I found my blood-stained dress from last night inside the trash bin this morning.

Hindi na ako magtataka kung sino ang nagtapon at kung paano ito nahanap. Mothers always have ways of finding things, pero ang sa akin naman kasi ay nilagay ko lang sa hamper iyon kagabi. Sa rami ng labahan ko ay iyon lang ang natatanging kinuha niya.

Mugto pa ang aking mga mata nang pumasok sa school. Ang malaking band-aid sa pulsuhan ko ay tinatakpan ng aking relo. Nanunuot pa rin ang hapdi niyon ngunit hindi ko na ininda.

I could still recall the tension in the breakfast table. I was in no speaking terms with my mother and I'm not sure if that should be a good thing since it would only mean that I wouldn't get to hear anything harsh from her. Pero mas matimbang ang pagiging masama nito dahil mas ngumangawa lang ang puwang sa aming dalawa.

While my father, he asked me about the schedule for my last class. Ipinagtaka ko ito dahil hindi naman siya nagtatanong tungkol sa mga klase ko.

"Turn to page three hundred sixty eight..."

Bumabagksak ang mga talukap ko. Pinipilit kong hindi tuluyang mapapikit habang pinagmamasdan ang Clinical Instructor sa harapan.

She is writing something on the whiteboard. Nilalabanan ang antok, binasa ko iyon saka pa lang natanto na pahina lang ito ng kabanata na pinababasa sa amin. I peered at my book only to flinch at the huge head title that she's about to discuss for today's lecture.

"What is Anorexia Nervosa, anyone?"

I can't fully concentrate without the feeling of a tight grip around my neck. Bigla ang tama sa akin ng guilt kahit hindi naman kailangan dahil walang nakakaalam. If meron man, ang mga kaibigan ko, pinili nilang hindi ipahalata ito. They know how this will affect me terribly.

I survive the first-half of classes in the morning. Naging normal lang din ang takbo ng buong araw bago kami natapos sa huling klase. Pagka-dismissal, nag-aya ang mga kaibigan kong mag-mall pero tumanggi ako. Wala rin naman akong mabibili roon dahil hindi ako nagdala ng perang sapat na may mabiling mahalaga.

Another thing is, there's a huge possibility I might feel left out again. Iyong kahit gaano pa kayo karami sa iisang grupo, pakiramdam mo ay nag-iisa ka pa rin. Na parang hindi ka kabilang sa kanila. I always think I am meant to live like this. Alone, unremarkable and a nobody.

Kung hindi ako ang sarili ko, at ang kasama ko ay ang isang taong katulad ng ugali ko ngayon, I'd be bored to death to be honest. It only means that I'm bored of myself. Kaya bago pa man nila matantong hindi talaga ako masayang kasama, dinidistansiya ko na ang sarili ko.

Hindi ko naman ipipilit ang sarili kong makibagay sa mga taong ayaw akong makahalubilo.

And most invitations for a hang out, I refuse since it felt like I was only asked as a second choice. When the person they want to accompany them isn't available, that will only be the time I am remembered.

Hindi ko rin sila masisi. My friends the most, or even my parents, they are not to blame for the way I am. I always point the blame on me. It's not their fault why they don't want me around for long. It's not their fault why I am like this. Kung maaari lang, lalayuan ko rin ang sarili ko.

They will only ignore me for being the person they never prefer. Wala naman kasi akong masabi, but if I ever speak what's on my mind, baka mababalewala lang. Iyong mananahimik sila pagkatapos mong magsalita kung saan mga kuliglig ang mananaig.

Why can't I just be extroverted and funny? Nobody wants to be me, so why can't I just be somebody else instead of who I am right now?

Pinagmamasdan ko ang mga kaibigan na sumasakay ng jeep sa katapat na mall ng university. Maglalakad na sana ulit ako papuntang sakayan pa-Norte nang may tumawag sa akin.

"Pa?" nagtataka kong sambit.

Seryoso ang mukha niya at halos hindi makatingin sa akin.

"Halika na."

Hindi niya ako hinintay na makapagtanong muli at nagpatiuna na siya papunta sa kotse. Nagtataka, sumunod ako.

