"Davina, are you still with me?"

I blinked. Binalik ako sa kasalukuyan ng mahinahong boses ni Dr. Callaghan, my therapist. There was a lace of condescension in her tone.  Inayos niya ang kanyang salamin habang maingat ang mga mata niya sa likod nito.

"Sorry, I've been stalling." Tipid at mahina akong natawa sa sarili at umayos ng upo.

Maunawain  siyang tumango. Her eyes narrowed thereafter, telling me she's back to business.

"You haven't told someone about what happened?" she asked warily.

Umiling ako. "Walang may ibang nakakaalam maliban kay papa at sa kaibigan ko. The one who rushed me to the hospital that day..."

Charlie found me that night, at agaran akong diniretso sa ospital. I was revived. I could have died had it not been for him. Iyon ang sinabi ni papa na nakausap si Charlie bago ako naggising at siya ang bumungad sa tabi ng aking higaan.

Hindi na kami nagkita ulit mula ng araw na iyon. Connections, perchance through money, napadali ang pagdala ni papa sa akin dito sa New York. I haven't been in contact to every one I left behind ever since. Not even spare a glance on their social media accounts.  Dahil na rin umayon akong ma-admit sa rehab dito.

"At napaginipan mo kagabi ang nangyari noon? The reason of your sudden visit," Dr. Callaghan deduced. Nakabaon sa dalawang hintuturo niya ang magkabilang dulo ng kanyang black ballpoint pen.

"Alam kong wala sa schedule pero hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit bigla ko na lang napaginipan iyon. It's been six years since that happened. I've been suppressing the memory while in rehab."

Aaminin ko, mahirap sa loob ng institution. I have to deal not just getting rid of wanting to do drugs again but also I had collected ammos for the battles of my anxiety, guilt and self infliction.

And to think that I have a hardwired compulsion to be different, every single day we always follow routines. Schedules. From waking up in the morning, we have to fold our sheets kaya magaling na akong tumupi ng kumot ngayon.

Hindi ko naman nagawang pakawalan ang pagguhit dahil may art therapies din kami sa loob. I socialized with other patients. Though, I still classify my people. We have frequent sharing sessions at kadalasang nakakasalamuha ko ay mga alcoholics and people who deal with various kinds of addictions.

May naging kaibigan akong babae roon, a socialite from the Bronx who was addicted to sex. She tells me everything dahil madaldal din siya. Reminds me of a friend. If she couldn't find someone to get off with, she watches porn. It's weird but, I don't why we clicked. I left her in rehab, though. Mas nauna kasi akong patawan ng parole.

Call it impossible, but when I saw Nolan walked in the institution habang nagwawalis ako sa field, I swear fate just bitch-slapped me in the cheek! I cried as I was running to him. Imagine the shock on his face!  Pati siya ay hindi makapaniwalang makita ako pagkatapos ng libing ni Tori. May pinsan siyang binisita na nagtatrabaho roon  bilang counselor.

Six months, I got released. Wala na akong balak balikan kung ano mang mga maling desisiyon ko noon. I got past them and I have no plan to return.

Until that dream last night. Sa anuman, naging bintana ang panaginip na pinapasilip ako sa nakaraan.

"Has this happened before, Davina? You haven't mentioned about dreams from our last session." Wariness made a way for her concern.

Inabot ko ang origami flower sa isang porcelain lotus vase at pinaglaruan.

"I had it when I was in rehab. But it didn't even sit close enough to put me through the mill. The rest are just flashbacks which I understand since it's in my deliberate intention to revive the memories."

Habang nagsasalita ako ay nagte-take down notes si Dr. Callgahan. Lumikha ng ingay ang bawat pagdaan ng ballpoint sa papel. A round coffee mark on her Sag Harbor dark cherry table caught my attention. She sure needs a cup plate.

Muli siyang pumormal nang matapos at pinatong ang isang kamay. The hand holding the pen lied on top of her other hand both in her lap.

Therapy is easy. Talking is easy. What's hard is receiving the message that I've done the wrong things that made me seek professional help. At first, this made me solidify the feelings of regret.

