Excitement and nervosity pulsed through my body as I considered what was about to happen.

It hadn't been crystal clear what he had meant. But if he meant what I thought he had meant, then I had all reason to be nervous.

I had never been close enough to anyone to start a real relationship, so every step that he and I took forward, was all new to me.

I knew I wasn't his first. But I didn't care about that. It might even be a good thing that at least one of us really knows what they're doing.

I held on tightly to his arm, sensing that he felt somewhat nervous too. But it made me smile. It was good to know that even he, the impenetrable and emotionless man, also had the same experiences as any other human.

The knot of nervosity in my stomach didn't go away. Worse, it made me look around a little anxious when I realized that we had arrived back in our room at the familiar castle of Nurmengard.

He noticed this and looked into my eyes. ''Are you sure?''

I stared into his calming eyes for a second. My mind was racing. Did I want this? Was I sure? Because once done, there was no way back. I had never even thought I would lose my virginity in the first place, but now I seemed to have to make the choice in less than a second.

But then I felt a strange calmness run over my body and I smiled at him, then nodded and took his hand.

''This is just all very new to me. I'm just a little nervous.''

I knew that 'a little' was underestimated, but I didn't want to look like a chicken. People of my age weren't usually virgins.

He smiled charmingly before rubbing my arms. ''We can go slowly if you like?'' he said.

I smiled again and nodded.

Then I felt his hands retreat from my arms and he slowly moved them towards the buttons of my dress.

I swallowed my anxiety and breathed in his familiar scent. It made me feel a little calmer, but my heart was still thumping madly with every move he made.

''If you want me to stop, just say so,'' he said before my dress dropped down onto the ground and I stood there in my undergarments.

I felt exposed and ashamed at first. But once he started to kiss me, slowly at first, the shame washed away and I started tucking at his clothes.

He slowly took them off, keeping his eyes on me all the time. And when he returned to me again, he was only wearing his trousers.

He slowly lead me to the bed, while kissing my lips passionately. I sat down and he kneeled in front of me. Looking up for permission, he slowly started taking off my knickers.

I felt my hands tremble and felt the anxiety in my chest rise.

He noticed this and placed soft kisses on my knee and thigh, while slowly removing my knickers completely.

I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to calm myself down. Which worked, eventually, and I focused on him standing in front of me.

''Are you ready?'' he asked slowly as his own pants dropped onto the floor.

I took a deep breath and then nodded with a smile.

I sighed contently as I felt his fingers move down my bare back, trailing my spine with his fingertips.

After our lovemaking, he had pulled on his pajama trousers and offered me a pair too. He knew by now that I found them more comfortable than my nightdress. I was glad that he didn't think anything of me because I preferred trousers over a dress.

Now we were lying there together, in the dark. I wasn't wearing anything to cover up my chest, but I didn't mind. I felt comfortable, relieved and happy.

''Are you feeling any regrets?'' he asked softly while placing a kiss on my shoulder.

I felt a shudder running down my spine and pulled the blankets up higher against the cold. Then I smiled at him and felt a blush come to my cheeks.

''None at all.''

He smiled and pulled me close as he closed his eyes for a moment.

I watched his content expression for a few seconds before feeling the urge to ask him about his past relationships.

''You really seemed to know what you were doing,'' I said slowly. He chuckled and opened his eyes.

''Followed my instincts, I suppose,'' he said with a small smile.

''I know I've asked it before, but I'm really curious. You know so much about me and my past. But I can't help but wonder what yours was like.''

He sighed and shook his head. "My past isn't something I like to talk about. I would rather not be reminded," he said softly. "I will tell you, one day. But not tonight."

I couldn't help but notice that he always tried to change the subject, or just blandly refused to tell me when it came down to his past.

His hand traveled over my body, caressing me on my back, arms and shoulders. But then suddenly he stopped. ''What's this?'' he asked pulling the cover down a bit.

