TRIGGER WARNINGS:

- Crying/partial anxiety attacks
- Anxiety over food
- Mentions of sex

If there are any more you feel I need to state, of course, please tell me. I hope you all enjoy, and remember that everyday is always worth something to me because I know I have this to come back to. Thank you for that.

***

Brendon can't help but remember the times in elementary and highschool where food was people's happy places. Have an upcoming test? Here's a bag of chips. Don't want to read an assigned book? There's a granola bar in my backpack. Want to eat all your feelings and forget about everything else? Check.

Though, since reaching adulthood, that has changed.

For Brendon, at least.

He sits at the table, Honey Bunches of Oats in front of him, but he has barely touched it. Once again.

It seems to be becoming a cycle, looking at what could be, yet he never fully gets there. He has taken a few bites at least. Now though, he sits with his chin propped up on the table, gathering cereal on his spoon, lifting it up, then watching it pour back into the bowl. Like a waterfall.

Except, it's not nearly as beautiful.

Josh and Tyler are both eating breakfast beside him. Multitasking. Tyler is paying a few bills they had been stressing over on their phone, and Josh is editing some more photos for a customer.

Brendon's jealous, really. Jealous that they're able to be productive and eat at the same time when all he can think about is food. It controls him. Takes over his entire mind. Yet, here is Tyler and Josh proving to him they're lucky once more. Lucky in this instance, at least.

After a moment, Josh glances over to him, and Brendon is immediately sitting up straighter.

He tilts his head, eyes lit up by the sun. "It'll get soggy soon,"

Brendon blinks in response. Though, he gathers more cereal onto the spoon, slowly bringing it to his mouth while he trembles. Once he's chewing, and after he swallows, his lips wobble into a small smile for Josh to see.

To reassure him, to distract himself.

Josh hums, absentmindedly moving so his fingers intertwine with Brendon's. He doesn't say a word, simply continuing to put all of his attention on the screen. That's when he is leaning forward, squinting his eyes to try and look at something.

He shakes his head quickly afterwards, sitting back with a huff. "I can't read this shit."

"Maybe if you wore your glasses," Tyler murmurs.

Brendon pauses. He looks up from his bowl, to Josh, eyebrows furrowed. "You wear glasses?"

"Supposed to wear glasses." Tyler says.

Brendon purses his lips at the information, focusing on Josh once more. He squeezes his hand a little, with softest of upturns pulling at the side if his mouth. "Why don't you wear them?"

"Because. . . I don't know. I don't need them. They look dumb."

Tyler rolls their eyes, smirking. They have yet to look up from their phone, but it's okay. "You got prescribed for a reason, Josh." They press something on the screen in front of them, reading, nodding, finally setting their phone aside. "Besides, they look really cute on you."

Josh's cheeks lift. "Shut up."

"Scared of the truth, mister?" Tyler questions.

Josh shakes his head, chuckling. "You're just trying to make me feel better about it so I give in. I look so stupid with them on. I can deal with it."

"No, they definitely look cute on you. I'm right about that." Tyler takes the last bite of their cereal, reminding Brendon he should probably continue to eat his. It's a mushy mess by now, but it's no one else's fault except his own. "Let me go get them."

"No,"

"Yes."

"No, Ty. It's fine."

Brendon chews, and chews, and chews, and sometimes he wishes to disappear with the food he's eating. Get choked down by another force. Still, he tries his best to forget about it, instead looking to Josh again. "I bet they look cute. I wanna see." He admits.

Tyler crosses their arms over their chest, their smirk only becoming more and more severe. They nod their head to Josh, almost like they're indicating that their point is being made, which is definitely what they're doing. Tyler loves to be right, it's no secret.

Josh rolls his eyes. "Fine." He agrees. "Go get them."

Tyler is pleased. Winning.

They stand up without a word, only fighting the smile creeping on their face as they walk out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Silence falls over the room then, Jim nearly asleep on the floor, Brendon suddenly paying mind to the decorations on the middle of the table. Perhaps it's to get his head away from the menacing things in the bowl in front of him, or perhaps he's actually interested.

Nonetheless, he says, "You still have my flowers."

Josh nods. "Yep." He rubs his thumb against Brendon's.

"Why?"

He gets a shrug in return. "I think it's kinda adorable. Not sure we'll ever toss them out."

Brendon bites his lip, staring at the dead petals on the table. "It's embarrassing for me," he mutters. Josh furrows his eyebrows, so he continues. "Why did I get two bouquets? One definitely would have--"

"It was cute." Tyler interrupts.

They walk back into the dining room, slowly moving over to Josh. As they pull his glasses out, he let's go of Brendon's hand, making him lose that support and reassurance, but he reminds himself that he has it even when the physicality disappears.

When Tyler notices their linked hands aren't in the way, they slowly move to sit in his lap, both legs on either side of him. Josh is ecstatic, it's obvious, and he's gripping their side, making sure they're stable despite the table behind them.

"Transmission activating," Tyler whispers.

They're in a good mood today, which Brendon is thankful for. It's much better than how they were just a couple of days ago.

Tyler carefully slips the glasses onto Josh's face, a timid but clear smile pulling at their cheeks after they move back to take it all in. They reach out to touch his cheek, caressing, adoring. They're so in love it's unbelievable. "My handsome, handsome man."

Josh chuckles, leaning forward to hide his face in their chest.

Tyler settles for running their fingers through his hair, kissing his head multiple times absentmindedly. Brendon smiles at the sight, taking one more bite of his cereal before deciding it's enough. He can't take anymore. Won't do anymore. Tyler must seem to notice as well because they pull one of their hands out of Josh's hair, squeezing his hand instead, and afterwards, they're bringing it to their lips, kissing the back of it.

"Go get ready for work. I'll wash the dishes." They murmur.

Brendon carefully nods.

He stands up once Tyler let's go of his hand, Jim following him as he heads to the bedroom. He closes the door once they're both inside, not bothering to lock it either. He knows by now Tyler and Josh respect his privacy and wouldn't bombard.

So, he begins undressing.

He grabs his clothes from out of his bag after he's down to just his boxers, slowly slipping on his slacks, and then his top. His hands tremble as usual while he tries to button it, which makes it harder, but he's doing it, steadily. That's until there's a knock at the door.

He clears his throat. "Come in," he gets out.

Afterwards, his attention goes right back to his button up. Jim does nothing but lay on the other side of the bed, and Tyler walks in without a word.

They're about to move past him, but that's until they see the struggle he's going through. With nothing to say either, they're sitting down beside him on the bed, moving his hands out of the way and buttoning his shirt easily.

"Your tie?" Tyler wonders.

Brendon nods, handing it to them.

He watches Tyler's eyes. And their mouth. And their hands. They lick their lips while concentrating to do this just right, eyes flicking every so often to gauge something else, hands tensing at certain times. Brendon can't get enough of them, which is no secret, but today they seem to be glowing in a way he hasn't seen from them in a while. They're beautiful.

One more tug, one more time their tongue swipes across their bottom lip.

They pull away.

"There you go, good-looking."

Brendon says nothing. There's a soft pull at the corner of his mouth, but all he can seem to do is meet their eyes. They're at ease. Resting. Riding the waves as they come; Brendon envies it, as usual, and Tyler blinks, so feather-like and delicate that all he feels able to do is lean closer until their lips meet. The casualty makes his heart swell, and skip a beat, and thump loudly. Their touch creates an arousing shiver.

His body caves every time Tyler's existence is reminded.

Though, they pull away. Brendon's focus falls back onto them, frantically searching for something more, but all they do is purse their lips into a smile.

"You need to brush your teeth." They whisper.

Brendon slumps at that. An outrageous sigh falls from his chest, and immediately, he's falling backwards against the bed.

"I'm just gonna stay here." He murmurs, closing his eyes.

After a moment, Tyler slowly leans forward until they can rest their chin on his thigh. The feeling isn't exactly comfortable, but it's not the worst, and nowadays Brendon craves Josh and Tyler's touch more than anything else so there's nothing he can complain about.

"We bought you a toothbrush to use while you're over here." They continue, fingers trailing, trailing. Moving around his body.

Brendon's brows pull together. "Oh?"

"You better use it." They suddenly state.

There's silence then.