Ang katahimikan mula sa agahan kaninang umaga ay nagpatuloy sa buong biyahe. Hindi ko magawang kausapin sila ni Mama. Guilt, shame, awkwardness or the mixture of those three is the reason why. Hindi ko alam kung ganoon din ba ang nararamdaman ni Papa ngayon tungkol sa akin. Though, he still talks to me casually unlike my mother's cold treatment. Wala nga siya rito kasama ni Papa, so it led me to assume how she isn't that concern about me.

I tried to glance at my father and found him too focused on the road ahead. Magpaparinigan na lang siguro kami ng buntong hininga ngayon. Just in case they'd ask for an explanation for my behavior last night, in which they didn't but I know deep inside they want it from me, hindi ko ito maibibigay. I just easily get exhausted of explaining myself. Wala rin naman kasi akong dapat ipaliwanag at kung meron man, may makakaintindi ba?

Sa huli, ako pa rin naman ang ituturong mali. It made me realize that silence, or the mere omission of words creates the probabality of avoiding the pain. If I speak, mean words fire back. If I keep silent, nobody would say anything. So I'd rather just keep my mouth shut.

I sighed. Do I have to be sorry for being me? Hindi ko maawat ang mga nilalaman ng isip ko. Maybe God meant to put these thoughts in my head. When he created me, he added the spicy recipe of sensitivity. Hindi sa sinisisi ko Siya. Ipagpapalagay ko nalang na may rason kung bakit ganito ang normal na takbo ng isip ko.

Pagkaraan ng ilang minuto ay pumasok ang sasakyan sa entrance ng isa sa mga kilalang ospital sa siyudad. Lalo ko itong ipinagtaka pero piniling ilihim ang tanong.

Binakas namin ang hallway na pinagigiliran ng ibang mga clinics hanggang sa huminto siya sa harap ng puting pinto at binuksan. My father took a slight step backward para paunahin ako sa loob.

Cold air bit my skin as soon as I stepped inside the room. Agad kong napansin ang dalawang sofa na magkaharap sa isang sulok sa kanan. Pinagigitnaan iyon ng babasaging mesa. May isa pang pinto sa gilid na kinakatok na ni Papa ngayon bago binuksan.

Humikab ako habang tamad na binuhay ang cellphone. Rinig ko mula rito ang pakikipag-usap ni Papa ng kung sino mang nasa loob. He went out already holding a piece of paper with him. I took it and saw that it was a form for me to fill-up. Iyon naman ang ginawa ko sa nagdaang minuto at nang matapos ay hindi na naawat ang pag-ukit ng tanong sa mukha ko.

Sa halip na punan ang tahimik kong tanong, tumuro siya sa loob saka umupo sa isa sa mga sofa. Nag-alinlangan pa ako noong una ngunit sa huli ay pumasok na rin.

Nag-angat ng tingin ang babaeng nakaupo sa likod ng mahogany table pagkabukas ko palang ng pinto. Inayos niya ang kanyang glasses kasabay ng ngiti at kinumpas ang kamay sa silya sa tapat ng kanyang mesa. Lumapit ako at binigay ang form.

"Good afternoon," she greeted.

Nahihiya akong ngumiti bago tinugunan ang pagbati. Nahagip ko sa likod niya ang nakapaskil na schedule. Ako ang panghuli niyang kliyente sa araw na ito.

"Scarlet Maeve Ruiz," basa niya sa pangalan ko mula sa form.

"Opo."

Tumatango-tango siya, nakatitig pa rin sa aking form. "So, what's your concern in seeking therapy, Scarlet?"

The anxious fidgetting of my foot stopped. What seek therapy? I didn't seek for this. Wala nga akong ideya na therapy pala itong pinuntahan ko.

Bumaba ang paningin ko sa plaka sa mesa niya. Reading the carved name and title, I finally get to realize why I'm here.

Martha M. Costello, M.D, Psychiatry

So tinupad ni Mama ang nais na patignan ako sa isang Psychiatrist. But then, if she's really concern about me, why didn't she come with us? Bakit si Papa lang ang sumama sa akin? Is this how she loathed me that she'd rather lay the anger above concern and the care that is supposed to overwhelm for me, she just let fall underneath. Kailangan ko ba maging si Ate Allison para lang mahalin niya ako?

