chapter eighteen

Ignoring calls from Sam has never been so difficult. Every time I see his face pop up on my phone's screen, I want nothing more than to answer it and hear his voice again.

I don't know how it became a cycle between us so quickly. Break-up, make-up. I don't want to do it anymore. It hurts too much.

I spent the next couple of weeks struggling to finish homework. I'm no longer on academic probation, thankfully, and I would like to keep it that way. It gives me something to focus on, a mundane, simple task, allowing me to avoid thinking about Sam. Ali starts to come over more often just to talk and hang out, like we used to. On a whim, we plan our first sleepover in years. I'm excited; we used to have so much fun when we were younger, talking about anything and everything and watching cheesy rom-coms, laughing and crying along with the characters and forgetting about our own lives for a couple of hours.

When Saturday finally rolls around, I pack everything in a small duffel bag that I think I'm going to need, though I know if I forget something, I can just borrow it from Ali. I even have a drawer over there of the stuff I've left behind that I've never bothered to get back.

Driving quickly, just below the speed limit, I arrive at Ali's house in record time. I knock on the door and am let in by her mother. "Hey, Lisa," she smiles widely. "How are you? Gosh, you've grown! We've missed you around here." While I don't think I've grown very much since I've last been here, it's still nice to hear.
I smile back at her. "I'm fine. How are you, Rachel?" I've never called Ali's mother by anything other than her first name, an age-old tradition that's never been changed.

She smiles at me. "I'm great, honey. Head on up, Ali's upstairs."

I nod at her and walk upstairs, lugging my bag with me. Opening Ali's painted bedroom door, I find my best friend sprawled on her queen-sized bed, watching Netflix. She turns around as soon as she hears the door open and her face lights up at the sight of me.

"Hey, Lee!" She sits up and closes her laptop, placing it on her desk by her bed. "Okay, so I have everything ready to have the best sleepover ever! Mom is making us dinner and then she and Dad are going on a date tonight, so we should be alone for at least a couple of hours tonight before they get back." I smile at her, though my heart twangs at the idea of having parents who still love each other enough to go on dates.

I wonder if my parents would still be so hopelessly in love with each other if Dad were still alive.

I shake my head, not wanting to think about that right now. Now is not the time. Now is the time to have fun with my best friend.

"So. What do you want to do first?" Ali asks, pulling her legs up to her chest and resting her chin on her knees as she stares at me questioningly. I shrug. Her face dims and she pats the bed next to her. "Lee. Let's just have fun tonight. Let's be ten again, without a care or worry in the world, save for the new boy we were crushing on."

I smile at her. "Okay," I say, sitting down next to her. "Let's talk."

She props herself up on the palm of her hand and turns towards me. "Are you okay?" she asks, staring at my face.

I look at her. "Yeah, I'm fine."

She rolls her eyes. "Don't lie to me, Lisa. You're my best friend and I know when you're not fine. I don't think we should be watching these movies anymore. They're just making you depressed which is making me depressed and neither of us need to be depressed. Look, I know that Sam did something wrong but I mean, if you saw something in him the first time, doesn't that mean that he was a nice guy? Maybe there's a whole explanation for this that you just never saw coming. You know? And it's not like he was kissing her, right?"

I shake my head and grab a pillow, hugging it to my chest. "It's not even that anymore. It's just that he didn't care about me anymore enough to come find me."

Ali looks confused. "Didn't you guys have an argument right before that?"

I sigh. "Yes, but it wasn't a real argument. He knows and I know that it didn't really mean anything."

Ali smacks her forehead and then smacks me lightly on the shoulder, shaking her head. "Are you stupid? You idiot! How was he supposed to know that? I bet you he thought you didn't want him anymore and he was probably scared of losing you but he was trying to give you some space to cool down and think about things because he definitely wanted you with him. And I bet the only reason that he didn't push that girl away is because he was confused and vulnerable and I bet you he was drunk or at least out of his mind."

I stare at my best friend incredulously. "When did you become such a relationship expert?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. I guess it's because of everything that Ash and I have been through over the years. But you should really think about this. He's important to you. I can tell."

