TRIGGER WARNINGS:

- A lot of anxiety.
- Brief anxiety attack.

***

Brendon wakes up to the chorus of Don't You Want Me by The Human League blasting in his ear, and immediately, he's groaning in aggravation. He doesn't know what time it is, all he knows is that it's way too early for this, and what makes it even worse is when he blinks his eyes open and is practically blinded by the sunlight coming through the window.

"What the fuck," is all he gets out.

That's when he feels Josh who's still (surprisingly) in his arms, stretch out his legs with a soft moan.

"Good morning." He mutters, slapping his hand around the couch until he can find his phone to shut the alarm off. Afterwards, he turns back to Brendon and smiles lazily. "You have drool on your chin." He whispers.

Brendon's eyes are barely open and yet he already catches how cocky Josh is.

It's really too early for this.

He ends up wiping his chin off with the back of his hand.

Josh chuckles, staring at Brendon for a moment before leaning closer until their lips meet.

Brendon might be a little delirious and potentially half asleep, yet that doesn't stop him from catching how bad Josh's breath smells. Still, he kisses him anyways. There's nothing he'd rather do than kiss him-- well, he'd like to kiss Tyler too. . . Still, his point stands.

He gets caught up in it even if it's not as appealing as usual. Josh caresses his face after a moment too, kissing him one last time before turning around to do the same with Tyler.

"Don't kiss me." Brendon hears immediately. "Brendon may like your gross breath, but I don't."

"You're such an asshole." Josh whines.

Tyler hums. "Let's brush our teeth and I can do a lot more than kiss you." Their voice if muffled. Brendon can't exactly see them but he's sure they have most of their face pressed into a pillow, just giving Josh their signature stare down.

"You're nasty." Josh whispers, laughing lightly to himself despite that.

"Not as nasty as your breath,"

Josh rolls over to his back when they say that, staring at the ceiling with a pouted lip. "Why do you hate me?"

Tyler chuckles, sitting up a little so they can press their lips against his jaw. Their dynamic has Brendon completely captivated, as usual. "Why are you such a baby?"

"I am not a baby." Josh grumbles.

Tyler smirks, kissing his jaw again and finally sitting up all the way. They take a quick look at Brendon before pushing a strand of Josh's hair behind his ear, a gleam in their eyes. "Do you want me to do your hair again before you leave?"

Josh doesn't answer for a moment. He thinks about it, continuing to stare at the ceiling. "Yeah." He utters.

Tyler nods. "Okay." They say it so softly. Brendon knows it has to do with the fact that Josh does get in a more sensitive headspace in the morning, which, honestly, both Brendon and Tyler find cute. Brendon especially, only because Tyler becomes the kind of person he knows they are deep down inside. Soft, nurturing, loving. "Well, start getting ready. I'll do it once you're done."

Josh gives them a smile, sitting up and moving close enough to kiss them.

But, Tyler pulls away.

"Not until you brush your teeth."

Josh groans, pushing himself up from the mattress. "Fuck you." He picks at the frontside of his boxers once he's stood, readjusting. "Fix your attitude while I do it, yeah?" He turns to Brendon. "Is it alright if I use your toothpaste?"

Brendon almost laughs at how quick his demeanor changed. "Yes, Josh." He murmurs.

Josh nods, eyebrows knotted, arms crossed over his chest. He's trying to seem upset; he's really just a brat, yet Brendon can't be surprised because Tyler has called him that many times before. He supposes he's finally starting to see it now.

"Thank you." He huffs, turning on his heel and walking out the room.

Instantly, Brendon and Tyler are both laughing lightly to themselves. Tyler scoots closer to Brendon, filling the gap where Josh had been laying the whole night, and when Tyler touches his waist, his mind is already spinning.

"He's crazy," Tyler whispers, snuggling their nose into Brendon's neck.

"A brat." He responds.

Tyler sighs, happy, at ease. "Yes," they reply. "But I wouldn't have it any other way."

Brendon hums, nearly in agreement, mostly because he had already known that. They're so in love. And, god, Brendon is certain Josh's attitude only makes Tyler love him even more. If there is one thing he has learned throughout their relationship thus far, it's that Tyler adores being able to take care of anything and everything. Anyone, especially. Josh. They can always take care of Josh, and that's the way they like it.

"How are you feeling?" Tyler wonders after a moment.

Brendon catches their breath against his skin, reminding him of the previous night. It makes their question clearer; he understands.

He's also not sure how to respond to that, though.

"Brend?" Tyler persists.

He swallows thickly, biting the inside of his mouth. "I feel weird." He admits.

Tyler doesn't seem surprised. They nod, actually, kissing his neck a few times, rubbing their nose on his skin. It's calming-- arousing. Everything appears to be at this point. "In which way?"

It's too early for this.

Brendon breathes in, breathes out. "I didn't think I would ever do that." He tells them. "I don't know. . . I don't want to say something stupid, or. . . Pathetic. Embarrassing." Anything that comes from his mouth is embarrassing, what is he going on about? This, right now, is embarrassing. "Sorry."

Tyler shakes their head. "Nothing you're feeling is embarrassing. Believe me." Their hand comes to rest in his hair, fingers natural as they play with a strand. "Are you sore?"

Brendon hasn't exactly moved an inch because he's terrified of that.

He shrugs.

Tyler hums. "Do you want to know what I do with Josh when he's sore?"

Brendon's heart beats even louder, body hot. "Okay." He whispers.

They nod along. "I need you to face me," they comment. Brendon has left his back against the mattress the whole time in fear that if he moves, even a second, there will be pain. Maybe not pain, but an uncomfortable sensation. He's sure there will be. He's sensitive. Extremely, extremely sensitive. And he knows his sensitivity has probably heightened over the last twenty-four hours because he pushed his body in a way he never has before.

Nonetheless, he slowly turns his body once Tyler pulls their face out of his neck. It's not comfortable. Not at all, and immediately, he's letting out a rough noise, sticking his own face into Tyler's bare chest. They're so warm.

"It's okay," they murmur. Their hand carefully moves down to his tailbone, slipping under his shirt. "I'm going to rub right here, is that alright?"

Brendon is fine with anything right now.

He nods.

Their fingers begin soothing his skin instantly. Up and down, from his back to the slightest bit inside his shorts, which could be alarming, and it is the first few times, but Brendon supposes he shouldn't fret about it considering their hand was literally completely down his pants last night, doing something much more provocative than this.

It's calming, actually.

His eyes fall shut after a while, breath relaxed, shoulders loosening from the tension he had put them in. Although his heart is beating sporadically as usual because that sliver of anxiety never seems to go away, he is at ease. Thankful. Thankful that Tyler is so caring and gentle.

"Is it stupid that I'm sore from that. . ." Brendon voices. Quietly.

Tyler shakes their head, using their free hand to connect the two of theirs together. Give Brendon that reassurance he needs. "It was your first time doing anything like that. Ever." They state, making Brendon's cheeks feel a little bit warmer simply because them saying it outloud makes it surreal. "And you did so, so well."

Brendon grumbles, closing his eyes. "Stop."

Tyler let's out a light chuckle. "What?"

"Don't-- I don't know."

"Don't tell you that you did well?" They wonder, almost playfully. Brendon doesn't respond. Tyler knows the answer. "You need to get used to it. You did do well, and I'm going to tell you that. Praise you."