"Scarlet?"

Matiyagang nakatitig sa akin si Dr. Costello.

"Uhm..." Ano bang sasabihin ko? It was my mother who wanted this.

"May I know kung anong meron sa band-aid?" untag niya sabay marahang turo sa aking palapulsuhan.

Natanto ko na panay na pala ang paglalaro ko sa dulo ng band aid na sumisilip sa tumatakip din nitong relo ko.

Nahihirapang makabuo ng salita, may pag-aalangan din sa aking tanggalin ang relo. Nang makalas na ito ay isinunod ko ang band-aid. Sariwa pa ang tatlong hiwa sa palapulsuhan ko.

I glanced at Dr. Costello expecting to see the same reaction I got from my mother last night. But instead of the judgement, she's taking down notes. Ang buo at nanunuot na bigat sa aking dibdib ay ramdam ko ang unti-unting pagkakatunaw. This must be what that utmost relief feel like.

Sumunod pa ang iilan na katanungan niya sa akin. Minsan, tinitignan niya ako diretso sa mata habang nakikinig sa mga sinasabi ko. Walang panunumbat sa ginagawad niyang tingin. Bakit kaya hindi ganito sina Mama?

Maikli ang ilang mga tugon ko sa mga tanong niya. Hindi ko kasi maipaliwanag nang maayos. Saka pakiramdam ko kapag sasabihin ko ang mga pinagdaanan ko, mabababawan lang siya sa dahilan kung bakit ko nagagawa ang mga bagay na hindi dapat gawin.

She ended the session by asking if we are a good match. Sure we are, but I'm not sure if I still want to come back. Maybe if I get worse, that would probably be the time to seek for her again.

I still have this tendency to hurt myself. So I just told her politely that I would call or ask my mother to ring her if I need a second session.

Mabilis tumayo si Papa pag labas ko. Siya naman ang pumasok at pinalitan ko ang kanyang puwesto sa sofa. I immediately put on my earpods at nag-scroll ng mga kanta sa Ipod.

I was about to press play on another song when I got struck by a flash. Napakurap ako dahilan para mag-angat ng ulo at diretso agad ang dapo ng tingin ko sa harapan.

Sa katapat ng inuupuan kong sofa, una kong napansin ang nakadekwatrong binti ng isang lalake. The pair of dark semi-skinny jeans run long down to his black casual oxford boots. His green and black flannel long sleeves were folded up to his elbows. Naka-open button ang sa harap kaya sumilip ang panloob niyang itim na shirt. Umakyat ang paninitig ko sa magulong buhok dahil ang mukha niya ay natatakpan ng puting camera.

He slowly held the gadget down. Sumilay na agad ang ngiti ng lalakeng nagtatalo sa pagka-moreno at kaputian ang balat. May anggulo ang bagong ahit niyang panga. In all of my might, I battled against my own will to hold onto my jaw tight, keeping it from dropping on the floor.

"Sorry," aniya sa mapagpaumanhing ngiti.

Pansin ko ang pagkakapantay ng ngipin niya at nakakalunod na biloy sa kanan ng mapupulang labi.

Hindi na ako nakapag-iwas ng tingin, pero hindi ko matatantong nakatitig na pala ako kung hindi lang dahil sa pagtitig niya sa akin pabalik. Tinagong mabuti ang nagwawalang preso sa dibdib, nagyuko ako at binalikan ang kantang pinapakinggan.

Another flash from the camera distracted me.

Iritado na ako nang muli siyang tinignan. Nagsasalubong ang kilay niya habang sinusuri ang camera na parang hindi kuntento sa kanyang kuha. Nadagdagan lamang ang iritasyon ko. He seems to be capturing me without my permission! Sa lahat talaga ng ayaw ko ay ang kunan ako ng stolen shot. The mere thought of my ugly face on someone else's camera causes me serious anxiety!

Ngayon pa nga lang ay kinakabahan na ako. What if he shows it to other people and they would make fun of it? Laugh at it and I become the new butt of a joke?

"Burahin mo 'yan," malamig kong sabi, sinusubukan maging buo ang boses pero may kaunting nginig pa rin.

