TRIGGER WARNINGS:

- Sexual scenes.
- Smut.

***

Later on Saturday evening once Brendon made it to Tyler and Josh's house, he and Josh took Jim on a walk while Tyler stayed home to make dinner. It's nice. Something he thinks both of them needed. They head over to the park with Jim's tail wagging and Brendon's body trembling from the weather, a swelling in their hearts despite that.

"Thank you for coming with us to lunch," Josh mentions eventually.

Brendon gives him a careful smile, hand slowly moving to hold his. He's cold, and that adds to it, yet he mostly just wants to be as close to Josh as possible. "Of course." He gets out. "It was important."

Josh nods. "Yeah, it was." He agrees. "And not to sound sappy, but I'm proud of you. I know that was difficult for you to do."

Brendon's throat tightens a little bit at the thought, biting his lip. "I'm. . . I'm glad I did it." Whether or not Josh realizes it, these situations are helping him grow. Brendon would have never done that last year-- expose such a vulnerable part of himself even if it reaped benefits. "It scares me to do things when I don't know what's gonna happen. But. . . I like the thought of getting to know your family. It makes it feel more, like, real."

"Makes what feel more real?" Josh wonders, smiling. "Our relationship?" He nudges Brendon's side.

His face goes hot, shoulders shrugging. "Yeah. Our relationship."

Josh hums. "I like it too." He comments. "Having you meet my family makes me happy; it reminds me of when I introduced them to Tyler." Josh looks forward again, watching the way Jim practically trots opposed to walking. "Getting to show the people I love most the people I care about most is a good feeling."

Brendon is beaming when hearing that.

Being important is something new for him. Well, he's important to Carina, and he has been for a long time-- it's different, though, when it's romantic. Brendon holds hands with Josh, kisses Josh, cuddles Josh at night, thinks about him in the shower, imagines it's his hand when he jacks himself off. . .

Yeah, it's different.

"You'll have to meet the rest of my family soon." Josh brings up.

Brendon nods, hand tightening around his. "That sounds good." He says. "I might need to. . . Medicate myself next time, though."

The anxiety he had around Abby was almost too much. He can't even imagine what it would be like in front of the rest of Josh's family. Especially his parents. They are the most important people to Josh and Tyler, and the last thing Brendon wants is to make a bad impression on them.

"Whatever you need to do, baby." Josh grins.

Brendon is giddy from that. He can't deny it.

He and Josh fall into a casual conversation the rest of the walk to the park, and by the time they make it there, they sit down on a bench and give Jim water. The birds that fly over them and the children having fun at the playground is calming, safe. So is Josh's hand in Brendon's. After a moment too, Josh is curling into his side, hair tickling Brendon's chin, but he can't seem to care. Not at all.

"This is nice." Josh whispers.

"Any moment I get to spend with you is nice." Brendon comments, easily. It's becoming natural for him to express these types of things.

Josh let's out a chuckle. "You've become such a sap once you got comfortable with Tyler and I."

Brendon bites his lip. Happy. God, he's so happy. "Can you blame me?"

"Definitely not." Josh murmurs, moving Jim's leash to sit on so he can't get away, and once doing that, he let's go of Brendon's hand so he can wrap both arms around him. "If I was with people as hot as me and Tyler, I wouldn't shut up either."

Brendon laughs, shaking his head. "Exactly." He decides. "But you aren't even in my shoes and you don't shut up about Tyler and I."

Josh chuckles another time. "I can't help it, Brendon." He disputes. "How can I shut up when I'm with the hottest people on earth? And I'm Josh. I never shut up in general."

Brendon nearly rolls his eyes. Josh has no business calling him a sap when he says things like that. "You have a big fucking mouth," he states, running a hand through his hair. He has let it down from the bun it was in. "But I guess I like your big mouth, so it's okay."

Josh is amused. "You better," he decides, sitting up to look at Brendon. "You haven't even seen what this big fucking mouth can do yet, anyways."

Brendon hums, leaning back. Josh is ridiculous, yet he can't help but love it. "Can it at least give me a kiss?"

Josh nods easily. "That's one of the few good things it was made for." His eyes fall to Brendon's lips, head tilting, curls falling in his face, and goodness, Brendon can look at him forever. He loves everything about him, from the freckles at his nose to the kindness in his heart.

Before Brendon can think of more examples, Josh leans close and kisses him. It's tender, soft, slow, nice-- perfect. It's always, always perfect when it comes to Josh. Brendon wants more than this but has to hold himself back once recalling they're in public, and just feet away, there is children.

He'll save these pent up emotions for later.

He always does.

Josh smiles once pulling away, caressing Brendon's cheek. "Now that you got a taste of these lips, wanna play fetch with Jim? We can't visit the park without doing that."

"Definitely." Brendon agrees.

Josh nods another time, slowly standing up and folding the dog bowl after pouring the rest of the water out. Jim's tail wags immediately, almost as if he knows what's happening, and yeah, he definitely knows when Josh pulls out a tennis ball from his sweater pocket. Brendon watches Jim jump in excitement, letting out small yips while waiting for Josh to throw it.

He makes sure to take the leash off, and once he does, Josh throws the ball as hard as he can, which leads to Jim sprinting to go get it as soon as it happens.

Josh smiles big and wide, turning to Brendon. "You throw next."

Brendon is grinning ear-to-ear in return, getting up from the bench and pecking Josh's cheek. "Of course."

***

Tyler made salad and barbecue chicken for dinner. It's about six when Brendon and Josh make it home from the park, and after an hour, the three of them gather in the living room to eat. They watch the same show they have been for a few weeks now-- the one Tyler explained as the school teacher who makes drugs or something-- which Brendon has missed so many episodes of because he is as confused as ever watching it.

They sit on the floor, bodies touching softly, comfort soaring profoundly. Brendon sees them both eat with no fear, helping him manage to take a few bites of salad himself.

It's such a slow process.

He's working for success.

Eventually, Tyler lays their head on his shoulder, kissing his neck, rubbing their nose against his skin. "Want to come over next Tuesday?" They wonder out of nowhere.

Brendon thinks they're weird.

"Sure," he decides, easily. He will hangout with them and Josh any chance he gets. "Why that specific day?"

Tyler shrugs, sitting back up straight. "It's Josh and I's anniversary."

Brendon's stomach practically drops when he hears that. Those words settle fast, harsh, yet he can't quite process a way to respond. He's in shock, almost-- no, definitely in shock.

"You. . . Want me to spend your guy's anniversary with you?" He whispers.

Tyler nods. "Yes," they assure, taking another bite of their chicken. Brendon simply sits there in awe. He is flabbergasted, in all honesty, and he's not too sure if he should be in the first place. Is it surprising? To him it is, but neither Tyler nor Josh seem to find this unusual.

"Tyler and I have been talking about it." Josh pipes up. "We've known you for like, five months now. . . At this point, it would just feel weird if you weren't spending a day like that with us."

Brendon's eyebrows furrow. "I-I don't know. Are you sure?" He frowns. "I don't want either of you to think I'm in the way or. . . Invading on something special like that. Anniversaries are a big thing."

"Bren, you're in this with us." Josh states.

Maybe it hasn't fully set in yet. . .

"Okay," he murmurs.

"We want you to spend it with us." He says. Then, when taking everything into account, he continues. "Only if you want to, though." Josh reassures, caressing his arm to comfort him.

Brendon nods. "I do, Josh." He whispers. "As long as I'm welcomed."

Josh smiles, leaning closer. "You're always welcomed, baby."

Brendon is beaming from the inside out. He can't stop thinking about the fact that he finally feels content. Thoroughly. Fully. In this moment, it is hitting him more than ever before, simply because the idea of him this close to Josh with only a swell of love in his heart opposed to one of nerves is groundbreaking for him. Slowly but surely, he's taking the steps to improve, experience, overcome, learn, live.

