Someone suggested I start chapters off stating the trigger warnings beforehand (there will be some warnings in the midsts of the chapter as well, don't worry) so here's what I would suggest you look out for:

- Mentions using sex as self-harm.
- Major talk about hypersexuality in general.
- Anxiety/crying over eating.
- Eating disorder being talked about.

Be safe. Not all of these will be warned about again because some are terse, so please, read with hesitance. I want you safe.

***

Brendon wakes up abruptly when he hears the door open and Josh call for Tyler. Quickly though, he looks down at Brendon's groggy and distraught state, saying, "Oh, shit. Sorry. I didn't think you'd be sleeping."

Brendon is too tired to say anything. He only groans and turns around in Tyler's hold, curling into their chest. They're so warm, so inviting, and any worries he may have had before are completely gone now that he has rested. Well, they were at least, but that's before Josh speaks up again.

"I need them. My sister's here. She wants to say hi."

Brendon can feel his heart nearly give up. "Your. . . Your sister's here?" He whispers.

Josh probably nods. He can't see.

Instead of being curled into Tyler's chest for warmth, he's curling into it for protection, going into hiding.

"Yeah. Her and I have been working together all day." He comments. "You don't have to go and meet her if you don't want to, Bren. I can understand if it's too much."

Brendon bites his lip, pushing his face further into Tyler's chest until he can barely breathe. They haven't woken up yet. It's no problem. He only wants to feel safe again, and knowing that one of Josh's family members is in the house with him is not helping with that.

He continues the silence, so Josh continues trying to get Tyler awake. He walks to their side of the bed and plants a hand onto their shoulder, shaking them until they're jolting awake. But what takes Brendon and Josh both by suprise is the pure panic in their voice when they rush out, "Brendon? Brendon, what's wrong?"

To which Josh shakes his head. "It's just me, babe."

Tyler blinks a few times, looking up at him. They breathe out a sigh and nod, touching his hand at their shoulder while holding Brendon tighter.

"What's happening?" They ask him.

"Abby's here. She wanted to say hi." He explains, and Brendon feels his heart beat pick up its pace even more than before.

"Oh yeah," they murmur. "I'll be down. One second."

Josh nods, and instead of walking away, he leans down to kiss them. Brendon doesn't try to ignore it. He doesn't need to, because he is so used to this by now. He's used to listening to the sound, he's used to feeling a need in his chest, he's used to the way he begins to crave more and more each time it happens.

"I'll be downstairs." He mutters against their lips.

Tyler does nothing but nod, and afterwards, Josh makes his way out of the bedroom. Not before running a hand over Brendon's arm reassuringly, though.

It's obvious he's nervous. How could it not be.

After a moment, Tyler kisses his head, running their fingertips up and down his back. "Think you're up for meeting Abby? She's really nice."

Brendon shrugs, breathing in, breathing out.

"I know it's scary. Remember though, she knows about you. For now as our friend, but still. I would say to do it if it won't be too overwhelming for you, because there's nothing to worry about." Brendon wants to stay here with Tyler like this for as long as he possibly can, but he knows for a fact that's not possible. "Josh's family is just as nice as him." They add.

That's what gives him a little bit of clarity.

Josh is too nice for his good. If his family is the same way, well, why wouldn't Brendon just meet his sister? He should. He knows he should. It's another step in their relationship-- an important one.

Despite knowing this, it's still terrifying.

Tyler helps Brendon pull his face out of their chest, making him look at them. "We'll both be right there with you. She won't be here for long, anyways. It's okay. You'll be okay."

Brendon swallows thickly.

He looks at them intently, and they do the same. He wants to find that solace again, which, of course, comes easily. As soon as he gets it, feels it, he leans forward and presses his lips against theirs, only for a moment. The planets align naturally and the sun takes over any trace of the moon.

He pulls away. "Yeah." He whispers.

A tug pulls at their lips. "Yeah?"

Brendon nods. Tyler kisses him another time.

Though, that's another thing that doesn't last long. In only seconds, Tyler's slipping out of bed and Brendon watches carefully as they bend down to grab a piece of clothing off of the floor. He shouldn't be looking. He knows. He knows-- but he can't help it. Their shirt lifts, exposes, and Brendon's cheeks take all the guilt in color.

As Tyler stands back up, they put one leg in after the other and pull the sweatpants up to their hips, making sure the shirt falls back down to cover their front again.

Afterwards, they look back to Brendon.

They stare.

They think.

They wonder.

Nonetheless, they stick their hand out. "Ready?"

Brendon nods another time, grabbing their hand. They help him off of the bed but as they're about to leave the room, Tyler stands in front of him so he can't move.

"What?" Brendon wonders, anxiety through the roof.

"To save you the embarrassment," They say. He's still as confused as ever, but that's until they grab the hood of his top and bring it closer to his neck to cover the side of it. To cover his hickey.

The color of his face becomes warmer.

"Thank you." He gets out.

Tyler does nothing other than hum. Finally-- or maybe it shouldn't be very relieving-- they walk out of the bedroom. Every step they take, the more the swell in Brendon's chest becomes an ache. Painful. So, so painful, but he tries his hardest to breathe through it because he's not willing to have yet another anxiety attack.

No.

Once the both of them make it to the bottom of the stairs and they're about to turn the corner where Josh and his sister's voices are coming from, Brendon stops right in place.

No.

Maybe this was a bad decision.

Immediately too, Tyler stops with him. "Hey, are you sure you're alright?"

Brendon can't get a single word out.

He shakes his head, and slowly, takes a seat at the bottom step. He has no idea where his mind was. Thinking he could actually meet someone from their family? It's funny, really. Brendon can't do anything. There's no way he would be able to do this.

"I can't." He whispers.

He pulls his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around them, sticking his head there as well.

Tyler leans down. "You can." They state, easily. "Don't get in your own head. It limits you." Brendon thinks it's funny coming from them, but that's when they say, "I'd know."

Brendon huffs. Sighs. Exhales. Breathes. All of the above. He considers that he owes this to them because just so long ago he was telling them to not overthink something so much and continue with their day. Tyler slept in their underwear.

Brendon can meet Josh's sister. Yeah.

"Okay." He voices, shakily standing up again.