He lifted a gaze with his lips already parted. "Sorry?"

"Delete it. My picture."

He paused for a moment and blinked. "Oh, I..."

Nagbaba siya ng tingin sa kanyang camera. He bit his lower lip. By the looks of it, he seem embarrassed.

"I was actually taking a shot at this centerpiece..."

Para akong dinapuan ng lagnat sa buong pag-iinit ng mukha ko. Inaamin kong napahiya ako roon kaya hindi na nag-atubiling ipamukha sa kanya kung ayaw kong mas mailibing sa sariling kahihiyan. I looked down on my Ipod, and it took all of me to figure out the song that is currently playing. Mas nabibingi ako sa sariling hiya. Can I please go home now and forget about this day?

"But if you want, I can take a photo of you—"

"No, I don't want," I mumbled without looking at him.

"I see..."

I flashed a brief glance at him. He tilted his head and his left brow arched along with it as if he's studying me.

"Kahit isang picture lang hindi pa rin?" maingat niyang tanong.

Without averting my gaze, I looked at him almost horrified but more on confused.

He smiled despite my faithful vow to silence. "Just one shot, please?"

"Bakit ba?"

I don't want to sound rude but I couldn't help the escape of my harsh tone. Bigla ko naman pinagsisihan iyon lalo na at ngumiti lamang siya na tila wala iyon para sa kanya. If I were at the receiving end of that tone, I would surely stay quiet the whole time and isolate myself.

"Why not? You're pretty. No one should overlook such masterpiece." I could hear a smile stretching behind such sweet words.

Binagsak ko ang kamay sa mga binti at pinakita ang matalim kong tingin. I'm not even half as good as a masterpiece. Mambobola!

Sa isip ko ay binubusalan ko na ang sariling bibig para manahimik, ayaw patulan ang sinabi niya. If I stop talking to him, he might as well take the hint and do the same.

But thinking about what he said, it feels odd hearing it. Gustong-gusto kong marinig ang ganoong papuri sa akin, pero kasi ay hindi kami magkakilala kaya nasasabi ko na pambobola lamang ito o 'di kaya ay sinasabi niya iyon dahil may kailangan siya sa akin. Been there many times, so I should only know better than let myself fall for that trap!

Umingit ang inupuan niyang sofa. Kahit hindi ko siya tignan ay may bahagi pa rin sa paningin kong nahahagip ang mga kilos niya.

"You don't believe it..."

I lifted a reluctant gaze. I squeezed my brows together to create the look of irritation.

"Hindi ka naniwala sa sinabi ko na maganda ka."

Muli ang agarang pagbaba ko ng tingin. My iPod left unattended in my open palm as I was swayed by my own current of quick pulses and fast heartbeats. This has extremely gone awkward for me. Sa kabang nararamdaman ko, para bang katawan ko na mismo ang tumanggi sa buhos ng papuri. Like the insides of my body are about to jump out of my skin just to prove how they disagree with his compliments about me. I just can't get myself to believe them. Nakatatak na sa isip kong pampalubang loob lang nila sa akin ang pagpuri dahil sa awa. And people just say it for they don't want to offend me, not because they mean it.

Isa pa, hindi ko rin alam ang sasabihin. Magpapasalamat? If I thank him and smile, it's like I believe him which brought me to assume that he might just be fooling me. Baka sa likod ng isip niya ay pinagtatawana na niya ako dahil ang bilis kong magpaloko.

But then, I also don't want to come off as rude. Though I'd rather be rude to someone who'd only be fooling me at the end of this. I'd rather get away from that chance to be victimize by their games.

Mukha pa naman din siyang playboy. I don't wanna judge but my first impression? Marami na 'tong napaiyak.

Pinagmasdan ko ang pagtabi niya sa camera at umusog pa sa dulo ng sofa. He leaned forward and rested his arms on his parted thighs. All of these were done without taking his curious and analytical gaze at me.

"Ironic how we strive to build our walls just to protect ourselves from the pain other people might inflict on us, pero tayo rin naman ang nananakit sa sarili natin."

Natigilan ako. Lalo na nang bahagya niyang sinulyapan ang palapulsuhan kong may band-aid. His gaze returned just as quickly back to my face holding the same expression.

