That night was the worst in my life. 

I knew it hadn't meant anything, so why was this affecting me so badly? I knew it could never happen, I shouldn't have done it in the first place.

Night had come and I lay motionless in bed staring up at the ceiling. 

This day had been the worst since I joined the Greater Good. 

My heart broke when he said earlier today that we'd better forget about the kiss.

I knew my fantasies would never become reality, but right then, when I was kissing him, I felt hope. Hope that he might love me back. But, of course, he doesn't.

A silent tear slid down my cheek. I had never had a broken heart before. At least not like this. When my family passed away it was different. Now I felt empty and hollow, my chest ached and I couldn't stop crying.

''If this is love, I don't want to have anything to do with it,'' I whispered silently.

There weren't many people left who cared about me. So I take it when it comes. Eventually, I would use them to get what I want. That's what love was, wasn't it? I hated to admit it, but it always made me feel more certain about myself when I could tell someone cared about me.

I had felt alone for so long that I wasn't even sure what it felt like to be loved anymore. My feelings had become a blur. Mostly a negative blur. I was alone in the world. Alone with my feelings of doubt and hate.

I was a difficult and complex person. My mind was often something I didn't even understand myself. 

I had so much hate inside of me, so much thirst for revenge. People had taken my ability to love, or so I thought.

My strategy had always been the same; never choose a side, do what is best for yourself, hurt everyone you need to accomplish your goals and never, and then I mean never, create a weakness.

Love was the best-known weakness existing. I hadn't really loved someone but Owyn for a long time, but then Grindelwald appeared. 

A caring and handsome man who I thought cared about me. A man that showed me my ability to love wasn't destroyed yet.

But then I found out I loved the wrong person. I shouldn't have loved him. It brought me pain and agony. That's all love does.

I rolled onto my shoulder and sobbed softly.

I hadn't expected it to happen, but after some time I drifted off to sleep.

It was a sunny day and I was walking through the corridors of Nurmengard. Not really having a destination in mind, I decided to go to the owlery and visit Owyn.

Before I had the chance to climb the stairs to the tower where the owlery was located, I froze when I heard a voice behind me. ''You look good, (Y/N).''

I trembled visibly. ''That's not possible,'' I said to myself as hot tears stung my eyes. ''I'm here, though,'' the voice said.

I turned around and stared at my father who stood leaning against a wall near me. ''Dad?'' I asked, my throat dry. 

''Yes, sweetie. It's me,'' he said opening his arms to me. I ran toward him and jumped into his embrace.

''I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry I was the only one to escape...''

''You weren't,'' he whispered barely audible. I retreated and watched him quizzically. ''What do you mean?'' I asked confused. He sighed and leaned back against the wall. ''You weren't the only one to escape the fire,'' he said again.

''Your mother and I cast a protection charm and held you firmly in our arms you were only one at the time. Your brother died in the fire, but your mother and I also survived,'' he said sadly. 

I started shaking my head. ''No,'' I chuckled. ''No, that's not possible. I saw your gravestones,'' I said anger bottling up inside of me.

''Yes, but that doesn't mean we actually died,'' he said. ''They supposed our corpses had burnt in the fire, but we survived and went into hiding. We feared for our lives because we knew the fire wasn't accidental. Someone tried to kill us,'' he explained.

''Then why have you never searched for me!'' I said my anger exploding. ''Because we were afraid of what might happen. You have to understand we didn't put you in the orphanage because we didn't want you. We wanted to keep you more than the world. But that wasn't possible. We were afraid you might get killed when they'd attempt to kill us again.''

''We had no choice. But that is not what I'm here for. I have to tell you something that you really need to know.''

He hesitated, searching my face for a reaction. ''You have a little brother,'' he said slowly. ''It is very important you take him under your wing and make sure nothing happens to him, he has a very important destiny to fulfill,'' he said earnestly. 

''Why, what makes him more important than me?'' I said tears blurring my eyes.

''Never say that! You're just as important as him. Never let anything happen to both of you,'' he said. 

''You could've told me that sooner,'' I mumbled. ''Before you died, maybe. That might've been a good time.''