Brendon carefully opens his eyes once more, propping himself up on his elbows to look at them. Tyler stares, so he does too.

His head cocks in the slightest. "Or else what?" He jokes, trying to stall as much as possible before having to leave.

He really doesn't want to go to work.

Tyler hums in response. Spineless, fearless, they move into his lap.

Brendon knows they wouldn't want him to take it into account, but as soon as they're sat, he can feel nearly everything. Last night they slept in their briefs and a shirt like they used to, which makes him feel reassured that they're seemingly doing better mentally, but also like he had been used to before, they're becoming overbearing with their comfortability. His body is burning up subtly, yet Tyler has never seemed so assured.

They kiss his temple, and then behind his ear. "I'll be very, very upset."

It's just a breath, a hot, deep breath, but Brendon is flushed right then and there.

And before he can do anything about it, Tyler gets off of him, making their way into the closet without another word. Allowing the words to sink. It's purposeful-- everything they do is. They're too clever for Brendon's liking, really.

He lays there only because he feels stuck at this point.

With time to consider it, and fear that Tyler might get onto him again, he finally does get up from the bed with a soft shake to his head, Tyler watching him as he moves towards the door.

They step out of the closet slightly. "Your toothbrush is in the cupboard."

Brendon blinks a few times, nodding. "Thank you."

Tyler nods as well, turning right back into the closet.

Brendon walks out of the bedroom then, into the bathroom, easily finding the toothbrush they had been talking about it. He takes it out of the packaging and afterwards, brushes his teeth. It's numb. He feels numb, in actuality. All he ever wants is to be here, at this house, with the two people he can't get enough of, and the thought of having to leave and possibly not see them for a few days is pathetically painful. He can't stop thinking about how much harder this becomes every time.

Though, he can't catch himself worrying when Josh walks in and begins brushing his teeth right beside him. It's silent other than that, and Brendon's pent up nerves calm down as soon as Josh rests his head onto his shoulder and plays with one of the buttons on his top.

Brendon spits into the sink first, and Josh follows.

After the two of them wash their mouths out with water, Josh leans-- practically sits, really-- on the counter, looking at Brendon with bright eyes and steady lips.

"Stay over Sunday, yeah?" He wonders.

Brendon bites his cheek. "I'll be at my mom's this weekend," he murmurs.

"I know that," Josh chuckles a bit, absentmindedly reaching out, grabbing ahold of a few of his fingers. He brings Brendon's hand to his chest, making him able to feel his heartbeat unbeknownst. Steady, easy, envious. "I meant afterwards." He blinks as soon as it's said, like he came to a realization. "Unless you wanna go home, babe. That's okay. I just want you around all the time."

Brendon would rather be here more than anywhere else.

Of course the answer is clear.

"I'll be here, babe." He teases, because he can, and he isn't so concious of everything he's saying right now.

Josh smiles.

God, he smiles so wide.

"Good." He says, then bringing Brendon's knuckles to his mouth, kissing them. "I'll want you to hold me." He pauses, giddy. "I always want you to hold me."

Brendon can't help but smile as well. "What about Tyler?"

Josh hums. "You both can hold me."

Brendon can only hope so. "Sounds like a plan." He says, then leans forward to kiss Josh's forehead, yet as his eyes shift, he catches Tyler in the doorway. Brendon pulls away from Josh once he sees them. After a moment too, Tyler is walking into the room, right between the both of them. They meet eyes with Brendon and hold a stare before carefully moving closer until they're kissing him. It's slow, tender-- which is a bit different than what Brendon has gotten used to-- but he doesn't mind.

Tyler kisses his cupid's bow to finish it off before turning to then kiss Josh.

They run their fingers through his hair after a few pecks on the lips.

Affection is coming for all angles this morning, it seems.

They look to Brendon. "You're stalling." They state.

His body's immediate response is to furrow his brows together at the mention. He swallows thickly though, leaning his hand onto the counter to brush it off. Act like he doesn't know what they mean. "Stalling?" He gets out.

"You don't want to go to work, do you?" They continue.

Brendon sighs.

It doesn't take long for him to give up. At all.

"I just wanna stay here," he whispers.

Tyler purses their lips. Instead of answering, they let Josh do it for them. "You can come over any time, Bren. Come over after work if you want."

Brendon sighs at that, shaking his head. "Maybe it'll be good to be home for once." He murmurs, not really believing himself, but he considers he'll go back to his apartment and get stoned out of his mind. Everything has been so much. He needs to put his head somewhere else.

He still doesn't exactly feel comfortable being high in front of Josh and Tyler.

Yeah, when Tyler stayed over at his mother's with him, he got stoned, but it wasn't severe. It was rushed, needed, absentminded. Other than that, it feels different.

"Alright." Josh says. "Change your mind, feel free to come over."

Brendon doesn't know what to think.

Maybe he's scared of letting himself lean on people too much.

"Okay," he croaks out.

Tyler examines his features, taking everything into account, doing what they do best. Observing. Thinking. Concluding. "Will you be okay at work?" They wonder suddenly.

Brendon nods. He has to. "I'll be okay."

Tyler's suspicious. It's clear, but they won't push. They simply untangle their fingers from out of their husband's hair. "Let's get you ready to head out, then." They decide, walking out of the room, letting clarity settle.

Josh blinks a few times, slowly following with Brendon trailing right behind him.

For the next few minutes, Brendon spends them slipping his shoes on and gathering everything into his bag to leave. He glances to the television afterwards, knowing he'll miss the painting shows, and then glances to Jim, knowing his miss his rock. It's only so many days until he'll see everything again, but his neediness grows the more their relationship does, and it almost seems like there's no winning at this point. Together isn't enough. He wants more despite not knowing exactly what more is.

He gets enough.

Tyler touches his waist at the entry, Josh kisses his cheek. He can cry knowing this will be the last of it for now. He's too stubborn for his own good, too weak for his own body, too pathetic for his own soul.

It's frustrating.

"Text me on your lunch break, yeah?" Josh whispers, pressing his lips to Brendon's neck, right where his fading hickey is.

"I will." He mutters.

Tyler simply kisses his jaw, silent, and it's so odd to see them doing this constant back-and-forth. As strange as it may seem, Brendon would almost say they're like a teeter totter. Maybe it's rude, but the continuous silence following their highs as of late is throwing him off.

Still, he kisses their skin back, because he needs to, wants to, loves to-- before walking out the front door.

Away.

Gone.

Why can't he be content with what he has? Sometimes it seems like so little, yet once he comes here, to this house, and is around the people he adores, leaving also feels like he's leaving everything else. His nothing else. His little, very, very little. But, his very, very little is also one of the best things that has happened to him, so perhaps he shouldn't be upset, he should smile.

It's hard to smile though when losing a touch you've began to find comfort in, which Brendon isn't used to.

Maybe that's what it is.

His comfort source is gone. This comfort source also happens to be two humans amongst the seven billion others, who have their downs and lows, their ups and highs, and everything in between-- Brendon seems to find perfection in all the flaws, though. His sense of comfort knows no bounds.

It's beautiful.

So along with comfort, he loses beauty as well, and all he can do is wonder if that's why it hurts so much more. He's losing things he's only just now growing accustom to.

***

At lunch, Brendon texts Josh. It's a simple hello, asking how everything is, and Luke brings him Cup O' Noodle again. It just sits in front of him, like Luke does, unknown and overwhelming.

Just finished everything I needed to edit.

Brendon brings the keypad up to reply to him, but Josh sends another message, and immediately his heart rate increases.

Also, we didn't exactly talk about boundaries when it came to this, but is it wrong of me to ask if you're eating lunch right now? I'm sorry if that's too much, I just want to make sure you're taking care of yourself, babe.

Brendon glances up at the food in front of him, then Luke, who looks absolutely exhausted. They have only spoken a few words to one another but it's nothing awkward. It seems as the days pass, the more everyone starts to care less and less. Something as easy as company is enough now. No touch, no words-- Brendon doesn't even need eye contact anymore in this workplace.

He glances back to his phone.

Luke brought me food. I'll eat it.

Okay. Take it at your pace.

I have to head out but please text Tyler if you need anything. They're home working with Dallon again.