Para akong nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig at nang unti-unting binubuo ang pagtitig sa kanya, tila siya ang tinuturo kong salarin. Ramdam ko ang pag-anod sa akin ng tahimik kong paghingal. How could he say that like he knows me? At bakit ako naiinis? Dahil totoo, Scarlet?

Seeing the mild shock in my face, he smiled. It was soft and harmless, not a single hint of the expected arrogance.

"You shut people out..." he went on. "You look scared, always on guard. Then I wonder how many chances did you risk? How many opportunities were there that you miss just because of fear? I mean I understand that we have our horrors of the unknown. But is it too much to ask for just once in our lives, we take that risk which might lead us to a monumental change. That that single risk you take might just be all worth it?"

Napaawang ako. He's talking too much and seems to know a lot for someone who looks so serene.

"Are you trying to read me? It's not funny," I snapped.

"Yes, it's not funny. But I'm just saying." He shrugged. "Kasi kunwari ako, interesado sa 'yo. Paano mo mapapatunayan na hindi kita sasaktan kung hindi mo ako susubukan na kilalanin o tanggapin? Because it's already a risk to trust a person, let alone a stranger, to know you more."

What. Is. He. Talking. About?

Hindi ko na alam anong klaseng gulat o iritasyon ang ipapakita ko sa kanya. He doesn't seem to get it or if he did, he stayed unfazed. It absolutely creeps me out in a way that he seems to know a lot of me. But as a consolation, his approach was in no way near harrasing. He is just too friendly to a fault and I'm not sure what to make of it.

Bakit kasi ang tagal ni Papa sa loob para makaalis na kami. Simple conversations like these especially from someone unknown to me can already be exhausting.

"I don't know you. Kaya bakit ako makikinig at maniniwala sa mga sinasabi mo?" I said with the intent rudeness just to turn him off. "Hindi kita kilala."

"Exactly my point! Kaya magpapakilala ako," he said along with his boyish grin.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang maglahad siya ng kamay. But he's seated on the sofa across from me, out of my reach. Kaya nakalahad lang ang kamay nito sa ere.

Kinunutan ko siya noo. Realizing his mistake, he peered down on his hand. His brows shot up at kung may kahihiyan mang tumama sa kanya, magaling niyang naitago iyon.

"Oops..." Binaba niya ang kamay. He smiled and looked at me. "Tatabihan na lang kita."

I literally froze in my seat. Tanging nagawa ko ay ang pagmasdan siyang lumalapit. The large space beside me dipped down as he occupied it. In an instant, his manly scent—a mix of freshwater and mint ocean breeze—assaulted my nose. An extremely familiar scent which causes me to whip my head towards him.

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa nakalahad niyang kamay. I stared at it.

"Evan."

As if saying his name had a pull on me, it lifted my eyes on him.

Napakurap ako sa katotohanang nakikita ko na siya nang malapitan. Aware of our distance and the odd situation, I have no time to contemplate on each detail of his face. Palihim ko na lang siyang pinupuri sa isip katulad ng kung paano kalamlam ng kanyang mga mata. He's exactly the perfect brand of a pretty boy. At the same time, he reminds me of a fallen angel, a casted one who just left a massive destruction of weeping souls back in heaven.

I've been staring at him for quite a while now, and that's probably why he suppressed a smirk. Sa ginawang pagpipigil ng ngiti, it defined more of his subtly prominent cheekbone. Iniiling iling niya ang ulo habang kinakawag ang mga daliri sa nakalahad na kamay habang patuloy ang pagpipigil ng ngisi.

Ngumuso ako. I can almost feel the pull of a smile on my lips. Sa puntong ito, natanto ko na nakakahawa rin pala ang ngiti.

Pero kahit na nagpipigil pa rin ako, tinanggap ko ang kamay niya. Humawak lang ako sa dulong parte saka mabilis bumitaw. I formed a fist on the same hand that held his then I scooted a bit far from him. I can tell it amused him. His low chuckle made me roll my eyes.

Gusto ko talagang ipagpatuloy na tarayan siya pero hindi naman yata tama iyon dahil wala siyang ginagawang masama. It's not enough excuse that he annoyed me. This is just the way I am, easily pissed and sensitive and it's not his fault nor anyone's.