"Why praise me?" Brendon gets out.

Tyler's hand stops rubbing at his skin. "Look at me," they mutter. Brendon is comfortable pressed against their chest but ultimately he does listen and do exactly what he's told, sheepish when he meets their eyes. "It's what I'm meant to do." They say it intently. "I make you feel good, and I take care of you. I hold you and tell you how well you did. Tell you how hot you sounded so you can understand that I love it just as much as you." Brendon is still a little tired from waking up, and definitely a little confused about what Tyler is trying to get across. "It's how I can support you. Make you comfortable."

"Tyler," he whispers. Not sure what to say.

They only shake their head, so Brendon slowly leans his own back onto their chest, breathing out the anxiety and confusion. He's settling into the progression.

"I'm okay with it." Brendon suddenly concludes.

Tyler stays silent.

"I'm just not used to it. . ." He mentions. Which is true. He's not. And it's going to take some time for him to finally get comfortable with someone praising him for such foreign things. Yet, soon, they might not be so foreign to him.

"I know." They mutter. Soft.

Brendon nods, heart beating quickly. He's overwhelmed. "Okay," he mumbles. "Now keep rubbing 'cause it feels good."

Tyler laughs. "Whatever you say." As soon as their hand starts putting some pressure against his skin, making Brendon exhale out of relief, they're immediately interrupted by Josh coming back into the room and shouting: "Tyler, do my hair!"

Tyler stops rubbing his skin.

Brendon, then, exhales out of aggravation.

"Yes, Josh." Tyler replies, lifting them and Brendon's connected hands to kiss his knuckles before standing up from the mattress. It's cold after that. Saddening. He feels weird that he has no form of comfort, especially from them, and now he's beginning to understand what they were talking about.

Tyler moves to sit on the couch instead, opening their legs enough for Josh to sit between them.

They untangle the hair tie that was stuck in the thickness of his curls, using their fingers to take out the knots they find. Brendon watches it all. Blinking. Breathing. Sore. Ouch.

"How are you feelin', Bren?" Josh asks.

"Cold." He says.

Josh chuckles, smile so big and bright that Brendon feels a warmth he'd been missing. "I'll make sure to hold you nice and tight before I leave." He declares. "Partially because you're cold, mostly because I'm gonna miss you today and want to touch you for as long as possible beforehand."

"Don't leave." Brendon practically whines. Maybe he is a baby in the morning like Tyler says.

"I gotta," Josh huffs.

"No."

The corner of Josh's lips curl upwards. "Maybe we can have lunch together later today?"

Brendon nods. "Yeah."

Josh nods as well. "Okay. We can do that." He grins. "But I'm probably gonna be with my sister, just so you know."

The thought of being around any member of Josh's family makes his body tense. He knows for a fact they're all nice, Josh and Tyler reassure him any time it's brought up, but he can't help the nerves. Being around them, especially when they have no idea about their actual relationship. . . It's terrifying. Holding Josh's hand and resting his head on Tyler shoulder has become natural for him-- what if he does it and ruins everything. Rushes everything. Makes Josh and Tyler's relationship with their family go downhill.

Still, he pushes the anxiety aside. "Which sister?"

"Abby." Josh says. "You two met."

It's a little relieving. "Yeah. Okay."

"I'll message you once I have it figured-- ouch, Ty!" Josh winces, leaning away from his spouse when they pull his hair while putting it back into a bun.

Tyler rolls their eyes. "Shut up. Don't act as if getting your hair pulled hurts you anymore."

Josh frowns. "That did actually hurt."

"Sure."

Josh grumbles, sitting comfortably again after a moment. He has this sour look on his face the rest of the time Tyler spends doing his hair, only because he is a brat. Just like both Brendon and Tyler stated previously.

"I'm done." Tyler says.

Josh doesn't let out a word in response, he only stands up and immediately goes to slip onto Tyler's lap. A leg on either side of them, arms wrapping around their neck.

Tyler looks up at him. "Hi, handsome."

Their hands move naturally to grab his ass. Josh doesn't mind-- of course he doesn't. Tyler's palms rest right there, eyes hooded as they stare, and finally, Josh gets exactly what he has wanted all morning when he leans down and kisses them. A peck, then something long and tender.

Tyler pulls away to smile. "What's up with you this morning?"

"I've been blue balling all night, give me a break." Josh murmurs.

Tyler chuckles at that, and Brendon shakes his head, closing his eyes. "God forbid you don't get as much attention as usual during Brendon's birthday." Tyler jokes.

Josh huffs. "As a bottom, I should be guaranteed attention."

Brendon's body is so hot when he says that. He doesn't know how to feel. Things are becoming tremendously blatant to him now that he has been exploring with his sexuality a little more, and he's trying his hardest to go along with it opposed to be anxious.

It's hard not to be anxious when you have a literal anxiety disorder, though.

Tyler laughs airily through their nose. "Go get changed."

Josh let's out a heavy, irritated breath. "Kiss me one more time, at least. Pretty please?"

"Since you asked so nicely." They comment, and Brendon opens his eyes back up just in time to see the two of them meet lips. Love one another. Make chills run up Brendon's spine because they're both only in their underwear and it's so much skin, so much tension, so much lust.

His mind is clouded. It's all their fault.

When Josh stands up from Tyler's lap and walks over to his clothes at the corner of the room, he looks to Brendon. "Did you have a good birthday?" He asks, beginning to slip on his jeans.

"Best one yet," he whispers.

Josh smiles cheekily. "Good."

Brendon spends the next however many minutes watching Josh get ready to leave. Once he has his jeans on, zipped and all, he's buttoning up his white collared shirt and is tying his brown boots. He stands up from the floor once he's done, quickly plopping down on the mattress beside Brendon afterwards, holding him nice and tight.

"I wish I could stay," he murmurs.

Brendon nods, caressing the side of his head, holding it to his chest. He likes getting to hold Josh like this. Protect him the way Tyler protects the two of them. "I'll see you for lunch."

"Mhm." Josh's nose ring is cold against his skin. "And I think Tyler's probably gonna stay here for as long as they can before having to leave."

"I'm okay with that." Brendon comments.

"I know you are." Josh chuckles. After a second, he turns to their spouse. "What time is it, Ty?"

They pick up the closest phone to them. Brendon is pretty sure it's his own, yet he doesn't care. He has nothing to hide. "Almost nine-thirty."

Josh groans, nodding. "I gotta go."

Brendon's sad. He wants him here. Both of them.

Nonetheless, he says, "Okay." And the two of them pull away, close enough to look at one another, sad enough to lean forward and kiss. A few times. Once, to start. Twice, to say goodbye. Thirdly, for good measure.

"I'll see you at lunch." Josh assures. With that, he stands up from the mattress, walking over Tyler. "I love you." He tells them. He presses his lips against theirs, and as he is walking away, Tyler's hand flies to smack his butt.

"I love you too." They say, smirking.

Josh chuckles, rubbing the place where Tyler slapped before heading to the front of the room. "Don't have too much fun without me." He says. Afterwards, he's out the door, leaving Brendon with a heavy feeling in his chest. He doesn't want Josh to leave.

But, he's gone.

Brendon huffs, shoving his face into a pillow.