All Brendon can hope for is that Dallon isn't disrespectful when it comes to their boundaries anymore. He wouldn't be able to stand it if he knew Tyler wasn't comfortable in their own home because a guest can't understand someone's comfortability, especially after they specifically asked him to be more mature about the situation.

It will be fine, though. It will be.

I will.

Have a nice day.

I'll be missing you.

Bet I'll be missing you most.

Brendon rolls his eyes with a small smile, slipping his phone into his pocket.

"Whatcha smilin' for?" Luke plays, mood lightening in the slightest.

Brendon shrugs. "Just. . ." He smiles more. "Josh."

Luke hums, nodding along as he takes another bite of his food which reminds Brendon he should probably do the same. Although he doesn't want to, and Tyler and Josh aren't around to see if he's actually eating or not, he's positive the guilt of not doing so would make him more upset than this.

Brendon slowly grabs ahold of the fork. "How's your girlfriend? Emma?" He decides to ask.

The corner of Luke's lips lift. "She's good. We're good." He pauses, contemplating, swallowing thickly. It's not until now Brendon notices his Adam's apple is not prominent at all, or there in general, really, but he thinks he knows why that is. "We're really good, actually." He lifts his head up to look at Brendon. "I'm honestly thinking about. . . Maybe proposing to her soon. . ." He suddenly comments.

Brendon's eyes widen a little. "Oh, shit." He whispers. "Wow." He chokes out. "Well. . . If you do, I hope it goes well. That's awesome, man."

Luke smiles. "Thank you." A pause. "I'm excited."

"That does sound super--" Brendon stops completely, watching Ryland and Ryan walk in with huge grins on their faces, reminding Brendon that it is Wednesday, and Debby isn't here, which means they'll definitely be sitting with him today. The feeling is not negative; he's heartwarmed.

Ryan stands at the end of the table, toothy, happy. "Can we sit with you guys today?"

Brendon and Luke both nod, not bothered by their presence.

Ryan and Ryland do the same, and so with that, they're sitting down, unwrapping their sandwiches and easily taking bites without a doubt crossing their mind about it.

Brendon clears his throat, twirling the noodles around his fork. "How're you two?"

Ryan hums joyfully, turning to face Ryland. "Tell him. Tell him. Tell him." He repeats over, and over, and over, and over again. Ryland seems the slightest bit confused at first, but then it's almost like a like bulb goes off and he finishes chewing before quickly throwing his left hand up, cheeks rosy red.

Brendon's eyes widen, again.

"I'm getting married!" He practically shrieks.

Brendon catches Luke's reaction, looking just as surprised as him, probably because of how unbelievably ironic this is.

Brendon's lips twitch into a smile. "That's awesome," he gets out. Then, his eyebrows furrow. "Isn't that a women's ring?"

Ryland shrugs, bringing his hand closer to his face, twirling the jewelry around his finger. "Yeah, but it's perfect for me." He shakes his head. "Shane knows me so well-- I can't believe we're actually getting married. Holy shit."

Ryan nods. "I'll be the best man,"

"No, Ry, my brother is."

"But I am your best man, what the fuck." Ryan pouts.

Ryland turns to face him, patting his back. "You can be the flower girl."

Brendon and Luke can't help but smile at that, their dynamic amusing to watch. Brendon's never really witnessed a relationship quite like theirs, but it's relieving, refreshing. They teach him a lot without realizing it, and perhaps that's why he enjoys having them around so much.

"Well, that works too." Ryan decides. "I'll settle for that."

Ryland chuckles. "Good."

There's some silence after that, the two-- well, three, including Luke-- go back to eating, and Brendon still has yet to gain the courage to take the first bite. He slumps further into his seat, thinking maybe he'll dwindle away if he continues stalling like this. It sounds like a good plan, and that's all he's focusing on, but that's until Ryland speaks up again.

"You must of had a fun time the other day. Is that why you missed work?"

Brendon's confused. Utterly, thoroughly.

He looks up to see who Ryland's talking to, and it's him, but he has no idea what he's trying to indicate by that or why.

He licks his lips, toes curling in his shoes. "What do you mean?"

Ryland bites the smirk off his face. "That's a pretty gnarly hickey," he continues.

Immediately, Brendon's body goes hot. "Oh," His Adam's apple bobs as he sits up straighter, hand going to his neck, rubbing the area Tyler had claimed as their own. "Uh, I-- that's not why I missed work." He says, quietly, nervous now that it's brought up. Extremely nervous.

Ryland hums. "You didn't have it when you were here Monday." He mutters, obviously playful, but Brendon gets overwhelmed so easily. "Who was it?" He then asks.

"Uh. . ." Brendon can't think.

"Leave him alone, Ry." Ryan says, rolling his eyes with a smirk.

Brendon thinks it's funny how they have the same nickname for one another.

Ryland sighs, nodding. "I'm just messing with you," he reassures. Then, he pulls the collar of his button up down, revealing his own marked up area. "I was gonna say, we're twins."

Brendon can't even process what's happening at this point. He thinks about the fact that he has accidentally just told everyone at work 'hey, I've been with someone these last couple of days' and that Ryland seriously is considering that this might be the reason he didn't go to work yesterday.

"You and Shane were like fucking rabbits after he proposed, I swear. You're so gross." Ryan says.

Luke simply sits back and watches this happen, amused.

"You're just jealous that you don't get any like Brendon and I." He chuckles. "And Luke, most likely."

Anxiety settles in Brendon's chest in seconds. He isn't enjoying this conversation anymore. It's leading to paths he has yet to find comfortability in, and topics that are so nervewracking for him. This isn't good. He knows. For his state of mind, and his ego.

"My bad for being unfuckable." Ryan jokes.

Brendon suddenly stands up from his seat. The three of them look at him, confused.

"I should be getting back. Sorry." He whispers, not waiting another second before rushing out of the room, right to his cubicle. He sits down on the chair, instantly leaning his elbows onto the desk and running both hands through his hair to pull it. He could cry. He wants to. He won't.

It's frustrating.

It's pathetic.

It's terrifying.

He doesn't know what to do other than work on his breathing a little before getting back into things.

So, he does just that. Leaned into himself, trying to be quiet, not a distraction, or an embarrassment, but he's sure that he failed at that already.

He feels stuck where he is. Not physically, but mentally, for the most part. There's steps he needs to take. Steps he should have probably taken a long time ago, yet with all the years that have passed, his anxiety about the subject gets worse and worse. He considers that Josh and Tyler will help, of course they will, still, it's difficult when they aren't aware of the situation.

Maybe he should tell them.

Or maybe he'll let them find out.

Maybe it's too sad to say outloud.

Or maybe Brendon is pitiful either way.

It's most likely to be the latter. He knows how these kind of things work by now.

He has no grasp of what he'll do past now, once he steps out of this building and has freedom to say and do whatever, so he only feels capable of tossing these thoughts aside and focus on what keeps a roof over his head. Although, it's unbelievably difficult considering the circumstances.

***

Brendon's plans for when he gets home go smoothly. Especially after everything at work, he decides to get even more stoned than he thought he would have before. He's so gone that he has been sitting on the couch for ten minutes just running his hand up and down his arm because it feels funny, and he's so gone that he doesn't even need a TV right now to be entertained.

He's so gone that he doesn't think of anyone or anything.

When Brendon's phone vibrates repeatedly, he doesn't bother to answer. He only slips it out of his pocket and throws it on the couch, standing up then.

He's hungry.

Really, really hungry.

He doesn't stress about anything right now. He can't imagine to. He only drags his feet into the kitchen, and as soon as he's opening up the fridge, the doorbell to his apartment rings, making him stand up straight in surprise.

He knows it can only be one person, and it's also a person he won't be ashamed to be high around, so slowly, almost zombie-like, he's moving to the door, opening it up and meeting eyes with Hayley.

She smiles carefully. Nervously. "Hey."

Brendon blinks. "Hey,"

"You're super high right now, aren't you?"

The answer comes easily. "Yes."

Hayley sighs in response, closing down a little at that. "Are you busy?"

Brendon may not be able to get social cues as well as he could have when he's sober, but the tone, the mood, it's clear, and it's also not good. He's able to realize now is the time to try his hardest to think about something, because he's postive Hayley hasn't just come over to say hello.