I wanted to avoid this subject, but considering that it's a girls' sleepover, I know that hoping for no talk about boys was pointless. I shrug, picking at a stray thread on the blanket. "I don't know what to do. He's been calling me but I haven't picked up."

Ali looks at me, confused. "But don't you want to know what he has to say?"

I don't know how to respond, so I shrug. "Yeah. I do. But I don't want to start all over again. I already know that he's just going to come up with some excuse again. And then I'll listen to everything he has to say. And then suddenly, I'll be back with him, as if nothing ever happened. And I don't want that. I can't do that to myself or to him. We're not right for each other. Our short-lived relationship showed that to both of us, whether he wants to believe it or not."

Ali sighs. "Well. It's your choice. But if I were you, I would at least listen to what he has to say. Maybe he really does have a good explanation for what happened."

"For cheating on me?" I ask incredulously. What explanation could he possibly have?

She places a hand on my back in comfort. "But did he really cheat? You said it yourself, he wasn't reacting to that girl. It's not like they were kissing or anything. She was just flirting with him and you said he wasn't doing anything with her."

I groan loudly. "Whose side are you on?" I ask, narrowing my eyes at my best friend.

She throws her hands up in innocence. "Yours! Always. But I'm just saying, maybe he isn't so bad. Maybe there's all an explanation for this." She sighs again. "I just want you to be happy. And he made you happy."

I want to cry already and we're only a few minutes into this sleepover. "Look. I just can't deal with being cheated on. Not again." I close my eyes, trying to stop the tears and block out the bad memories.

Ali's face contorts in realization and guilt as she suddenly remembers what I'm referring to. "Oh my God, Lee. I didn't even think about Noel. I forgot all about him." She sighs. "But you know, I don't really think Sam is anything like Noel. Sam seems different. I don't think he would ever cheat on you. Not truly."

I take a deep breath, laying flat on my back on the bed, wanting to be done with this conversation. "Can we talk about something else?" I ask, staring at her ceiling fan.

She groans loudly. "Well, we can talk about my relationship, if you want." Her face is devoid of happiness as she mentions her boyfriend and I stare at her in confusion.

"What's wrong with you and Ashton?" I ask slowly. Have I really been so blind to not notice that there was something wrong with my best friend's relationship? I'm so selfish. So cruel.

She shrugs, twisting the hem of her shirt between her fingers. "Nothing really. We were just talking the other day. About college. And our future."

I don't know how to react. "What did he say?" I ask.

"He has a scholarship offer from Notre Dame University for football."

I gasp, reaching out for Ali. "That's all the way in Indiana!"

She nods grimly. "Ten hours and twenty-nine minutes away. I researched."

I want to cry for her. "What are you guys going to do?"

"He said he won't go if I don't want him to." She hugs her knees to her chest again and closes her eyes before opening them again and looking at me in earnest. "But I can't do that to him. Notre Dame is an amazing school. Especially for football. I can't be the person who holds him back from his dreams."

I reach over to hug her. "It's okay. It'll be okay." I don't know how to comfort other people. I feel awkward as I embrace her, wanting nothing more than for her to smile again.

"He says that if he goes, he doesn't want to do long-distance." Ali starts crying, a few tears slipping out from her eyes.

I knew one of us was bound to cry tonight. I just didn't think it would be her.

"He says it would be too hard and if he goes, he wants to focus on himself and his career." She cries harder. "I knew it was stupid to date a senior. An older boy. I knew this was going to happen."

I clench her tighter. "It's okay, Ali. It's not your fault."

Her voice cracks. "I just thought... I thought he would wait for me." She takes in a deep breath. "He thinks that if we did long-distance, he would be holding me back from my own life. From finishing high school."

"That's stupid," I say. "Doesn't he realize that by letting you go, he's only going to hurt you more?"

"I tried to tell him, but he said he wants me to be able to be happy and date other people. As if I could ever date somebody else after him." She keeps crying.

I sit up straight and think quickly. "We should call him," I say. "Or you should. Tell him how you feel. Make sure he knows that he's making a mistake." I shrug. "Who knows? Maybe it'll get him to change his mind."