Trail and error. It's reacurring when it comes to him.

Tyler nods, and once they see that he is as ready as he'll be, they lead him into the kitchen.

The space is warm as usual, the flower petals still fall onto the table, but there's something new. Someone new. Not new to Tyler or Josh, new to Brendon, which is the scariest part.

Abby looks their way when they come in. Her and Josh are sitting at the table, both looking at something on their laptops, and it feels like time itself no longer exists. There's a pause, a freeze as she stares, and Brendon quickly notices how tight his throat becomes.

Tyler steps in when he makes no move to speak up. "Remember us talking about Brendon? This is him."

Abby smiles, easily. "Hey." She says, no questioning look, no further curiousity. It helps him ease down, just a little bit.

Brendon bites his lip, and afterwards, they wobble into a small, scared smile. "Hey."

Her smile stays, but her eyes shift focus to Tyler. She stands from her seat then, reaching her arms out, and they accept the offer easily. They pull her to their chest and rest their head on top of hers. Brendon looks to Josh.

He has no idea what to do now.

He stands there awkwardly, considering that maybe if Abby knew them as more than friends he would sit in Josh's lap, kiss him hello, ask him how his day was and run his fingers through his hair. But, he can't, he won't, so he settles for walking past her and Tyler and takes a seat beside him instead.

Josh grins widely, nothing further than that.

"Mom and Dad said they're coming over this weekend for dinner," He can hear Abby mention once she pulls away.

Brendon slowly watches the interaction. He pulls a knee to his chest, resting his chin atop of it, heart still stuck in his throat. It beats with a sting, swells with a burn. He doesn't know why this is so nervewracking even after he has said hello.

Tyler nods. "I invited them over. I miss them."

"They miss you too."

Tyler sighs in return, subconsciously wrapping their arms around themself. "Good. I need them right now."

Abby frowns at that. She reaches out and squeezes their arm momentarily, trying to give them that reassurance. Comfort. Something. It seems like everyone knows that's what they need right now. "Josh told me what happened. I'm so sorry, Ty. Are you feeling any better?"

Tyler shrugs, shaking their head.

Abby exhales heavily. "You already know Mom is just going to sit you down and talk about it for ages." She chuckles, hand dropping from their arm. "Get the wine ready."

"I will." They mutter.

Abby nods along. She turns back around though and grabs a camera Brendon didn't even realize was there, bringing the strap around her neck. "I'm gonna head out. Just wanted to check up on you."

Tyler nods as well. "Love you."

Abby smiles. "Love you too."

She begins walking towards the entrance, but before leaving, she looks towards Josh. "Be extra good to them. For me."

Josh rolls his eyes, smiling just like her. "I'm already doing my best."

Abby shrugs. "I know. I just wanted to remind you." She holds the door knob. "Bye, Brendon. It was nice to meet you. They talk about you a lot." She comments, and before anyone could further it, she walks out.

As soon as the door closes too, Josh touches his thigh.

Brendon quickly turns around to look at him.

"I missed you." Josh says.

Brendon touches his hand, running his fingers up and down his skin for a moment to ground himself. "I missed you too."

Josh hums. "You look so cute when you wake up. It's been hard not kissing you."

It's probably only because of how overwhelmed he is right now, because once again, Brendon's cheeks flush. He's getting better with taking compliments but he supposes this time he isn't ready. Everything is still loud, still frightening.

He's coming down, though. Slowly.

"Kiss me, then." Brendon whispers.

Josh grins. "Come here, then."

As Brendon stands, he glances to Tyler, and they've moved to the kitchen by now but they're watching. His heart rate picks up again because of this. It's going to happen. He's finally going to kiss one of them in front of the other.

Why is that so exhilarating?

Carefully, Brendon sits down in Josh's lap. He wraps his arms around the back of his neck and Josh wraps his arms around his waist, teeth on show for him to see. His hair is so long, so handsome. He is so handsome, really. Brendon's heart swells in the correct way this time, running his thumbs over Josh's growing beard. Brendon nearly forgot that he said he was growing it out.

"Are you gonna shave soon? I forgot what your face looks like without it." Brendon wonders, because he can.

Josh chuckles. "Is that really what you're thinking about right now?"

"Yes."

He laughs, turning to Tyler. "What do you think. Should I shave it yet?"

Tyler hums. "I think it's hot."

"We know." Josh states.

Tyler blinks, looking at him longer. "I guess I miss your face."

"You guess,"

They smile. It's relieving.

Josh smiles along with them, turning back to face Brendon. "When are you gonna shave yours, then." He says, scratching Brendon's growing facial hair.

"Too much effort." He explains.

"I'll shave mine if you shave yours." Josh decides, eyes crinkled in pure joy.

Brendon shrugs. "Okay."

Immediately, Tyler sighs from the kitchen. They both look that way when they hear it, seeing them stare longingly at the two of them. They're leaning against the counter, chin propped up by their hand.

"What's that look for?" Josh asks.

"I'll miss my hairy men." Tyler says.

Josh laughs once again. "You'll survive."

"Not sure about that." They move, always moving, always needing something to do. They go to the fridge, pulling stuff out that makes Brendon's mind run, but he ignores it before it's too overwhelming. "I need you both hairy to make up for my absence of hair."

Josh looks amused. "Is that what it is?"

"Yes."

Josh bites his lip momentarily, eyes becoming hooded. "I just think you're a weirdo who likes hair."

Tyler hums. "Maybe." They bring more food out. Brendon still ignores it. "Now kiss so I can be an even bigger weirdo and watch."

Josh grins. "Fine by me." He looks to Brendon, who is gulping, trembling, warm. "Fine by you?" He wonders, running a hand along his body until it gets to his waist. There's a dip there. A pretty noticeable one, which is ironic because Brendon hadn't really noticed it until now.

He nods. "Yeah."

Josh nods, too. He's about to lean in, but Brendon threads his fingers through those curls of his and pulls him close until their lips meet, paying no mind to the way his stomach churns at the thought of kissing Josh again, paying no mind to the fact that he knows Tyler is watching.

It's more thrilling than nervewracking, really.