It's beautiful.

Josh presses his lips against Brendon's, smiling after a moment. They are so unbelievably infatuated with one another it's laughable.

"You taste like barbecue," Brendon mutters.

Josh laughs, head falling to his shoulder for a second before being nose-to-nose once more. "That's kinda hot."

"So hot." Brendon jokes.

Josh is grinning like a fool, kissing him one last time. He pulls away afterwards, sitting closer to him then, and his thigh even rests on top of Brendon's. They're touching any chance they get-- both of them. Tyler's head rests against his arm, too, as soon as he and Josh get comfortable.

"Do you two have any plans for your anniversary?" Brendon asks when it comes to mind.

Tyler shrugs. "We usually do the same thing every year."

Brendon blinks, scratching the fabric of his jeans at the knee absentmindedly. "What's that?"

Josh chuckles. "We've been together for so long that we don't really do anything special." He discloses, eyes trained to the television. "We usually just wake up, make breakfast, watch movies together until we get tired of it, or Tyler tries to touch my dick--"

"Josh," Tyler cuts in, but they can't refrain from laughing carefully to themself at that.

Brendon shakes his head in response, a tingle down his spine, a warmth in his stomach.

Josh purses his lips, raising his shoulders. "It's true." And Brendon practically scoffs because he knows it's true, no one was denying that. "They only like to tease me, though. Then I help them make dinner and we eat and drink wine until they actually fuck-- I mean, you know, until we actually have sex." He pauses. "I guess that's a little TMI."

Tyler actually scoffs. "You think?" They get out. "You did not have to go that in detail about it, Josh."

Josh looks to Brendon. "Sorry."

Brendon swallows thickly, brushing a curl behind his ear. "It's that big fucking mouth of yours."

Josh cracks a smile, then laughs. "You're not wrong."

They both turn to watch the show once Josh says that, and it goes back to normal, yet Brendon's heart is racing. He scratches at his knee a little harder, faster, biting on his cheek without much thought. All that runs through his head is a strange sense of unknown. Of curiosity.

Josh speaks about his and Tyler's sex life so casually that in its own strange way, it becomes extremely menacing. Although he stopped himself from finishing the word, he had no hesitation to emphasize Tyler fucks him.

Even thinking about that makes Brendon's body grow warm.

He is paranoid. Always and forever, really. It just feels as though each day is a step closer to exactly that. But he doesn't want that-- it's something he fears, embarrassingly enough. He needs everything nice and gentle when starting out. With any situation. This one, though, more importantly. He dreads the thought of being comfortable enough to do that only to have it be rough opposed to careful, or needy opposed to considerate. He wants more than anything to be close with Josh and Tyler like that, but the idea of it going differently than he imagined is too hard for him to cope with.

That's the thing, Brendon has realized. There is no certainty with sex, and for someone that struggles immensely if something is unclear to him, it makes intimacy more difficult than normal.

Brendon is not like others Tyler and Josh usually come across, and he sometimes catches himself wondering if they know that. His anxiety has limited him throughout his whole life. It has limited his intimate experiences, it has limited him even more in the present. Especially now when the possibility of having sex is at an all time high.

Brendon is between desperately wanting to lose his virginity, and begging to keep it.

It's absolutely pathetic.

Tyler sighs suddenly, running their hand on his thigh. "Are you okay, Brend?" They mumble, obviously tired.

Brendon bites his lip, nodding. "Yeah." He whispers.

They nod as well. His heart continues to race, yet it slows down in slightest when they press a kiss to his arm a few times. "Eat some more of your dinner, honey." One more kiss-- maybe his worries are unreasonable. "Please."

"Yeah, Ty." He assures, Adam's apple bobbing while giving them a careful smile.

As he takes a bite of chicken for the first time that night, and Tyler and Josh both finish their dinner, they cuddle up to his sides naturally, simultaneously, making Brendon wish that he wasn't riddled with so many problems so that he can give these two people his all, and more than that.

***

Sunday is a weird day. Josh is gone by the time Brendon wakes up, and Tyler isn't in bed either. Yet, he can't find the energy to figure out why for a while. He's comfortable like this. Turning onto his stomach, he can smell them. Curling his toes into the sheets, it's like he can feel them.

It's safe.

It's home.

Brendon lays there for another half-hour or so, nearly falling asleep again, but curiosity finally gets the best of him at some point. He sighs when deciding to sit up, unplugging his phone from the charger to check what time it is.

1:14 PM.

Oh.

His only excuse for sleeping in this late is that the last two days have been a rollercoaster and have really taken it out on him.

Though, that's when Brendon realizes he has one unread message from Josh.

Didn't get to say goodbye before I left for work this morning but know I kissed your forehead like the trophy-husband I am. Have a good day, baby.

Brendon smiles, shaking his head. He's not sure he'll ever get over this.

I appreciate the forehead kiss.

Brendon sets his phone down after sending the reply, immediately stretching out his back and arms. Each pop is lead with a moan, because god, it feels good, and by the time he's standing up and walking downstairs, it feels like the tension is already in his body again.

At this point, he's considering asking Tyler for another massage.

A real one.

By the time Brendon makes it downstairs and sees Tyler though, his plans are ruined.

He completely forgot Dallon was coming over today.

He almost wants to let out an aggravated groan when he sees him, but he settles for simply biting his lip and walking over to Tyler. They both are talking about something yet he's too out of mind to catch any of it, and he's already leaning over the couch to hug Tyler before deciding that maybe he shouldn't interrupt while they're working.

Oh, well. Brendon couldn't care enough.

Tyler flinches when he hugs them from behind but holds his arm tightly when registering it as Brendon's. They look up at him once he pulls away a little too, giving him a soft smile with only their lips. "Did you finally wake up?"

Brendon nods.

He looks to Dallon for a split second before looking back down at them. "How long are you going to be busy?"

Tyler Adam's apple bobs. "Um, a few more hours. We're trying to finish the script today."

Brendon still isn't exactly sure what them and Dallon are working on, and if they told him, he completely forgot already. Still, he nods another time. He doesn't want to get in the way, and he definitely does not want to slow their working progress.

"Okay." He murmurs. "What do I do?"

Brendon can tell Tyler wants him around but knows best not to have that. "You can hangout in the room until I'm done, if you want. You're free to do anything, Bren."

The thought of not actually spending time with Tyler or Josh at their own house is a weird concept for him. He's trying to wrap his mind around it because why else would he stay if he's not doing that? He supposes now is finally his time to fully become comfortable here, to the point where it actually, physically, feels like home. More days like these are sure to come; he needs to get used to it.

"Okay." He says another time, slowly leaning down to kiss them. Only a peck. He knows Tyler can't stand morning breath-- well, in this case, afternoon breath.

He pulls away entirely after that, leaving Tyler and Dallon be.

Brendon walks into the kitchen when they go right back into their conversation, pouring himself a glass of water. He heads upstairs once taking a sip, almost awkward as he sits in bed.

What the fuck does he do?

He sighs, taking another drink, looking around the room. He could watch TV. . . Then he looks to his bag and the only thought that crosses his mind is that he could also just get high. . .

Yeah, Brendon settles for the latter.

He digs through his bag to find his bowl, lighter, and grinder, shuffling on his sneakers before heading back downstairs. Tyler and Dallon both look over when they hear him come down, and maybe it should be embarrassing that they're looking at a hopeless stoner, but Brendon carries on his way to the backyard with very few cares.

He hears Tyler chuckle from the livingroom.

When Brendon makes it outside, he's sitting down on one of the lawn chairs and packing his bowl with the rest of the weed left in his grinder to get him through these next few hours.

Brendon smokes all of it.

The first couple of hits are fine, but for some ungodly reason, he holds one in for too long and is coughing like he's missing a lung. Jim even scurries through the dog door at some point to check on him, licking his leg, wagging his tail. Once Brendon's coughs die down though, he's running off into the yard and minding his own business.

