah with some evil look on her face, I'm sure.

I take my phone from where it is in my back pocket and text Greyson, asking where he is. The three gray dots pop up and then disappear. I'm confused as to why he stopped responding until I feel his presence behind me as he scoops me up into a hug from behind. I smack his arms to try to get out of his grasp but that boy is strong and there's nothing that I can do to stop him. "Greyson!" I shriek, laughing. "Let me go!"

He laughs lowly in my ear before finally releasing me. "Hey, where have you been?" he asks. I must look confused because he laughs again. "I mean, I haven't seen you all day. What's up?" He falls into step beside me as we start walking down the hall, him pulling on his backpack strap and me with my arms crossed in my usual walking-around-school position.

I shrug. "I don't know. I've just been busy. With school and classes and stuff. You know, because now that I'm on academic probation I can't miss a day of school or a single assignment or else I might be forced to repeat this year. And then there goes my dreams for college."

He looks down at me with something like sympathy in his eyes. "I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

I shrug before nodding. "Yeah, I guess so. I mean, just... classes in general have been crazy. It's a lot of work to get done everyday before I can relax and just do normal things. And English has been kicking my butt lately."

"English? We're in the same class, you know."

I roll my eyes. "Duh, of course I know we're in the same class. I think I know which classes I have with my boyfriend." I emphasize the word sarcastically while smiling and he laughs.

"Well, okay. But how about I tutor you?"

I look at him.

"What? I'm not doing so bad in English and I could surely take on a student as cute as you." He grins at me. I roll my eyes.

"You're disgusting, Greyson. And cheesy. And gross."

"And smart," he grins, winking.

I sigh. "Sure. Fine. If you want. If it's no problem."

He rolls his eyes. "How could you ever be a problem?"

I almost laugh at the irony of the situation. A few weeks ago, it was me helping Noel with science and now it's the other way around. Only, instead of my ex-boyfriend, it's with my fake boyfriend.

How did I get myself into this?

******

My first tutoring session with Greyson is today and if I'm being honest, I'm completely unprepared. I don't even know what book we're supposed to be reading, let alone what I'm supposed to be writing my thesis paper about. I haven't had the time or mental capability to do anything remotely useful towards my English grade. It was never something I had had to worry about before this. I never used to have a problem in that class. It's just now, with everything happening, I can't focus on what I should be focusing on.

I'm so thankful for Greyson's help and I tell him so as soon as I get to his house.

He waves me off. "Hey, it's no big deal. Back in middle school, I used to always tutor my friends and other people. I'm used to this."

I smile. "Okay, so where do we start?"

He turns to me. "Well... do you have your notes on Romeo and Juliet?"

So that's we're reading. Shakespeare's greatest tragedy. Wonderful.

"Yeah, about that... I'm not sure if I ever even got past the first act so..." I trail off.

He nods slowly. "Okay... that's no problem!" He smiles. "I can just show you what the important points are that we went over in class while you were gone and then I can help you with your paper."

I nod slowly. "Okay, that sounds good. Do you know when the paper is due?"

"Next Monday by 8AM in the morning," he says promptly.

"Great. By then, I should have mostly caught up enough to write a semi-decent paper."

"Hey, hey, hey, what's with the semi-decent stuff? Are you doubting my tutoring abilities already?" Greyson smiles, guiding me upstairs to his room, I'm guessing.

"No, it's not that. It's just... I'm really behind and I don't know where we are in the class, or in any class really, and I'm not the easiest person to be around, you know."

He stops and touches my shoulder lightly. "Hey, don't say things like that. I totally understand. I mean, you must have good reasons to be behind. I mean, you don't really seem like the type of girl that just skips school for no reason, you know."

"What do you mean?" I ask, confused.

He shrugs. "You know what I mean. You're good at most things, and even though you try to hide yourself away from the rest of the world, I think that deep down inside, even you know that you're not as bad as you make yourself out to be."