But I got past them as we move along the session. Therapy could make you further acknowledge your mistakes, pero wala naman dawng masamang desisiyon katulad lang din sa opinyon. Every decision is like a plan that would lead you to where you are right now.

This therapy indoctrinates me not to overlook the positive perspective of things. Kung hindi ko ginawa iyon, mararating ko kaya ito? Would I be able to set my foot in New York? Pin my eyes on every skyscrapers? Design logos in major companies that produces computers and phones? Films and albums?

We learn and move on. I did. I do. That's it. Not to stay stranded to the regret and guilt. Kung dati ay nanatili ako sa iisang patag na gumagalaw. Natutunan ko nang gumalaw sa patag na iyon. Nothing happens in standing still. Move and make a difference in your life.

"Do you think something triggered that dream? What did you do yesterday?" tanong ni Dr. Callaghan.

I wonder kung ganyan siya kahinahon kapag pinapagalitan ang mga anak niya. Or...this tone is probably made just for the therapy.

Binalikan ko ang mga nangyari sa buong Linggo bago ang panaginip. It's like watching the scenes unfold right on this flower origami na patuloy kong pinaglalaruan. Ngayon ko lang ito nakita, maybe it's her new table deco since real flowers wither fast.

We don't want the beautiful things to turn ugly. Who wants to uglify something beautiful? Sino ba naman ang may gustong matapos ang isang magandang bagay?

"I've been thrown in the throes of stress lately . Yesterday..."naningkit ang mga mata ko habang diinang inalala ang kahapon, "just an ordinary day. May tinapos akong logo design for a phone company. I went out and eat lunch in a nearby deli. I also looked for inspiration for the next design that I'm going to make for a regular client."

Biglang bumigat sa bag ko ang palagi kong dala na Moleskine notebook. Inside is a potpourri of ideas, sketches and doodles. It's a must for me.

Tumango si Dr. Callagahan habang sinusulat ulit ang sinabi ko. I really intended to find a Filipina therapist. In my mindset kasi, we understand each other since we're both pinays. Her husband is an Irish-American baseball coach. They put down roots in New York dahil nandito ang kanilang mga trabaho.

"Hmm...you've mentioned a while ago that this week would be your last dahil marami kang offers ng designing firms sa Pilipinas?"

Naawat ko ang ngiti na muntik nang umukit sa aking labi. Hindi ko inasahan na mapaguusapan  namin ito ngayon.

"Yes."

She looked at me warily with a drop of inquisitiveness. "How do you feel about that?"

Nagbaba ako ng tingin at inalisa ang naramdaman ko nang araw na binaha ako ng e-mails ng iba't ibang kompanya roon. The barrage of e-mails has actually been going on for three years plausibly after finding out that I did the design of a movie poster ng kakalabas lang noon na action movie. It's a blockbuster hit so...  

But I declined. I've been a freelancer before landing a job in an in-house designing firm. Dalawa kaming graphic designers sa pinapasukan ko and honestly, there seems to be a cut-throat competition between us.  So I decided na magbalik bilang freelancer once makabalik ako sa Pilipinas.

I can decide for the schedules kasi and the style especially without having to stick to the branding of the company which is done in in-house. Kahit ako man ang gagawa lahat, leastwise It gives me the leeway to put my own style. 'Davina touch', as how I call it. 

Ang totoong dahilan ng pagbabalik ko ay dahil sa surprise ticket na binili ni Lionel. Just a one way ticket back to the Philippines. Couldn't decline it dahil birthday gift niya raw sa akin iyon. Well, I could use my going back there to work. Kung hindi ko feel, then babalik ako rito.

"Thrilled?" Wala iyong kasiguraduhan. But when I weighed the emotions, iyon ang pumailanlang. "Hindi ko alam sa totoo lang. I don't know what to expect but a lot of work and deadlines." Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. She seems to know that I'm yet to be done talking. "I'll never really know until I get there."

Lumambot ang kanyang ekspresyon. Matagal nanatili ang ganyang titig sa akin. Parang tinatantiya ang sinabi ko at binibigyang kahulugan kung ano man.