He can hear Tyler stand up from the couch, walking closer to him. He expects for them to lay down beside him and maybe rub at his tailbone again, yet, he's ends up being surprised when he feels them sit down on his thighs-- straddle him. Slowly, he removes the pillow covering his face, and hesitantly, he meets their eyes.

Brendon has no idea why he is so nervous right now, but god, he is. Maybe it has to do with he fact that he's feeling especially vulnerable at the moment because of everything that took place last night. He never really expected to do anything like that, and there he was, doing it, liking it.

It's a lot to handle.

"What's wrong?" Tyler whispers.

Brendon's heart beats harshly. "What do you mean?"

They shrug, hand going to push his hair back, finger trailing down to his lips. "I feel like something is wrong." They admit. "Are you okay?"

Brendon swallows thickly, biting the inside of his cheek. "I'm just feeling really overwhelmed. And-and it's not you or Josh, trust me. It's me." His hands timidly move to hold Tyler's hips, hoping it's something that won't make them uncomfortable. They don't seem to mind. "It's. . . I don't know. It's really overwhelming to know that I-I-I actually did that. And I'm scared?"

God, he sounds so fucking stupid.

Tyler's eyes examine his state, thumb rubbing his bottom lip. "Should I have done something differently?"

Instantly, Brendon shakes his head. "No. Not at all." He reassures. "I liked it a lot, Tyler. I think that's what's scaring me."

Brendon watches as a small tug pulls at their lips when he says that. Tyler nods. "I think what you're feeling is completely normal." They state. "You've been stressing yourself out about all of this for so long that you're almost in shock, because it went well. You made yourself believe it was bigger than it actually was, and from that, you're overwhelmed."

Brendon stares up at them, chest tight. It feels as though Tyler just looked inside his soul and spued everything out. "I think so. . ."

Tyler hums. "Bren," they murmur. "You're okay. I know it's hard, but you need to learn to enjoy things, try things. You psych yourself out too much." They slowly move to hold the hands they have at his waist. "If you liked getting fingered, so what? We're allowed to enjoy things sexually."

Brendon's throat is tight, cheeks hot, hands clammy. "I did like it." He mumbles.

Saying that outloud takes a toll on him. His body is burning up from embarrassment, and still, Tyler smiles, nodding.

"Good, because I liked fingering you."

Jesus-fucking-Christ.

His heart needs a break. It's making his whole chest sting from how hard it's pounding against his ribcage.

"Do you mind if I. . . Smoke." Brendon wonders suddenly. This is a lot, can you blame him? He's about to wait for a response but he quickly realizes he didn't exactly specify, so he's sputtering out the rest in a panic. "Weed. Not, like, a cigarette."

Tyler only stares down at him. "Brendon, you don't need to ask for my permission."

His Adam's apple bobs. "I don't want to do anything that might make you uncomfortable."

"It's okay. I'm okay with it." They assure.

Brendon nods. "Thank you."

Tyler nods as well, squeezing his hands for a moment before they slip off of his lap, allowing him to move freely.

Brendon takes a moment to sit up, and even longer to stand. And, yeah, that uncomfortable sensation he anticipated does come back, but he's sure the weed will dwell it out once it kicks in, so he tries to ignore it.

"I'll be right back." He mutters, walking down the hall and into his bedroom after that.

He gets everything he needs. He grabs his bong first, then lighter, and finally, his grinder. Before leaving he makes sure to check to see if he has any weed leftover in it or if he'd need to bring more, but there's a good amount left so he deems it enough and heads back into the livingroom. Tyler's eyebrows raise in the slightest when they see him come in, almost amused-- probably amused.

"You know," they start, as he sits back down onto the mattress. "I think it's cute."

"Think what's cute?" Brendon wonders.

"That you're a little stoner." They chuckle, slowly laying their hand onto his thigh.

Brendon rolls his eyes, shaking his head as he begins packing the bowl with grinded weed. "You're weird."

Tyler shrugs. "So I've been told."

Brendon hums, completely immersed in this, but that doesn't stop him from feeling awkward knowing that Tyler is about to watch him actively get as high as the birds in the sky. He tries to think of something to distract him, and he decides to maybe continue with a conversation, yet the only thing he can possibly think to ask is probably ridiculous.

Whatever. So is he.

"Have you ever. . . Gotten high?"

Tyler shrugs another time. "Yeah."

For some reason, even though Brendon is the one who asked, he's surprised. "Really?" He gets out, meeting eyes with them for a moment.

Tyler chuckles. "Yeah." They repeat. "Why are you so surprised by that?"

Brendon sticks his bottom lip out. "I don't know. You just don't seem like the type." As soon as he says that though, he suddenly remembers that not too long ago, Tyler was so drunk they couldn't even walk on their own, and he quickly comes to the conclusion that he shouldn't judge Tyler as much as he does.

Tyler stares, blinks, hums. "I mean, I used to do it a lot. Josh and I." They lean their back against the couch, still looking at Brendon. "College sucked. I needed something to make it better." They mutter.

"Why did you stop?"

"I eventually didn't need it anymore. Not even for fun." They disclose.

Brendon almost forgets that marijuana isn't always used for medical reasons. It has impacted his life so much to the point where he can't see how he would use it any way other than settling his nerves.

He dismisses it, not even warning Tyler before he lights the bowl and sticks his mouth at the top, breathing in the smoke, closing his eyes as he pulls the bowl out after a moment. It's been a while since he has smoked from a bong-- and fuck it's already burning his throat.

He coughs, god, he coughs. He can't stop coughing and Tyler just watches. He supposes it's because they understand. Still, their fingers soothe his thigh, trying to comfort him subtly.

Once Brendon finally stops, he clears his throat, looking at Tyler with a blush at his cheeks. "Fuck,"

Tyler cracks a smile, and slowly, they both laugh lightly together.

When it settles down, Brendon throws his head back and looks at them, blinking every so often, holding the bong in his hands. "Do you have anything to do today?"

Tyler shrugs. "Dallon is supposed to come over to the house around noon so we can work, but I think I'm going to message him and postpone it to tomorrow, because, well, I'd rather be here with you, and. . . Fuck him."

Brendon smiles. "I like it when you cuss." He randomly mentions.

Tyler's eyebrows pull together in confusion. "Why?"

Brendon shrugs, already feeling everything get a bit fuzzy. Only a little. "I don't know." He murmurs. "You're always so precise with everything you say, it's just relieving when you do. And funny."

Tyler chuckles. "Funny?"

"Yeah." Brendon closes his eyes, laughing quietly to himself. "When you cuss, I really feel it."

Tyler's brows raise, shaking their head. "You are a weirdo."

"A fucking weirdo?"

Tyler nods. "A fucking weirdo."

Brendon is happy. He carefully lifts the bong back up and takes another hit, not coughing nearly as much as before, but still enough for Tyler to continue to rub at his thigh. He likes it. It reminds him of the night before, and he can't help himself from hoping that something like that might take place again soon. Or is that too much? He has been pretty relentless lately.

By the time he takes a third hit, he's done. He coughs horribly and Tyler's touch tingles through his whole body. He loves it. He loves it so much to the point where he can't even catch himself from leaning close enough to kiss Tyler. They don't seem to care about his bad breath when he does so either, because they hold the back of his head and kiss him harder. Brendon doesn't mind. He kind of likes the thrill right now. Tyler's determined and demanding, leaving Brendon utterly invested. He kisses them with a fuzzy mind, just about to crawl into their lap-- then, the doorbell rings.