I don't say anything in response, instead mulling over what he just told me. How does he always seem to know things about me before I even know them myself? I take my stuff and sit down on his bed when he motions. I take out everything that I think I'm going to need and wait for Greyson to do the same. Out comes a copy of the book, some paper, a laptop, a pencil, and some hard candy. "For snacking on while we work," he quips at my questioning stare, to which I grin.

He opens his laptop. "So I'm going to pull up the assignment online so we know what we have to look for when you write your paper. I mean, when we write our papers."

I stare at him. "Wait, you haven't written yours yet?"

He looks at me. "Lisa, I'm a teenage boy. It's a Tuesday, almost a week before it's due. Even I'm not that stellar of a student. I procrastinate sometimes like normal people, you know."

I shrug. "I know. I was just... surprised." An awkward silence ensues and I listen to him typing on his computer until he finally turns it toward me.

"Okay, so, the assignment is we have to write a paper about R&J and how Shakespeare illustrated the character's perspectives and views on what they thought 'love' was."

"That's it?" I ask. That doesn't sound too bad, considering that the play is mostly about love, to my knowledge.

"Well, yeah, but we should probably focus on one character specifically and how they viewed love and then compare it to another to show the contrasting views that Shakespeare incorporated into the play." He squints at the assignment. "Oh, and then we have to present it in a slideshow presentation. Fun."

"On top of writing the essay?" I ask incredulously, stunned that Mrs. Leon could do such a thing to us so soon before winter break.

He shrugs. "Guess so. Guess we better get to work then, huh?"

I sigh loudly. "Guess so."

Greyson starts by going over the major parts of the book that I absolutely should know: the animosity between the two families, Romeo's seeming adoration for Rosaline, Romeo's transfer of love for Juliet, Paris's desires to marry Juliet, the Friar's scheme for Romeo and Juliet, Juliet's fake death, Romeo's actual death, Juliet's awakening, and then Juliet's actual death. It's a lot more immersive than I thought and I find myself getting engrossed in passages that Greyson reads out loud to me when he deems them important.

After, we go over the important characters—Romeo, Juliet, Paris, the Nurse, Lady Capulet, Capulet, Benvolio, and Mercutio—and talk about their different opinions toward love. By the time we're starting our second body paragraphs, it's been over three hours and I realize I'm supposed to be home. It's my night to cook dinner since Mom is taking an extra shift and the twins are home alone. I stand up quickly and throw my stuff into my backpack haphazardly.

"I'm sorry, I just realized I have to get home," I say. "My brothers are there all alone and they're probably hungry and who knows what they're going to do with the poor kitchen if I don't get there?"

Greyson nods. "Can't entirely relate seeing as I'm an only child but I get what you mean. Go home. And don't forget to study! And call me if you need any help on anything. Today was good. We made a lot of progress."

I grin. "Thanks, Greyson. This was a big help. I'm sorry for my stupidity."

He shakes his head and scoffs. "Pshh, who, you? You're anything but stupid, Lisa." And the way he says it almost makes me believe it's true.

Almost.

******

When I get back home, the kitchen is basically how I expected. There is food lying everywhere and it seems as if halfway through the escapade, the twins decided to give up on attempting to cook and raid the pantry for snacks instead. I groan loudly at the mess and throw my backpack down onto the grimy floor before thinking twice about it and running upstairs to my room to put my stuff there. As I head back down, the twins meet me at the bottom of the staircase, their grubby hands grabbing at the banisters, making me wince. But I suppose it's my fault that this all happened so I don't yell like I normally would.

"Hi, Lisa! Where have you been? Mom said you had to be back before six and..." Landen squints at the digital clock on the wall, "...it's seven-thirty," Landen finishes. "We learned how to tell time in class today," he says proudly.

I make a shushing motion over my lips. "What Mom doesn't know is fine with me. And that's so cool, Lan." I walk over to Landen and stare at him. "Are your eyes okay?"

He narrows the eyes in question. "Yes, why wouldn't they be?"