O baka binibigyan na ako ng diagnosis. Am I Bipolar, Doc?

Anyway, I didn't find it intimidating. That maybe is appropriate to act as a therapist. You don't judge your clients or give advices. You only offer options. That's what I like about them.

Bumanat siya ng ngiti habang hinila ang sarili pasandal sa sofa. This room feels homey. Parang nasa sala lang kami at kaswal na nag-uusap. I was facing the window so I have a frontrow seat of snowfall.

Her face now calm and refreshing, kaya gusto ko siyang kausap. Wala siya ibang reaksyon kung 'di kakalmahan. It makes me calm too no matter how wintery New York is right now.

"I haven't gotten to asked you this because we've been focusing on your feelings and thoughts." Her silence gave way for me to nod. "I want to ask how are you on your work, Davina. Is it hard to be a graphic designer?"

Napangiti ako. Parang baliw lang. I'm just relieved for the change of topic. Less depressing.

My career is actually my outlet. Though it's stress after stress. You do it to vent your stress. Sa huli doon ka rin babalik dahil sa mga deadlines. It's an interminable cycle.

"Some days are razor blades," I said as I exhaled. "But I find comfort in thinking new designs, coming up with intriguing concepts, getting up to my neck in innovating. I love to use my creativity to veer me away from the negatives."

Lumawak ang ngiti ni Dr. Callgahan at tumango. I could see her pride for me.

"That's great, Davina," aniya saka umayos ng upo. Tumikhim siya at bumaba sa seryoso ang mukha. I guess we're done talking about the positive things.

Pinadulas niya ang sarili sa dulo ng sofa tila ba hinahana ang sari sa nais niyang sabihin. Saglit niyang sinulyapan ang pakikipaglaro ng mga daliri ko sa flower origami.

"Maybe your dream signifies for you to confront the past. Na kung sakali mang magbalik ang mga tao sa nakaraan, you confront in lieu of running away from them." She paused. I took that inkling to nod to let her know na nakasunod ako sa sinasabi niya. "I know running is easier, but would it still be easy if it keeps on hunting you rather than you outbrave for it to cease its purpose?"

Binalabal ko sa aking utak ang sinabi niya.  Nagawa ko na rin iyan noon and I do agree. It would keep on hunting kahit gaano pa kalayo ang natakbo mo. It would chase and outrun you. Overtake you. Mas mabuti nang sa isang bagsakan lang ang hirap at iyon ay ang kumpruntasyon.

Ang tanong, kakayanin ko ba? Handa ba ako?

Nagpaalam na ako pagkatapos but not before she gave me a paper kung saan nakasulat ang nirekomenda niyang therapist sa Pinas, on the chance of me needing one to talk to.

Binalot ko nang mabuti sa aking katawan ang black trench coat nang makalabas sa brick building. Tiningala ko ang patuloy na pagpatak ng niyebe at nagawa pa 'tong saluin sa palad ko upang aliwin ang sarili. Ngiti akong pumikit habang sinasalo rin sila ng mga mata ko. I fanned some snowflakes away through my lashes.

I blow some air and witness my cold breath disappeared into the thick air. Hindi ko na kailangan ng sigarilyo, pwede na akong magpausok ng ganito.

"Walking in a winter wonderland..." mahina kong kanta at bahagyang tumawa sa pamumuo ulit ng usok sa bibig ko.

Napatingin pa iyong isang dumaan na babae at kinunutan ako ng noo. Huminto pa talaga siya upang tingalain ang building na pinanggalingan ko. She shook her head upon knowing it's a therapist's office. Hinayaan ko siya sa kanyang konklusiyon.

Lumagpas ang pinara kong yellow cab. Dahan-dahan din naman itong umatras. Sa paglalakad ko upang salubungin ito, bumaon ng ilang pulgada ang aking boots sa lupa ng niyebe.

"Hello?" bungad ko sa kabilang linya pagkapasok sa cab.