Brendon smiles, coughs one more time, then smiles again.

He only takes three more hits before it's done, yet opposed to going back inside, he finds himself walking out on the grass and plopping down into the hammock, just like the other time he got high here. There's something about it he likes. The breeze feels better on his skin at this time, and he enjoys looking up at the trees while he swings. He thinks of his mom and his childhood, but carries it into the progress he's made since then.

Whether or not it's too soon to say outloud, Brendon thinks he's in love.

He might just be high but he has never felt so safe before. Tyler and Josh treat him the way he thought he could never be treated by anyone. They take into account what he is and isn't comfortable with, and they tend to his needs both subtly and profoundly. They're perfect. Perfect for him, perfect to him, and he has never been so grateful in his life.

He's lucky. He's safe. He's okay. He's in love.

It's too apparent not to think about.

Brendon finds a few tears slipping down his cheeks-- it's nothing bad, though. It's so, so good, and he's almost positive that it can't be real. He has never gotten anything this good.

Tyler and Josh treat him like a necessity. They treat him like they need him. No one else treats him like that, and the fact that he's now in his thirties and is finally learning what love actually feels like, it's a rollercoaster of experience. He truly wants to give them his everything.

Finally, once Brendon decides to stop being a sap like Josh says he has grown into, he gets off the hammock and grabs everything he brought out here, going back inside. He looks at Tyler again when he passes by because he never wastes a second to take them in, and it isn't until now where he realizes they are still wearing the hoodie he loaned them yesterday. Beyond that, they're wearing these baby blue silk pajama shorts with white ruffles on them, boxer briefs peaking out at the bottom because they really are that short.

Before this, Tyler would never wear something like that in front of Dallon, but Brendon supposes they have gotten to the point where if he doesn't respect them enough to stay focused and keep his eyes off them, then they won't work with him at all.

And that's good for them.

Brendon smiles carefully to himself, walking up the stairs and heading into the bedroom. Immediately, he's drinking the rest of the water he got earlier, and afterwards is sticking everything in the plastic bag he had his stuff in, shoving it back into his bag.

He falls onto the bed when he's done, turning on the TV as well and finding something that catches his eye.

It doesn't last long.

Brendon watches the show for a good twenty minutes or so until he gets far too bored to pay attention anymore. He genuinely does not know what to do without Tyler and Josh at this point, and he feels nothing other than pity for himself.

He lolls his head to the side once he has had enough, staring at the bedside table. Tyler's journal sits right there but he knows better than to mess with that, so his eyes shift downwards to the drawers. He opens the first one hoping that maybe there's something in there to keep him occupied. A word search? Sudoku? He has no idea.

He finds nothing, only random shit like pens and bills, even some candy.

Brendon huffs, shutting the drawer. His hand goes to reach for the other one but as soon as he's about to pull it out, he remembers exactly what he found last time. He flinches away as soon as it hits him, staring, blinking.

Last time he looked inside this drawer he had a horrible panic attack. Yet. . . That was before Brendon had ever done anything with Tyler and Josh. It was right after he kissed Tyler for the first time. They've done a lot more than that since then. . . So. . . Looking might not be as bad now. Right? And somewhere deep down inside him, he almost has an urge to look again.

He's curious.

He didn't exactly pay much attention last time. Now that he has been getting more intimate with Tyler and Josh, he should probably look. To see what he's getting into.

Yeah, he should look.

He wants to look.

Kind of.

Brendon bites his lip, ultimately deciding it would be beneficial. He slowly grabs the handle, and with one deep breath, he's pulling the drawer open.

His heart races in slow motion, only because he is nervous to do this, yet the weed in his system won't allow it to procure. It's dwindling. He's looking, fixated, yet barely anything is processing.

Quite honestly, Brendon can't tell what a lot of it is. And that alone is embarrassing. He sees some things that are obvious, other things that aren't, and even stuff that piques his interest more than it should. Though, Brendon quickly comes to the realization that he has such a small amount of experience, because it's to the point where he isn't able to identify most of what he is seeing, and he's humiliated by that.

He should really try to be more open about these things, fuck.

Brendon's lazy eyes investigate not much longer. He can hear someone making their way upstairs and that sets alarms off in his head, leading him to close the drawer and immediately get comfortable in bed to make it seem like he has been laying exactly like this the whole time.

The door opens, Tyler walks in.

They shut it right behind them, crawling into bed with Brendon. "We're taking a lunch break. Dallon went to get food." They disclose without having to be asked, but when they see Brendon, their brows pull together. "What's wrong?"

Brendon swallows thickly, mind fuzzy, body tingling. "Hmm?"

Tyler's eyes run across his features. "You're flushed."

Brendon nearly sighs; he supposes even when he's high, his face never fails to show his nerves.

He's trying to figure out what to tell them while they lay this close with such a soft glare. He's stuck between wanting share all of his thoughts, and wanting to keep it to himself in order to avoid a potentially awkward conversation.

"I'm just thinking about. . . The three of us." He whispers.

Tyler blinks, fingers moving into his hair. "What about us?" They ask.

Brendon shrugs, not sure how to bring it up or if he's ready for that in general. "I don't know." He mumbles, closing his eyes to try and simply focus on their touch opposed to anything else. "I just want you and Josh to know I care and trust you both more than anyone else in my life."

Tyler can't seem to get a grip on this situation, and Brendon can't blame them. He's talking nonsense to scoot around the real topic.

"We know that, Bren." They assure. "The same goes for us."

Brendon nods, huffing. He's so conflicted it hurts. "And. . . I want to show that in every way possible." He carries on with, quietly.

Tyler doesn't say a word. There's nothing to be said.

Brendon opens his eyes again and looks at them, feeling a little distracted by their fingers through his hair more than anything else. "Everything we've been doing together has made me feel more and more comfortable to be able to try things out and actually. . . Experience stuff." He admits, slowly but surely getting there.

Tyler smiles gently at him. "I'm glad, Bren."

He nods along to their words. "Yeah." He croaks out. "I enjoy it. And I want to do more things." Nothing is computing in his brain right now; it is like mush, not only because of the slowly building nerves, but from the weed reacting so positively to Tyler's touch. "I'm just really, really scared. I-- I've spent so long keeping this one thing to myself and I don't know what to do with the thought of not having it anymore."

Brendon can't tell if he is being subtle about it or not.

And when Tyler speaks up, he's obviously not. "We don't have to have sex any time soon, Brendon." They assure instantly. "Just because the three of us have been fooling around and trying things out does not mean the next immediate step is sex. Josh and I don't want you to feel that way."

Brendon isn't as nervous as he could be. He's actually quite calm, taking in everything Tyler says with an open mind. "I know." He mutters. "I. . ." This is where he hesitates. "I think I want to soon, though." He whispers, meek, nearly reluctant of the response.

Tyler examines his features, making sure he's telling the truth, not simply telling them what he thinks they want to hear. "If you're comfortable with it being soon, then that's completely okay."

Brendon closes his eyes when their soft tugs at his hair become too soothing to cope with. "You're gonna take care of me, right?" He whispers, again. It's hard to speak confidently in a conversation where you have no ground whatsoever.

Tyler kisses the tip of his nose. "Haven't I already told you I would before?"

Brendon can't remember. Whether he wants to admit it or not, smoking so much weed makes him forget practically everything. Even when he's not high.

"I just need to hear it again." He decides.

Tyler hums, leaning forward into him. They kiss his chest right through the shirt, then trail up to his neck, behind his ear, almost making him squirm from sensitivity. "All I'm going to be focused on is you." They murmur, kissing his neck another time. "Making sure you're comfortable." A kiss to his collarbone. "Making sure you're ready." A kiss to his jaw. "Making sure it's everything you want it to be, and need it to be." Finally, they kiss his lips, and Brendon can't stop himself from kissing back desperately. He's already worked up from this-- how degrading. He gasps into their mouth like a moron when they follow with something just as intense, yet before either of them get carried away, simultaneously, they break up.