Once they pull away, he breathes against Josh and goes in for more. Until the waves clash, until the stars mesh together to make something bigger and more beautiful. He pants, even. Rubs their noses together and smiles carefully when Josh presses a soft kiss to his bottom lip and nothing more to finish it off.

Josh's eyes are still like coffee. Warm, inviting, loving, addicting. Everything about him is addicting-- who is Brendon kidding?

He can look at them all day.

But, he doesn't. Instead he turns to Tyler and watches the way their eyes are darker than most coffee. How they're tasteful, yet ongoing. There's something more, there's something needy, there's something lustful. Their eyes aren't coffee, but they're just as addicting. He sinks until them and drowns in the flavor.

How does that work?

Tyler blinks. "I like that."

Brendon is as warm as ever. Piping hot.

Josh chuckles. He leans into Brendon's chest and lets his hair tickle his chin. "I know you do."

Tyler's lips tug upwards. They keep quiet.

Josh decides to continue. He lifts his head to kiss Brendon's Adam's apple, and his nose piercing is cold against his skin, in the best way. It's a reminder that Josh really is here treating his body like treasure, cherishing it. It's unbelievable that it's true, but Brendon passes it off to bask in the beauty.

He lets the kiss travel afterwards. Going closer and closer to the crook of his neck, and when he presses his lips to a certain area, Brendon immediately twitches from the sensitivity.

Josh pulls away.

He sits back but brings the neckline of the hoodie away from Brendon, and that's when a smirk grows onto face.

He turns his head to Tyler again. "You marked him up."

Tyler shrugs. "He's mine."

The glint in Josh's eyes is something else. "You always do fun things when I'm gone." He complains. "What if I wanted a hickey? What if I wanted to give him one?"

Once again they're speaking like Brendon isn't in the room, or maybe not. Maybe Brendon should get used to the casualty of being so involved. It's an important step to becoming comfortable with them. There's no reason not to.

"Don't act like you're so deprived." Tyler murmurs.

At that, Josh sinks further into the chair, smirking even more.

Brendon's eyes nearly widen.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Tyler shakes their head, starting something at the stove.

Josh huffs. "But what if I want more?"

"Then you stop being so needy and enjoy what you get." Tyler decides, beginning to sear something on the pan. It makes Brendon's stomach twist in the worst way and he wishes it was different. He wishes things were simpler. "I give you enough."

Josh hums. "Give me more."

Tyler throws him a certain look but ends up saying nothing.

Josh focuses on Brendon once again. "Did you like it?" He wonders.

Brendon shrugs nervously. "I got too overwhelmed." He admits, because he knows for a fact Tyler would probably end up telling him anyways. "I've. . . Uh, I've never gotten a hickey from anyone."

Josh's brows lift. "Really?"

Brendon nods.

Josh holds his waist tighter, licking his lips. He's so bold. "Maybe I'll give you one, then. You know. For the double experience."

Brendon bites the inside of his cheek, far too caught up in his own head to accept that offer right now. In all honesty, it's not even tempting because of what happened with he and Tyler today. "Maybe later." He says, quietly. He's embarrassed, too.

Josh nods. "That's okay."

Silence fills the room, but Brendon would say it's pretty comfortable. He stays in Josh's lap and allows his fingers to roam, to his shoulders, to his chest, to his waist, to his back, to his hips. He's so touchy today. So needy. Brendon begins to wonder if he's just always like this and is becoming more used to acting like himself around him.

Either way, it's not overbearing.

Though, Josh speaks up once again. "You both seem exhausted."

Tyler and Brendon say nothing. Practically trying to pass it over.

Josh's eyebrows pull together. "What happened?"

Tyler sighs from the kitchen, turning to look at him. "I had an anxiety attack today."

Brendon can genuinely feel how Josh's heart skips a beat because of how close they are. How sad he is to hear those words. He frowns, touching Brendon's waist in a different way, and he knows he wants him off of his lap, so he moves to do that.

Right afterwards, Josh is walking into the kitchen. "Any reason in particular?" He wonders.

Tyler's eyes cast downwards. Insecure. Ashamed. "I was planning to go to the grocery store, but I couldn't find anything to wear, and. . . You know. It happened again. It always does."

Josh exhales heavily, looking at them with his brows furrowed in concern. "It's that bad again?"

Tyler's Adam's apple bobs.

Josh shatters, piece by piece. It's slow. "Baby," he whispers.

"We should have never gone to the wedding." Tyler suddenly admits, because of course. This all began from that. The constant misgendering; the harsh reality that they will never get the acceptance they need no matter how hard they try. It breaks Brendon to know. They deserve the world.

Josh shakes his head. "I told you that from the start."

"I know."

"We aren't going to anything else." He continues.

"I know."

"I fucking hate them."

"I know."

Josh sighs. He touches their waist and Tyler is still so vulnerable, somehow looking small despite being taller than him. Brendon knows they wouldn't want him to think about it that way because they need reassurance that they are "big," but he can't help the thought. Their walls finally fell and he nearly forgets what they were like with them.

"What do you wanna do tonight?" Josh wonders.

Tyler shrugs, feeble.

"Something fun?"

They shrug again.

Josh turns to Brendon instead. "What do you wanna do?"

Just being in their presence is all Brendon needs. They don't have to find something to do for the time being, because even just getting to look at them makes everything better. No words are needed, not even a touch. This is perfect. Anything is perfect.

At the thought, Brendon says, "Whatever is fine."

Josh hums, pulling Tyler close to kiss their jaw before walking away. They need to get back to cooking, anyways.

He sits down beside Brendon. "I've been meaning to ask you something, actually. I was waiting until Abby left." He explains, and immediately, Brendon doesn't like it. If he felt better saying it once his sister wasn't around, it must be serious, right?

Still, he nods slowly. "Okay."

Josh runs a hand through his hair. "Why do you have a carseat in the back of your car?"

Brendon exhales out of relief. "It's Hayley's son's." He says. Tyler glances towards him, only for a moment. "I don't know. Her car wasn't starting up this morning and so I offered to drop them off where they needed to go. She forgot it I guess."

Josh's lips go crooked. "Doesn't she need it though? How old is her son?"

"Five."

Josh blinks. "Brendon, you should probably give it back as soon as possible. I wouldn't imagine her to have a spare."