I shrug. "Just asking. You were squinting. No need to get so defensive, Lan."

Peter rolls his eyes. "Are you guys done chit-chatting? Lisa, come on. Make some food! We're starving!"

I blow out a breath. "Oh, boy. Clearly." I think of what we might have in our kitchen that can be made in a short amount of time and only causes a minimal amount of mess. "Do you guys want mac-and-cheese?" We only have the box version, but it's better than nothing.

I watch as the boys' faces light up simultaneously. "Yay!" they yell, causing me to wince and cover my ears.

"Okay, but you can't tell Mom, okay? It'll be our little secret, right?" She doesn't like when we eat processed foods.

They look at each other and shrug. Peter makes a zipper motion across his lips and Landen laughs and follows suit. I head into the kitchen to make them some food before they tear the house apart.

By the time I'm done making the mac-and-cheese, I'm sweating. It's unusual because it shouldn't be this hot in the house. I check the temperature, still holding a bowl, and see that one of the boys raised the heat up to around 80 degrees. I groan loudly and lower it back down to a 70.

"LANDEN, PETER!" I yell. When I don't hear any response, I give up and decide to just let it go, despite the fact that both Mom and I have told the boys multiple times not to touch the temperature. I prepare two bowls and then go upstairs to bring them down to eat before Mom gets home. I find them in my room fooling around but I don't see anything incriminating and decide not to yell at them, save for telling them not to touch the heater anymore. They grin but don't say anything and scamper downstairs to eat their food.

They eat faster than humanly possible and stand up as soon as Peter has shoveled up every last pasta shell and Landen has eaten all of the cold vegetables that I also brought out to attempt to make them more healthy. I'm proud of him for at least attempting to eat the veggies, but I berate Peter for not eating the healthy stuff until I finally get him to eat a few tomatoes and carrot sticks. Then they head back upstairs after putting their plates into the dishwasher and I clean the dishes before heading up to my room. Before I'm halfway upstairs, I hear the front door open and I turn to see my mom carrying a few bags of groceries and struggling to get through the door.

I hurry over to her and grab the heaviest-looking bags from her and take them to the kitchen after closing the door behind her. "How was your day?" Mom asks.

I shrug. "It was fine."

"Yeah?" Mom glances over at me. "That's good."

I smile a little. "I made the twins dinner."

"Oh yeah? What did you burn?"

I shove her lightly. "Nothing this time. I made them pasta." Yup, macaroni and cheese from a box was definitely high-quality dinner.

She smiles, though it's apparent that she's exhausted. "That's good. Thank you, Lisa."

I nod. "No problem." I take the bags from her. "I would have saved you some but the twins shoveled everything down. I barely ate anything. Do you want me to make you some food? I can bring it up to your room."

She smiles. "I ate at the office, honey. But I mean, if you want, that would be great. The boss was crazy. I'm set to read around three new novels by the day after tomorrow so that would be nice."

I nod. "Why don't you just go upstairs and take a nice warm bath and when you're done, I'll bring you some dinner to your room?"

She grins. "Thanks so much, Lisa. I'm very proud of the woman you're becoming." Ordinarily, I would shove aside her cheesy compliments but I take it this time with a smile and hug her before letting her go upstairs. I take what she bought and manage to make some sort of chicken parmesan without burning it and a side of boiled cabbage, carrots, and broccoli.

As soon as I'm done arranging a semi-nice-looking plate, I take it upstairs to my mom's room, like I promised I would. I knock gently on the door and wait for her to tell me to come in before opening it. I balance the dishes and glass of iced tea that I made as a last-minute whim on a tray that we never use and walk inside as the dishes sit precariously on the haphazardly-stacked tray. "Hey, Mom," I say. "Here's the food."

As I hand it to her and stare at her happy-proud face, I feel a strange sense of accomplishment at being able to hand my mother a home-cooked meal that I made myself. This feeling is rare and I feel different than I normally do, something unique. Proud.