Brendon does it because he's not comfortable doing anything past this without Josh, but he's not sure why Tyler stops. It might be for the same reason, or it might be because he still hasn't brushed his teeth and now, beyond the morning breath, he has. . . Gross weed breath.

Brendon opens his eyes again, swallowing thickly as he looks at Tyler. "Is it normal to talk about having sex before actually having sex or am I making an embarrassment of myself." Brendon wants to make some sort of self-deprecating joke to explain that his disorder is what's holding him back, but he decides it's best not to. Now is not the time. Not when it's affecting him so terribly.

"You're asking the wrong person," Tyler states. Brendon wonders why, they continue. "Don't know if Josh and I have mentioned this before, but up until we met you, we've both been having very unhealthy one-night-stands with people and never see them again." They made a self-depricating joke, almost like a diss to Brendon's thought process. "We know nothing about being normal."

Brendon doesn't know how to respond. It didn't answer his question.

Tyler quickly becomes sincere, though. Brendon thinks they may be feeling just as vulnerable as him, because despite knowing the ins-and-outs of what he is worried about, they know very little of what he knows best. Normality.

"Whether it's normal or not, that doesn't matter." They murmur, using their free hand to hold his. "Having a discussion about these sort of things is more important than anything else." Brendon is in so deep he can barely think. "If anything is weighing you down, you talk to Josh and I. Always. We're here for you, and are open to speak about anything and everything. Especially if it's something affecting you tremendously."

Brendon's heart flutters. "Thank you, Ty."

"You don't need to thank me for being nice. I'm supposed to be nice." They say.

"I'm thanking you for making me feel safe enough to be comfortable. And speak my mind." Brendon discloses. "Carina is the only other person I've felt like that with. Now I have that with you and Josh, too."

Tyler's lip curls upwards. "Well, thank you for letting us do that for you."

Brendon smiles along, nodding, curling into their chest. They're welcoming without knowing, feeding into every comforting desire he has with something as simple as this. To Brendon, there cannot possibly be more to this feeling, and perhaps he is chasing something that isn't there. Sex will come when he'd like it to, and that is perfectly okay. He doesn't need it like he has trained himself to think; it will only happen when he wants it, he has come to learn.

***

Brendon stays at Tyler and Josh's house until around seven. Josh came home at five-thirty, Dallon left at six, and Tyler convinced Brendon to eat dinner before heading out. It has become something casual for him and at this point he nearly forgets he has somewhere else to be, because he practically is roommates with Tyler and Josh now.

He leaves anyways, despite that.

Although he would love to stay, Brendon is trying to learn how to be independent and not rely on Tyler and Josh for everything.

It may be stupid, but to him, it's not.

They hug at the doorway, and Brendon doesn't ask Tyler for his hoodie back. He likes seeing them wear it too much to do that, so he settles for kissing them, quickly turning to Josh to do the same thing. Afterwards, he's gone, not too sure what he is going to do the rest of the week until he sees them again next Tuesday, other than going to his mom's this upcoming weekend.

The drive back to his apartment is bittersweet. Brendon finds himself nearly reaching to the passenger's side like he did for lunch yesterday, because he thinks he could get used to touching Tyler of Josh's leg protectively. It makes it settle in a little more. Tyler and Josh are his, and he is theirs.

The thought is refreshing.

By the time Brendon is unlocking the door to his apartment, he looks over to Hayley's, thinking that maybe he should pay her a visit really quick since he didn't get to have much of a conversation with her when she came over last time.

It seems like a good idea.

He heads inside to put everything down on the couch, and right after, he is walking over and knocking on Hayley's door.

It takes a moment, but she opens it eventually. Her smile happens in a flash, because immediately, it seems like it's gone. "Hey, Brendon." She gets out. "Um, Jack is over this week. I can't smoke--"

"That's not why I came over." He murmurs, almost feeling his heart drop. That's a little. . . Pathetic. Their whole friendship has generally relied on weed, so much so that Hayley now assumes that's the only reason he came over. . .

"Oh, oh, sorry." She laughs. "What's up?"

Brendon is almost too distracted wallowing in self-pity to respond. "I wanted to come say hi. I'm back and, you know, alone now." He thinks about it longer. "I also wanted to say thank you again for the birthday present. I loved it."

Hayley's smile appears once more, and it's sincere. "I'm glad you liked it." She says. "Wanna come in? Jack's just about done with his bath. He'll be excited to see you once he's out."

Brendon nods. "Yeah."

Hayley guides him in, telling Brendon to sit on the couch for a second while she helps Jack get out of the bath and into his pajamas. So he simply sits there, looks around, sees toys spread across the floor and kitchen table. There's mostly Hot Wheels and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles figurines, but he also sees some My Little Pony dolls, as well as a few Barbies.

Brendon's lips tug upwards. Whether it's important or not, he's glad Hayley lets him play with whatever he'd like.

If Brendon was a dad, he would do the same thing.

It doesn't take much longer for Jack to come running into the livingroom, shouting Brendon's name as he hops onto the couch and hugs him tight. His hair is still pretty wet and sticks to Brendon's chin, but he doesn't mind, he only hugs him back.

"You came to visit me!" Jack exclaims, grin spreading from ear-to-ear.

Brendon smiles. "Yeah, I did."

Jack nods, crawling into his lap without a care in the world. Hayley finally comes in as well, shaking her head with a chuckle when she sees what her son is doing.

"Did you like the card I made you?" He asks.

"Best card I've ever gotten, dude." Brendon assures. "You did an awesome drawing. It looked just like us."

Jack is giddy. Eyes gleaming, cheeks high. "Did you show Tyler?"

Brendon finds himself taking a pause to wonder why Jack thinks he would show Tyler, then he remembers telling him and Hayley Tyler was over when they came to give him the gifts. So, with that in mind, he nods. "Yeah, I did show them."

He watches the way Jack stares at him when he says that, processing the information. He can only imagine how confusing it might be to hear Tyler's pronouns being used at such a young age. Brendon still isn't certain he really understands, and he can't blame the kid, he simply hopes it makes some sense in the long run.

"Did Tyler like it?" Jack ends up asking.

Brendon shrugs. "In their own way, yeah."

Jack smiles another time. "I'm gonna draw 'nother thing for you. And Tyler. And Josh." He considers it, placing a hand on Brendon's shoulder, tilting his head. "What do they like?"

Brendon hums. "Well, Tyler really likes cooking, and baking." He discloses. "And Josh likes taking pictures. He's a photographer."

Jack's face lights up when he hears that. "I like taking pictures, too!"

Brendon's eyebrows lift. "Really?"

"Mhm!" He gets out. "I use my momma's phone an' take pictures all the time. I like taking pictures of outside when I'm in the car."

Hayley laughs along, and it isn't until now Brendon notices she's sitting down on the carpet, folding clothes in front of them. "It's true," she comments. Brendon wants to say something in return, but with the way she's bending over to grab things out of the basket, her shirt reveals a lot, so much so that Brendon looks away without question, dismissing it.

"Do you think Josh can take pictures of me?" Jack wonders.

Brendon hums, lifting his shoulders. "I'll have to ask him." He decides. "I'm sure he'll say yes; he has a soft spot for kids."

He sees the way Josh's eyes light up when he talks about the days he takes pictures for families with little kids. He's overjoyed about the idea of having one of his own, yet gets let down when coming back to reality. Brendon thinks that maybe he gets so excited to talk about these things with him because he has never exactly been able to with Tyler. He will be shut down quickly. With Brendon, it's a different story.

He likes getting to see that side of Josh. It's not much different than his usual ways, but there's a difference when he's refraining for Tyler's sake, and expressing his feelings for his own sake.