Sinabi ko sa cabbie ang street na kinabibilangan ng apartment ni Margot saka ko binalikan ang phone.  It's Elmo from the client servicing sa designing firm na pinapasukan ko.

"Davina, a fine-ass man here is looking for you. Said he's here for an interview."

"Wait for a moment." Inipit ko ang phone sa pagitan ng tenga at balikat habang dinudukot sa bag ang aking Moleskine. I leaf through the pages at huminto sa kung saan ko sinusulat ang mga client schedule meet-ups and deadlines. No interview listed.

"Did you ask him what's it all about?" Sinara ko ang Moleskine at hinawakan ang phone.

May pag-uusap na nagaganap sa kabilang linya. I couldn't make up the man's voice dahil sa ingay ng daan.  The perks of the busy snow-clad streets of New York.

Umingay ang phone senyales na nakabalik na ito sa tenga ni Elmo. He sounded like he's  hyperventilating and I don't get his sudden moans and utters of sexy-sounding profanities.

"A fine-ass man from the American News Bureau. He said  you call the shots on when you are available for an interview. About Filipinos making it big in other countries."

Hindi ko mapigilang matawa. Not that it's funny but, I find it ridiculous.

"I'm not making it big like an A-lister Hollywood actress. I'm just doing a job," natatawa kong wika.

Tumawa na rin si Elmo sa kabila at ang kasama niyang magi-interview yata sa akin. Marahil naka-loudspeaker ang cellphone niya.

Binuksan ko ulit ang Moleskine sa schedule page ko.

"Have it this Monday at ten in the morning." I wrote 'Interview on Monday. 10 am.' "I won't be in New York therafter so I only have Monday to make the interview possible."

"Okay dear, I'll go tell him. But imma' tell you, this man is yum! Imma' gonna cut my arm for him to hook up with me."

Malanding tawa ang narinig ko bago natapos ang tawag. Tinapik ko ang cabbie at tinuro ang sidewalk na nais kong pagbabaan ng cab.

Through word by mouth, the recognition of my works extended from brochures up to movie posters. This is simply attaining the recognition that I have been yearning. Then once again, it's not enough. Kung ano ang naging issue ko rati; my anxieties, overthinking...wala na iyong kinalaman dito.

Upon realizing that it still wasn't enough that I have this success, I was able to deduce that I have to go through the things I'm anxious about in order to stop the turmoil.

And I did. The turmoil let up. Turns out I wasn't really looking for the satisfaction of being recognized. It pains to admit that I regret even being worried about not being the best, dahil kahit ikaw pa ang pinaka, palagi pa rin talagang may kulang. Lalo na kung ginagawa mo nga't lahat lahat, hindi ka naman masaya.

What's success if you only have your efforts yet you're not enjoying what you do? Is the feeling of fulfillment sprouts out from being successful alone?

The answers to my questions will remain unanswered had I not actualize my decisions. Pinagpasalamat ko ang nakaraan, kahit gaano pa kapait iyon upang mapagtanto ko ang mga tanong ko sa buhay. Sometimes, the bad can lead you to the right one.

Binalikan ko ang mga hiniling ko rati. Ang mga bumabagabag sa akin. Ang mga hindi ako pinapatulog. Years after, I came to wonder why I even asked for them from the first place if they're just going to be worthless to me right now. Katulad na lang ng mga laruan na hinihiling mo noong bata ka pa, ngunit hindi na kinakailangan ngayong matanda na.

There is more to those shallow hopes. Even more worthy than those I've wished for which I now considered as the dregs of my anxiety.

All of these were encased in my hindsight.

Huminto ako sa ikatlong pindot ng doorbell nang marinig ang paparating na mga yapak mula sa loob. Bumukas ang pinto at bumungad ang magulong beach waves ni Margot. May hawak siyang wooden paddle sa isang kamay. She's only wearing a gray vintage loose shirt and pink furry slippers na may mukha ng baboy.

Pinaningkitan ko ng mata ang shirt niya. Trying to remember. I'm sure I saw Nolan wore that shirt before!

"Smells like sex and pancakes!" malakas kong kanta nang makapasok.