Brendon's anxiety peaks at that. "I. . . Okay. But I don't. . . I don't want to leave."

"I'll go with you." Josh assures.

Brendon swallows thickly. "Okay."

"After dinner." Tyler pipes up. Their voice makes Brendon shiver. For multiple reasons. He can smell food in the air, feel the churn it causes his stomach to go into. "I'll go, too."

That's what takes him by surprise.

Josh though, he doesn't even blink. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Brendon is nearly distraught. He doesn't understand this. He doesn't understand them. They talk about not putting themself into any social situation when they aren't feeling well mentally, they have mentioned their dislike towards children, they have made it clear that they aren't totally fond of Hayley-- yet, they want to go?

Brendon is not sure he will ever fully get Tyler's thought process.

He clears his throat. "That reminds me,"

Josh only meets his eyes.

"When her and I were talking this morning, Hayley, uh. . . She said she wanted to meet you. Well, after I said she should. Sorry. I don't know. Is that normal? To tell a friend they should meet my. . ." Brendon bites his cheek, warm. "More than friends."

Josh looks so amused it's almost embarrassing. "Yes, Brendon. That's completely normal."

He nods. "Okay. Good. Well, um, you should meet her then. She'll probably have Jack with her, but."

"Jack?" Josh asks.

Brendon shrugs. "Her son."

Josh's smile suddenly appears once more. An unspoken message, and as Brendon glances over to Tyler, their unspoken message is just as clear, too. Theirs isn't nearly as joyful and ecstatic as his, it's more so contained and overruled.

Brendon exhales headfully. "He says he wants to meet you guys, too." He becomes still water. "Well, Tyler."

Somehow, that's what causes them to finally be clear. They furrow their eyebrows, still not looking to him. Cooking. Distracting themself. Staying grounded. "Me?"

Brendon nods. "Yeah. He finds you interesting."

Tyler blinks. A few times. "That's one way to put it," they say beneath their breath.

Brendon's throat becomes tighter. He feels like he's crossing some sort of territory he shouldn't be.

Josh distracts him by running his fingers up and down his knee. "My hoodies always look good on you." He randomly comments. He's probably trying to change the conversation to please Tyler. Brendon wouldn't doubt it.

"They make me feel better." Brendon admits.

Josh smiles lightly. "Good."

When it becomes quiet once again and the only sound is Tyler cooking at the stove, Josh must catch the way Brendon grows uneasy. He swallows audibly, curling his toes and exhaling. Josh though, he stands. Without a word he's walking out of the kitchen. Brendon can frown. "Where are you going?"

Josh just says, "Follow me."

So, he does.

He leads him into the livingroom, and once they're there, he opens Jim's kennel to let him out. Instantly too, he runs right past Josh and over to Brendon, jumping up and down in excitement, mewling loudly.

Brendon smiles. He leans down to scratch behind his ear. "Hi, buddy."

Jim barks.

"I need to change. Come with me?" Josh brings up after a moment.

Brendon pauses. "You want me to come with you. . . To change?"

There seems to be something else behind that, because Josh clears his throat and purses his lips together. "Please." Is all he settles for, already walking that direction before Brendon can fully respond. Nonetheless he follows him upstairs and to the bedroom. Him and Jim both.

Josh closes the door behind them.

He doesn't say anything, for a while. Brendon sits down on the bed and runs his fingers through Jim's fur as he undresses. He tries not to dwell on it too hard, the fact that he's getting to see Josh's bare chest in person. He bites his cheek as his eyes run over his frame when all he's left in is a pair of camouflage boxers.

Brendon can't help but think about how different he and Tyler are.

Josh is built. Not majorly, but enough. Enough to the point where his muscles show when he's doing something as simple as slipping another shirt on, and how the subtly of his abs are there. And despite this, he is somehow not as intimidating as Tyler.

They don't have much of anything. They're thin. Scrawny, even. Lanky. All of those. From their physical appearance, it makes no sense, but it's how they carry themself that adds to it. Josh isn't intimidating. Josh won't be, either. Josh smiles just because and rambles when nothing has to be said. With Tyler, Brendon gets used to the silence. He gets used to their thoughts, the way they flesh everything out before even considering to open their mouth. He gets used to their eyes. Always watching, observing, catching every moment. Their stare. That's one of the many aspects.

Josh has a glint. A jubilance to him.

Tyler does not. At all.

Yet, Brendon can find admiration in both of them. He still enjoys each of their company, no matter the difference, and if anything, the diversity is what makes their relationship so special.

Before he realizes it, Josh is crawling onto the bed and into his lap. It's so smooth, casual, and Brendon immediately holds the side of his thigh with his unaccompanied hand.

Josh sticks his nose into the crook of his neck, pressing a kiss there. "Are you doing alright?"

Brendon doesn't know why he asks, yet, he still shrugs.

Josh exhales.

He slowly sticks his hands underneath the shirt and hoodie he's wearing and runs them up and down his back. Brendon shivers. They're cold, he's warm. Warm enough.

It manages to be soothing despite that.

"It's hard." Josh suddenly admits. "It's hard to help them when they're panicking. Especially when it's about something no one can control, like the way they perceive themself. It wasn't too much for you, was it? I know that's the last thing they'd want to do, put you in a position where you're uncomfortable. It's not like they can control it, though."

Brendon blinks.

That's what he wants to talk about.

He sighs, going back to scratching underneath Jim's chin. "I tried my best." He says. "I'm not. . . I'm not used to be on the other end. I'm always the one that has to be helped, and so it was hard. Yeah. And I just I had to think about what helps me when I have anxiety attacks." Just right now, Josh in his lap and fingers going through Jim's fur is calming him down. "It took a while, but it worked."

Josh nods. "What'd you do?"

Brendon shrugs, staring longingly at himself in the mirror. "I asked them things like 'what do you see,' because it's supposed to help get your mind off the thing you're worrying about."

Josh hums, taking it into account, storing it in his mind. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For helping them, Brendon." Josh states. "It would have been a lot worse if you weren't there. They're so self-destructive."

Brendon frowns.

He knows what that's like.

"I'll try my best." He whispers. Of course. "I just wish they'd understand that their body is nothing to stress about."