Brendon saw how easily happy he got with something as simple as meeting Jack. He was sweet and kind, welcoming for anyone really-- especially Jack, though.

And yes, Brendon understands exactly where Tyler is coming from when they tell him how uncomfortable the thought of being around kids makes them, or how uncomfortable they feel at the thought of having kids. Still, that doesn't mean he doesn't feel bad for Josh. He feels fucking horrible for him. He knows full-well Josh would be an amazing parent, the best one he could think of, and to know he never will get to prove that messes with Brendon's head a little more than it should.

"Can I ask him?" Jack pipes up.

Brendon snaps out of his thoughts, almost forgetting what they were talking about in the first place. "You want to ask him if he can take pictures of you?"

Jack nods frantically. "Momma says 'm like a model!"

Brendon chuckles. "I bet." He watches Jack rest his chin on his chest, staring up at him with a smile. "Well, um," he starts. "If you're at your mom's the next time Josh is over, you can ask him then. But, him and Tyler don't come over very much, so it might be a while."

Jack frowns. "Why can't you call him righ' now?"

Brendon blinks. Processing it. "You want me to call him right now?"

Jack nods.

Brendon huffs, slowly reaching into his pocket and slipping out his phone. "Let me text him to make he's not busy,"

"He's not busy. He has to talk to me." Jack states, as if it's a fact, and perhaps in his head it is. Brendon laughs at the thought and his cockiness, thumbs twiddling with the keyboard.

Hey are you free for a second?

Surprisingly, Josh responds fast.

Yep. Just got out of the shower. Why?

I may or may not have accidentally made Hayley's son want to get photographed by you and now he really wants to ask if you can take a few pictures of him.

So if I can call you for a second so he can ask, that'd be awesome.

Brendon hopes Josh is actually willing to photograph a few pictures of Jack for fun, because if not, he is definitely coming on too strong for this. He's certain, though, that Josh won't mind; he carries a camera with him so often Brendon is positive he has enough time to snap a couple pictures of the kid.

Absolutely. (:

Brendon smiles himself when he sees the little happy face Josh sent, nodding along to his words.

"We can call him," he mentions, making Jack gasp and grin big and wide, far too excited for no reason whatsoever. Brendon supposes that's common for kids his age-- being happy for no reason.

Must be nice.

Brendon decides to video call Josh opposed to anything else since he is so used to it by now, and Josh picks up with wet curls stuck to his forehead, making Brendon's smile spread even more.

"Hey," he says, only seeing Brendon at first. He's laying on his side in bed, Tyler behind him writing in their journal, it seems like. They say nothing, they don't even look his way, but he doesn't mind. He's sure they are either extremely concentrated, or Josh told them why he's calling and they do not want to be a part of it.

Immediately, before Brendon is able to respond, Jack grabs the phone out of his hand and brings it to his face. "Hi, Josh!" He exclaims. "I'm Jack, we meeted when you came over one time. Do you remember?"

Josh chuckles. "Yep. I do remember." His eyes squint; he's happy. "What's up?"

Jack purses his lip, looking up at Brendon for a moment before back down at the phone. "Brendon tol' me that you take pictures." He starts. "I wan'ed to ask if you can take pictures of me, too. With all of my toys! And my momma can hang it on the fridge."

Josh hums. "Since you asked so nicely, I definitely will."

Jack is ecstatic. He's standing on the couch and jumping up and down with such a big grin it must hurt his cheeks. Brendon and Hayley laugh while they watch him, Josh as well, but finally, Hayley tries to calm him down. "Hey," she gets out. Jack stops jumping, looking over to his mom. "Ask when, okay?"

Jack nods, quickly plopping back down in Brendon's lap. "Josh, when can you take pictures of me?"

"Whenever I'm at the apartments again I will." Josh murmurs.

Jack huffs, leaning his head onto Brendon's chest and looking downwards at the phone. "You need'a come 'gain soon."

Josh chuckles. "I'll try to."

Jack nods, and before he can say anything else, Hayley stands up and taps on his shoulder. "It's time to get ready for bed." She says, which leads him to sigh out of disappointment. Nonetheless, he nods another time, frown evident as he looks at the phone again.

"I gotta go to bed," Jack informs. "Nigh-night, Josh."

Josh smiles, waving at the camera. "Goodnight, buddy."

Jack hands Brendon the phone once saying his goodbyes, hugging him as well, and with that, he's heading down the hallway and into his room. Hayley is taking the steps to do the same, but before she can, Brendon is standing up and saying: "I think I'm gonna go back to mine,"

There's a small tug on Hayley's lips. "Okay." She gets out. "Goodnight, Brendon. Thank you for visiting."

"Goodnight." He responds, lips in the same stance.

Afterwards, he's walking out of her apartment, back into his own, and it isn't until then Brendon realizes his mattress is still on the floor in the livingroom. He groans when seeing, but falls down onto it anyways.

"Sorry," Brendon murmurs to Josh. He looks at him through the screen, finally getting time for his heart to swell when taking him all in. He's shirtless, hair stuck to his skin, and the way his tired eyes look back doesn't help Brendon from wanting to hold him right now.

"It's okay, babe." Josh mutters. A moment passes, he grins. "He's a cute kid."

Brendon hums. "He is." He decides, running a hand through his hair. He wishes it was Tyler's, like they had done earlier, or even Josh's. "He's obsessed with the three of us for some reason."

Josh shrugs. "He's young. We're different. It interests him."

Brendon sometimes forgets that's his life now. Different. Not normal. It's weird. "I've never been interesting before." He remarks.

Josh rolls his eyes. "You've always been interesting, to me."

Brendon wants to roll his eyes as well in response. "You're such a dork." He is going to say something to further that statement, but when he sees Tyler in the background still completely entrapped in what they're doing, that catches his attention more than anything. "What's Tyler up to?"

Josh lets out a small noise, rolling to his other side and snuggling into theirs. "Probably writing about how hot I must have looked in the shower." He vocalizes, not bothering to actually look at what they're writing because he has definitely learned through time that out of everything, this is the one thing they need for themself.

"How did you know," they mumble, distracted.

"I would write about the same thing if I was married to a guy as sexy as me." Josh says.

Tyler chuckles briefly, stare harsh on the paper, hand tense as they continue.

Brendon notices that they're in his hoodie even now, looking casual, comfortable, and he's happy seeing it. There's something so domestic about it, and perhaps that's why he's not sure he'll ever get over it.

"Are you almost done?" Josh asks them, pouty lip and all.

They nod, and after a few more seconds, they're finishing off whatever they have left to say and are tucking the pen into their journal, setting it aside. Afterwards, they hold Josh's head to their chest once laying down.

Brendon is perfectly fine with watching. It almost feels like he is there with them.

"Did you even notice I'm naked," Josh blurts out.

Tyler laughs softly, fingers running through his curls. Now Brendon really feels like he's there. "Yes."

"You didn't act like it." Josh grumbles.

Tyler's lips are upturned completely. "Because I see you naked almost every night." They disclose. "And you are on the phone, what was I expected to do?"

Josh's shoulders lift. "Touch my butt underneath the blankets."

Tyler shakes their head, chuckling, eyes closing. They say absolutely nothing after that, but the way Josh snickers after some shuffling, Brendon knows exactly what is happening. Especially when Josh looks up at them and murmurs, "Can I touch your butt too?"

Tyler shakes their head.

"That's not fair." He disputes.

Tyler exhales, shrugging. "I don't want you touching my butt while I'm naked."

Brendon blinks. Naked? But. . . They're wearing his hoodie?

"That's not fair." Josh repeats.

"Too bad." Tyler replies.

Josh huffs, eyes meeting the phone screen again. "Have you moved your mattress from the livingroom yet, Bren?" He decides to ask, guiding the conversation back to him, opposed to Tyler.

Brendon twirls a strand of hair around his finger. "Nope."