"No, no. What's up?" He gets out.

She bites her lip, eyes casting downwards, subtly bouncing back and forth on her heels. "I'm just. . . I had to work overtime so Chad took Jack for the night and. . ." She sighs once again. "I don't know. I guess I don't do well when I'm alone, so I was kinda wondering if we could. . . Hangout. If that's alright with you."

Brendon can barely keep his eyes open. "Okay." He opens the door wider. "Come in."

The relief is clear in her face, a small smile pulling at her lips as Brendon steps aside. Hayley follows, walking inside, and as Brendon closes the door behind her, he's leading her into the livingroom. Silently too, he grabs something off of the coffee table, reaching out to hand it to her.

Her eyebrows furrow.

He shrugs. "I had a feeling."

Hayley chuckles, taking the joint from him. "Thanks."

The two of them sit down on the couch, and after Brendon lights the end for her, they get comfortable. He forgets about the food then. Company is better, he'd say. More fulfilling.

"Was everything okay the other night?" Hayley suddenly asks. Brendon's starting to learn she's a rather paranoid person, and whether that's accurate or he's just too at ease right now to tell the difference, he isn't sure. "Like, when the three of you dropped of Jack's carseat."

Brendon closes his eyes. He let's out a deep breath, pulling a knee to his chest, resting his head on it. "It was just a long, long day." He whispers.

Hayley nods along. "You were right when you said Tyler doesn't really like kids. He--" immediately, immediately, Brendon is able to see the panic and guilt wash across her face. "Sorry. Fuck. Sorry. Sorry." She barely meets his eyes. "Uh, what. . . What pronouns and I'm supposed to be using?"

Brendon nearly forgot he brought up the pronoun situation in front of her.

"They/them." He answers.

She nods again. "Okay. Sorry. I'm just not used to it yet."

Brendon isn't phased. He can't be right now. He's on the brink of falling asleep at this point. "It takes time." He murmurs.

Hayley only takes a drag of the joint.

Silence falls over them again.

"You must never feel lonely," she randomly mentions.

Brendon opens his eyes. "Huh?"

Smoke tumbles from her lips. It's entrancing, distracting. Brendon continues to run his hand up and down his arm, the only thing running through his head being how soft his skin feels, and how much it tingles.

"Maybe that sounds stupid." She comments. "I just mean that dating two people must be a really. . . Fulfilling experience." He catches her glancing down at his hickey.

He sighs.

"That doesn't mean I don't feel lonely." He doesn't find the need to correct her when she says the three of them are dating. "Being with them is the best thing out of my whole day. I'm the happiest with them." It's true, and suddenly, just thinking about it, he wants them again. Talk to them, be with them, touch them. "But as soon as I leave them I just feel like shit. Like there's no more to come out of my day once I say goodbye."

If only he knew why he was telling her this.

Hayley frowns. "How long have you been seeing each other now?"

"Like four months," he murmurs. "Maybe less."

She hums. "Well, I think that's normal. It's all so new for you, your guy's relationship, so I'd say missing them throughout your day is something most people would go through." She stares up at the ceiling. "And if you consider them to be the best part of your life currently, of course there's going to be some attachment issues when they're not around. That's healthy."

Brendon blinks. A few times. "You should be. . . Like. . . A counselor." He says, immediately laughing at himself afterwards.

Hayley joins him, shaking her head while rolling her eyes. "You're so weird." She whispers.

"I'm high." He states.

"No, I think you're just weird."

Brendon chuckles. He watches her smoke some more, and he smiles, because he can, and he wants to, and he feels good. "Hayley, you're cool." He concludes. Giddy.

She looks down at him. He has somehow migrated to laying down in a strange position on the couch. "You're cool, too."

"I like us being friends." He says.

Hayley's features become solemn so quickly. She breathes in and out a few times, staring at nothing now, only straight forward where a TV could be, but isn't. "I like us being friends too, Brendon. A lot." She swallows thickly. "You're really the only friend I have." She admits.

He looks up at her. "Only friend?"

She shrugs. "I've never really made friends since high school. I had Jack and. . . He was where all my attention went." She licks her lips. "You're the first person since I was in school that I feel like I can actually go to and talk to, and be around. Be a friend. As stupid as it sounds, I'm proud of myself. You're a good person."

He doesn't know what to say, so Hayley continues. "I know we don't know each other that well, but I want to get to know you more. Talking to you is nice, learning about you is, too. You're different. And it's refreshing."

"I think I'm just different because I'm with two people and smoke a lot of weed because of my raging anxiety." He responds. Then, blinks. "Why did I just say that."

"Probably the weed," Hayley mumbles.

"Yeah." He swallows, mouth extremely dry, but he still decides to continue. "There's very few people in this world who think I'm interesting, so I'm kinda flattered, but don't tell anyone."

Hayley hums. "I think I'll be able to keep that a secret."

Brendon nods. "I have too many secrets." He whispers.

Maybe he just needs someone to get things out to right now. It seems like it.

Hayley looks down at him. "Oh," she mutters. "Wanna talk about it. . . Or. . ."

Brendon's immediately shaking his head. "No." He shakes his head one more time. "I got high to not think about it. I don't wanna think about it. Maybe I need to smoke more--"

"Definitely not." She interrupts.

"Why?"

"Because if you saw yourself right now, you'd know you're completely fucked." Hayley assures, taking one last hit of the joint before stubbing it out on the ashtray he has.

"I feel completely fucked." He admits.

Mentally, that is. Definitely not physically.

Hayley laughs, nodding, nodding. "I'm getting there." She murmurs. Her eyes close then, and her head falls back against the pillows.

They talk afterwards, both moving in slowmotion, both enjoying one another's company. Brendon can't say he remembers the majority of it by the time he wakes up in the morning, he only knows that he must have fallen asleep on the couch once Hayley left. Still, he brushes it off, feeling absolutely fatigued while he dresses for work, but there's nothing he can do. He only checks his phone to see a missed call from Tyler, and a couple messages from Josh. He doesn't bother to respond, though. He feels so uneasy at the thought of what is being kept from them, and what is underlying, that the idea of talking to the two of them is only going to make his anxiety worse. His shame worse. His guilt worse.

Brendon walks out of his apartment with no breakfast in his stomach. It growls, but he supposes subconsciously he has taught himself to block it out, so he doesn't hear it.

He also doesn't dwell on the fact that he didn't eat lunch, or dinner, and now breakfast. He knows it would upset Tyler and Josh, and now he feels guilty for another reasons.

He's always, always guilty.

***

At lunch today, he does eat. Not the entire thing, but a lot of it, and although Tyler nor Josh will know, or see, he does, and it makes him feel better mentally that he's pushing past his anxieties to try and conquer this in some way.

He still doesn't respond to either of them, though.

***

By the time Brendon is back home and comfortable in bed, he's high again, not as bad as before, but enough to be in the clouds. He's also crying. Silently. Tears are running past his cheeks, down his lips, and sometimes his tongue soaks them up and relishes the salty taste.

He has a bad habit of blocking out his problems. He knows, and he can't help it.

Confrontation is terrifying. Most things are terrifying to him, really, so it isn't much of a surprise.

He lays on his side, blankets pulled up to his neck, and stares at his bedside table where his phone lies, contemplating whether or not he should stop being selfish and give in. Tyler and Josh don't deserve to have to worry and wonder.

Yet, at the thought, he sees that Josh is trying to facetime him.

It seems like a sign.

He takes it.

He accepts the call and immediately, as soon as he sees Josh's face, his heart aches.

"Bren," Josh gets out. He sounds relieved, which makes the aching feeling so much worse. He supposes the feeling is guilt in a physical form. "Are you okay? You haven't been answering us, we've been worried." He was walking somewhere but once he sits down and finally looks at the camera, sees Brendon's wrecked state, the response is solemn. "What's wrong, baby?"

Brendon closes his eyes, more tears streaming down his cheeks. "I'm--" he hiccups. "I'm sorry."

Josh frowns. "Why are you sorry?"

"For-for-for not answering. For being sel-selfish." He replies, using his thumb to wipe the tears away. "I can't stop thinking about something, and I don't know what to do. I don't know if-if I have the guts to say anything. My anxiety is getting worse because of it and I-- and I don't know what to do. It's so fucking embarrassing."