Josh shakes his head. "It's not that easy."

Brendon sighs once again. "I don't know. I don't get it."

Josh pulls away from his neck at that, sitting back to look into his eyes. He blinks, grasps the situation. "Gender dysphoria is a mental disorder. Like your anxiety. It's not something you can just overcome because you'd like to. You have to alleviate it."

Brendon's throat tightens.

When it's put like that, he understands, he understands so much that it hurts.

"How can they alleviate it?" He croaks out.

Josh gulps loudly. His eyes lose that jubilance he once was speaking about. "It's so fucking. . ." He huffs. "I don't know. They don't need hormone replacement therapy. That's not what bothers them. They don't want to be a man, they don't want to a woman. It's just their bottom dysphoria. It's never about anything else."

Brendon bites his cheek. "Isn't there reassignment surgeries?"

"There is," Josh says. "But not the kind they need. There's bottom surgery for people that are transitioning from male to female, but that's not what they need." He closes his eyes, trying to keep it together. He's so attached to Tyler's own feelings that it's like they're his own. "They need therapy." He states.

Brendon's chest is heavy. "Therapy?"

Josh nods. "It's the only other option. I think it would be good for them. I've told them this too, and they won't look into it no matter how much I try." He rests his hands under Brendon's shirt opposed to rubbing his skin. "It's hard enough for them to talk about their feelings with people they know, it doesn't surprise me they won't meet with someone who's hired to help them."

Brendon's eyebrows furrow naturally, subtly. "Therapy doesn't always solve everything."

"I know, but it works for them." When Josh catches the confused look he gets in return, his hesitance comes in. "They had it before. For, um, another reason."

"A sex addiction?" Brendon asks.

Josh seems a bit surprised. "Did they tell you?"

He takes a deep breath in, he takes a deep breath out. "They told me today. They said you thought they were hypersexual."

Josh shakes his head. "They were."

Brendon's hands tremble while running through Jim's hair. He's trying frantically to ease down again. This is all so, so overwhelming. "They went to therapy for that, then."

"Yeah," Josh murmurs. "They weren't so closed off then; it was a lot easier to convince them to go once they weren't in denial about the issue. And obviously it didn't help them right away, god no, it took months. Months before they started showing any sort of sign of overcoming. Months before they slowly stopped relying on sex to get them through shit."

Brendon's Adam's apple bobs.

Josh is tense. "Do you want to know how we really met?"

There's a pause, a silence, a confusion.

All Brendon can think is what? Had they been lying to him about it before? He thought they were always honest.

Hesitantly, in need of truth, he nods.

Josh sighs. "We met at a frat party. Like we said." He starts, and Brendon is still lost. "We talked for so long that night. I think that was the problem."

Brendon's brows furrow more. "What do you mean?"

"They lost interest." He states. "We talked for so long, yet as soon as someone else did nothing but look at that in some kind of way, they walked away from me. Followed him. Whispered something in his ear and made out with him right in front of me."

Brendon's eyes widen.

"I watched. I watched because I was confused. I watched because I was intrigued." Josh continues. "I watched when that guy lead them up the stairs, and I watched the bedroom door close behind them." He swallows thickly. "That's how easy it was. That's how natural it was for them."

Brendon has too many questions. "How is that the way you met if they left you at the end of the night?"

Josh's hands pull out from under his shirt.

He sighs, running one through his hair in frustration. "I followed them." He admits. "They didn't even lock the door. I just. . . Walked in. It didn't phase them either. It's was almost like that's how they planned it to happen. They were always so elaborate like that. They somehow managed to get things to fall into place exactly how they wanted them to go."

Brendon bites his cheek another time. "Do you think it was elaborate?"

Josh nods. "Definitely." He looks to the side. "If not me, they for sure did it so someone would walk in."

Brendon's stomach is churning horribly. He knows now why they left this part out when talking about it the night they came over to his apartment.

"What happened then?" He wonders. Nervous to hear the response, but he's also severely curious.

The smallest color of blushes meets Josh's cheeks. "I joined them," he murmurs. "I don't know. I felt like I had something to prove. I was definitely interested in them and I wanted them, so I. . . So I got them."

Brendon has to try his hardest to breathe evenly. "Wow."

Josh sighs. "My point is, they had a problem. A bad one. It took so long for them to give into the fact that they wanted to be with me, and not just for sex. There was a lot of talking and a lot of explaining before we came to the agreement that sex with other people would be fine, as long as it was together. We both still wanted it, anyways. Not just them. It was scary for me too because I've never really felt that way towards anyone. It was just different for both of us."

Multiple thoughts pile into Brendon's mind at once. He doesn't know where to start, he doesn't know if he should even try.

It seems like he doesn't, because Josh speaks up again. "They still struggle a lot, too. It's gotten better, so much better than where they were, but it's obvious when they get into that mentality again."

He glances to Brendon once more, wearily, testing the waters, it seems.

He looks back down.

"Like when we left for the wedding. As soon as we settled into the hotel, it started. They were so overwhelmed, so scared, so stressed, they think it's the only way to cope." He swallows audibly. "Sometimes it's hard to tell them no. Sometimes it feels like giving into what they want is the only way to make them feel better. It's stupid, I know. I know." He closes his eyes, leaning onto Brendon's shoulder. "All I ever want is for them to feel happy. It gets in the way of what really matters."

Brendon's chest is tight. His eyes look frantically around the room to grasp something, distract himself.

He settles for running his fingers through Josh's hair.

"They just. . . Cried, Brendon." Josh whispers. He sounds so unbelievably broken.

Brendon can't help but think that maybe he's too caught up in Tyler's problems to realize Josh has some, too. He has never seen him this afraid. This scarred.

He wraps his arms around him, holding him tightly.

"I didn't know what to do." Josh utters. "It's so scary being in that position. They told me they wanted it and I believed them. They told me yes, they gave their consent, and I believed them. I trusted them, they trusted me, but it still felt so wrong. It reminded me of who they were when we first met, and that's the worst part. They've gotten so much better since then, I don't want them to fall back into it."

Brendon's voice is stuck. Confused. Inadequate.

"They need to go to therapy again." He goes back to.

Brendon bites his lip. Josh isn't looking. It's fine. "Bring it up again," he gets out.

