It's nearly been a week since he downloaded Tinder, and Brendon hasn't felt this awake in years.

Although he's at the retirement home again today, he isn't looking so grim. He sits next to his mother, Cash Cab on the television but he's too caught up in texting Josh to pay attention to the show.

Since talking for six days, Josh had decided he would give Brendon his phone number. Having to go on the app every time he wanted to text him had become a struggle, and Brendon was happy with that decision.

He even had Tyler's number, too.

They haven't had an actual conversation yet, but he had it.

It was really nice having someone to talk to, someone you can converse lightly with and not have something blow up in your face.

Brendon supposed that's why he's having such a good time talking with Josh.

He's so scared of reactions, and since he has such a hard time getting his points across, people could always take what he said the wrong way. One of his biggest fears is upsetting people, and he's sure that's why he struggles to meet new people and just talking to people in general.

Meeting someone online has so much ease to it, there was nothing to gauge except words.

Brendon was doing well.

"I need to use the bathroom." Grace pipes up, the son is not pleased with that.

"Alright. . ."

He sets his phone down on the couch once standing, helping his mother up as well. They drag their feet to the bathroom, Grace pulling down her pants and carefully sitting on the toilet.

Brendon clears his throat, turning his back because seeing his mom like this is unsettling.

He knows he should be used to it by now, she's been like this for years, and yet he can't stand invading her privacy although she couldn't care less, she doesn't have it in her to care.

They paused Cash Cab, it's quiet and Brendon crosses his arms.

He can't help but think about why everything had to land on him; he has four other siblings and yet he somehow is the only one who can-- who is willing-- to go through the torment of helping their mother through her difficulties.

They can't bare to see her like this but Brendon has to witness it every weekend.

He hates everything.

His siblings are all grown. Kyla is pregnant and Mason, Matt, and Kara already have kids, who never get to see their uncle because of how selfish their parents are.

They're going to regret not visiting.

If something ever happens, they're going to despise themselves.

They're going to feel so much regret, and that's no one's fault except their own.

"Mom?" He asks, she's been in there for a while.

When he turns around again, he sees her spinning the toilet paper in circles, never grabbing the end of it.

"Mom," he sighs, walking over and getting a decent amount of toilet paper for her.

Grace grabs it, eyebrows nearly furrowed. She looks at it in her hand and then fiddles with it. Brendon doesn't understand what's happening, he watches her look at the toilet paper like she's never seen it before, and suddenly, Brendon's heart hurts.

"Y-you need to wipe. . ."

Grace nods.

Brendon's lips twitch into a smile, thank God.

But no, nothing is good. Grace still doesn't do anything, she only sits there with a blank look.

Brendon swallows. "Do you remember how to wipe?"

The mother shakes her head, her son wants to cry. He breathes heavily, nodding to himself. He can handle this, he can do this.

Brendon grabs the toilet paper from out of her hands and demonstrates with an ache in his chest, with an ache on his stomach, with an ache in his heart. Forgetting someone's name is one thing, forgetting something this important is another.

"Like that," he says, handing it back to his mother.

She seems to understand now, wiping herself and slowly getting up from the toilet after flushing.

Brendon doesn't understand how she forgets to wipe but not to flush.

He doesn't think about it too much, watching his mother wash her hands once she pulls her pants back up.

It still smells like cinnamon spice.

Soon enough, after Grace complaining about how her hands were wet, they were back on the floral sofa. Brendon has one knee pulled to his chest, back on his phone, while Grace was under blankets because she kept pestering about how cold she was.

Brendon continues texting Josh, apologizing for not answering.

***

Carina and Brendon sit together in the game room while their mothers play chess with one another.

"Anything new?" She asks, head tilting.

He shrugs his shoulders, quickly getting nervous at the question. There was most definitely something new but Brendon's not sure if hes ready to tell her. Yes, he's fully comfortable confessing that he's finally putting himself out there, but how would Carina act if he tells her who he's talking with?

"One of my co-workers convinced me to download Tinder." Brendon breathes.

"Really? That's good, I'm glad you're trying to meet people." She smiles widely, patting his thigh.

"I didn't want to at first but I'm really starting to enjoy it." He confesses, feeling okay talking to Carina about it.

He just won't go too far into details.

"I'm so glad." It's genuine, Carina always is. "Have you been talking to anyone?"

Brendon, as usual, bites the inside of his cheeks. It's such a bad habit and he wished for it to stop but he knows it won't any time soon. It's only going to stop if the nerves stop, and he's had them his whole life, are they ever going to end?

He doesn't think so.

"I've been talking to a few people, but mostly this guy named Josh." Brendon's not sure if he should mention Tyler.

He decides not to.

"What's he like?" Carina wonders, watching their moms.

Brendon gives an anxious smile, nodding. His heart is beating so loudly.

"He's a photographer, and he has a great sense of humor. Well, I think so at least." Brendon feels a little hot, and he knows it's because he isn't telling his only friend the complete story.

There was so much more to say.

Carina is visibly pleased. "How long have you two been talking?"

"Almost a week now." Brendon's proud.

She nods, then starts running her dainty fingers through his thick strands of hair. It's comforting, Brendon doesn't mind, he's leaning into it.

"He hasn't been suggestive, has he? I know how Tinder is, the majority of people on there are just looking for sex." The words are anything but malicious, she's only concerned for her friend. Carina knows already how hard it is for him to just talk and build a relationship, and if anyone was going to use his body, that would make Brendon lose all confidence and hope he ever had.

She can't let that happen, that would break her heart.

Brendon seems to tense at that, though.

He's never even considered that. What if Josh and Tyler were only using him for sex?

He's not accusing, he's just vulnerable, and he knows that.

No, Josh has never been suggestive from what he could tell, but maybe he was trying to be subtle about it. Maybe the reason he gave Brendon his number was so he could trust him more. Maybe this always was a trick for their own benefits.

Brendon frowns, this has happened before.

Carina seems to notice his mood change.

"Hey, I wasn't saying he was, I just don't want anyone to fuck with your feelings, Bren." She leans her head on his shoulder, fingers still in his hair.

Brendon then thinks about Tyler. They didn't seem like the type of person to play with feelings.

Them and Josh were married adults for Christ's sake, Brendon hopes no one was so immature and selfish in that kind of situation.

He tries not to worry too much about but he knows he will.

He overthinks everything.

"So far he hasn't said anything questionable, and I hope he doesn't." Brendon feels his phone vibrate, he knows it's Josh. They have been having the most lame conversation about their favorite coffee, because the two of them seemed to have that in common.

"I hope he doesn't either." Carina is so gentle to the touch.

Brendon wonders what Josh messaged him, he doesn't have the right set of mind to check it, though, especially not with Carina beside him.

What if he mentioned something about Tyler?

She would definitely have questions.

"I think having someone there for you could really do you some good." Carina continues, Brendon swears Debby said something just like that.

"Hopefully," Brendon says.

He can't even describe how much he needed someone. He wanted to come home from his mom's on the weekend and be held, he wanted to eat dinner and talk to one another about their day, and all he could ever ask for is to feel loved, and confident, and comfortable. He didn't want to feel so scared.

He hoped one day that would become a reality.