Josh hums. "Are you going to?"

"Maybe tomorrow." He mumbles, yet Brendon already knows he probably won't tomorrow. He's too unmotivated to do anything. Still, he says that, to reassure Josh he's willing to not be so stuck-in-place.

"Okay." Josh lets it be, and after a moment passes, he yawns, speaking up again. "I think I'm gonna head to bed, baby." He mutters through it.

Brendon nods, sad to see him go, but sure he should do the same. "Okay,"

"We'll see you soon." Josh whispers, rubbing his eyes. "Goodnight, sleep well."

"Goodnight." He says. Then, when Josh pans the camera up to Tyler, they give him a faint smile, telling him the same thing. Once Brendon gives a mutual response, Josh ends the call, leaving Brendon ultimately alone for the first time that night.

He needs to take a shower. He knows he should.

He's too tired, though, the longer he dwells on it, so he simply slips off his jeans and sneakers after plugging his phone in, and turns on the TV. It's weird getting to do that. Getting to actually have something else to make noise in his apartment besides himself and a record player.

Brendon clicks a show to fall asleep to on Netflix, and when laying his head down on one of the pillows, it smells like Josh's cologne, making him smile. He pulls the blankets up to his chin and snuggles into it, breathing in, breathing out. He thinks about the night of his birthday as he held Josh in his arms, and how he and Tyler linked legs before falling asleep, and just like that, the comfort of his thoughts slowly allows him to arrive at that same place.

***

Going to work isn't so terrible right now. Brendon feels more comfortable than ever, really, which is odd for him, and that alone almost makes him think maybe he shouldn't feel comfortable.

Despite that, he eases into it. He works better than he usually does, actually concentrated, persistent, calm, collected-- a good employee, he might say. And by the time it's lunch, he and Luke walk into the breakroom, taking a seat after heating up their Cup O' Noodles. Just as they're about to start a conversation too, Ryland walks in and sits down at the table, then Ryan, and even Debby. Her hesitation still shows profoundly but Brendon is willing to welcome her any way he can. He's brushing over it all, especially since their new-found acceptance has brought some sort of relaxation to his work life.

"So," Ryland starts as soon as he takes his sandwich out of the container. "How was your birthday?"

Brendon smiles in a careful manner. "It was really, really good." He says. "Definitely the best one I've had so far." Thinking about it further and remembering what they had done for him here, he continues. "And thank you for the cupcakes and cards, that. . . That meant a lot to me."

Everyone at the table gives him a small grin, nothing needing to be said, this is enough.

"It must have been a really good birthday," Luke comments. "I don't think I've ever seen you this happy."

Brendon chuckles, shrugging. "I feel good."

"That's good." Luke assures.

It doesn't take long for the conversation to shift; they go from talking about Luke's wedding plans (which he has few of since he only just proposed) to talking about Ryland and Shane's date night, as well as the fact that Ryan and Debby went clubbing during the weekend.

It's good. It's fine. It's casual, and to Brendon, that's all that matters.

He heads back to his cubicle after lunch with a lifted conscience. Today hasn't been that bad without Tyler and Josh, work hasn't been that bad, so perhaps the rest of the week will go smoothly. He's sure he can last a few more days like this until heading to his mom's this weekend.

Definitely.

***

By the time Brendon gets to his apartment, he is immediately gathering clothes together in order to take a shower. He gets some gym shorts, boxers, and whatever clean shirt he has left, heading into the bathroom.

He undresses, goes through the routine, a planned sabotage, it seems. It's no different this time around, either.

Brendon is naked, staring, wondering if this is enough to make it to the next stage in his life. One where he's not only comfortable mentally, but physically. Is he okay with this being what Tyler and Josh are going to see? A fair amount of bones with skin and minimal fat? Blemishes here and there, especially-- Brendon eyes move downwards-- right there. And there.

He thinks this might just be it. He has to be okay with this, and maybe he is starting to accept that. His body does everything for him; drinks, sleeps, walks, works, creates, loves. Without it, he wouldn't be able to hold Josh at night even if he shivers, and without it, he wouldn't be able to cry when Tyler opens up to him, even if it's embarrassing.

Brendon supposes that slowly but surely, he is coming to terms with the fact that he is going to live in this body forever. Perhaps now is the time to appreciate it, and god, take care of it. Let it be touched and let it thrive, like he has always wanted to in the first place.

It wouldn't hurt him to try.

With that in mind, he steps into the shower, singing one of The Beatles' songs softly to himself. It's a sense of hope even when Brendon can't always find it.

***

The next few days are fine. Brendon spends Tuesday evening at Hayley's apartment while her, him, and Jack play Go Fish. Wednesday, Brendon does nothing but lay in his bed (which, still, is in the livingroom) and watch Netflix, and Thursday night-- well, tonight is Thursday night.

He still can't find a single good thing to do, so he takes a hit of his wax pen for the hell of it and does the same as the previous night. He gets about three episodes into a show, too, before his phone rings beside him, and when Brendon picks it up and sees it's Josh, he answers quickly.

"Hey," he gets out.

Josh smiles. "Hey, baby." He says so softly, lolling his head back.

"What's up?" Brendon wonders. He grabs the remote after a moment and pauses the show on screen, looking back down at Josh.

Josh shrugs. "Nothin' much. We're just working while listening to Death Cab for Cuties' entire discography because we have nothing better to do." When he says that, he places his phone down onto the desk, and Brendon is able to see Tyler in the background, eyes drawn to their computer far too intensely. Brendon has gotten used to it, though; the intensity when they're concentrated.

And, he finds himself smiling when he sees that they have his hoodie on still.

When Brendon accidentally ends up saying nothing, Josh continues. "Brend, guess what,"

Brendon hums at first, then speaks. "What?"

Josh's face pops into view once more, grin spreading wide, mischevious, excited. "Tyler's wearing their ass pants again." As soon as those words come out of his mouth, Tyler is chuckling, shaking their head, always amused by Josh at any time. "You know what that means."

Brendon nods to himself. "It's a good night for you."

Tyler rolls their eyes at that, finally looking Josh's direction. "I'm only wearing them because I have no other comfortable pants to put on," they mention. "I need to do laundry."

"If that means I get to see you in your ass pants, I sure do hope you refrain from doing laundry a little bit longer." Josh is relentless. Brendon knows it, but Tyler knows it most.

"You are crazy." They murmur.

"Crazy for you." Josh replies, which was definitely called for.

"Such a horn-dog." Tyler states afterwards, dismissing their husband's last response, and Brendon chuckles when they say so, because it's true.

"So what if I am?" Josh retaliates.

Tyler shrugs. "I don't mind. You just wear me out."

Josh's eyebrows lift, hand raising as he speaks. "And I want you to wear me out. Then we wouldn't be having this problem!" He laughs, partially joking, partially not. Brendon is pretty sure he is acting this way because he had been 'blue-balling all night' on his birthday, and he isn't sure he has gotten any. . . Action. . . Since.

"Why does the conversation always turn so sexual when you call me," Brendon randomly brings up.

Josh looks back at the phone. "Sorry, Brend. After you leave the house, all my hormones hit me at once."

Tyler lets out a brief chuckle, shaking their head. "Josh holds himself back so much when you're around. When you go to your apartment after spending a couple of days with us, he really lets loose."

Josh scoffs. "Don't act like it isn't the same for you."

Tyler hums, eyes moving to the computer screen once more. "I never said it wasn't."

Brendon comes to the conclusion they're both horn-dogs, yet, he finds himself in a similar situation. When he's away from Tyler and Josh for a while, he starts missing them a little too much. To the point where he-- for example-- jacks off in the shower and imagines they're doing it to him instead.

Yeah. It's pretty harsh.

Brendon can't help it at this point, though.

"What are you up to?" Josh settles for asking him, probably deciding that it's best to leave it all be.