He pulls away huffing, groaning, closing his eyes in frustration.

Tyler stares at him. "Go get the door, Brendon."

He opens his eyes back up, breath seeming louder than it really is. He slowly stands from the mattress, placing his bong on the coffee table before heading over to the door, opening it.

It's Hayley and Jack.

He smiles. "Hey," he gets out.

Hayley's grin spreads across her whole face. "Hey, Brendon." She says. "You're not busy right now, are you?"

Brendon looks behind him, meeting eyes with Tyler. They don't show a single emotion; their face is blank. He looks back over to Hayley. "Not really, why?"

She shrugs. "Just checking. I wanted to give you a birthday present." She informs, hand going around Jack's shoulders. "We didn't come yesterday because I knew you were spending your day with Tyler and Josh."

Brendon nods. He's little shocked that Hayley actually got him a present. Maybe it was Jack's idea. "Uh, well, Tyler's actually here."

"Oh," Hayley gets out. "We'll come back later to give it to you, then. Sorry."

Brendon shakes his head. "No, it's okay. I can take it now."

She seems a bit hesitant but nonetheless nods. "Okay. One second, it's in my apartment." She walks off to her door and heads inside, leaving Jack and Brendon together in the doorway.

Immediately, the five year old is looking up at him. "Happy late birthday, Brendon!" He's hugging him as well as he possibly can.

"Thank you, buddy." He pats his head, finding it cute how much Jack seems to care about him. Brendon has always had a soft spot for kids, and this one is no exception. "How has your day been so far?" He asks once Jack pulls away; Brendon ends up crouching to his level.

"Momma jus' picked me up from my daddy's. I missed her. And I get to see you! I'm happy." Jack rambles.

Brendon chuckles. "I'm glad I get to see you too."

Before anything else could be said, Hayley comes back out with a plastic bag full of cookies and a homemade card taped to it. "It's not much," Hayley starts off with, slowly handing the bag to Brendon once he stands up straight again. "But I baked you chocolate chip cookies since I know it's your favorite, and Jack made you a card."

Brendon feels his heart swell. "Thank you." He smiles. "This means a lot to me." He assures, looking down at the card to see a poorly drawn picture of Jack and Brendon wearing party hats. He smiles even wider. "I'm really hungry too, so this is awesome."

Hayley is gleaming, Jack is as well. "We're glad you like it."

Brendon stares at her for a moment, deciding what to do next. He's dubious about this but he ultimately does end up leaning close enough to hug her, thank her without words. He's tremendously grateful to have someone like Hayley in his life. It's true.

When he pulls away, Hayley's lips tug upwards. "Happy late birthday." She responds. "We'll let you go now, though."

Brendon nods. "Okay. Thank you." He can't wait to eat these fucking cookies. "I'll see you when I see you."

Hayley let's out a slight laugh. "I'll see you when I see you."

Brendon nods another time, looking down at Jack, sticking out his hand. "Bye, little guy."

Jack gives him a high five. "Bye-bye!"

Brendon doesn't close the door until he watches the two of them get inside their apartment. Once he does the same, he turns on his heel and heads right back into the livingroom, plopping down on the mattress. He doesn't waste any time to rest his head on Tyler's shoulder and read the card given to him, either.

He can tell Hayley helped Jack write the note inside because the handwriting is nice, and very much readable.

Happy birthday, Brendon!

You're old but you're my best friend so it's okay. I like hanging out with you. You teach me a lot of things and it's nice. Thank you for being my friend.

From, Jack.

(PS. Sorry. Jack wanted me to write exactly what he said. - Hayley)

Brendon finds it funnier than he probably should. God he's so high right now. He closes the card and looks at the drawing at the front again, grinning wider when he examines the detail put into it. Both of their party hats have the number thirty on them, and they're eating what looks like chocolate chip cookies.

Carefully, sluggishly, Brendon looks up at Tyler. "He's a cute kid." He murmurs.

Tyler doesn't say a word, they simply shrug, so Brendon huffs and kisses their cheek more times than he can count, leaning right back onto their shoulder afterwards.

"Look," he points at the drawing. "He drew him and I with party hats." He laughs saying it outloud, blinking his eyes open a few times to concentrate as well as he can. "We're eating cookies."

Tyler hums. "I can see that."

Brendon grumbles when they finally speak up. "Ty," he whispers. "Why don't you like kids."

Tyler's shaking their head before Brendon is able to process anything else. "I'd rather talk about it when you're not stoned, and even then, I still do not want to talk about it." They say, and it's honestly the clearest they have been about the whole subject already. It's obviously something a lot deeper than they make it out to be.

"Maybe it's better that I'm high," Brendon murmurs. "So you won't feel intimidated to tell me the truth."

Tyler blinks. "Brendon, I don't think I've ever been intimidated by you."

Brendon frowns. "Okay, well. . . My point still stands."

Tyler shakes their head. Again.

Brendon sighs, slowly wrapping his arms around their frame. They're still, so, so warm. He could fall asleep like this.

"Tyler," he gets out finally. "I don't want to push you to tell me something, but I. . . I think it's important. And I want you to know that you can tell me, because I already see that it's more than what you said to Josh and I that one morning."

That's the only time he heard Tyler talk about kids. It was nothing positive. The other time besides that was when they went to return Jack's carseat and as soon as they saw him, they went into a extremely strange state of mind. Afterwards, they were cold to the touch. Never said a word to Josh or Brendon, really. Ever since then, he has wanted to get to the bottom of all of this. It hurts to watch.

Tyler sighs. "Can you look at me real quick, please?" They wonder, since Brendon's head is wedged into their neck.

He nods, slowly pulling away slightly to meet eyes with them.

They sigh another time. "I need you to listen to me." They start. "You are right. It. . . It is more than what I make it out to be. But I don't want to talk about it right now because it's something that makes me extremely sensitive, and already, I don't like that, but I also do not want to do that to you when we're enjoying a day together after your birthday."

Brendon bites the inside of his lip when they confirm his suspicions. "You can tell me anything at any time, Ty."

Tyler gives him a small smile. "I appreciate that, but it's okay."

Brendon huffs. "If I makeout with you, will you change your mind?"

Tyler blinks a few times to process everything. Did he really just say that? They're probably wondering. Brendon is so out of mind at this point it's absurd. "What's up with you, hmm?" They go with.

They recieve a shrug. "I'm so high," he whispers. Laughs. Feels stupid and annoying yet cannot stop no matter how much he tries. "And I know I'm gonna be thinking about it until you tell me." He considers it longer. "Plus, I wouldn't mind kissing you right now."

Tyler chuckles, staring lovingly into his barely-open and horribly pink eyes while they push a strand of hair behind his ear. "I guess I could tell you." They murmur. Brendon feels his heartbeat throb throughout his whole chest. "Just. . . It's not easy for me to talk about. So, I'm sorry in advance."

Brendon squeezes them tighter, kissing their shoulder, breathing them in. "I have you."

Tyler nods. Exhales.

Right when Brendon thinks they're about to explain, he hears them swallow thickly. That, followed by: "God."

Brendon feels bad as soon as that comes from their lips. Did he pressure them? Fuck. "Hey," he gets out immediately. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I didn't mean to be forceful."