There's some silence. Josh contemplating. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Brendon shakes his head quickly. "No." Inhale, exhale. "I don't want to. . . But I. . . But I know I need to soon and I can't stop thinking about it."

Josh opens his mouth to say something, but Tyler comes into view, walking up behind him and wrapping their arms around his neck, head resting on his shoulder.

They say nothing.

Josh does, though. "You can tell us anything, Brend. Especially if it's giving you anxiety to keep it to yourself."

Brendon nods, chest feeling heavy, throat feeling tight. "I know," he answers. "But it's not. . . It's not that easy. You don't understand." He pauses, reconsidering that statement. "And I know that's not your fault because-because I haven't told you, but I don't know when I'd be able to. It's just. . . Embarrassing. And intimidating."

Josh and Tyler both let that sink in, and Brendon can't help but feel he might have just given himself away by accident.

"You tell us when you're ready," Tyler pipes up. "Just like everything else. We do it when you're ready."

Brendon nods. "Okay." He whispers.

Josh plays with Tyler's fingers, the bags beneath his eyes clear. "You're still staying over Sunday, right?"

"Yeah,"

Josh hums. "Still gonna hold me Sunday, right?"

Brendon's smile is petite, all-lip. "Yeah."

"Okay." Tyler's rubbing their nose against his neck, kissing and pecking certain areas, making Josh sigh out of delight. "Then you take a shower, eat some dinner, and get some rest. Please." Tyler nods in agreement against him, kissing him one last time behind the ear before focusing on the phone screen again. "You can text or call us any time you need to. We'll be here, and we can't wait to see you again."

Brendon swallows thickly, nodding. He can cry for a whole other reason. "I know. Thank you."

"Thank you for looking after yourself." Josh responds.

The guilt is still there. Brendon knows he hasn't been, and yet he never corrects Josh, because living in a fantasy is much better than the truth right now.

"Goodnight, baby." Josh whispers when he gets no response.

Brendon's body tingles, but that might just be the weed. "Goodnight."

He catches one last glimpse of Tyler, seeing how their hair is growing back in, but considering how short they had last shaved it, it's simply the way it was when the three of them first met. And Josh's hair is still just as long, and he's also beardless, which reminds Brendon to do the same.

After that though, the call ends.

Brendon decides he could use some time away from guilt, so he finds the will to get out of bed and into the kitchen, making a pathetic excuse for dinner. He has had to throw out most of the food in his fridge because it has gone bad, so he settles for what he has left. Eggs. He looks for bread to hopefully make toast as well at least, but that has gone bad too, so he throws it away and gets the two frozen sausage patties left in the freezer.

Breakfast for dinner, he supposes. Maybe it will make up for not getting any this morning.

He eats alone, which feels like something new for him. It seems as though someone is always hanging over his shoulder nowadays when it comes to food.

He does fine, though.

He doesn't finish eating the second sausage pattie, but he assumes it's enough, and once tossing out the leftovers and washing the dish, he showers. It goes by in a blur, still mildly high. The water feels funny against his skin, and he laughs, touches himself under the showerhead, every divet beneath his flesh being ignored.

Brendon dries himself off after a while of his mind being numb in the surrounding tile. He changes, and curls into himself once he's in bed. He thinks about how only so many days ago he was in the same place, but instead of being alone, Carina held him, eased him down, did what she does best, and Brendon smiles remembering he'll be seeing her tomorrow after work.

Going to his mother's will be bittersweet, yet he's excited almost. Though, he doesn't know why that's so surprising. He should be excited to see his mother.

He brushes off the fact that his excitement comes from seeing Carina and not her.

Brendon isn't like his siblings.

***

Brendon doesn't see Carina until dinner on Friday. He spends most of his time listening to his mother babble about absurd, random stuff, and stories of when she was a kid because for some reason she remembers more about a beach trip she took with her family forty-six years ago than what she ate for breakfast.

It's sad.

Still, getting to be with her heals a torn place in Brendon's heart. He holds her hand until they go downstairs to eat, watching reruns as usual. He has to help her with each step once they finally do head down for dinner, but as soon as he sees Carina, he's full of joy. He makes sure to get his mom into a seat before hugging Carina tightly, breathing her in like fresh air.

"I missed you," she murmurs, ruffling the back of his hair a little.

Brendon pulls away, smiling at her, exhaling out of relief. "I missed you too."

She's radiating. Light comes from every side of her being, yet when her eyes run down his frame to soak up what she has missed, Brendon knows immediately what she catches. Everyone has been lately, which makes him consider wearing something that covers up that area of his neck, because he's tired of the constant prodding.

Though, Carina says nothing about it.

"Let's sit, yeah?" She wonders instead.

Brendon nods, Adam's apple bobbing as he takes a seat beside her. He sheepishly grabs the menu and reads off what they're having, not finding anything particularly appetizing, but he's certain Carina won't let him leave the table without a least something in his stomach. Despite not knowing the entirety of the situation, he supposes she's caught on through time. He can't tell whether that should be heartwarming or nervewracking.

The conversation is steady once they're all comfortable enough. Grace talks to Carina's mother, and Brendon talks to Carina. She catches him up on stuff he has missed throughout these past few days, even mentioning a guy she has been talking to recently, which makes Brendon smile considering how little she ventures out from the retirement home.

Later on, he somehow manages to eat a portion of his dinner, yet when Carina offers to get him a cookie as desert, he declines quickly.

It's baby steps.

She only nods, nonetheless getting herself one.

As Carina is off, Brendon's phone vibrates in his pocket, and when he pulls it out and sees a message from Tyler, a smile creeps onto his face. They send him a photo of Josh fast asleep, head in their lap as they play with absolute mess of curls he calls hair. There's such a soft upturn on his lips, one that makes Brendon's smile more intense.

Baby boy falling asleep happy knowing he's going to see his parents tomorrow, and then the next day, the other baby boy.

Brendon can't deny his body becomes warm when reading the text.

Tyler referring to him as baby boy. . . Oh, god.

He clears his throat, about to send a message in response, but Carina sits back down beside him. "What's got you so flustered?" She plays, taking a bite of the chocolate chip cookie she got.

Brendon nibbles at his lip. "Just, uh," he clicks on the photo, showing it to her. "He's cute." He murmurs.

His cheeks show every emotion in color, and Carina squints her eyes, finishing the cookie. She makes sure to get it down before opening up her mouth again, leaning further into her chair. "You must really be in deep if something as little as picture gets a reaction like that from you." She comments, of course not harshly, she's only teasing him, maybe even insinuating something, and he can't help but feel he knows what it is.

Brendon blinks. One, two, looking back down at his phone to text Tyler.

This baby boy will be falling asleep with a smile on his face too.

That's what this person likes to hear.

"Brendon," Carina suddenly butts in.

He lifts his head. "Yeah?"

She examines his features, his bouncing leg, his tense hands. "Do you think if we brought up Grace and my mom to the gameroom, we can. . . Talk about something."

Brendon knew it was coming.

He sighs. "Okay."

Without another word besides convincing their mothers to play checkers, they head upstairs, a place more secluded, which is definitely purposeful. He and Carina both sit down on one of the couches, Brendon pulling a knee to his chest, waiting for the conversation to begin. It pains him. Worries him. Shakes him to his absolute core.

"Anything you wanna catch me up on?" Carina eases in.

Brendon, seriously, has nothing to hide. "No."

She let's out a heavy breath in return. "I might just be making assumptions, but there's some. . . Signs. . ." She pauses, touching his hand, squeezing. "You can tell me Bren, you know that, right?"

Brendon sighs in frustration. "Nothing happened." He states. "Absolutely nothing." He meets eyes with Carina and she does not look sold, at all. This only irritates him more. "Yes. I have a hickey now. Tyler gave me hickey. But that's as far as anything went, and it didn't even last long because I had a fucking panic attack over it."

"Bren--"

He crumbles, quickly, tears forming in his eyes. "I feel so pathetic." He whispers quite suddenly. "I can't stop thinking about what little I give the both of them. If I'm ever going to be able to give them more." He has to look away, to keep himself from completely losing it. "If I can't even handle a hickey. . . What does that say about me? What if. . . What if I'm never going to get past this?"