Brendon's shoulders lift, still a bit high, but it's nothing too intense. It's enough to make everything softer, more soothing, and a lot more comfortable. "I'm just watching Netflix." He utters, fixing his glasses.

Josh nods, yet after a second of examining the screen, he nearly frowns. "Bren, is your mattress still in the livingroom?"

Shit.

He gulps. "Yeah, uh," he rubs his forehead in thought. "I've just been really tired after work and haven't had the energy to put it back in my room. I'll do after the call, though."

Josh blinks. "Promise?"

Brendon messes with the skin around one of his nails. "Promise."

Josh hums, nodding. "Then I'm gonna end the call." He decides. "You better have it in your room, because if I call again tomorrow and it's not--"

Brendon sighs. "It'll be in my room. Right now."

Josh smiles. "Okay. Thank you." He kisses the camera. "Goodnight, Bren. Have a good day tomorrow. I'll see you Tuesday."

Brendon doesn't really want to say goodnight because he knows after this he has nothing else to do besides watch more TV and get high, but he says it anyways, to both Tyler and Josh, as well as kiss the camera for good measure, too. Afterwards, Josh ends the video call, leaving Brendon sighing as he sits up from the mattress, slipping his phone into his pocket.

He takes off all the pillows and blankets, laying them onto the couch, and once he does that, Brendon slowly lifts the mattress to its side and begins pushing it from the livingroom to hallway. It is proven to be much more difficult doing this alone compared to doing it with Josh; it takes him a good ten minutes to get it through his bedroom door and on the bed frame. Once he finally does, he's panting pathetically, throwing all the blankets and pillows back on it, plopping down.

He breathes in, breathes out, not sure what to do now.

Brendon considers getting up to turn the television off, but he realizes it will do it on its own, so he lays there, staring at the ceiling, thinking about Tyler and Josh as usual.

He's excited to see them Tuesday. Getting to spend their anniversary with them is definitely something a lot more intimate than normal, and that alone piques his interest. But then again, maybe he's overthinking it. Maybe he's not.

Josh did say he and Tyler ultimately just have sex by the end of the night, though.

Brendon knows they will not do anything like that Tuesday unless he gives them the permission to. Yet, as Brendon even begins considering that he will give them that permission, he realizes he never has actually taken into account how he has no idea what that will fully entail. He thinks so much about the bottoming aspect of it, and not the three-people aspect of it.

That's important, too. . .

That's nervewracking, too. . .

Brendon has never had sex before, and his first time is not only going to be with one person, but two. It has crossed his thought process. Though, he had never taken it into consideration completely.

What happens during a threesome?

He honestly is in the dark at the idea, and that's scary.

Brendon knows he should probably be educated on it a little more before doing it. That only makes sense. And now that it's on his mind, he feels himself getting anxious, taking a few steps backwards from the progress he has made throughout these five months.

He continues to lay there, head spinning with thoughts, and when he comes up with idea, he feels a shiver go down his spine, because never has he ever done that before.

Perhaps now is the time? It would be helpful. . .

**Trigger warning: sexual scenes/smut.**

Brendon sighs, certain he's at his lowest point when he finds himself reaching into his pocket and clicking on Google. The question how did I get here? floats around in his head, and that somehow doesn't stop him from typing the only thing he can think of.

Yeah, it's definitely his lowest point when he looks up "pornhub".

He's embarrassing himself, almost. He's embarrassed thinking of Josh and Tyler ever seeing him like this. He's embarrassed when seeing all the nudity and graphic images immediately. He's embarrassed going past that and searching "gay threesome".

As soon as he does, he turns off his phone and drops it on his stomach, shaking his head with a tight throat.

What is he doing? What is he doing?

Is this seriously the only solution he can think of? Maybe he should. . . Read an article or something. Is there even articles about this shit? God. He's a mess.

Brendon ultimately picks his phone back up after a moment and carries on.

There's pages full of videos. It's just a matter of what piques his interest and how willing he is.

At this time, he is pretty willing.

Brendon makes sure to turn his volume down relatively low, to not humiliate himself any further, and with that, his eyes are lit up by a scene that would make his mother have a heart attack if she ever caught him doing this earlier in life. It's something that makes his own heart feel like giving out, only because it's settling. The reality. The situation. The truth behind every gag and groan. There is no easing into it either; as soon as Brendon had clicked on the video, it began immediately. He watches with tense hands when seeing a man on his knees, and they become even more tense when the other two men take turns quite literally using his mouth.

Brendon swallows thickly, pulse sporadic as he sees it unfold. It worsens when he catches tears build in one of the guy's eyes-- it's. . . Intense. Something Brendon fears.

Still, he persists. Barely blinking as the next scene takes place. It's sex. It's the same two men using the other in another way. It's abrupt. It's fast. It's one behind the other. It's one in the front. It's one in the middle.

When he hears the Middle-Guy call the Front-Guy "daddy," he turns the volume completely down, not enjoying that whatsoever.

He, then, watches in silence.

There's a view of everything that's taking place behind-- Middle-Guy taking everything from behind.

There's the reality of it.

That's what makes Brendon's mind feel numb. He views the entire thing to the end, the finishing scene, the flushed faces, the mess.

Brendon licks his lips, clicking off the video only to go to another one.

And if he thought the first video was intense, he was wrong.

It's the same position as before, the only difference being the fact that the man behind the other one is relentless. Slapping. Skin red and pink, yet met with a face full of pleasure when it is shown. Not simply that, either, because the man in the front is pulling hair, so hard Brendon is able to see his knuckles turn white. He's controlling the guy like a puppet, pulling his head up and down to please himself.

Brendon has a different thought process during this. He watches carefully and intently since he knows for a fact Josh enjoys his hair being pulled, which he has never once criticized him for, and he won't do it now.

He's flustered, as well, when a tingle runs from his spine to between his thighs, because accidentally, he starts to imagine Josh. He can't help it. Not when the person in the video has curly brown hair just like him, and not when he's even built somewhat like Josh, too.

Brendon clears his throat, shoving his face into a pillow that still manages to hold the scent of his cologne. It's faint; he doesn't care. He breathes it in, letting out a strained noise, toes curling as he continues to watch what is happening on screen. It's all so rough and he finds himself wondering if this is anything similar to what Josh and Tyler like (besides the obvious parts) because he himself isn't quite sure about his opinions on it.

That isn't stopping him from getting hard, he then thinks.

Brendon, once again, watches until the very end of the video, finding it weird how the two dominating the situation almost never interact. It's like they are there to only use this one person and are pleased with that.

He doesn't like it.

He knows himself that he wants to interact with both Josh and Tyler any chance he gets, and a situation like this would be no different.

Brendon carries on, deciding that watching one more video wouldn't hurt. The aching between his thighs has only worsened throughout these last few minutes though, and he tries to ignore it, but it doesn't help that he just continues to get more turned on since he is quite literally watching porn. And it definitely doesn't help that he's still thinking about Josh as he sees a hand being wrapped around someone's throat, reminding Brendon of what happened during his birthday.

He swallows thickly, eyes falling shut, hand creeping down to his shorts.

Brendon can't control the need pulling at his limbs. He palms himself after dropping his phone on the bed, still watching from the corner of his eye, yet ultimately is concentrated on getting off more than anything.

His hand does not feel nearly as good as Tyler's, either. But, it will do.

Brendon does it a few times before looking at the screen again only to see the guy who was being choked now being fingered, making him consider that. . . Maybe he should do so himself. Tyler did say it's important for him to grow accustom to it. . . And he did well when they did it to him. . . So he should be fine doing it on his own, right?

Brendon comes to a hard yes when he remembers how good it felt in the end.

He's definitely not thinking straight as he reaches into the bedside table and pulls out the lube he was gifted, far too overcome with lust to stop himself now.