"Damn right it is!" Baliwng humalakhak si Margot na naglakad pabalik sa kitchen.

Tinanggal ko ang aking trench coat at sinabit sa coat rack. Kinusot ko ang mga palad at hinintay akong balutin ng init ng kanilang heater dito sa apartment.

"Ang lamig sa labas! New York is definitely flirting with winter, " komento ko habang hinuhubad ang aking knee-high boots.

"Kaya nga dito na kami nagpapainit, Vin."

Napaangat ako sa humihikab pang si Nolan na kakalabas lang ng kuwarto. Hinahaplos nito ang tiyan. His boxer shorts is lazily clinging on his hips, blatantly exposing his toned torso.

Patalon-talon na lumabas si Margot sa kitchen at nang makalapit kay Nolan ay bigla nalang dinakma ang nobya saka hinila upang halikan sa labi.Tinanggap nito sa bibig ang sinubong slice ng pancake. 

Sumilip si Nolan mula sa balikat ni Margot at kinindatan ako.

"Goodmorning."

"Naka-tira ka na naman Nolan. Tigilan mo ako."

Margot was laughing hard from what I said. Natutuwa akong tignan sila. Finally Nolan has moved on. Ngunit hindi ko rin masasabing nakalimutan na niya si Tori. He still keeps her picture in his wallet. Naiintindihan naman iyon ni Margot.

Inayos ko ang pagkakalagay ng boots sa tabi ng coat rack saka tumungo sa kitchen na hinihila na ako sa amoy ng pancake. I sat in one of the high stool chairs. Malamig sa braso ang Crema Bordeaux granite counter nila.

"Shower lang ako!"  aniya at bumalik sa kuwarto. Siguro tapos nang gumawa ng breakfast base na rin sa dami ng laman ng mga plato ngayon.

Nagtimpla ako ng kape upang mahimasmasan ang lamig. They know I've been seeing a therapist at hindi ko ikinakahiya iyon. Dito ako dumidiretso every after my session just to hang out. Wala naman kasing tao sa apartment ko.

I only live alone. Kapag may okasyon ay binibisita ako ni papa. May taon na nanatili siya sa apartment ng isang buwan. He's in London right now at ibabalita ko pa lang sa kanya na babalik akong Pilipinas.

Don't know what would be his reaction. He's been asking me every time about me coming back. Kibit balikat lamang ako.

"That's caffeine, Davina. Bawal iyan sa 'yo," puna ni Nolan at tinabihan ako sa high stool.

"It's decaffeinated, so it's fine." Tinakpan ko na ang container ng brewed coffee pagkatapos maglagay sa coffee maker. "I'm happy for you," agap kong sabi at sumubo ng pancake.

"I'm worried for you," tahimik niyang wika. Tamad niyang nilagyan ng Spam ham ang perfectly round pancake upang gawin itong palaman.

Huminto sa ere ang kamay kong akmang kukunin ang maple syrup. Taka ko siyang nilingon.

"And why is that?"

Nagkibit balikat siya at pinausli ang ibabang labi. "Sa pangalawang pagkakataon kasi, third wheel ka na naman."

Napatingala ako sa pagtawa na muntik ko nang ikinahulog sa silya kung hindi lang niya hinarang ang kanyang braso. May salin pa rin ng tawa nang nakuha ko na ang maple syrup at sinabuyan ang pancake sa plato ko.

"Seriously, Vin. You're almost twenty seven. You have to date! Get laid. Socialize. Iyong brother ni Margot, si Lionel. He likes you, why don't you give him a try?"

Nahimigan ko ang bahagyang  desperasyon sa tono niya. He then shoved his pancake-Spam sandwhich in his mouth.

"Since when did you become a date master?"

Kunot-noo siyang ngumunguya. Bumaba ang paningin ko sa braso niyang katabi ko. Over the years, he's become a grown man. Evidence of his highlighted masculinity are his well-developed muscles.