Carina frowns. "Brendon, you can take all the time you need. You don't have to feel obligated to do anything, and you can't get yourself down for being nervous about it. It's human."

He shakes his head. "No. It's fucking sad." He looks back to her then, shaking his head another time. "I'm going to be thirty in what-- ten days? Thirty, Carina. I-I haven't even experienced what the majority of people do by the end of high school."

"It's okay to take it at your own pace." She assures.

Brendon can never think positively, perhaps it's a fact.

"It's. . . I don't even know at this point." He sighs. "They talk about it so much. . . Sex is such a big part of their lives. I don't know what that's like. I haven't even thought about that for the longest time until they mentioned it, and now, these past couple of days, it's seriously all I think about, and not in the hot and sexy way, the 'I'm about to have an anxiety attack every hour' kind of way."

Carina blinks, runs her fingers up and down his hand gently. "Have you told them?"

"God, no."

"I think that would be the first step." She says.

"I know," he whispers. "But every time I think about telling them. . . My anxiety goes through the fucking roof."

"Is there any reason in particular to why that is?"

Brendon feels his chest get tighter at the thought. He squeezes Carina's hand then, nibbling at the fabric of his jeans absentmindedly, nervously. "I can't help but think they're going to want nothing to do with me if I tell them. I can't help but think they're gonna see me as some pathetic person they accidentally ended up meeting. I can't help but think they'll feel like our whole relationship was a mistake. . ." His Adam's apple bobs, throat closing up. "I don't know what I'd do with myself if I lost them, at this point."

Carina nods. "I know you've grown really close to them, but truly, if you end up telling them and you get no form of comfort from either of them, they don't deserve you." The thought of leaving off on bad terms makes a hot tear slide down Brendon's cheek. After all the happiness they've brought to his life, he can't bear imagining that. "But, honestly, just from meeting them once, I can already tell they're not just in it for the sex. They care about you, Brendon. There's no doubt in my mind that they do. If they didn't, Tyler definitely wouldn't have stayed the night here with you and helped take care of Grace-- and god, the way Josh looks and talks about you says it all. They adore you. They really, really do, and I'm so happy you're finally getting to experience that. This isn't going to be a setback, it's only going to further your relationship."

Brendon sniffles. "You think so?" He murmurs.

She nods, wiping a tear away from his cheek. "I know so." She decides.

Brendon breathes in and out, eyes closing, trying to soak it all up. There's a lot to take in, and truthfully, he has a big decision to make. He knows he isn't going to help his anxiety by keeping it a secret from them any longer than he has to, but he also doesn't know when would be the best time to expose such vulnerable information about himself to them.

It's difficult.

"It'll be special," Carina mutters, brushing his hair back. "They're going to take care of you. Treat you the way you deserve and want, need."

"I'm still scared." He admits.

"Only the truest things come from fear." She states. "It's never going to become any less scary, but you need to know that it's gonna be okay. I'm sure they're never going to make you feel obligated to give them that, because they care more about your well-being than getting their rocks off."

"I can only hope so." Brendon whispers, mind running, and running, and running.

"I know it's scary, but it's just another stage of your relationship. And life in general." She's so collected, it makes Brendon envious. "It gets easier, you just have to give it a chance."

Brendon stares at her, nodding, one last tear sliding down his face. "I think I can do that."

***

Unintentionally, Brendon falls asleep in bed with his mom. Maybe he just needed someone tonight, or maybe he wanted to talk on and on about memories she'll most likely never remember again, still, he holds her hand, caresses it, busy staring out the window at all the stars.

"It'll be my birthday soon," he whispers.

Grace says nothing.

"Do you remember how old I'm turning?" He continues, knowing full-well she does not, but perhaps he likes to torture himself.

He feels her nod amongst the darkness.

He knows it's a lie.

"How was your thirtieth birthday?" Brendon asks, to distract himself, to prod.

Grace licks her lips. "Boyd. . . Boyd took me bowling." She murmurs, nodding to herself, and Brendon can feel his stomach flip subtly at the mention of his father.

"That was your fortieth birthday." Brendon informs, sighing a little to himself. Frustrated, really. Frustrated that she still gives her ex-husband the time of day even when she can't remember shit. He doesn't deserve to be thought about. Brendon blocks out his existence as much as possible, truthfully, which leads him to wonder. "Do miss Dad any?"

"Dad?"

"Boyd."

"Oh," Grace struggles with everything at this point. Does she even know who the person she'd once call the love of her life is? "Boyd is nice."

Yet, it eats away at Brendon. "Nice people don't leave their fucking family once he considers them fit enough for the world." He shakes his head, shoving his face further into the pillow beneath him. This is why he can't think about his father.

Grace says nothing.

It's nearly awkward, but that's probably because she can't even recall what he's referring to.

Brendon sighs. "Sorry," he whispers. "Let's go to bed, Mom."

There's some silence. "My neck's uncomfortable." Is all she gets out.

He has to recollect himself for a moment. He's overwhelmed. With everything. There's countless thoughts-- unwanted thoughts at that-- circling his brain, but nonetheless, he props himself up for a second as well as his mother, fluffing out her pillow, and asking her to lay down once again.

"Better?"

"Yes," Brendon pulls the blankets up for her.

"Are you ready now?" He wonders, feeling absolutely exhausted.

"Ready for what?" Grace says it so calmly, and confused, which makes Brendon's heart ache because not even two minutes had passed since he brought it up.

"To go to bed, Mom." He whispers.

"Oh," she murmurs. "Yes, sweetie. I'm ready."

"Okay." Brendon turns to his side, slowly curling into himself, but not before squeezing Grace's hand for a moment. "Goodnight, I love you." He dwells on every circumstance, yet it seems like he does that constantly, so it's no surprise. "I love you so, so much." He gets out.

"I love you too," she assures.

It's enough for Brendon. It's always just enough.

***

By Sunday evening, Brendon is so fucking relieved yet so fucking scared to head to Tyler and Josh's house. He kisses the top of his mother's head, wishing her well, and texts Carina that he's heading out. Immediately too, he gets a text that wishes him well.

It's convenient, definitely.

He listens to the radio on his way there to try and kill off the anxiety he's facing, which doesn't help very much at all, but it's okay. By the time he's parked in front of their house, the sun is already set. He thinks that coming later is for the best though considering if his nerves get any worse, he can say goodnight, take everything into account, and deal with it in the morning.

With that in mind, Brendon's walking up to the door. He doesn't knock like he might of. Josh texted him early to head right in once he arrives.

So, that's what he does.

Once he's inside, he's slipping off his shoes, laying his bag down too in the meantime.

Glancing to the right, he sees the light on in the kitchen, but no one in there, so he looks to the left, and his heart rate increases when he sees the light off in there as well, but the TV on, and Josh's feet hanging off the arm of the couch.

Brendon bites his lip, dragging his own feet into the livingroom.

Once he's far enough, he's able to look down at Josh absentmindedly twirling a curl around his finger. But, once he sees Brendon, the biggest grin pulls at his cheeks. "Finally, my man arrives."

Brendon swallows thickly, smiling.

Josh reaches his arms out. "Wanna keep that promise and hold me now?"

It's casual.

Brendon appreciates it more than he thought he would. After all the trauma he has subconsciously been putting himself through, Josh calm, collected, hooded eyes and steady features-- it makes those clenched fists and chest pains dissipate in seconds.

Brendon inhales, exhales.

"How am I supposed to spoon you on that tiny ass couch," he jokes.

Josh sits up, hair in a fit of curls, body so relaxed. It makes Brendon needy. "Who says you have to spoon me?"

There's some silence. Not an awkward one, not an uncomfortable one, but one that makes Brendon tilt his head with the smallest of smirks, a foreign blooming feeling in his chest the longer he gets to look at Josh like this. In the most delicate and careful way possible, he's alive, beautifully, simply sat on the couch but somehow the way his body is at rest, and his hair is a mess, and his eyes are deep, and his hickey is still prominent-- God, Brendon feels like he needs to gasp for breath.

"How should I hold you, then?" Brendon finally pipes up.