Brendon isn't so sure how to do it himself, embarrassingly enough. He decides to turn to his side, watching the video briefly until he pushes his shorts and boxers down in the slightest, Adam's apple bobbing, hand moving slow as he pops the bottle open and squirts some into the palm of his hand. He first rubs it on his frontside, knowing he can get off that way if all else fails, and hesitantly, he is squirting some more onto a few fingers on his left hand.

It's at this time he feels the guilt of doing this again. Just a couple months ago he hadn't been touching himself at all, and now, he thinks about it half of the days throughout the week.

But maybe it's good for him. He always holds everything in, this is just another way of releasing it.

Brendon agrees with what.

With this is mind, he slowly brings his hand to his backside, rubbing, exhaling, knowing that it won't be nearly as good as when Tyler does it, yet trusting himself to do so anyways.

His eyes close and nose scrunches as he pushes a finger in nice and steady, almost forgetting how this felt like, but reminded in a postive way. He doesn't waste time to move in and out as carefully as possible, because Brendon is well-aware that he never lasts long. It's different. It's exciting. His right hand begins moving to stroke himself as well, and already, it's a beautiful combination.

Brendon groans in a small manner, pushing his face farther into the pillow to breathe Josh's cologne in as best as he can. He thinks about him, thrusting into his fist harder the more he does, because he can't get enough. Josh is not even here and it somehow feels like he is.

Without much thought either, Brendon is pushing another finger right beside the other, a sense of fulfillment flowing through him at that. It's good. He moves in and out from behind, forward and backwards in the front. He isn't thinking at all. He's enjoying it. Going along for ride. So-much-so it begins to stop feeling like himself doing all the work at one point.

Josh feels good, and Tyler is doing so well. They're both going to make him cum.

He groans another time, airily, quiet, wanting the two of them so bad it burns. From his abdomen to his throat. He curls his toes as he pumps more harshly, arches his back and almost squirms when his fingers are like heaven.

Brendon is in paradise at the moment. Not to be disturbed.

Head cloudy, brows tight, lips parted, he gasps. Thrust, hit, gasp. Thrust, touch, gasp. Thrust, thrust, hit, moan. Fuck. Another thrust, another touch, another hit, another thrust, one final hit-- he's a mess. Makes a mess. Spills into his hand and shakes like he is in the cold.

Brendon bites down on the pillow as he trembles, seeing stars if he focuses hard enough.

Fuck. It's all he can think of. Fuck.

He never knows how to cope after something like this. He's laying here, panting, ribs caving in on him every time he inhales. Brendon only feels capable of snuggling his face further into the pillow and take a couple seconds to recollect himself.

Slowly, too, he's slipping his fingers out.

"Fuck," he whispers to no one.

He closes his eyes, almost wants to fall asleep, but knows he can't. He needs to shower now, badly. His whole lower side is gross and covered in lube.

Brendon gets out of bed once he has relaxed a little more, heading straight to the bathroom. He washes his hands at the sink before undressing, and when looking in the mirror, he meets eyes with a nude man flushed from his thighs all the way to his ears.

It's something he is able to dismiss more than he usually can.

**Trigger warning over.**

Brendon, then, is drowned out before he is able to let his mind take a toll on him. The hot water washes away all of his worries, takes his guilt, leaves him to feel relieved opposed to ashamed. It's new, something he can get used to, and by the time he is out of the shower he doesn't have the energy to find clean clothes, so he simply goes to bed naked.

That is also something new for him.

He doesn't forget to close the tabs on his phone and plug it in before crashing; his paranoia is too bad to let that slip.

***

Brendon shifts uncomfortably in his chair a few times throughout work, but especially during lunch, where the seats are wooden and not cushioned whatsoever. He tries his hardest to be subtle about it, but of course, it doesn't work. Luke pipes up before anyone else can.

"Are you okay, Brendon?"

He huffs, rubbing his forehead. Trying to come up with something. "Yeah, sorry." He murmurs. "My back is killing me, I'm trying to get comfortable."

It must be believable enough because everyone nods and carries on, which is a relief.

Though, Brendon simply wishes he woke up to Tyler rubbing his tailbone the same way they did this past weekend. It was comforting, soothing, and whether it actually helped or not, it convinced Brendon it did.

He'll have to do it to himself when he gets back to the apartment.

***

Brendon doesn't do it himself. He packs a bag and goes to the retirement home early, and without an explanation, as they are at the table for dinner, Brendon leans over to Carina and asks, "Can you do me a favor?"

She looks away from her mom and instead meets eyes with Brendon. "What's up?"

Brendon blinks. "Um," he doesn't care if it's a weird thing to ask; him and Carina are close friends. They've done a lot more than this, too. Asking for this is nothing. "Do you think you can rub my tailbone? It hurts. I don't know."

Carina chuckles, nodding. "Yeah, I can." She says, easily.

Brendon gives her a small smile. "Thanks," he utters, resting his head into his arms as soon as she begins to rub that area through his shirt. It's good. He closes his eyes and enjoys the consolation it brings, not needing to think about how Tyler did this, because it is just as calming either way.

"Why does your tailbone hurt?" Carina wonders after a second, casual.

Brendon shrugs. "The pain in my back is getting worse." That's true.

Carina hums. "I think you're lying."

Brendon opens his eyes to look at her. "I'm not lying."

Carina squints her eyes slightly, examining him, a tug at her lips. "Yeah, you are."

Brendon's brows pull together. Although she's catching him easily, it's not as though he is lying. He's just not telling the exact truth of the situation. That's not lying. "Why do you think I'm lying?"

Carina shrugs. "For one, you're a bad liar. I can see right through you." She states, making Brendon roll his eyes. "And two. . . Your back usually hurts the most at the middle or top, never the bottom. Which leads me to believe you did something while you were gone that provoked this." She leans closer. "Do you know who I think did this?"

Brendon feels his body go hot. "Carina," he disputes, flustered. "No. No. Tyler and Josh didn't do anything with me."

She purses her lips. "Not even on your birthday? It seemed like they were going to." She jokes, but Brendon's face flushes. She gasps. "Brendon!"

He shakes his head immediately. "We didn't do that." He discloses. "Not that that."

Carina's brows are raised as high as can be, absolutely shocked. "So you did something, though?"

Brendon is burning up, closing his eyes again. He shrugs in response, not knowing what to say, and Carina is practically flabbergasted. Perhaps he should be, too, because he never thought this would happen, in all honesty. "Yes." He murmurs finally. "But I'm not sore from that. Just. . . Please rub my tailbone." He gets out.

Carina chuckles. "Okay, I believe you." She says, continuing to soothe that part of his body once more.

Brendon is at ease again, far too focused on this to think about finishing the rest of his soup.

"Tyler and Josh are helping you grow so much as a person," Carina mentions suddenly, so soft it's almost to herself. "You're completely different than you were a few months ago, in the best way possible." Brendon's heart swells as he listens to her, never really taking this into account before. "They're helping you be comfortable in your own body. That's what you deserve."

Brendon can't find the words to respond so he slowly goes to hold her free hand, squeezing it.

He hasn't ever thought about the difference a few months has done to him besides the more. . . Intimate ways. Yet if Carina sees him growing as a person after knowing him all these years, it must mean something, and it does. Whether he has realized it or not, Tyler and Josh are helping him grow in more ways than one. He has a voice he is willing to start using more often, and he has a body he is willing to love. Brendon isn't sure he would ever reach this point if it wasn't for them, and that alone is a huge milestone.

He, for the first time in his life, is starting to be comfortable in his skin, and he only has two people to thank for that.

Brendon smiles to himself.

Happy.

***

I just wanted to clear up something in case anyone will wonder; the reason Brendon does not think about Tyler throughout the 'porn scene' is because, unlike Josh, none of the actors reminded him of them. Although Tyler is dominant, which is seen as very masculine, Brendon doesn't associate them with men. Therefore, throughout the scene, he isn't thinking about them (not in a bad way.)