She smiles at me and takes the food from me and takes a bite. Her face contorts into some strange expression of satisfaction and she grins with her mouth full, "I love it, honey, thank you so much." She eats more of the food and waves me off and I leave her alone to it, smiling to myself. I go back downstairs and throw the dishes into the dishwasher, save the pots, which I scrub before leaving in the sink. Then I go back upstairs and grab my phone.

One new text.

And it's from Sam.

I roll on my back on the bed and open the message, almost dreading what it's going to say.

Hey

Well, that's a good start. Is he trying to talk to me again? I feel impossibly guilty about everything that I've put him through, what with the failed date and the mixed signals and everything in between.

So I decide to mimic his words. Hey

Almost immediately, the three grey dots pop back up and I can feel my heart beat a little faster in anticipation.

Hey, you responded.

I don't know why I wouldn't.

Um, because you haven't lately?

Excuse you. You haven't talked to me in a long time.

*rolls eyes*

There's an awkward pause.

It's awkward all over again

I'm sorry. I never wanted it to be like this.

Me neither

Look. I just want us to be friends again.

Can we do that?

I read the message and process the words but don't respond for a full minute. Before I can type anything, I get an incoming call, and I pick it up. "Hey," I hear his deep voice say.

"Hi," I say.

"So. Did you read my last text?" He sounds hopeful.

"Yes. And the answer is... I don't know. I don't know if friends is a good idea," I say, though I want to take everything back immediately after the words are out.

He takes a deep breath. "Is it true?" he asks suddenly.

"Is what true?"
"Are you and Greyson Carter dating?" His voice is pained and he sounds as if the answer will determine his life or death.

I'm stuck. I never asked Greyson if we were allowed to tell anybody about what was truly going on.

But I can't hurt Sam with a lie. If it was the truth, that would be horrible enough, but hurting somebody with a falsehood is worse. Because it didn't have to happen.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. "Can we talk about something else? I don't want to hurt you."

I hear his harsh intake of breath as he says, "Stop saying that, Lisa! You're not going to hurt me. I'm not some weak child who cries about everything. But it's okay if you don't want this. It's okay if you're with...him." I stiffen.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Is he trying to say that he doesn't care about me anymore?

Who am I kidding? If that's true, I should be rejoicing. There are less chances for him to get hurt. I hear him try to say something before stopping and starting again. "I'm just saying... I don't own you. Nobody does. It's your life. If I don't want you to do something, well, I guess it's just too bad for me. Right?" His words are even, clipped, and they hurt more than angry words would.

"You're right. You don't own me. But Greyson doesn't either. And I don't want to hurt you. That's the last thing I want to happen. Before we started anything, I told you I didn't want that. And that's all I've managed to do so far." I close my eyes, wanting this to be over.

His voice is gentle. "Lisa, you're not going to hurt me. But you're right. You did tell me. Back when we first started... talking more. Doesn't it mean anything that I still wanted you

even after you told me? Doesn't that mean anything to you? Anything at all?" His voice drops. "Even through it all, I wanted you." He stops.

I don't want him to say anything else. I know he wants to say more, but I interrupt him.

"Sam, I know you don't want to believe it or you don't want to see it but I'm a horrible person. You don't know that yet or you do and you just don't want to believe it. But there are things about me that you couldn't even fathom, things about me that would make you pity me or treat me in a different way. You would be disgusted with me. I'm weak, I'm broken. I'm not a whole person. I hurt everybody eventually, Sam. And I don't want that to be you."

His voice is flat as he speaks. "Then why are you dating Greyson? What makes him so different that he's immune to your... so-called horrible part of you that you claim to have?" So he doesn't believe it. I don't know what else to say.

I shrug before realizing that he can't see me through the phone. "I... I don't really know. Okay? It's just, Greyson, he knows that part of me a little better than you do. And I'm not saying that's a good thing or a bad thing. I've known Greyson for longer. Even if we only really met recently in real life, I've had more conversations with him about everything in my life than I have ever had with anybody else, even my best friend. And I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense to you but it's true. And that's how it's going to be." I want to tell him that our relationship isn't real, that Greyson and I aren't together.