"They don't listen."

Brendon shakes his head. "You need to tell them why. That you want the best for them, that you hate seeing them so destructive. They just need your support to understand." Brendon gulps. "Sometimes help is the scariest part." He whispers.

As Josh lifts his head up and looks to him, the door opens.

Tyler.

"Dinner's done." They mutter.

They observe the situation happening, but opposed to commenting on it, they walk out.

Josh and Brendon look to each other, and without a word, they get out of bed. Brendon does it a lot more hesitantly.

**Trigger warning: heavy mentions of an eating disorder begin here. Be safe.**

They make their way downstairs, Jim following right behind them, and each step closer to the kitchen is another anxiety eating away at Brendon. Before he and Josh can even turn the corner either, he grabs him by the back of his shirt and pulls him close until Josh is wrapping his arms around him.

Brendon breathes heavily against him, panting, hyperventilating.

Josh runs a hand up and down his back. "Bren, it's okay. You don't have to be nervous to be around them--"

"It's not about Ty--" he stops. Pauses. Reconsiders. Lies. He can see food on the table, staring him down, winning when it comes to intimidation and he knows he can't let Josh be aware of this. "Sorry. Nevermind. Yes it is."

Josh tries to pull away, but Brendon keeps him close. He doesn't doesn't want to look into his eyes.

"Brendon. . ." Josh whispers. "It's not about Tyler, is it."

Brendon shakes his head. "It is. I'm sorry."

Josh tries once again to pull away, but Brendon won't budge.

"Brendon, you need to tell me the truth. Don't lie to me." Josh says, his tone unclear. It makes Brendon's stomach twist more horribly than before. He wants to throw up. He needs to throw up.

"I'm not lying. I'm sorry. I'm just nervous knowing everything now." He tries. He tries so hard.

"You're lying to me." Josh states. "Stop lying to me."

"I'm not lying!" Brendon shouts, pushing him away. "Do you. . . Do you not trust me?"

Josh crosses his arms. "The first step to recovery is acknowledging you have a problem." As he says this, Tyler walks into the room and watches. It's too much. Three sets of eyes on him, and one of them is an inanimate object.

It's sad.

Brendon bites his lip, tears welling in his eyes. "You and Tyler always-always tell me that you trust me. Why is it now you change your mind?" He chokes up while he migrates to the floor, sitting on the last step at the staircase. He pulls his knees to his chest, tucking his face into them, because all he wants to do right now is hide away from everyone and everything.

Jim immediately is at his side too, sticking his snout in between him. He tries his best to pry his head out; it doesn't work. Brendon even sticks one of his arms out to keep him away.

He cries then.

He cries because he's helpless, he cries because he's frustrated.

He cries because he's in denial.

After a dreadful moment of staring and nothing more, he can feel someone sit beside him. It's Tyler. He knows because their nimble fingers run through the back of his hair, and opposed to instantly questioning him, they dwell on it. Their breathing pattern isn't frantic at all, either. They're calm. So calm, and it's such a grand juxtaposition to Brendon's state.

"I want you to tell me what you've eaten today." They say.

Brendon cries harder.

Tyler grabs ahold of his hand. "Lift your head up and tell me. It's okay, Brendon. You're okay. You need to tell us the truth."

Brendon sniffles. His entire body trembles out of fear.

Tyler squeezes his hand. "You're okay." They repeat. "Don't be scared. You're safe with us."

He wants to hide forever. Never see the light of day again as long as he doesn't have to give in. He's too terrified to have a clear head, he's too ignorant to know when a line has been crossed. He's fucked. So, so fucked up.

But maybe he owes it to them.

Brendon slowly lifts his head.

It's pitiful how ruined he can become in just seconds. His lips are already swollen, his face is already pink in color. Tyler's eyes scan the entirety of it, and Josh watches from a few steps away as his lips wobble mercilessly.

"I-I had a couple of bites of ramen." He says.

He never ate all of his Cup O' Noodles at lunch.

Tyler blinks. "What about yesterday?"

Brendon frowns, eyes screwing shut again as he cries another time. The tears always seem to keep coming, and he nearly feels bad because there have been far too many today. He's only adding to the mess. He always does. "I don't-- I don't know."

"You don't know?" Tyler questions.

"I can't remember!" He shouts.

"Think about breakfast." Tyler starts. Brendon immediately shakes his head.

"I don't eat breakfast."

Tyler shakes their head. "You were here for breakfast yesterday, Brendon." They state. "You ate then. Only some of it. You picked at it the entire time and tried talking to Josh and I to make it so neither of us noticed."

Brendon's chest, shoulders, head, heart-- they're all heavy. "Oh,"

"What else. What did you have for lunch?"

Brendon feels horrible. "Nothing."

Tyler nods, like they expected it. They probably did. "Dinner?"

"Nothing." He repeats. Brokenly.

Tyler nods again. "Now think about that. Can you say without hesitation that you don't have a problem? Can you say that you shouldn't be worried when you haven't had three meals each for the last two days. Not just that, because you haven't even had a meal."

Tears fall. A heart breaks at the same time.

"You're hungry." They state.

Brendon wishes he was never born.

"We're going to help you. Like you help me, like you help Josh. But you need to be willing. You need to be aware that this is an issue." They pull his head close and kiss his forehead. "Can you do that?"

Brendon clings to them like they're his only source of life. It feels like it.

"I know you can." Tyler continues.

Brendon sniffles, staring at nothing. He feels numb. He is numb. Without having to look either, he knows Josh's eyes are boring into him, expecting, waiting, and it's dreadful. He doesn't remember what it's like to be okay, but he knows it's not this. And maybe that's a sign.

"I can do it." He whispers.

Tyler breathes against him, nodding another time. "Yes."

Brendon bites his lip, trying his hardest to refrain himself from crying anymore. He's so weak. "What's for dinner," he wonders sheepishly.

"I made you salad. It has everything you need."

Brendon sighs. "Okay."

He's not hungry. He's too anxious to eat. He'll throw up if he does right now. His anxiety is what is keeping him from enjoying a meal. He won't be able to get anything down when he's too overwhelmed. He's fine.