Damn it. The spell has worn off, I thought annoyedly.

There, under his hand, and reaching down my complete arm, were all kinds of scars differing in size. Some of them were from the orphanage when that terrible lady used to hit and abuse me, but most of those were on my back. These were caused by something else.

The scars were too even to be inflicted by accident.

''Did you used to harm yourself?'' he asked, slight anxiety hinting his voice.

I pulled the blankets up again, not feeling in the mood to talk about it. ''I did. But I stopped. There's no need to worry about anything,'' I assured him. I was about to reach for my wand on the bedside table to cast a fresh spell, but he grabbed it before I could reach it.

''Why?'' was his curt question.

I knew he was afraid. And I also knew he was aware that self-harm was addicting and that he did not fully believe that I had stopped.

''Because I hated myself, and there was no one to tell me that I was actually good enough to be alive.'' Slowly tears came to my eyes, but I fought them off. Convinced that I wouldn't cry over such a thing. ''Because my parents had left me alone in this terrible world of pain and hurt. Because I didn't feel good enough.''

He embraced me slowly but said nothing.

''People have never been kind to me in my life. Except for maybe one person. But he died. Everyone dies. People leave me, betray me and refuse to understand me. What would you do in such a situation? I have been alone my entire life. I didn't have any trust in humanity and that wasn't going to happen, either. People are terrible creatures. Selfish and greedy.''

I felt angry. Angry at the world. At its people who let me fall all these years. How was I supposed to lead a normal life with my past? It would always haunt me until the day I die.

''When was the last time?'' he asked softly.

I hesitated, not sure if I should tell him, afraid of what he might do to 'protect' me.

''The day I joined the Greater Good,'' I said curtly.

''Then you've obviously found another way to give your feelings a rest. I'm proud of you,'' he said stroking my hair.

I didn't expect that. At all. I had expected he would start telling me it's no good to harm yourself and that it'll get me nowhere.

He seems to truly understand me, I thought surprised. I knew he did his best but I hadn't expected him to act this cooly while talking about it.

''I told you about me. Now tell me about you,'' I urged him.

But he shook his head and said, ''It's late, we should go to sleep.''

Then he closed his eyes, and I knew that the conversation had ended, there was no point in trying to start again.

''So how was it?''

Of course, I ran into Queenie the next morning, and it was clear that she couldn't contain her excitement. Not that she tried to.

''Tell me everything!'' she screeched.

I sighed but smiled nevertheless. She never seemed to become tired of her curiosity about what happened between me and Gellert.

''It was nothing really.''

She watched me with a knowing look. ''You've never looked so dreamy in your entire life.'' then a grin spread across her face. ''I already know how it ended, tell me about that later. First, how did the date start?''

Before we started this conversation, I would like to be in a more private space. We were too exposed in the middle of the corridor and it made me nervous.

''Let's go somewhere private first,'' I said, before pulling her along towards her chambers.

Once there, she sat down on the bed and waited for me to start my story.

''He took me to the beach. To the place where we first met. There we watched the sunset. Then we walked for a bit until we arrived at this place where he had placed a blanket and we gazed at the stars. We talked. I'm not going to tell you about what, but I think someone with your imagination can come up with something. Then we went back to Nurmengard.''

She hung to my lips with every word I said.

''And?'' she asked expectantly.

I sighed and grinned at her. ''We had sex.''

She grinned wider than I had ever seen her grin. It felt unnatural.

I grinned back and said, ''What? Is it really that special if that happens between two people in a relationship?''

She sniggered. ''Well, it is because you two are the cutest couple I have ever seen. I support you both with all I have. I'm really happy for you. Besides my own excitement, of course,'' she said with another grin.

I rolled my eyes.

''Do I really look like I had sex? Since you noticed it immediately,'' I asked a little anxious.

She nodded. ''But that's normal. It'll wear off after some time. But for now, congratulations.''