But I hear Sam sigh on the other end of the phone. "Lisa, what I don't understand is why you can't open up to other people. I'm here for you, too. Always. You know that. I want you to be able to trust me. And not have to worry about me when you should be worrying about yourself. If you could do it with Greyson, why can't you do it for me?"

I don't know how to explain it to him. "Sam, things with Greyson are just... easier." There are no real feelings involved. "I don't know how to explain it really."

He sighs. "Okay, I can live with that. I'll stop asking from now on." I breathe out a sigh of relief. "On one condition," he adds.

I don't know what to say. "What?"

"That we're friends again." He stops my protests. "That's it, Lisa. Just friends. Nothing else, I swear." I sigh.

I let a moment of silence hang there as I think about what to say. "Sure," I say finally. "Friends."

I can almost hear his grin on the other end of the phone. "Thank you, Lisa. You won't regret it, I promise."

I should tell him about Greyson. Instead, I only say, "I hope so, Sam. I really hope so."

******

School has gotten easier, what with the rumors about my relationship with Greyson dying down after somebody else supposedly has a new college girlfriend. Somehow, I don't see why the rumors affected me so much anymore. I suppose since so many things have been going right lately, I've started to look at certain things in a different way, which is strange and enlightening. I catch a ride with my mom before she leaves for work and I get to school earlier than usual. As I'm walking down the halls, Ali falls in step next to me.

"I haven't seen you in forever, girl!" she starts. "Like, oh my God, how long has it been?"

I try to think back to the last time Ali and I hung out or even had a real conversation. Finally, I give up and shrug. "Too long."

"We totally need to hang out! It's weird to say that we need to catch up but we need to catch up! I'm totally getting you to spill all the details on what it's like to be with Greyson Carter." Right. Ali doesn't know about the fake-relationship and I can't tell her. Not until I confirm it with Greyson that it's okay.

"Yup. How about tonight? Though I'm not 'spilling' anything." I roll my eyes at her fake pouting.

She squints her eyes as she thinks before finally nodding. "Nope, everything sounds good to me! I have to babysit tonight but we can do that together like old times." Her little sister, Brooke, who's not so little at all and is instead a moody fourteen-year-old adolescent, has been a part of our history, what with us babysitting her since she was nine and forming a love-hate relationship.

As we're walking to our next class, Ali is filling me in about Brooke's new boyfriend who's apparently a total asshat—her words, not mine—and Greyson falls in line with us, nudging my shoulder.

"Hey, girlfriend," he grins.

I roll my eyes at Greyson's term of 'endearment' and shove him back. "Don't call me that!" He laughs and slings an arm around my shoulders.

"Why not? It's what you are, aren't you?" He winks in a suggestive manner and I roll my eyes again but don't say anything in the end. I can't seem to think of a proper response.

"So I was thinking of taking you out tonight," Greyson starts. Ali stops and pivots, narrowing her eyes at my fake-boyfriend.

"Oh, no, no, no. That can't happen. Greyson, Lisa belongs to me tonight! She's busy." She smiles sweetly and continues walking. I shrug at Greyson who stares at Ali to see if she's serious before nodding to himself and continuing to walk.

"Okaaaaay. Well, how about tomorrow night?" he asks. "Do you have any objections to that, Ms. Aliyah?"

She pretends to consult her calendar. "Hmm, I guess not," she shrugs. "Though I totally could ask her over again—"

"Oh no you don't!" Greyson grins, covering her mouth with his hand. "This girl is all mine tomorrow night and you can't do anything about it."

I clear my throat. "Don't I get any say in this?" Greyson grins and shakes his head.

"Nope, this is all on me. Neither of you are allowed to argue or ask questions. You," he points to me, "just have to show up!" I laugh at his expression and then nod.