She sits back and nods slowly at my words, wiping her tears away with her sleeve and taking a couple of deep breaths. "I will."

I smile at her just a bit, glad that she's found what seems to be at least a temporary solution. "I hope it goes well. If it doesn't, then he's stupid. You don't need him anyway."

She grins, her face puffy and red from her meltdown. "Well, you should call Sam and tell him how you feel," she says. I immediately start shaking my head at her idea. "You should! What else do you have to lose?"

I sigh. "Everything. I've already lost him. I don't want to lose what little pride I have left."

She guffaws, laughing through her residual tears. "Do you even hear yourself?" she asks. "Who cares about pride when we're talking about love?"

Love.

Do I love Sam?

I think about it for a minute. He makes me happier than anybody can, he understands me in a way nobody else ever has, and he's sweet and perfect. It's just... the issue of trust. With love comes trust, and I don't know if I can trust him.

But everything about him makes me feel more alive than I ever have before.

And I know that only one thing can make you feel that way.

"I think I love Sam."

The words are out and instead of feeling regret and skepticism as I thought I would, I instead feel happy. Freed. The sudden proclamation is enough to make me feel stronger than I ever have before. Ali gasps at my words and looks up at me.

"Lisa! That's great! Now you have to tell him. I promise he has a reason for what he did. He just has to. And if this is love..."

I shrug. "I don't know. I'll figure it out." I take a deep breath and force myself to smile. "So, how about we watch a movie or something?"

Ali nods eagerly, wanting to avoid this topic as much as I do. "Yeah! Netflix just added some more movies, so we could watch one of those."

We settle in, queuing up several movies and forgetting about our respective boy drama as we get lost in the world of fun, cliche, hope-inducing romances. I'm surprised to learn that the shows range from happy to sad to flat-out strange. I'm not a romance person and I tend to stay towards dramas but it's refreshing to see people falling in love and feeling everything that I should be feeling with Sam.

I don't think about Sam.

I just lied.

Every boy's face on screen is him. Something about an actor will remind me about him. A goofy smile, the way that a certain actor's eyes wrinkle at the corners when he's laughing. A dimple or a mess of perfect hair. Every smile reminds me of Sam; it's so rare that I see him with any other facade. He masks his pain with smiles and when he's genuinely happy, he's still smiling.

After the second movie, my eyes are blurry and my head is dizzy. "Let's go eat something," I say before Ali can start the third movie. She nods and I follow her downstairs to her kitchen where her mom has just finished making us dinner.

"Sit down, girls," Rachel says. "I made lasagna, some vegetables, and for dessert, we have ice cream in the freezer." I grin and grab one of the bowls of vegetables, setting it down in the middle of the table before grabbing utensils.

"Thanks so much for this," I say, smiling widely. "It's really nice of you."

"Pshh. Anytime, honey. We miss you around the house sometimes. What's been going on with you?"

I shrug. "Nothing, really. I've been struggling to keep up in school lately."

She nods while setting down the lasagna and grabbing some napkins. "Yeah, high school is tough. I still remember my junior year. Worst year of high school, hands down."

Ali groans. "Can we not talk about school right now?"

"Well, just know that in a couple of years, you're gonna be missing these times. High school may seem like it's never going to end, but when it does, it feels like it all went by too fast." She smiles as she sits down at the table. "Don't do anything you'll regret."

I nod but don't say anything. As I eat slowly, I process what she was saying.

High school may seem like torture sometimes, what with all the tests and quizzes and homework, as well as struggling to find the proper balance between your academics and your social life. But as I look back on it now, I find that maybe Rachel's right. Maybe it is a place I'll miss in the future, when it's all done.

After dinner, Ali and I grab popsicles from the freezer before heading back up to her room. Ali sits down at her desk chair, spinning around as she eats her popsicle. "Maybe I will call Ashton," she says suddenly out of nowhere. I nod at her, happy that she's willing to do it. "It might not be the best idea but I don't want to miss out on something good like my mom was talking about."

I don't agree with her outwardly, but I mull it over in my head. Will I regret not calling Sam and hearing his side of the story? Will I look back on this time and wish I had done something to heal my broken relationship with a boy I like, maybe even love?