Josh connects their hands. "Not that I've been thinking about this all weekend-- because I totally haven't," He's giddy. In so deep. "But I still think that laying on top of you is really comfortable. So we should do that. And you hold me. And kiss my neck if you want because I like that."

Brendon let's Josh pull him onto the couch. "That sounds good to me."

Josh nods. "Good. Because I lied and I actually have been thinking about it and you're the only one who can do it right."

Brendon chuckles, shaking his head. "Not even Tyler?"

Josh shrugs. "Guess I just need a big burly man to protect me."

Brendon stares at him for a moment, trying his hardest not to laugh maniacally. This is just too funny. "I'm seriously the farthest thing from a big burly man."

Josh hums. "A lot closer than Tyler is," he decides. It's true. And before Brendon can say anything in return, Josh is pushing on his chest to lay him down. "Now hold me already. I'm needy and I've missed you more than I can comprehend."

Brendon's heart flutters as he says it, nodding along. He feels warmth fill his entire body once Josh sits in his lap, and as soon as Brendon is completely laid down, Josh does the same. Though, unlike Brendon, he brackets his legs and arms around him, snuggling his nose into his chest.

Josh inhales, exhales, inhales. His settled nature makes everything feel at ease.

Brendon threads his fingers through Josh's hair, carefully looking down at him, pleasantly suprised to see him looking right back. Eyes hooded too, so content, comfortable. It makes him feel confident in some strange way.

Josh kisses his jaw.

Brendon kisses his temple.

"Where's Ty?" He wonders after a moment.

Josh hums. "Showering." Brendon watches as his eyes fall shut the more effort he puts into messing with his hair. "They'll be out in just a second though. Doesn't take them long."

Brendon nods, closing his eyes as well.

There's some more silence between them. The television show plays in the background but it's a distant memory, because all Brendon is able to focus on is the beautiful man right here.

Though, the silence is broken after a moment.

Josh huffs a little. "Are you doing okay?" He whispers. Tentative.

Brendon's Adam's apple bobs. "I guess. Why?"

Josh plays with the hand he has in his hair, trialing his fingers, touching his skin, appreciating every aspect of his being. "Because you weren't doing well when we called the other day. And you were crying. And you told us you've been considerably more anxious than usual." Josh shakes his head slightly. "I think I have a right to be worried."

Brendon sighs, those nerves he lost easily coming right back. "I told you. . . Something's just been eating away at me." He's thinking about it again. Fuck. He's thinking about it again. Fuck. His foot is bouncing. "I talked to Carina about it. She's the only one that knows." Breathe. He has to remind himself. Don't let it perpetuate you. "She told me what she thinks would be best and I agree, yet I got here and now it's the last thing I want to talk about."

Josh frowns, kissing his chest through the fabric. "Baby, I know whatever it is must be scary for you, but you can tell us anything. I'm serious. We aren't going to judge you, or humiliate you. Anything. We're here, you know?"

Brendon's hand stops in place, simply gripping a few strands of Josh's hair. "I don't know." He murmurs. "I have a feeling it's going to make everything awkward. . . And I. . . I don't want that. God. Just thinking about it makes me so fucking anxious."

Josh sighs, meeting eyes with Brendon again. He lifts his pinkie. "If I promise you we won't it awkward, or a big deal, or too overbearing for you, will you tell us?"

Brendon sinks his canine tooth into his gum, chest heavy. "Maybe," he whispers.

"Maybe's enough." Josh concludes.

Brendon can cry if he really wanted to. Josh's eyes are welcoming him but his heart and mind are both running away. Nonetheless, he's wrapping his pinkie around his, throat tightening up as it happens.

"Later, maybe." He gets out. "Because Tyler needs to know too--"

"I need to know what?"

Brendon almost jumps, but Josh's body keeps him stable.

Tyler walks into the livingroom, clad in a way-too oversized pale yellow long sleeve, Brendon barely catching the black basketball shorts beneath it. They immediately are tapping Josh's leg too, silently asking him to make room for them, and with the assistance of Brendon, they make that possible. He and Josh end up in the corner of the couch, Josh's back pressed against his chest, Brendon's arms around him.

"What were you talking about?" Tyler continues.

Josh squeezes Brendon's hand when he feels him tremble. "Bren was just saying that he'll maybe tell us everything that's been upsetting him." There's a pause. "Later."

Tyler nods. Quickly, they're meeting eyes with Brendon. "Okay." They say. "Dinner in the meantime?"

Brendon wants to say no. He really, really does. "Okay." He whispers.

**Trigger warning: anxiety over food. Past that, crying and mentions of sex. Be safe, my angels.**

Tyler nods another time. "Would leftover chicken parmesan be alright?"

"Yeah,"

Without another word, Tyler is standing up from the couch, making their way into the kitchen. While Brendon watches them, he sees Jim walk down from the stairs, but instead of coming into the livingroom with him and Josh, he rushes into the kitchen once hearing the microwave begin.

Brendon huffs, leaning his head onto Josh's shoulder.

"We both shaved our beards." Josh suddenly comments.

Brendon chuckles, a hand gripping his pec slightly. "Yeah." He shaved his yesterday, late at night, in the bathroom while his mom was sleeping.

"We look so sexy." He continues.

"I can only imagine how upset Tyler is about this," Brendon mumbles, trying to distract himself from what's really on his mind.

Josh laughs a little, biting his lip at the thought. "I think I saw a tear roll down their cheek as I was shaving it all off." He jokes, and quickly, Brendon is shaking his head, laughing along with him.

"You're so stupid," he says.

Josh continues laughing lightly, absolutely content with every circumstance. Brendon wishes it were the same for him, but instead of dwelling on it anymore, he and Josh watch the TV show playing until Tyler comes back. Once they've sat three plates onto the coffee table, he's surprised to see them also bring wine.

Brendon furrows his eyebrows.

Tyler catches it, shrugging. "We didn't end up drinking it last night and I'm not letting it go to waste." There's a pause. "Is that alright?"

Brendon nods easily. "Yeah, of course."

They nod with him, afterwards, sitting down on the floor. They pour each of them a glass, not too much, but just enough, and Josh joins them then, so Brendon decides to as well.

"I like how the majority of the time we choose to eat on the floor instead of at the table," Josh comments, chuckling after he takes a bite of his food.

Tyler smiles, carefully. "I can't miss Chopped."

"I know, baby." Josh leans his head on their shoulder.

Brendon tries to focus on them. Only them. Because they're glowing, happy, pleased, and that's the last thing he feels when getting ahold of the fork. He doesn't want to think about it anymore, really. He cuts a piece of chicken and stuffs it into his mouth before his mind can run and make him overthink the entire situation. He's chewing, and chewing, and chewing, and chewing. He must have been chewing on just that one piece for a least a minute or so before swallowing, and afterwards, he subtly pushes the plate away.

Tyler and Josh don't seem to notice.

Brendon turns to face them. "Did everything go well yesterday with your parents?"

He doesn't preface it as Josh's parents, because he knows well enough by now that they're just as much Tyler's parents as they are Josh's.

Tyler nods. "Yeah, it went well. We both missed them a lot."

Brendon hums, Adam's apple bobbing, fingers fiddling together. "Did you. . . Talk. . ." He's trying his damn hardest to distract himself, maybe even get some closure that Tyler is doing better off than when he last saw them.

Their silence speaks volumes, though.

They slowly take a sip of wine, swallowing thickly in thought. "We did." They disclose after a moment. "They told me the same thing you did," Brendon hates the fact that he can barely remember what he had said, but luckily, Tyler continues. "They think it would be best to focus on the people that are most important to me, and really. . . Cut off contact with my family. Mom--" They shake their head. "Sorry, Josh's mom-- advised that I don't reach out to them any but instead let them do so, and if they don't, then that pretty much lays it all out on the table for me. She said I need to stop chasing what I can't catch." They whisper the last part, it obviously being something very difficult for them to grasp.

Brendon frowns slightly. "How do you feel about that?"

They sigh. "I know it's for the best." They get out.

"It definitely is."

They nod, twirling pasta around their fork. "Doesn't mean it's easy." Is what they end with.

Josh kisses their exposed shoulder at that, rubbing his nose against them a few times as a silent response. A comforting one. Tyler has him whenever they need it, and Brendon wants them to know it's the same way when it comes to him, but he has no idea how to prove that.