"Okay. I'll come. Just text me before you get to my house so I have time to get ready." He nods. "By the way, where are we going? You know, so I can be properly dressed."

He laughs and then winks. "I'm not telling."

"Greyson, come on, I need to know what I should wear tomorrow!" I try to wheedle it out of him but he holds his hands up in defense.

"It doesn't matter what you wear, Lisa. You'll look fine in anything. Just be ready tomorrow around five, though I'll text before I get there like you asked." I nod and the bell rings, signaling that we have about three minutes left to get to class. I say goodbye to Grey and Ali and dash off to fifth period, already hoping that the day will go by faster than it has so far. Sadly, my wishes are not granted and the hours seem to drag by.

Finally, school is over and the bell rings, effectively cutting off my teacher in the middle of his lecture. I jump up and jam my stuff into my backpack before speed-walking to the door. Anything to be out of here.

As I merge into the hallway where everybody else is whooping and texting and walking, I stare down at the floor. I don't see anybody I know and I'm not in the mood to be talking to anybody right now. It's Friday and I'm so close to freedom.

As I step out into the sunlight, I squint my eyes and look up, trying to remember where I parked my car. Then I remember that I rode with my mom today and I don't have a ride. I look around, trying to find Ali or Grey but I can't seem to find them. Suddenly, I feel a heated presence behind me and I spin around, trying to locate it. Or him.

"Sam?" I ask. He smiles faintly. "What are you doing here?"

He ignores the question. "You look like you need a ride. Want a ride?" he asks. I look around one last time and shrug.

"Sure, why not? Friends, right?" An unclear emotion passes over his face before he turns away sharply.

"Come on, Lee, my car's over here."

Lee. He called me by my nickname and that shouldn't hurt so much. But it does.

I follow Sam towards his Audi, the one where we had our first date, the one where we first kissed.

Kissed.

My hands go up to my own lips involuntarily for a moment, much to my chagrin, before I shake my head and keep walking. Sam hasn't said anything to me yet and I can't seem to think of anything to say to break the uncomfortable silence that never used to be there before everything that happened between us.

Sam doesn't turn around and I speed up my pace to try to get to where he is. Before I reach him, though, I feel a hand touch my shoulder. I start and turn quickly. "Grey!" I say, my mouth spreading into a smile, almost against my will.

"Hey! I was looking for you. Did you need a ride?" he asks. Then his eyes suddenly narrow as he notices Sam, who has just turned around. "Oh, I see. Never mind, then."

Sam walks towards us. "Hey, Greyson," he nods. Greyson smiles tightly and I roll my eyes at them.

"Guys, can we all just be friends?" I ask. Beg, really. "Please?" Sam just looks away as Greyson studies my face.

"Look, Sam, I can take Lisa home, okay? Save you a trip." He puts an arm around my shoulders almost possessively, which I find rather unusual in Greyson. But I suppose he's just paranoid when around Sam. Sam looks at his arm and then at my face.

"I'm already here," he says stiffly. "I can take her home. I wanted to talk to her anyway."

Greyson narrows his eyes. "Am I just supposed to let you take my girl home?" I don't understand what's going on. Greyson is being overly possessive, considering that we're not even dating.

Sam scoffs. "It's not like I'm going to touch her or anything. I just want to talk to her. Are you gonna be one of those guys who doesn't let their girlfriends talk to other guys?" He turns to me. "Who do you want to go with?" he asks.

I'm struck dumb unexpectedly. I should go home with Greyson to keep up our relationship, fake or not. Sam needs to believe it. He has to believe it. Otherwise, feelings and emotions and everything in between are going to get in the way and I can't hurt him again.

On the other hand, not going with him might hurt him too, judging from the way he's looking at me. And he does look like he wants to talk to me.

"I... I—"

"Just go with him," Sam says coldly, looking away, though his shoulders slump in obvious hurt. "It's fine. He's your boyfriend, right?" He starts walking away. I shoot Greyson an apologetic look before running after him. Greyson surprisingly lets me go. I make a mental note to text him later.