Tyler shakes their head. "No, no." They assure. "I need to tell you this. I've been meaning to, especially because of what happened when I. . . You know. When I saw Hayley's kid for the first time. The way I acted was out of line."

Brendon tries to piece it together. "Do kids make you uncomfortable, or. . ."

Tyler looks hesitant. They have every right to be. "Not necessarily the kids themselves it's more so," they pause, sighing. "It's me, Bren. It's always me."

Brendon has learned throughout his time of knowing Tyler that most of their problems build from the ones they have themself. He isn't surprised anymore. How could he be?

"What do you mean?"

They scratch at their head. "I'm really, really scared of what they're going to think about me. Or say about me. I'm afraid of what their parents will think about me. I'm afraid they're going to think that I'm a bad role model. I'm afraid I'm going to make them uncomfortable. I'm afraid of all of it."

Brendon doesn't have much to say. His heart drops, though, when he hears how Tyler is so insecure about themself that it goes this far. Tyler's night genuinely got ruined because they saw a kid, and Jack did not even say a single thing that was negative. They have made up such a horrible situation in their head to where they feel unable to freely enjoy certain things.

"I don't want anyone to feel that way about me, but from everything I've experienced since I've been out, I know it happens. It's terrifying." Their Adam's apple bobs. "It sounds ridiculous. I'm sorry."

"Tyler, it's not ridiculous." He reassures. "It's just. . . Fucking depressing. Depressing that life has made you expect the worst."

That's what makes everything set in for them. Brendon watches the way their eyes gloss over and fingers run on top of their head repeatedly. "I'm so tired of living in fear." They whisper.

"You don't have to, Tyler." Brendon whispers back.

They shake their head. "I do." They say. "I'm not comfortable with myself, and very rarely, people are comfortable with me." Their eyes close. Tyler's taking it all in, breathing it all out. "It's overwhelming when you don't know where you stand in a situation."

There's a pause.

Recollection.

"Brendon, I-I don't mind kids. I really don't. What bothers me is the fact that I get misgendered, which isn't their fault-- they're young and don't know any better-- but that also adds to it. I don't want to ruin them. Force something down their throats when they're so impressionable. Who am I to tell them about myself, because. . . What if their parents don't want that?" Everyone's opinion matters to them, Brendon has learned, even when they're not aware of it. "I don't want to be around kids. I don't want their parents around me. I don't want to be a parent."

Brendon takes in all the information as much as he can. "I understand where you're coming from," he starts, smacking his lips together a few times from how dry his mouth is. "But you don't need to pull yourself away from certain instances. If you ever feel uncomfortable, of course you can, but. . . I personally think you'd be really good with kids, so maybe you should just try sometime. Hang around Jack if you get the chance. Test it out, 'cause you've been holding yourself back too much."

There's some silence. "Why?" Tyler wonders after a moment.

Brendon blinks. "Why what?"

"Why do you think I would be good with kids?" They ask. They sound uneasy, almost, and he figures it's because they have never thought very much about it. They have decided they do not want to be around kids and definitely do not want to parent one, so why would they ever consider the chance of them actually doing well with kids?

Brendon shrugs. He's trying his hardest to push through the conversation despite the marijuana wanting him to shut his mouth and relax.

"You take care of Josh and I. Really well. Who's to say it's any different for a kid?" He states.

Brendon sees the corner of their lips tug upwards, but immediately, it wobbles into a frown, and they choke up a heavy cry all in the blink of an eye. He barely has time to react before he's coddling them to his chest, holding them as tight as he can. "Tyler, what's wrong?"

They sniffle. It sounds unbelievably pained. "Josh wants to be a-a dad so badly."

That's what makes Brendon's heart tear into two. "Ty," he murmurs.

"I can't do it." They mumble into his chest. "It hurts to tell him that." They wipe their tears away, staying exactly in place so Brendon can't see their face. "I want to give him everything, and I can't. Especially not this. If my own kid ever. . ." Their breath trembles. "If my own kid ever misgendered me, or was uncomfortable with who I am-- any of that. I couldn't live with it. I'd be paralyzed knowing that."

Brendon blinks a few times, slowly unwrapping his arms around Tyler and instead lifting their head up to look at him.

"Have you ever thought about the fact that if you had a kid, your situation will be something they've always known? I don't think there'd be a chance that they couldn't respect you. They're going to grow up calling you their parent. They're going to grow up knowing you exactly the way you want them to. No one can tell them otherwise."

Tyler stares at Brendon with their own pink eyes, pink for another reason. Their face is blotchy and they're biting down on their lip. They're vulnerable. They're opening up. They're honest. They're growing.

"You're right," they mutter. "I've never thought about it that way." Tyler admits, nearly sheepish.

Brendon nods, keeping their eyes connected for a moment before leaning in and kissing them as gently as possible. He pulls away right after, rubbing their arm soothingly. "You can do whatever you please. And sometimes the best things come from fear." It kills him how much fear controls them. "I think you would be amazing."

Tyler's eyes run over him, carefully leaning their head onto his shoulder. "You're amazing." They whisper.

Brendon's heart beats loudly, sluggishly. He kisses the top of their head and chuckles to himself when their shaved hair tickles his lips. But, he dismisses it quickly. "I can be your baby right now," he says. "I just wanna be held and watch Netflix."

Tyler sits up straight. "We can do that."

Brendon nods, laying down and getting comfortable once more. The cool sheets feel so good against his skin. "You should rub my tailbone again too, that felt nice."

Tyler hums, laying down with him. It's like a puzzle piece, they fit perfectly behind him, now Brendon simply wishes Josh were here to complete it. Brendon finds the remote eventually and turns on a TV show to watch while they wait for lunch to roll around so they can complete their puzzle.

Tyler is sweetly massaging him in the meantime. Having hands on him while he's high kind of feels. . . Really good. Everything tingles and swells. It's perfect. He even catches himself letting out soft moans because of it, yet he doesn't withhold them like he might of before. This is fine. He's comfortable.

Tyler kisses his neck, then his jaw. "I guess we're saving the making out for later?"

Brendon's eyes close. He might fall asleep again.

Damn indica.

"I want to save it for Josh, too." He mumbles.

Tyler smiles. They seem to be doing better. "Good idea."

Brendon nods in response and the rest is unclear. Everything seems distant except the telivision as he watches the show, and Tyler's touch. It doesn't take long for him to doze off either, inch by inch. He just hopes Tyler will wake him up if Josh messages them about lunch. That's all he seems to care about right now.

***

Brendon stirs awake when he hears Tyler calling his name. The sun still shines through the curtains, making him squint as soon as his eyes open up, and all he can do is groan because of it. He blinks a few times, catching their face in front of him with a small smile adorning their lips.

"Ready to get up?" They ask, quietly. "Josh called for lunch."

Brendon breathes in, exhales. He nods. "Yeah," he gets out. "Where are we gonna go?"

"Chinese buffet. Is that okay?"

Brendon nods another time. He's drained, and he knows he's only sluggish because of the weed. "I guess I need to get up, then." He sighs. He kind of just wants to lay here forever. Let the mattress consume him with no more worries left.

But, he couldn't do that. He'd miss Josh and Tyler too much.

Tyler slowly gets up after a moment, reaching a hand out to him without a single word. Brendon accepts it easily once slipping on his glasses, and with that, the two of them head to the bathroom in unison. They brush their teeth together, Tyler using their finger since Brendon doesn't have any spare toothbrushes, and he can't help but remember where that finger was only so many hours ago. . . Now in their mouth.