"I'm serious, Davina." Malalim siyang nag-isip at pinadaan ang dila sa ngipin. He speared me a wary look. "Do you expect to meet him again? Kung magkita ulit kayo, sa tingin mo ikaw pa rin?  A lot can happen in six years, Vin. Baka nga may anak na iyon."

Alam ko kung sino ang tinutukoy niya. I've known Nolan since freshmen college pero sa mga anim na taon luminang ang pagkakaibigan namin. Maybe it has something to do with us being single and we focused on our friendship instead kaya nasabi ko sa kanya ang nangyari noon.

Maliban lang doon sa na-ospital ako.

Then two years ago, I introduced him to Margot. At alam ko nang magtatagal sila. The same day when Margot introduced me to her brother, Lionel.

Marahil napansin ni Nolan ang biglaan kong pananahimik dahilan ng paghinto niya sa pag-kain. He dropped the half-eaten pancake on his plate and rubbed his fingers to let go of the crumbs. Hinaplos niya ang panga pagkatapos bago kinuha ang white mug laman ang choco drink niya.

"Sorry. That hurts." He made a sip on his drink. "Matagal ka nga palang magmahal ng tao, matagal ka ring maka-move on. " Binaba niya ang mug at kinuha muli ang pagkain.

Inabot ko ang coffee maker at nagsalin ng kape sa aking mug. As if on instinct, Nolan extended his marvelous arm to get the cream jar and sugar at nilagay sa harap ko.

"Mas madaling umusad kung alam mong wala nang pag-asa," sabi ko habang naglalagay ng mga sangkap. "Tori's gone, so it's easier for you to move to another relationship. Not that moving on from her passing away was easy. Mas madali lang iyon kesa sa buhay pa ang taong inaasahan mo. May posibilidad pa, 'di ba?"

At hihintayin ko pang mangyari ang posibilidad na iyon. O baka maghihintay lang ako sa wala. Iyon ang mas masakit. I said those as an afterthought.

Suminghap siya't umikot sa silya upang maharap ako. His face ready to pounce for a  counter argument.

"You hurt him, Vin. Kung ako iyong sinabihan mo nun?" Madrama niyang nilapat ang kamay sa dibdib. "Heck! Papahirapan kita nang todo! Men like us! Most of us don't want to risk for the same person again who has done damage to our stone-carved hearts! Ayaw naming matinag, kami ang yumayanig sa inyo. We're egoists like that!"

"Jaxon is not egoistic," I prompted. Humiwa ang sakit pagkabanggit ko sa pangalan niya.

"But he's still a man. He nurtures his pride. Like petting a dog," mariin niyang katwiran.

Ngayong napangalanan na ang paksa ng usapan namin, unti-unti ring gumitaw sa isip ko ang kanyang mukha. His face, those soft brown eyes, are they still as soft as how I remember him? That boyish grin na kahit hindi ipakita ang ngipin ay nanlalambot na ang mga tuhod ko. Jaxon soften my hard edges. Like ironing the wrinkles of clothes.

The last night I saw him, he bared his soul. Setting aside his pride instead of nurturing it. That says something for a man.

For the past six years, naiisip ko pa rin siya at ang mga nangyari sa amin. The last memory that I try to pin on my mind was the scene before that painful night.

Our drunken nights, late night talks, my piggyback ride to him, sinusundo ako sa tuwing nakahiga ako sa daan, ang pagsusuot niya sa akin ng boots at paghuhubad nito pabalik sa tuwing umuuwi akong lasing o pagod. The way he put back my shirt on me after we make love...

The way his fingers play with my belly piercing na hanggang ngayon ay nararamdaman ko pa. There are times where I wake up at the middle of the night and find my own hand petting my piercing. I feel his kiss on my neck and shoulder, whispers of sweet nothings in my ear...with those soft pinkish lips....at sa huli ay nauuwi ako sa pag-iyak habang inaalala ang mga iyon. They just all come back with a vengeance when I'm trying to forget them.

Jaxon was one of the best persons I've ever had.

He is the best I've ever had.

I wonder if I'm still the best for him. Hindi na ako nagmahal ng iba, dahil okupado niya lahat ng buong ako mapa-hanggang ngayon. He makes me whole, but I just took advantage of it and minded my issues instead.