These are all things he would say, think, deflect with, but for the first time, he won't. He doesn't know what to believe anymore. He thought he could trust himself but it seems like his brain and his heart are on completely different paths, and so his only option is to be lead down what he can only hope is the right one.

He begs that Tyler and Josh will do that for him.

Slowly though, Tyler stands up, and Brendon feels naked.

They reach their hand out. "You can do it." They encourage. It's faith. A faith Brendon didn't know he needed. "You don't have to eat all of it. Just some. Go at your pace and don't make yourself sick. It's okay. Baby steps."

Brendon lets them help him up. They wrap an arm around his waist because he's frail, and afraid, and not prepared for any of this. He's being guided too, from the staircase to the kitchen table. Tyler even helps him into the chair.

It's just salad.

Only salad.

Tyler and Josh sit with much more than that in front of them.

Even Jim. His bowl is full, and the sound of him eating it sloppily, excitedly, happily hurts more than he thought. Even a dog is doing better than him.

Josh and Tyler don't watch him as he picks up his fork; they probably consider the fact that this is already intimidating for him and their stares wouldn't help his case at all. But, even then, he still feels eyes on him. Eyes that will only haunt his being. Eyes that only he can feel.

Brendon's Adam's apple bobs. "Can we talk about something?" Anything.

Tyler looks to him. "Brendon," they mutter.

"No, I just. . . Please. I'll eat. I'll eat. Just please, let's talk about something." He's desperate for a distraction.

Tyler observes every aspect. There's a willingness there, a subtle one, and he supposes that's what gets them to agree. They finish chewing and nod, leaning back into their chair. "Are you going to your mom's this weekend?"

Brendon feels like he can breathe again. "Yeah." He says. He nearly forgets what it's like to be anywhere else but here during the weekends, and he already knows that it's going to be especially lonely without Tyler and Josh there with him. Of course he'll have Carina, but it won't be the same. "It'll be weird."

Josh frowns slightly. "Why do you say that?"

Brendon shrugs, sighs. "I don't know. I'm so used to being around you both that just being with her again is going to be different. I miss her though. I do." He glances down at the salad, hand trembling when he gathers some onto his fork.

He doesn't understand why this is so difficult now. It was only two months ago where he was eating salads everyday in the breakroom and didn't have to think twice about it. Why is it hard now? Why did things change? Has this always been a problem and he's just now taking it into account?

God, he's a mess.

Brendon notices quickly that this isn't an ordinary salad. There's chicken, celery, red onion, even cranberries.

He bites his cheek.

"I'm sure it'll be good. You'll get to see Carina, right? She's nice." Josh mentions. Probably sensing the nerves.

Brendon nods. "Yeah. She is. I miss her." He murmurs. Thinking about it, Carina helps him so easily. When she stayed the night and made him food in the morning, she convinced him to eat in the blink of an eye. How does she do that? Maybe he just wants to do the best for her.

Maybe he wants to do the best for Tyler and Josh, too.

He slowly lifts the fork up to his mouth and takes a bite.

No one mentions it.

It needs to be casual.

Still, there's something in both of their eyes that gives him an unspoken reassurance. He feels okay. He feels okay.

"She was nice to me." Tyler comments.

Brendon shrugs. "She's nice to everyone."

"That's a good person to have around," They say, and it is good. Yeah. "I'm glad you have her. You deserve someone like that. I know she makes you happy, too."

Brendon nods, leg bouncing. "Will I ever meet your friends?"

He gathers more salad onto his fork.

Josh hums, swallowing the rest of his food before speaking up. "They live out of town. Our close ones. They usually come visit sometimes when they can, so if they do, you should definitely meet them. They're awesome."

Brendon continues breathing. Living. He has to.

He takes another bite of food. It's harder this time.

He chews slowly and painfully, gulping harshly just to get it down. His stomach growls. Dislikes it. Or maybe that's something he has made up in his head. "What are they like?" He asks, trying to pay attention to something else besides his own problems.

"Their names are Matt, Julia, Morgan, and Awsten." Josh states. "Matt and Julia are together. They started dating after college, and Morgan's a freelance designer. She's all over the place but it's honestly kinda charming." He chuckles in thought. "And Awsten works at an LGBT+ center. He's cool."

Brendon blinks. "Oh,"

Josh nods. "You'd like them. They'd like you. Especially Morgan."

Brendon's eyebrows pull together. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You seem like her type." Josh smiles while he says it, to which he looks over at Tyler and they nod in agreement, saying, "You're right."

Brendon blushes.

He glances down at the bowl of food another time, breathing his way through it. Again. It's the only thing he has practiced.

He takes another bite.

Agony settles in his heart, his stomach, his brain. He wishes things were simpler. "Are we still gonna go drop off the carseat?" He wonders, hoping that something delicate like Jack's curiousity and Hayley's easiness can help him.

Josh nods. "Yeah. Once we're done."

Tyler's demeanor loses its touch. Still, they say nothing.

"Okay," Brendon whispers, sighing to himself. He wants to get out of this situation as quickly as possible, but he's stuck, always stuck, and not even Josh or Tyler can pull him out of this rut no matter all of their will to do so, it seems.

***

The three of them sat there much longer than they needed to, and it was all Brendon's fault. Tyler and Josh both finished all their food while Brendon played with his, trying to gain enough courage to go in for a fifth bite.

Eventually, he got there, but that was the last one he took.

And Tyler said it was okay. That he did well. Them and Josh hugged him, too. They hugged him tightly and told him to get his shoes on so they can leave and return Jack's carseat.

**Trigger warning over.**

He inhales, he exhales.

Brendon convinced them to take one of their cars opposed to his because he didn't feel like driving. He couldn't. That's not where his mind is at all right now. And, Tyler and Josh seemingly understood without having to be told twice.

So, that's where they are now.

It's weird.

Brendon sits in the backseat, staring lazily at Tyler and Josh in the front. He never really considered what it would be like for three people in a relationship to be in one car together, but now that he knows, he's well aware of how awful it is. He feels so detached from the both of them because of something as simple as being in the back, alone.

He holds Jack's carseat in his lap, staring out the window.

It isn't raining, but he wishes it was to add to the affect. To his mood. He wants it to rain to make up for his unshed tears he would let out if he wasn't with anyone right now.

