Brendon isn't sure how he should feel when realizing he called in sick for work.

He wasn't sick. The only part of him catching a cold was his mind. Everything was so toxic. He couldn't go back to work the day after having a panic attack that bad. He hasn't had one so severe in months, and he's trying to remind himself that lying to his boss was for his own self-care, no matter how guilty and pathetic it made him feel.

So, he lays in bed.

He had woken up nearly an hour ago but hasn't moved.

His mind is running. He has so many things to think about but not enough brain capacity to do so.

Brendon tries to focus on the good, although there wasn't much to dwell about.

On the bright side of things, Debby wouldn't pester him anymore-- if she really was that upset with him. Although he is extremely faithful people are forgiving, he already knew Debby was not the same.

She was petty, everyone in the workplace knew this. Debby is perfection, and the only way she got to that point is by forcing things into place. If Brendon upset her, she was going to make sure he knew how plaintive he really was. She's no longer going to give him company during his lunch, and she wasn't going to be persistently 'caring', or whatever you wanted to call it.

But Brendon didn't need her, he never did.

The only reason he even stood around her was because he's too much of a coward to speak up.

He's too afraid to tell her he wasn't comfortable when she pushed him, he was too afraid to tell her their relationship wasn't very healthy.

You can only listen to someone talk about their success so many times before it starts eating you away.

Maybe that's why Brendon likes talking to Carina, or even Josh. They ask about his day, they care whether he was doing well or not.

Debby only cares for herself.

Brendon can't help the way his lips twitch when he thinks about Josh.

He sang to him until his order was ready, and carefully told Brendon he had to go, but call him any time he needed. That's what made Brendon's heart flutter; knowing he wasn't uncomfortable with the fact that their first time ever really speaking to each other was when Brendon was having a horrible panic attack.

Generally speaking, that would scare someone off, but Josh only felt more drawn in.

Brendon couldn't be more thankful for him right now. The only thing he can think about is how lucky he was to be able to have Josh to help him through his time of despair, because without him, that situation would have been so much worse.

He finally feels capable of getting out of bed.

He feels like a feather.

Brendon groans when sitting up, back aching, neck pleading, he stretches.

It's so dark in his room, he can't even tell what time it really is. There's no window, no singing birds, and no whistling trees.

He checks his phone, it's 10:09. He's been laying in bed a lot longer than he thought, but that was alright.

Standing up, his hips are weak. He's just weak right now, gently walking out of his bedroom and into the rest of the apartment where the sun was actually shining through. The lighting does good to the mess of it, it doesn't look that bad but by the time it's evening, it's evident how destroyed his home is.

It matches with his emotional state.

Brendon isn't hungry, maybe just parched.

He checks his messages while grabbing water from the packet of bottles he had gotten a few weeks back.

Goodmorning.

How are you feeling?

Debby would never ask something so sincere, maybe that's why this isn't such a bad thing.

I'm feeling better. A lot, actually.

Thank you for calling me yesterday. I'm sorry that it was so sudden, I just really needed to talk to someone.

Brendon falls onto the couch, a heavy sigh laced with relief. He really needed to relax today, his body was so unbelievably drained from letting it all out like that. His sobs made every inch sore, from his legs to his shoulders.

He still can't hear the birds singing, so he closes his eyes and imagines it.

He's clad in a black hoodie and even darker sweatpants. The warmth was comforting, the sun made the gloomy colors bloom.

I'm so glad.

And of course. I'm always here if you need me, so is Tyler.

Brendon purses his lips. Still, he hasn't had a decent conversation with them.

Brendon is intimidated by Tyler, it's no secret.

He knows he shouldn't, but he can't help it. Maybe he wasn't intimated by them themselves, but everything they had to offer. Although that may sound inconsiderate or downright awful, Brendon was weary of new things that parlous. Any slip ups around them and that could affect Tyler tremendously.

He never would want that.

Someone who is married with Josh has to be just as considerate as him.

Brendon is probably over-analyzing everything. Tyler is Tyler, he had to accept that one way or another.

Yeah, thank you, that means a lot to me.

Of course.

Hey, Brendon, mind if I ask you something?

Brendon feels himself going hot.

What does that mean? What was he going to ask? Did he do something wrong? Was he going to ask how he feels about Tyler?

What is it?

Brendon bites his lip, scratching at his fingers.

He worries too much, he knows this. It probably isn't anything to be stressing about, his stomach is probably churning for no reason. He can't help it, though. He's not sure if he's ready to open up to Josh about how terrified he is to mess up around Tyler. That's his husband, wouldn't he take offense to that?

Brendon should keep it to himself.

Tyler and I have been talking about it, and we were wondering if you wanted to meet up soon?

Brendon is burning, now.

Oh, oh, oh. He wasn't expecting that at all. He hadn't even thought about meeting them in person, because just texting them was already overwhelming enough.

Was he ready to push himself even further?

Was he ready to prove to himself that he can truly put himself out there?

Brendon didn't know.

Texting has been hard enough for him, he didn't want to come off this way or that way, and it was hard to tell the tone of one another. Being face to face is a whole other story, there's always a chance of being browbeaten and one word can ruin everything. You can see every emotion by the glint in their eyes.

It's obscure.

He has to remind himself that this is the next step in their relationship, and he'll do it whether he's ready or not.

Okay, yeah.

When?

Brendon swallows saliva, heartbeat roaring.

Whenever you want. I'm usually free, and Tyler can make it work.

He's glad it's up to him, because he needs time to decide when he'll be ready enough to face everything he's been dreading.

I'm busy on the weekends, so maybe sometime during the week, if that's alright.

Brendon still hasn't mentioned anything about his mother, he's not sure when he can. There's not exactly ever a good time to tell someone you're interested in that your mother has a horrible case of dementia, and you're her babysitter every weekend.

The time will come, he just doesn't know when.

Week days are fine.

What day? You name it.

Not Saturday, and definitely not Sunday. On Sundays, he's a walking zombie, and smells like cinnamon spice. He's usually upset, nearly on the verge of tears. He couldn't meet Tyler and Josh like that.

That's embarrassing, piteous.

Mondays are a no, there's no thought about that.

He has to leave to his mother's on Fridays quite often, but maybe he could hold off this week. One day wouldn't change anything. He needs to do something for himself for once, anyways.

Friday?

I'll talk to Tyler, but I'm sure that would be perfect.

Awesome.

Is it awesome? Brendon hopes so.

He doesn't know the first thing about the meeting a love interest online, he wonders whether this is abrupt. He's only known Josh and Tyler for about two weeks, is it normal to be meeting them so soon? Especially when he barely knows a thing about Tyler.

Who's Brendon to say what's wrong and what's right, he trusts Josh and Tyler's judgment.

If they're ready to meet him, they're ready to meet him.

And Brendon should be ready too.

He takes another sip from his water bottle, it's almost gone by now.

They said Friday sounds great. So we're on.

Brendon gets chills from that infromation. It all was happening faster than he could blink, but he's not sure that's such a bad thing. He needed a push, a push from himself, not from the world, not from fake friends. He needed this, he needed to open himself up for the world to see, whether he's trembling in fear or wrestling with panic, and Josh and Tyler are the ones guiding him through it all, without even noticing.

Everything was falling into place.