He swallows thickly at the thought.

Once they spit the toothpaste out and swish water around in their mouth, they sit at the counter and watch him do the same thing. That, followed by him doing his hair. He doesn't mind them watching. He's used to it by now.

It's quiet, though, as it happens. An uneasy quiet.

Brendon wants to ask if something is wrong, but Tyler speaks before him. "Bren," they finally pipe up.

He looks at them for a split second before turning back to the mirror. "Yeah?" He hopes it's nothing bad. Everything has been so good. Maybe it's something about their conversation earlier? Do they have more to say?

"When Josh called, he wanted me to ask you if. . ." They pause, sucking in their bottom lip for a moment. "If you would be comfortable with us telling Abby about our relationship."

Brendon's heart drops when he hears that. Holy shit. Is this really going to happen? It feels too soon, yet he knows it's not. They've known each other long enough that maybe it is actually time to start telling their families about the whole situation. Well, Josh's family at least. They seem like the type who won't mind all that much, which is reassuring.

"I, um," his Adam's apple bobs. "O-okay."

"Yeah?" They wonder.

Brendon nods. "Yeah, yeah. . . Just, um. . . How do you think she's going to respond? Does-- are you guys going to tell her during lunch?"

Tyler pulls him close enough to where Brendon can stand between their thighs. They kiss his forehead too; they must be able to tell he's nervous from the idea. "Josh wanted us to tell her today, at lunch, so you would be there. We want you there." Brendon exhales, hands slowly moving to hold onto their knees. To stable himself. "And you have nothing to worry about, Bren. She's not going to care. She already knows about our past relationships with people-- well, our relationship with the one guy I told you about, but also our relations with others."

"Are you sure?" He whispers.

Tyler lifts his chin, thumb running against his lip. "Promise."

Brendon nods. That's all he feels like doing at this point. "I'd be okay with it. I just don't want to get a bad reaction-- I don't want to ruin my chances getting along with Josh's family."

Tyler gives him a small smile. "You won't. It will go perfectly fine. I swear." They kiss his forehead another time, rubbing their nose onto his before pulling away. "Josh and I would never put you into any negative situation. Abby is a sweetheart. She understands everything."

Brendon huffs. Another nod. "I believe you."

"Good." They say. "Now go get changed. We're supposed to meet them in fifteen minutes."

"Okay." He stares into their eyes once it leaves his mouth, sinking further through them the longer he does it. He's in too deep. From the coffee colors and the caramel. Fuck.

Tyler leans closer until their lips meet. It's everything he needs and wants. He simply wishes he could do this forever, bring Josh in, feel both of their tongues against his. He wants to be messy. He doesn't know what has gotten into him, all he does know is that he is craving Tyler and Josh's touch more than ever before. He's pained at the thought of not having them around any longer, yet he supposes it might be because he had been tremendously touched starved this past week and now that he's getting exactly what he wants, he has no clue how to act.

When the two of them pull away, Brendon gives Tyler a sheepish smile, slowly stepping out of the bathroom and into his bedroom. He closes the door behind him, finding some jeans and a sweater to wear. He puts on a pair of sneakers to go along with that, and by the time he is done and heads into the livingroom, he sees that Tyler is in their dress again.

Brendon nearly forgot they came in that; seeing them in it once more is making his head spin.

"Can you zip my dress up for me?" They ask once they see him.

"Yeah," he answers, walking towards them. He carefully does as he's told, not being able to help himself from kissing the exposed place between their shoulders before stepping away.

Tyler turns around to look at him. "Do you have a hoodie I could wear?" They then ask. "It's kind of cold over there."

Brendon loves the thought of Tyler or Josh wearing his hoodies a little too much to say no. "Of course," he gets out. "One second."

Brendon goes back to his room, digging through his closet to find a hoodie for them to wear. He needs to visit the laundromat again, he decides, because nearly all of his clothes need to be washed. He does luckily have a clean hoodie, though. A plain black one, and when he goes back out and gives it to Tyler, seeing them wearing it makes his heart swell.

"Ready?" They wonder after a moment.

Brendon nods, running a hand through his hair. "Let me go grab my keys."

He heads to the kitchen to grab them off the counter as well as his wallet just in case, and afterwards, the two of them are heading out the door. Brendon makes sure to lock it before they're leaving to the car.

By the time they're buckled up and he's pulling out of the apartment complex, Tyler is picking up one of the CDs resting beside the cupholders. "It's Raining Again," they read outloud, looking right to Brendon once they do. "Did you make this?"

Brendon shrugs, nodding. "I used to make them all the time since I had nothing else to do."

Tyler hums. "What's on them?"

"Just. . . Older music." He states. "I never really listened to other stuff besides what my mom always used to play for me when I was younger." Brendon hasn't even listened to the radio in ages, either. "Most of it is Frank Sinatra, but there's also Elvis, The Beatles, The Guess Who-- things like that."

Tyler simply watches him speak, immersed. "I like The Beatles." They murmur.

"I know."

Tyler nods to themself, finally turning around to look at the road once placing the CD back. "I was never very interested in music," they start. It's quiet in the car but neither of them seem to mind. "Then I met Josh, and he loved music." They smile softly at the thought. "When we were in college he would sometimes come over and tell me there was a song he wants me to hear, and we would lay in bed, cuddled up together, listening to it. I started liking it a lot more then."

Brendon meets eyes with them when they hit a red light. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." They say. "And it had nothing to do with the music itself, I just liked everything else about it." They let out a small sigh. "I liked that I finally had someone to share things with, and that, for once, I wasn't alone. I liked that Josh would always smile the entire song and wait for my judgement. I liked that I had a distraction."

Brendon almost isn't sure how to respond, because it's a little depressing. "What kind of music was it?"

Tyler chuckles. "Stupid stuff, for the most part. Things I would never listen to. Josh loved rock music-- punk music, too." They have a lingering smile at the thought. "But the first song he ever showed me was In My Life by The Beatles because he couldn't believe I had never heard any of their songs before, and then it carried on to things like Death Cab for Cutie. I don't know. I liked that kind of music a lot more since they were softer, and happier. Well, at least happier-sounding."

Brendon can't help the tug that pulls on his lips. "That's cute." He mutters.

Tyler shrugs, giddy. They know it's cute. "Have you ever been to a concert?" They suddenly ask.

Almost instantly, Brendon is shaking his head. "No." He gets out. "I don't think I'll ever be able to. It's too many people. Too crowded."

His anxiety gets the best of him, and he's missing out on so many opportunities because of it.

Tyler nearly frowns. "That sucks," they whisper. "They're fun. Josh bought us tickets to see Death Cab for Cutie for our first anniversary since we got married and I actually had a really good time. I didn't think I would."

It's more than heartbreaking for Brendon to know that he will most likely never experience that. It does sound fun, especially the thought of the three of them going together, yet he's certain he couldn't withstand all of that. His anxiety is the worst in crowds of people, whether it's small or big. Feeling closed in is terrifying for him.

Tyler seems to sense his sadness about all of this; that's when the connect their hands together and kiss his knuckles. "Josh and I will have to throw you our own concert at the house sometime." They decide. "As you saw yesterday, Josh likes to perform."