Maybe this is what they call, nahanap ko na ang sarili ko. I was lost on those days that clouded my rationality and decisions. Now I found myself, napagtanto ko kung ano ang mga binalewala ko noon. Jaxon's love for me. He was willing to help me and I didn't let him.

Instead, I murdered his heart and never get to stitch it back. Someone out there probably was able to put them back together. It could be Gwyneth or some other girl. Isipin ko pa lang ay tila patalim nang ibinaon sa puso ko.

That leads me here. I stood myself back off my own bat. Na hindi naka-depende sa kanya. Na hindi siya nahihila kasama ako.

I only regret the said words. But not the act of distancing myself. He needs the hurt. I need the pain. We need the deep-seated wound in order to heal fully and grow as a new person.

Ngunit hindi ko rin naman siya matutulak kung wala akong sinabi. Pushing him alone won't do an inch but would just make him step back and not let go. So I had to say those words. So In any sense, I have to regret both in its entirety.

"Kailan ka nga ulit babalik ng Pilipinas?"

Pinangalahatian ko ang kape at pinagmasdan siyang gumawa muli ng pancake sandwhich pagkatapos maubos ng una.

"Next week. Sa Manila naman ako dahil iyon ang nakasulat sa ticket. Marami ring possible clients doon. Kakabahan na ako kung sa Cebu," wika ko.

Saan kaya siya nagta-trabaho? Is he in a radio station playing requested songs of love and heartbreak? Or in a much high-end job? Of course the latter.

I only have my instagram para sa pag-promote ng mga designs ko and a website, too. No FB at kung ano pang social media account. I tried looking for his name pero wala. Siguro iba username niya. I have a lot of chances seeing his Facebook through Margot's account or Nolan's pero hindi ko ginawa. Siguro nga hindi pa ako handa. 

"Do you watch TFC news?"

Ipinagtaka ko ang tanong ni Nolan. Hindi nga ako nanonood ng tv, news pa kaya?

"No. Bakit? May nangyayari ba sa Pinas?"

Nakikibalita lang ako kay papa sa mga current affairs doon sa tuwing binibisita niya ako. Sa yaman niya, ginawa niyang Manila to Cebu ang New York to Philippines!

"Wala naman," tahimik na wika ni Nolan saka humihgop na rin sa kanyang inumin.

He offered nothing further. Ngunit sa nababasa ko, it's like he knows something that I don't. O may gusto siyang sabihin na alinlangan pa siyang isaboses. He seemed cautious in asking, too.

Bago ko pa siya mapigang magsalita ay lumangitngit ang pinto sa kuwarto at niluwa si Margot. Kinukusot niya ang buhok sa kanyang pink towel. She's wearing her pink silk robe.

"You're getting serious right there," aniya. Umupo siya sa tapat ko, kinuha ang aking coffee mug at binawasan ang kape.

"We're just making out here, Margot. No big deal," sabi ko.

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya at suminghap. Tumulo pa ang tubig galing sa kanyang kilay na agad niyang pinalis.

"And you didn't include me for a threesome? How dare you!"

Nagtawanan kami. Parang sumanib talaga si Tori sa kanya. Minsan naisip ko kung ginusto rin ba siya  ni Nolan dahil sa pagkakahawig na iyon.

Bumaba muli si Margot nang mag-ring ang telepono. Yeah. She still keeps an old phone here. Ngunit bago pa niya sagutin ay binuhay niya ang radyo at nilakasan ang volume. An upbeat song boomed in the whole apartment.

"She really reminds me of Tori...," ani ko sabay tingin kay Margot na umiindayog habang kinakausap na ang nasa kabilang linya. Napangiti ako. She's so ebullient. Full of life. Just like her.

"That's why you two click."

Hindi nakaalpas sa akin ang pag-iiba ng tono ni Nolan. He noticed it, too. At pakiramdam ko guilt iyang umuusig sa kanya.

"Is that why she's your girlfriend? You're not using her, right?" That was almost an accusation.