Suddenly my mind cleared and I looked up at him. ''You're not real,'' I said. ''None of this is real.''

He started shaking his head and neared me. ''You and mom are dead,'' I said backing away. 

He extended a hand but I roughly pushed it away. ''No! Don't touch me,'' I yelled. ''This is all another nightmare,'' I chuckled, staring at him as a tear slid down my cheek.

He stopped walking and smirked madly. ''Maybe you're right,'' he said, his voice suddenly turning cold and hostile. 

''We're dead. Your brother is dead. Your mother is dead. Everyone is dead. You're alone.'' 

Suddenly everything went dark and more voices joined my dad's. I recognized my mother's, my brother's and Queenie's. 

Their voices reached over the endless murmuring that surrounded me.

''You're nothing. You're pathetic.'' I fell to my knees and clamped my hands against my ears trying to shut out the voices as I cried. ''Oh, look. It's crying. You're weak. You're stupid. You're untalented.''

Then Grindelwald stepped from the darkness. He had a small, warm smile on his face. 

I looked up at him, my cheeks wet. He offered me a hand and pulled me up. He wiped my tears away and kissed me deeply.

When he retreated his face turned dark and he watched me annoyed. He leaned forward and whispered in my ear, ''You're worthless.''

All I saw was his smirk through my blurred vision before I was falling into endless darkness.

I woke up with a panicky gasp.

It took me some time before I realized it had just been another bad dream. Just a figment of my imagination and nothing more. 

I leaned back against my pillow and sighed heavily. Was this how life was from now on?

I tried to get some more sleep but my feelings were too messed up. 

It was still dark but I didn't mind. I preferred darkness. 

I got up, got dressed, fastened my black cloak around my shoulders and pulled the hood over my head.

I held my wand tightly in my hand and slowly opened the door, glancing both sides before slipping out of my room and into the dark corridor. 

I sneaked out of the castle and strolled into the forest.

I enjoyed the crunching snow under my feet as I proceeded further through the trees. I always retreated into the forest when I was upset or when I needed some time to think.

A soft breeze flew by and I closed my eyes and inhaled the fresh night air. 

I looked up and saw the stars and the moon through the trees. 

The night sky was my favorite view; the small glinting dots smiling at me from the ocean of darkness.

I was called back to my senses when I heard a faint, familiar screech. I looked around alarmed. 

''Lumos,'' I whispered holding out my wand in front of me. I neared the sound and felt a soft tick against my shoulder. 

Gasping in fright I jumped up and looked around.

When I realized it was just a branch I turned back to the weak screeching sound. 

Suddenly, it hit me. 

''Owyn?'' I whispered softly. I heard a screech in reply. 

I hurried to the male snowy owl, I now noticed lay on the ground. I crouched next to him.

His eyes had almost fully closed and his wing was stuck in a weird angle. The snow beneath him had turned dark red. 

I watched him with tears in my eyes. ''No,'' I said wiping them away. ''I'm not going to lose you too,'' I said confidently as I scooped him into my arms and carried him away, back to the castle.

I had managed to straighten his wing with the help of magic but I had also noticed a big tear across his belly that was bleeding heavily. I cast a spell that was supposed to stop the bleeding, but it didn't.

I was desperately searching for a way to save him but I couldn't think of anything other than I had already tried. No potion nor any spell could stop this. This was a magical wound.

''Finite Incantatem!'' I yelled pointing my wand at Owyn again. Of course, it didn't work. I didn't care how many people might wake up because of my yelling and screaming. I needed to save Owyn. 

I scooped him into my arms again and ran out of my room. I hasted through the dark corridors and banged against the door to Grindelwald's quarters.

When no one responded I burst into tears. ''Please! I need your help!'' I yelled desperately. Blood was relentlessly seeping from the wound and onto my arm and hand. ''Please!'' I screamed.

Owyn was the last in this world who still loved me. I couldn't lose him too. 

Heavy footsteps neared the door and it was yanked open the next second.

In front of me stood an annoyed, shirtless Grindelwald wearing only black trousers. 

His expression turned concerned when he saw me. ''What happened,'' he said quickly relaxing slightly. ''Owyn is dying, I need your help!'' I sobbed hysterically.