Brendon smiles at the idea. "Yeah." He agrees.

The two of them grow silent after that, but it's okay. It's comfortable, and Brendon definitely feels welcomed to it when Tyler moves his hand to their inner thigh and allows him to rub his thumb against their skin. He looks over to them for some sort of clarity beforehand, yet Tyler doesn't do the same. They simply lean their head back and close their eyes, obviously not bothered, which helps Brendon ease into it as well.

It's nice.

***

By the time they're parked at the restaurant and Brendon sees Josh and Abby waiting for them on one of the benches outside, his heart rate picks up. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-- it's all he can possibly think right now.

Tyler places their hand on top of his. "Calm down." They say. "It's okay. Let's go."

Brendon stares at them. "It's gonna go well, right?"

"Promise."

He exhales. Letting it out. "Okay."

They both unbuckle their seatbelts after a moment and step out of the car. Brendon makes sure to lock it before anything else, and with that, he and Tyler are making their way over to Abby and Josh. Already, Brendon wants to hold their hand, but he pushes the urge down and waits until he can actually do it, freely.

When Josh sees the two of them walking over he smiles so wide that Brendon's heart aches. Immediately, he stands up and is pulling Tyler in for a kiss once they're close enough. Before they do anything else too, Brendon watches them whisper something into Josh's ear that leads him to nod. He hugs Brendon after that though, making up for all the time they missed today.

Once Tyler hugs Abby, she looks over to Brendon and gives him a warm grin. "Nice to see you again."

His heart is pounding viciously.

God, this is going to be a lot harder than he thought.

Nonetheless he returns the mutual gesture amongst his features and nods despite the outrageous noise whistling in his ears. "It's nice to see you again, too." He gets out.

The happiness shown doesn't last long though, because all he can make up is: holy shit. It feels like there's weights on his chest. Holy shit. This is already so, so difficult. Holy shit. He needs to hold Josh or Tyler's hand right now. Holy shit. He needs to take a second to breathe. Holy shit. His throat is tightening up.

"You and Tyler go get us a table real quick, yeah?" Josh quickly spues, palm moving to squeeze Brendon's shoulder.

Abby nods. "Yeah. Of course." She looks to Tyler who, really, is focused on Brendon's well-being more than anything, but that doesn't stop them from following through and heading inside with Abby. They know he will be okay with Josh.

As soon as the two of them are out of sight, Brendon is practically gasping for breath, rushing over to the bench and sitting down.

Josh trails after him, holding his frame as quickly as he can; coddling him, protecting him. "Bren, what's wrong?" He whispers.

"I'm-I'm scared, Josh."

Josh frowns. "Scared for Abby's reaction?"

Brendon nods, swallowing thickly. He's dumb for thinking he could handle this right now. It's far too overwhelming-- most things are. Especially this. "I don't want her to be uncomfortable or think of you and-and-and Tyler differently. That's the last thing I want. You all are so close. I don't wanna ruin. . . Ruin that. . ."

Josh shakes his head, kissing Brendon's temple. "Baby, I swear you have nothing to worry about." He assures. It's exactly what Tyler was saying. Maybe Brendon should believe it by now. "Abby knows practically everything at this point. Out of everyone in my family, I go to her the most, because she understands the most. You have to trust me."

Brendon breathes in, breathes out, closing his eyes. "I do believe you. It's just. . . Really nervewracking."

Josh hums as an understanding. "I know, you're right." He says. "If want, we can tell her later. I was thinking now would be a good time since we'd all be together, but we can wait. If that's what you need."

Brendon huffs, meeting his eyes. "Are you sure she's not going to care?"

He asked Tyler the same question, yet getting it from both sides seems more redeemable.

"I promise," Josh murmurs wholeheartedly. "I would never, ever, ever put you in a position where you'd be criticized and not accepted. If anything, Abby will probably just say 'okay' and use it as an excuse to get to know you better."

"You think?" Brendon whispers.

"I know." Josh states.

Brendon nods, taking in as much fresh air as he possibly can before heading inside.

The two of them sit there for a moment, in silence. Josh allows Brendon to recollect himself, and he's getting pretty good at it by now, but Brendon supposes he has to if him and Tyler are serious about being with him. All they can really do is be patient and give him time. It's how he operates.

Finally, Brendon looks to Josh, seeing him glow, watching the way his hair moves with the wind.

"Do one thing for me before we go inside?" He starts.

Josh's lips curl upwards. "What's that?"

Brendon's head leans into the hand he has in his hair, which he hadn't noticed until right now. "Kiss me since no one's around?"

Josh is giddy. He usually is when he has any little chance to be intimate with one of his partners. It's kind of cute. Really cute. "I've been waiting for you to say that," he jokes, and before Brendon can respond, he's leaning forward and kissing him softly. It's all Brendon could possibly need and want right now, especially because Josh is wearing lip balm that tastes like honey. It's soothing in its own weird way.

When they pull away, the gleam in his eyes sets Brendon straight. "Ready?"

He definitely is now. "Yeah."

Josh squeezes his hand, and with that, they depart, not touching an inch as they head inside and find Tyler and Abby in one of the booths. They slide in right beside one another, fitting into the conversation slowly but surely.

"Josh," Tyler begins as soon as he sits down. "You didn't tell me Mom and Dad bought Jim a present when they were out last weekend."

Josh furrows his brows. "They did? I didn't know about that, how the hell was I supposed to mention it to you?"

Abby shrugs. "They were telling me about it when I visited the other day." She explains. "Mom said she's been meaning to stop by your place to drop it off but keeps forgetting."

Josh purses his lips. "Well now I'm kinda excited to see what it is."

Tyler cracks a smile. "Me too." They admit, and when they look away from their husband, instead to Brendon, and see how he's a bit more disassociated from the conversation, they decide to bring up something he could comment about. "The waitress came by while you two were outside so I ordered what you usually get."

Brendon is uncomfortable. He can't deny it. He's embarrassingly afraid to use his voice around Abby since he doesn't know her very well, but that won't stop him from engaging with them. They're out for lunch. He needs to.

"Thank you," he manages. When he feels like that's not enough, he looks around the table for a moment, fingers fiddling with one another. "Um, wanna get food now?"

Tyler nods. "Yeah, let's go."

The four of them scoot out of the booth after that, and in seconds, Brendon watches people's eyes flicker towards them. They try to be subtle but it's definitely not, and he finds himself cowering into Tyler almost, for protection. He really doesn't need this right now. Everything is so overwhelming.

"They're looking at me, not you." Tyler murmurs without having to be told a single thing.

Brendon wonders why they assume that. . . Then he gauges the situation. Okay, maybe he does get it, yet he hates that he does. He supposes that Tyler is used to it by now though, at least when they're dressed to express their femininity this profoundly.

He has to brush it aside. Become accustom to it.

Brendon picks up a plate, and not very surprisingly, he gets a small amount of food. With the thought of exposing such a large secret to Abby floating around in his conscience, he doesn't believe he can stomach much at all right now.

He settles for fruit and a piece of pizza. It's a weird mix, yet he can't seem to mind.

Afterwards, he waits for the the rest of them to finish. He isn't comfortable enough to go to the booth alone, he needs Tyler and Josh with him because they're like a safety blanket at this point. So, he waits, standing awkwardly at the front of the buffet for the two of them.

He's embarrassing.