"Sam!" I call out. "Wait! I'll come with you." He turns around, surprised, before nodding smiling a little and beckoning over to his car. I clamber in and buckle my seatbelt. The last thing I see before driving away is Greyson's lumbering figure walking away. I feel a pang in my heart but I let it go and turn to Sam.

"So what did you want to talk about?" I ask with as much brightness as I can muster. He ignores me, though, and instead asks me a different question.

"Do you want coffee?" he asks. "Or a late lunch?"

I'm surprised. I thought this was just going to be a pick-up and drop-off, but it seems that I'm wrong. "Sure," I say. "I'm fine with whatever. But you really don't have to."

He rolls his eyes. "I want to. Of course I want to." The words are laced with an emotion that I can't identify.

He pulls into a little cafe by a playground with a sprawling grassy field. "I was thinking that we could order out and have a little picnic on the grass. I have blankets and it could be nice." My heart beats wildly. This feels like more than just a friendly hangout. But Sam looks so happy, happier than I've seen him in a long time, and there's also a glimmer of hope. I shouldn't fuel that hope but I can't help it.

"That sounds amazing," I say, smiling. The real Sam-smile comes out then and it's as if he's lifted a load off of my shoulders.

He shouldn't have this power over me.

He grins and gets out of the car, crossing around and opening the door for me like a real gentleman. I feel a pang in my heart. If only this boy wasn't so perfect...

We walk into the cafe and I feel a hit of cold air hit my face. I follow Sam to the counter, craning my head to see the cute menu with swirly lines and an overall adorable cafe-aesthetic. Sam steps up to the register. "Hey, can I get two ham sandwiches?" He turns to me. "Or do you want something else?" I shrug and shake my head.

"Ham sandwich sounds great!" I cringe. I sound so overly enthusiastic.

"Yeah, two ham sandwiches, two iced tea lemonades, and some of those little butterfly pastry things." He grins. "What are they called again, Lee?"

"Um, I don't know. Shouldn't you know? Aren't you the one who works at Starbucks?"

He rolls his eyes. "If Starbucks sold things like that, I'd be fired for eating too much of the profits." I laugh out loud. Sam takes out his wallet and hands the girl a credit card, silencing any protests that I have by fixing me with a piercing stare.

After a couple of minutes, the food is ready and placed in a cute little cake box that Sam asked for at the last second. He takes the box and we head out together to the little park. We find a sunny spot on the grass and he spreads out a really cute green and pink striped blanket that he claims belongs to his sister, though he winks at me. We chatter meaninglessly for a while and eat our food. I finish faster than I wanted and I watch as Sam finishes up soon after, my heart twanging. He's just so sweet and I find myself wanting to spend more time with him. He even takes my trash and throws it away before I can even stand up.

He comes back and sits down next to me. So I guess we're not leaving them. A part of me feels relieved. "Today has been such a good day and I don't want it to end," I say.

"Then let's keep it going," he says suddenly. He looks away for a second. "Look I want to talk to you about something. And I don't want it to ruin this happy feeling that you have because you don't know how amazing it makes me feel to see you smiling. Even if it's not about me or if it has nothing to do with me, it just makes me feel so happy to know that you're happy." I smile and he grins back.

Then I realize that he still wants to talk to me.

"What did you want to say?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Are you really dating Greyson?" he asks suddenly.

I roll my eyes before looking away. "You already asked me that," I say, training my eyes on a group of kids trying to climb up the curvy slide, picking at a corner of the blanket. I don't want to answer this.

"But you never really answered," he says. He takes my chin and turns it back towards him so that now I'm forced to look at him.

"I— it's complicated, okay? Does it really matter?"

"You said that last time, Lee. And yes, of course it matters."

"Why?" I ask. "It really isn't any of your business." I don't sound mad, at least not to myself, but Sam still stiffens visibly.