At the thought, he drinks his wine. Fast. A lot faster than he should, definitely, and by the time he drinks it all, he knows what he needs.

He pushes the glass towards Tyler. "Could I have more, please?" He murmurs. Sheepish.

Tyler observes the state he's in. His usual anxious one, yet he's provoked, and Brendon is sure they know that. What he's not sure of though is why he's thinking about what he has to confess when they were just talking about Tyler's situation. It makes no sense. Or maybe it does, because it's no surprise to know Brendon has a guilty conscience.

He's relieved when they pour more into his glass.

He's not relieved when they then push his plate forward.

Brendon sighs, picking up his fork again.

He's thinking.

He's thinking about it. He's thinking about everything. He's thinking about what happened when Tyler and Josh were away for the wedding, and he's thinking about what Josh told him had happened in their hotel. He's thinking about his anxiety attack over hickeys, and he's thinking about what's holding him back.

Brendon looks away from everything. Everyone. Facing the window.

"Can I tell you something?" He asks, so quietly. He's scared. Terrified. It feels like he has finally overflowed.

There's silence amongst them.

Josh carefully moves his hand to squeeze Brendon's, and Brendon squeezes back. His chest aches at what he's about to say, his stomach twists too. He's definitely not going to be able to eat after this but hopefully it will help all the anxiety he has built up dissipate.

Brendon turns to look at both of them, heartbeat pounding in his ears. "When you left for the wedding and I was taking care of Jim. . ." He feels like he might throw up. Fuck. This isn't good. "I, uh. . . I. . ."

It's clear that neither Josh nor Tyler know where this is headed.

Brendon can feel tears well in his eyes.

"I went to go get his treats in the drawer. . ." It's then, once he says that, where the confusion disappears almost completely. "I didn't find his treats." He concludes, not wanting to further it anymore. His heart feels as though it's about to rip right out of his chest.

Josh blinks.

Slowly, he's turning to look at Tyler, running a hand through his hair. "Did you seriously not write down which drawer,"

Tyler seems like they don't know what to say. "I was rushed." They state.

Josh shakes his head, chuckling, screwing his eyes shut. "Oh, my god."

Brendon's cheeks heat up slightly.

There's a moment before anyone says a word, and he doesn't know what to think. He holds Josh's hand tighter, hoping he could comfort him, give him some assurance, but he also has no idea what that would look like in this instance.

Though, Josh does turn to him again. "Sorry." He decides. "You probably weren't ready to see all of that, were you."

Brendon's eyes focus on nothing and everything all at once.

Is this the time?

Does he say it now?

Is he ready now?

Well, shit, he's never going to be ready, but that doesn't mean he should keep it to himself for an eternity.

Okay.

He can do it.

There's a silence, a pause, a question, an answer.

"I'm a virgin." He whispers.

Once it's said, off his chest, it seems like he's getting straggled by an invisible force. Panic. That's one, and then there's another. Anxiety. He can't breathe, he can't. Before he can think either, the tears are spilling, and his whole body trembles the longer nothing is said.

"Sorry," he croaks out. Still humiliated despite the lack of reaction.

Josh shakes his head, brushing away the tears with his free hand. "Hey," Brendon cries more. "Hey, you're okay. It's okay. Don't cry."

"I'm sorry." Brendon repeats.

Josh shakes his head another time. "You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing to be embarrassed about. You're okay, Bren. Breathe. Breathe." He rubs a hand up and down his back, inhaling and exhaling loudly for him to follow.

Brendon watches pitifully as Tyler stands up. They walk around the coffee table until they're able to sit down behind him, holding him tightly so his back is against their chest.

"Can I tell you something?" They murmur after a second, kissing his neck.

Brendon doesn't know what to expect. Still, he says, "Okay."

They huff, fingers trailing around his body, soothing. "We've known."

Brendon can't be surprised. "Okay." He whispers.

"It's alright." They assure. "You didn't have to be scared to tell us that."

Brendon shakes his head, sniffling. He's so fucking overwhelmed. "That's not true," he mutters, eyebrows furrowed. "You. . . Sex. . . Sex is such a big role in your lives unlike mine and I don't want you both to think that I can't. . . I don't know. That I can't give you everything you need, or that you'd rather have someone else. I want to be with you both so much. . . I don't want lose that."

Tyler swallows thickly. "Brendon, you mean a lot more to us than sex."

Another tear slips down his cheek. It's silent. "I want to be enough." He tells them.

Josh traces his lips, catching his attention. "You're a lot more than enough, okay?" Brendon frowns, nodding, nodding, trying to get it to sink into his skull. "It doesn't matter whether you've had sex or not. We don't care about that."

"We're always going at your pace." Tyler continues for him. "We say it a lot but it's true. That means you can tell us whenever you're ready for anything, or if something has already been initiated but you're uncomfortable, you to tell us, too. A big part of our relationship is learning what we are and aren't comfortable with. Just like any relationship."

Brendon holds Josh's hand like a lifeline.

He only feels capable of nodding along.

"I know what Josh likes and what he doesn't, and he knows the same for me. I know that you like your hair being played with but don't like it very much when I take a more controlling role, and that's okay. You know that I don't like certain words, or my hair being touched, and so on." They examine his features, brushing his hair back. "It takes time. And just like time, you can take yours. We aren't going to pressure you to have sex with us. If it ever feels that way though, you need to tell us."

"I know." Brendon gets out.

Tyler nods. "Okay." There's a pause. "Can I ask you something then?"

Brendon can't stand the thought, but he knows it's for the best. "Yeah,"

Tyler nods another time. They grab the hand Josh isn't holding, the two of them rubbing circles into his skin. "When you say you're a virgin, do you mean you've never done anything, or are you just referring to penetration?"

Brendon's body goes hot. He sighs. "I mean. . ." He sighs again. "My, uh, ex-girlfriend did. . ."

He groans, shaking his head.

Tyler is patient. They both are. "You can tell us. It's important."

"It's just embarrassing to talk about," Brendon mumbles.

"I know. But you can do it." They're being so gentle with him. Brendon can't help but feel safe. He's worried, anxious, but he's safe. He knows he is.

"I've gotten a few. . . Handjobs." He discloses.

The corner of Tyler's lips tug upwards. "Okay." They brush the last few tears that have fallen. Brendon considers he's done. It all happens so fast; that seems to be a common theme with him. "Anything else?"

His eyes shift downwards, trying to ignore the anticipation. "A blowjob too," he whispers, and it feels odd. He hasn't thought about it in years. He hasn't thought about anything related to sex in years, really. It's probably the last thing on his mind, but ever since this last month or so-- this past week-- he has been thinking about it a lot more.

Josh and Tyler both nod. "Did you like it?" Tyler eases in.

Brendon flushes. "Well. . . Yeah?"

"Okay."

Brendon's eyes are wide. "Why did you ask that?"

"Just to make sure it didn't make you uncomfortable, Bren." Tyler looks back to the television. "For future refrence."

At that, Josh seems concerned. "You are okay with the possibility of us doing something like that together, right?" He makes sure to ask Brendon, the both of them still holding his hands.

It's somehow a heavier question despite knowing it would come, or at least assuming they already knew the answer. Brendon worries how unclear he has been throughout these four months of knowing one another, because of course he's willing to participate, yeah. He wants to be theirs in every way possible. He's just scared. He's always so scared.

"Definitely." He murmurs.

Josh's smile is petite. "Okay." Brendon watches how fixated his eyes are with his own. "Do you want to talk about preferences or should we wait?"

Brendon shakes his head. "Not. . . Not yet." That would make it all too real for him. He's alright with floating for now.

"Later?" Tyler wonders.

He nods.

Tyler does too, letting go of his hand. "Let's finish dinner for now, then." They decide, moving back over to where their food is. Josh let's go of his hand as well but kisses the back of it before anything.

Afterwards, he leans forward and kisses Brendon directly on the lips. Softly. Gently. Tenderly. He just barely pulls away once they've both gotten enough, still against one another when he says, "Thank you." Another kiss, and he goes into Josh's heaven. "We're gonna take care of you." He assures.

And Brendon believes it.

***

Thank you @panicingkoshy for the art! It's adorable!