But, he is.

Josh has one hand on the wheel and the other holding Tyler's at the center console, rubbing his thumb up and down their skin. It's soothing. So, so soothing, and Brendon doesn't even need to be the one recieving to know.

Tyler's head is lolled against the window, eyes closed.

No music plays either. It's silent. Brendon can't tell whether it's comforting or not either, and that's the worst part.

He just ignores it to the best of his ability.

***

Once they finally get to the apartment complex, Brendon is reluctant to get out of the car. He bites his lip, bounces his leg, swallows all the saliva pent up in his mouth before Josh asks, "Do you want one of us to go with you?"

Brendon considers it. "Both of you. Please."

There's more silence.

Josh glances to Tyler, and Tyler's Adam's apple bobs. Nonetheless, they nod. "Okay." They murmur.

Brendon nods as well.

Josh takes the keys out and slips them into his pocket before anything else, and once he does, the three of them are quick to get this done with. Brendon shivers, Tyler holds his hand. They're tense. He's tense. Everyone is tense.

Today didn't turn out the way he'd like it to. No, not at all. Usually being around Tyler and Josh is relieving, but nothing about their time together right now has been. If anything, it has made him even more anxious than he was before, and it's just so fucking unfortunate.

"Ready?" Josh asks.

"Yeah," he utters. So with that being said, they make their way over to the stairs, careful with each step. It's dark. They're all drained. It even feels like Brendon is a copilot to his own body.

It's not long before they're walking past the door to his own apartment and are standing in front of Hayley's. Josh presses the doorbell after a moment once noticing no one else could or would.

Tyler's hand tightens around his as soon it happens.

He squeezes back.

There's some shuffling on the other side of the door and some mumbles Brendon can't quite catch before it's opening to reveal Hayley. She seems confused at first, but once seeing Brendon, she's smiling. It's so carefree and needed, and despite the tension between the three of them, the fourth being relieves it.

"Hey," she says.

Brendon sticks a hand out. "You, uh, you left this in my car. I didn't know if you have another so I wanted to bring it, just in case."

Hayley grabs ahold of Jack's carseat. "Thank you." She gets out. "I didn't even realize I left it until after work, and there wasn't much I could do, so I called Chad. Luckily he has one, too." Her eyes shift to Tyler and Josh. "Is this. . .?"

"Yeah." Brendon assures.

Hayley nods, smiling. "Awesome." Tyler's hand tightens in his once again. "It's nice to meet you."

Josh is bashful. He's charming. "It's nice to meet you, too." He grins.

Before anyone else can speak, loud little footsteps rush through the apartment, and during the time, Brendon can hear, "Momma! Who's here?" Jack. He runs into the room in monkey pajamas and a surprised face when seeing the three of them at the door. "Brendon!" He shouts. He walks closer, in the doorway looking up at Josh and Tyler.

Tyler digs their nails into his skin the longer it happens, and god, it hurts, but he's not willing to say anything. He knows they're anxious. He knows they're scared. They need something to ground them, and if that is this, so be it.

"Josh and Tyler?" Jack wonders.

Hayley nods. She picks him up from under his armpits and eases him to her side. "Say hi,"

Jack's smile is so big. "Hello!" He looks in between both of them. He points to Josh. "You're Josh?"

Josh is jubilant. He nods.

Jack then points to Tyler. "Hi, Tyler. I wan'ed to meet you. Brendon says he's learned lots of things from you. Can you teach me, too?"

There's a pause.

A painful one.

Brendon and Josh both glance to them, and their chest is moving up and down quickly. He has no idea where their mind is at, if they're even going to respond, but after a moment of consideration and eyes on their frame, it comes out. "Maybe." Is all they say. Their voice cracks. It fades off into a whisper.

They sound. . . Scared.

Jack doesn't seem to sense their uneasiness. He's just a kid. It wouldn't make sense for him to.

He smiles even wider. "Good. 'Cause I wanna be the smartest."

Hayley dismisses Tyler's façade. She blinks a few times before turning her head to look at her son. "You're already the smartest."

Jack shakes his head. "Nuh uh. I wanna be smarter."

Hayley rolls her eyes. "You have high hopes, kid." She carefully lowers him back to where he's standing on his own once again. "Go back to your room. It's almost time for bed."

Jack frowns. Instead of doing anything to disagree though, he look back up at the the three of them. "Bye, Brendon. Bye, Josh. Bye, Tyler. G'night." He gets a smile in return before he walks off. From two of them.

Hayley clears her throat once he's away. "Thank you for bringing this back." She says. "I do have to get him ready for bed though, so I gotta go."

Brendon nods easily. He doesn't want to be here any longer than he has to, anyways. Especially not when it's so obvious Tyler isn't comfortable right now. Maybe he should have let them stay in the car. "I'll see you when I see you." He decides.

Hayley's lips turn upwards at that. "I'll see you when I see you." She repeats. Then, she looks to Josh and Tyler. "Goodnight. It was nice meeting you."

Josh nods in return. "You too. Goodnight."

With one last careful smile, Hayley closes the door.

It's odd. So odd.

No one says a single word. It seems like they don't have to. The message is clear; they need to get home and sleep. Wake up in the morning to restart. Try to fix what went wrong the day before, because there's not a single doubt in anyone's minds that today definitely could have gone much, much better.

Once the three of them are back in the car and Josh begins driving off, he tries to reach for Tyler's hand. It's obvious something is wrong, and he probably knows more than anyone else besides themself. Yet, when his fingers touch theirs, they're quick to pull away from his touch. They don't even look at him while they do it either. They're too caught up in their own head. Always.

So, as Tyler stares out the window in search for something bigger than themself, Josh weeps silently.

Brendon doesn't need to see, he knows. He knows because Josh confessed his guilt. Whether it was subtle or not, it was clear to him. Something isn't right no matter how many times the two of them try to overcome. They're doing everything they can possibly imagine to be happy, and yet, they never reach it.

Brendon wants to wonder why, because happiness is all he wants for them, but he can never come up with a conclusion himself despite his effort to do so.

It would be hypocritical of him to, so, he keeps quiet and lets each of them weep. Even himself.

He has too many things to consider.