He shoved the last piece of his food and rubbed his fingers again. Humina iyon, pati pagnguya niya. He seems contemplative.

"Why should I use her?" mahina niyang usal.

"Because she reminds you of Tori."

Mabagal siyang suminghap sabay abot ng mug at tuwid ng upo.

"Noong una, oo. But not anymore, Vin. She's Margot, not Tori." Uminom siya sa kanyang mug, and I think that is to keep himself from telling me more. Alam ko. Dahil iyan din ang gawain ko.

Maybe that's the initial reaction. Maghahanap tayo ng taong hawig ng minamahal natin, o hinahanapan natin sila ng pagkakatulad. That's not moving on, anymore. You're still being stuck kung ganon lang naman ang gagawin mo because you couldn't move on from that person.

I have never done that. Nag-iisa lang naman si Jaxon. Wala siyang katulad. There may be some faces that were a semblance of him, but Jaxon is my Jaxon. He's my only one.

"Hey guys!" Tawag ni Margot mula sa living room. Nakakanlong sa balikat ang telepono. "Lionel is asking kung anong gagawin this upcoming weekend? On your birthday, Vin!"

"Dinner and booze as usual," sagot ko habang pinapaliguan ng syrup ang pangalawa kong pancake. Ngumangatngat na ng toothpick si Nolan sa tabi.

"Tone down, sweetie!"

Nag-angat ako ng mukha at nakita ang pagsilid muli ni Margot ng isang stick ng sigarilyo sa kanyang cigarette case. Binalikan niya ang kausap sa telepono.

"Sweetie." Napangiwi ako. "Kay Tori ay babe. At kung magkahiwalay kayo ni Marge at makahanap ka ng iba? Ano naman ang itatawag mo sa susunod?"

"Honeybunch."   

Humalakhak ako at nahampas siya sa braso. Nolan never changes. For these past few years ay iisang babae lang talaga ang minahal niya and then he met Margot. He's currently a freelance designer din dito sa NYC. His latest project, designing an album jacket ng isang sikat na indie band. 

"But what if kung may asawa na talaga siya, Vin? May pamilya na?"

Bumalik na naman kami tungkol sa kanya. I mean, I love to talk about him pero kung ganito lang naman pala ang laman ng usapan, I'm dreading for the talk to end.

Kung meron man siyang iba na, maybe this would be the consequence of putting on that convincing charade to keep him away from me.  I fear the possibility of him having a family. It's like the end of doom for me.

"Just tell me the truth, Nolan. Alam kong may alam ka." May banta na sa tono ko.

Bakit ko pa ba tinatanong kung alam kong masasaktan ako sa malalaman? That's the problem with most of us. What you don't know won't hurt you. But curiosity would render us sleepless. Kaya inaalam talaga natin.

Hindi ako sinagot ni Nolan. I looked at him and saw him just playing with the toothpick in between his mouth while staring into the blank Alabaster wall. Wala talaga siyang balak magsalita. He knows something!

"Nolan, anong alam mo?" Seryoso na ang boses ko.

"Masasaktan ka lang," wala sa sarili niyang sabi.

Napahampas ako sa counter na ikinagitla niya. Namilog ang mga mata niya akong nilingon.

"Nag-warning ka pang masasaktan ako!" bulalas ko. "E, kung sabihin mo na lang kaya kung anong alam mo?"

Bigla siyang humalakhak at ginulo ang buhok kong naglalaro na sa silver at black ombre.

"I'm just trolling on you, Davina. Don't cry pretty vixen," patuloy niyang halakhak. Pinikit ko ang naluluha kong mga mata. "I don't know anything, really. I'm just testing you and as I could see, malaki pa rin ang impact niya sa 'yo. It's going to be complicated in the short run." Sumeryoso ang mukha niya.

I'll expect his hate on me. Grudge, perhaps. Pero ngayong may maipagmamalaki na naman ako, pwede na naman siguro kami, 'di ba?

If anything then, I'm going to win him back. Ako naman ang gigiba sa pumapagitnang pader namin ngayon.