By the time they are all done getting food, they head back to the booth and sit down. Brendon can't even look at his plate at that point; he pretends as if it's not there. He simply messes the the paper to his straw, then he tears it, and he fiddles with it. He's not here right now, either. It truly doesn't seem so. He can't register a single word coming out of anyone's mouth, and he finds himself counting in his head. He gets to forty-six by the time something catches his attention-- it comes from a Josh.

He glances to Brendon, gauges the state he's in, and that's when he looks forward to his sister to speak. "I'm just going to say this now to get it over with because it's not helping any to keep quiet about it,"

Abby's eyebrows pull together, Brendon's heart drops to his fucking toes.

Forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine.

"What's up?"

Oh, god. . . Fifty. . . Fifty-one. . . Fifty-two, fuck. . . Fifty-three. . .

"Tyler and I just wanted to tell you something. It's important, and, you know, we tell you literally everything at this point." Josh laughs about it, Abby does too. It's relieving in the slightest.

"Hit me." She jokes.

Josh looks to Tyler, Tyler hums, looking to Abby.

Brendon's leg is bouncing, his heart his racing, the pads of his fingers are sweating, his throat is tightening, his stomach is churning-- he's a mess. That's all there is to it. He's terrified of her knowing yet at the same time he wants the truth to come out already because this is torture.

"We're seeing Brendon," Tyler says. As easily as that. "He has been really nervous about you knowing, so we wanted to tell you now, to help him calm down."

Brendon's face flushes. He's so embarrassing.

Abby nods when hearing it, eyes moving back down to her plate as she takes another bite of food. It's casual. How is it this casual?

She shrugs after a moment, collecting her thoughts. "I kinda already knew," she admits once she's done swallowing. That's what makes Brendon's body even more hot-- is it seriously that obvious?

Josh chuckles. "How?"

Abby smiles, unable to help herself from laughing softly. "Not to completely call you guys out, but when I met him for the first time, he came from your bedroom with a hickey. You could tell it was fresh, too." Brendon is in between feeling absolutely humiliated, and tremendously boggled by how naturally she's speaking like this with Josh. Brendon can say without a doubt in his mind that his siblings and him would never speak so openly to each other like this, which is why he's slightly taken aback. "And also. . . I know you and Tyler well enough by now to understand that you two having a 'friend' definitely means you're more than friends."

Josh blinks. "Okay, you really did call us out." He mutters, and immediately, he's finding it all very humorous. Maybe it is. Brendon is too anxious to tell.

Abby smiles, carefully meeting eyes with Brendon. She can see that he is freaking out. Who can't at this point? "It's all good, Brendon. You have nothing to worry about."

He is still red at the cheeks, especially from that. "Thank you." He gets out.

Josh turns to Brendon quickly after and leans his head onto his shoulder, kissing it as well when he gets the chance. It's surreal. Their relationship is growing and now the family aspect of it all is being introduced. He's not sure how comfortable he truly is with that, but also, it doesn't matter about his comfort. He needs to do what's right for their relationship to continue in the right direction.

Tyler pushes his plate forward once things have settled slightly. "Eat, Brend." They urge.

Brendon sighs, taking a fork and poking it into one of the grapes. He takes a bite, chewing it for much longer than he needs to.

When Abby notices he's still on edge, she tries her best to break the ice. "Happy late birthday, by the way. Josh has been talking about it any chance he gets." Josh's chuckles shake Brendon's body when she says that, and in its own strange way, it's grounding. He feel connected and controlled. Safe. "I'm sure whatever they did for you was awesome. Josh loves party planning, and Tyler loves helping."

Tyler gives her a smile. "I got to make him cake and fettuccine. From scratch." They are so immersed in cooking at this point; it's refreshing. "Safe to say I enjoyed it."

Brendon eats the last half of his grape, and subconsciously, his hand moves to hold Josh's. He doesn't even realize he had done that until he feels his thumb rub against his skin. Not only that, but Tyler's shoe slowly touches his, and like highschoolers, the two of them are playing a subtle form of footsie beneath the table.

He's okay.

He is okay.

"It was really good." Brendon finally pipes up. "The food and the birthday."

It's mostly because the night was immensely sexually driven and he enjoyed it a little too much-- he won't mention that, though. All he knows is since everything that took place last night, he hasn't been able to shake the feeling of wanting more. More of what? Well, he doesn't have a clue. What he can't stop thinking about is the way Tyler treated him, and how nice it felt to have Josh's hand touch him where it had never been before, or how Brendon was so overwhelmed with pleasure he didn't give a second for his nerves to ruin it.

That is what is making him wish for more.

Throughout his whole life, Brendon has never gotten the opportunity to enjoy a single moment of intimacy because of his disorder. Any kiss was lead with a sour stomach, and every hand that ever laid beneath his waist was met with an anxiety attack. Of course he eventually did do these types of things with his ex-girlfriend, but even then, he never felt completely invested. He was scared. Panicked.

It's different now.

For the first time ever, Brendon isn't terrified to think about the possibilities. He's craving them. All he does is wish for Josh or Tyler to touch him, kiss him, make him cum if he's lucky.

They're doing that for him. They're making him comfortable, secure, willing to begin, try, love. All of it. For that, he couldn't be more grateful.

Brendon kind of gets sidetracked by his running thoughts but the four of them do have a nice lunch together. He listens to Tyler, Josh, and Abby talk more than anything, yet it seems like they all collectively agreed that is okay. If that's what he feels most secure doing, then he can continue doing it. And it's fine. He manages to eat all of the fruit off his plate and half the pizza by the time they're ready to leave, which is an accomplishment in his mind.

Josh pays, too. He isn't surprised by that.

Abby tells him goodbye and that it was nice to see him again, and get to know him a little more, once Josh and Tyler hug her as a departure. Brendon followed this up by saying something between the same lines.

His social interaction skills are at a low; he didn't know how else to respond.

It doesn't even take longer than a few seconds either for Josh to meet eyes with Brendon once Abby walks off to her car and ask, "Wanna come over?"

Brendon smiles big and wide, nodding. It's exactly what he craves right now. After such a nervewracking past hour, he needs to be in the comfort of their home.

His home.

"Meet us there?"

Brendon purses his lips together at the thought. "Let me stop by my apartment to grab some stuff, yeah?"

Josh nods easily. "Yeah, babe." He doesn't fret to peck his lips as soon as he says it, hand quickly going to hold Tyler's right after. "Just come over once you're ready. We'll be there." He leans his head onto his spouse's shoulder; he and Tyler are both looking back at him so lovingly. Brendon thinks it must be a mirroring image.

"I'll see you in a bit," He decides.

"See you then." Tyler replies, with a small tug at their lips.

The two turn around and Josh guides them to where he parked the car. Brendon stands there awkwardly like he always does, watching the way Josh's hand moves from holding Tyler's to instead creep down along their hip until his fingers crawl beneath their dress.

It doesn't take long for Tyler to swat his hand away.

Brendon chuckles when seeing it unfold, heading to his car afterwards.

It's silent the entire ride back to his apartment. Not the kind where he and Tyler had relished in one another's company, but the true, deadly silent, alone kind. He doesn't feel alone at all, though. He knows he has two of the best people waiting for him once he is ready, and to Brendon, there is nothing more he can ask for than that.

He's enjoying the fact that he always has somewhere to be, now.