"Lisa, it matters. It has and it always will matter. Because—"

I stop him, though my heart is pounding with curiosity and anticipation. The only thing I can think about is how he called me Lisa again. I shake my head. I need to stop this now before it goes too far again. "I'm sorry, Sam. I can't do this right now."

He looks away. "Then when, Lisa? When are you going to stop fighting what's between us? I get that you have Grey and I would never try to force you into anything that you don't want but you have to know that it's there. That spark or attraction or whatever it is. How can you not feel it?" He curses. "I didn't want to do this now but I'm sorry, I can't help it." He puts his head in his hands. "I thought I could do this," he says, though the words are muffled.

I feel like crying. I do feel it. But I can't do anything about it.

"I'm so sorry, Sam. I get that you think that there's something here." I need to make it stop. "But I'm with Greyson and I... love him." I want to take it back more than anything in the whole world. I want a redo moment, to tell him the truth, to avoid the immediate reaction he has.

The words are the most untrue, vicious things I have ever said. I can see how cruelly it hits Sam as his face screws up and his eyes cloud with unbelievable hurt. "Okay," he says quietly. "I'm sorry."

I feel a surge of anger that I don't understand but choose to act on. "Why do you always have to ruin everything?" I shout suddenly. I don't know what I'm saying and now I'm crying. "Why can't you just settle with us being friends? What you feel for me is not real, okay? It's just an illusion. You're going to meet somebody else, somebody amazing, somebody perfectly suited for you but that person isn't me. I'm not what you think, Sam." I look away and finish quietly, the fight gone out of my voice. "I'm a horrible person," I whisper.

Sam looks as if he is close to tears, which hurts more than anything. "Lisa, I don't care what you think. I know you're not a bad person. You might have had some bad things happen to you in your life but it's not something that defines you. It shouldn't be something that defines you." I shake my head viciously at him. He takes my hands in his and I can't find the strength to pull away. "But I can't settle for us just being friends. I can't do that." He pauses before closing his eyes and opening them again. "So I guess this is goodbye. I'm so sorry. I thought I could do it. I thought I could. But it hurts too much." He finishes quietly, his voice cracking, "I can't do it anymore."

He stands abruptly and walks away. He doesn't look angry at me, just sad. Then he stops. My breath catches. Is he coming back?

No, I don't want him to come back.

He turns. "You still need a ride home," he says.

Great.

I stand and grab the blanket, folding it as I follow him to the car, just so that I have something to do. I'm tempted to get into the backseat but that would be even more awkward, so I climb in next to him. I stare out the window as I watch the trees and people and buildings fly past, everyone happy and smiling and not feeling the strange sense of disappearance that I'm feeling now. Sam wordlessly drops me off, making sure to stay in the driveway until he sees that I'm safely inside, ever the perfect boy that he is and always will be.

That single action sets me off. I start sobbing as I close the door behind me, and can't even make my way up to my room before collapsing on the floor at the foot of the stairs and crying more than I ever have before. It shouldn't hurt this much.

"I'm so sorry," I shout through the tears, wishing that he could hear me and understand. I feel arms around me: my mom, Landen, Peter. They slowly lead me up to my room, me muttering 'sorry' over and over again as I cry. I'm so weak. I'm so cruel.

Distantly, I hear the phone dialing, hear my mother's hushed voice, hear the doorbell ringing, and then Greyson is up in my room, and I'm in his arms, and I'm still crying though now the world has blurred around me and it feels like I'm losing myself all over again inside of the darkness.

"Shh," he whispers gently into my hair. "You're going to be okay," he says over and over.

I keep picturing Sam saying goodbye again and again and the way that his voice broke when he told me he couldn't do it with me anymore. I had hurt him even when I tried not to.

Finally, my eyes close and I slowly drift off to sleep, my heart still aching. I feel Greyson's arms tighten around me and I feel so thankful that he is here. So incredibly grateful.

ugh that chapter hurt to write

malaynaturally xx