"I think I'll call Sam, too," I say. Ali squeals.

"Yay! I'm so happy for you, Lisa. And even if it doesn't end well, at least you know that you tried."

I nod at her, eating slowly as I think. "Do you think I should call him right now?"

Ali looks surprised before nodding. "Yeah, I'll call Ashton too."
I grab my phone and throw away my popsicle stick. I see that I have multiple texts, all from Sam. Instead of ignoring them like I have been lately, I open them up, reading all of them in order.

Look. I know you don't trust me anymore. And that's okay. I wouldn't blame you. But Lisa, I need you to know my side of the story. If you would please just call or text me back, I could explain.

I know you don't want to talk to me but please give me a chance at least to explain.

You don't understand, Lisa. Please call me.

Answer the phone, Lisa. I need to talk to you. It's killing me not to hear your voice. I made a mistake but there's an explanation, I promise you.

Lisa. I like you. I like you a lot.

...

I think I might love you.

I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear right now. But it's true. And you deserve to know. Even if you never read these texts, at least I tried to tell you.

Lisa. Did I scare you away? Did you even read any of these messages? I feel so stupid for moving so fast, for scaring you. I don't mean any harm, Lisa. I just want to be honest with you.

Meet me tomorrow at Starbucks?

The messages end there. Each word hurts my heart. I can see the genuine honesty behind all of the words he said. All of them are sent minutes apart. Instead of calling him like I planned, I text him back, simply saying, Yes.

I can't say anything more. Even if I could, I wouldn't know what to say or how to say it over the phone. I need to see him face to face and listen tot what he has to say. If it ends up not being good, at least I'll have gotten the closure that I need. The closure that we both deserve.

Ali comes back into her room from where she was talking privately with Ashton in the bathroom. Her face is happy and her eyes look hopeful. "What happened?" I ask immediately.

She shrugs. "He says he's willing to take a chance with me. With us. With our relationship. I told him how I felt about what he said and he apologized. Even if it doesn't work out, at least I'll know that we tried. That we didn't just give all this up for nothing."

I smile widely. "That's great!"

"What about you?" she asks, motioning to my phone that's still in my hands.

I shrug. "We'll see tomorrow. I want to talk with him face to face."

She smiles. "It'll all go well. You'll see." She flings herself onto the bed and groans. "Why are boys so difficult sometimes?"

I shrug. "I guess that's just how they are."

Ali giggles. "We're pretty difficult too, so."

I nod. "True. All people are just confusing."

She grins. "People are overrated."

We spend the rest of the night watching movies and talking about pointless things. We don't fall asleep until it's mid-morning, and we wake up in the middle of the afternoon the next day.

I groan as I open my eyes, grabbing my phone to check the time. "Ali," I say, poking her. She groans in her sleep and opens her eyes slowly, looking at me.

"What? What time is it?" she asks, her voice sleep-ridden.

"It's already two," I say. "Wow."

"What?" she asks, sitting up. "You need to go!" she says.

I'm hurt. Usually, she doesn't mind me staying for a bit longer than what we originally planned. "What?"

"You need to go talk to Sam!" she yelps, pushing me out of my sleeping bag. "Go put on your nicest clothes and get your man back!"
I laugh. "What are you talking about?" Then I remember. "Shit. I need to go," I say. I stand up quickly and raid Ali's closet. "Is it okay if I borrow some of yours clothes?"

She waves me off. "Duh, I don't care."
I thank her and put together white skinny jeans, a black belt, and a black cropped sweater with a few gold necklaces. I grab my phone, roll up my sleeping bag, and ask Ali if she can drive me to the Starbucks, to which she eagerly agrees to. Sam and I never set a time so I'm hoping I'm not too late. This has to happen today if there's any hope of us reviving this relationship. We arrive quickly and Ali smiles widely.

"You can go it, Lee. Good luck!"

I grin at her and get out of the car, trying to keep up the confident facade as I open the door to the cafe. It's crowded, and I look around but can't find him anywhere. He's not behind the register or behind the bar, and I'm worried. Did he leave already?

My heart sinks as I realize what just happened. He gave up on me. I was too late.