"Thank God you're here. Ang totoo niyan kanina pa talaga ako rito. Wala akong makausap. It bored the hell out of me." He stretched and closed his eyes.

Maginhawa niyang sinandal ang kanyang ulo sa backrest ng sofa. As he swallowed, I couldn't help but catch the waving protrusion in his throat. May kakaiba akong naramdaman kaya nagbalik ako sa mukha niya. I studied his side profile. He seems tired nga. But is it possible to look tired and fresh at the same time? Because he embodies it.

"I mean not you, the boring part." He chuckled, eyes still closed.

"Bakit?" malamig kong tanong.

I instantly regretted asking since I really have no intention to interact with him, but I got curious! Tsaka naawa rin ako kasi mukhang pagod nga siya at kanina pa walang makausap.

"I'm waiting for Mom."

Matagal ko iyong prinoseso. Mom... isa lang naman ang ginang sa loob at iyon ay ang doktor.

"Mama mo si Doc?" Shock clung tight to my tone.

He smiled. Hindi niya sinagot ang tanong ko.

"At sorry ulit," aniya sa mas tahimik na tono.

Now I am growing more curious. "Para saan?"

Natawa muli siya bago unti-unting nagmulat at nilingon ako. His lopsided smile made him look shy.

"Ako kasi yung nakabangga sa 'yo kahapon."

Unblinking, I stared at him as I recalled yesterday. Ang may bumangga lang naman sa akin ay iyong pagkagaling ko sa pharmacy. So that was him...

"Oh, uhm..." I bit my lip. Aware about how I reacted yesterday, I thought I also needed to apologize. "Masakit lang ang ulo ko kaya medyo nasigawan kita kahapon. It's not necessary that I did, so I'm sorry," sa mahinang boses ko na namaos pa sa huli. I cleared my throat.

It was a long silence in between us after that. Inabala ko ang sarili sa paghahanap ng kanta sa Ipod habang nararamdaman ko naman na pinapanood niya ako. I didn't make it seem like I noticed, pero nakatingin talaga siya. I refused to confront him since it would only lead to another round of conversations which I'm trying to avoid.

I pressed a play button of the chosen song. Hindi na ako namansin nang magsimula ang kanta. Pinikit ko ang aking mga mata habang sinasabayan ko sa aking isip ang kanta.

"Give me therapy, I'm a walking travesty, but I'm smiling at everything..."

Dumilat ako at halos mabali ang leeg nang binalingan siya. He has already returned to his position a while ago—head leaning on the sofa's back rest, eyes closed— Dumapo ang tingin ko sa mga labi niya at nahuling sumasabay ito sa pinapakinggan ko. I removed the earphone on my other ear to confirm and indeed, he is singing along in perfect timing to what I am listening to!

His lips carved a knowing smile after humming the rest of the tune.

"You know them?" mangha kong tanong, biglang nagbago ang pananaw sa kanya.

"Been to their concert," proud niyang sabi. He started tapping on his thighs in tune with the drumbeats.

Napanganga ako at napangiti. Ang malaman ito mula sa kakakilala pa lamang na estranghero, gumaan bigla ang loob ko. This feels like an instant connection, and the only moment I'd give my trust to them is when I find that they also get to love and embrace my favorites. And because of this, it's like I am seeing this person in a new light!

Kaya naman nang tuluyan na siyang dumilat at kinuha ang camera sa tabi niya, hindi na ako naghimagsik o natakot man lang.

"Can I?" He asked, his eyes already behind the lens, ready to capture.

Dahil sa bumabalot na mangha at biglang pagaan ng loob, nilisan na ako ng kakayahang umalma. I didn't even think of covering my face when I smiled, not because of posing for the picture. Nakakulong pa rin ako sa simpleng katotohanan na gusto niya ang pinapakinggan ko. Not many people could relate to me when it comes to my preferences and taste but when I meet one, I instantly go soft on them.

And as if taking it as a cue, he took several shots of me, in all angles and not wasting any time.  Walang sinayang na oras lalo't hindi na napawi ang ngiti sa labi ko.