Chapter 21 | Choose

"Kung may gusto kang sabihin, sabihin mo na. Hindi 'yong tinititigan mo pa ako," parinig ni Xamuel habang abala siya sa huling problem ng kanilang calculus reviewer.

Frost grunted beside him. "Wala akong masagot sa lahat!"

Tumigil si Xamuel sa pag-iisip para lingunin ang kaibigan. Kanina pa sila nasa room kasama ang iilang mga kaklase. Free time nila ang buong araw para makapag-group study sa nalalapit na final examinations kaya nakagrupo ang lahat sa kanya-kanyang mga lamesa.

"Akala ko pa naman marami ka ng nasagutan dahil ang tahimik mo," Xamuel chuckled.

"Tanga, umiiyak lang ako rito," pagdadrama ni Frost. "Na saan ba kasi sina Li at Timog? Gusto kong magpaturo. Alam ko naman kasing hindi mo 'ko tuturuan!"

Natatawang napailing si Muel. "Buti alam mo. Ang sabi nila, sa library sila mag-aaral."

Frost frowned. "Huh? Bakit 'di ko alam? Saka bakit 'di tayo kasama?"

Xamuel gave him a deadpan look. "Akala ko alam mo pero ayaw mo lang sumama kaya ka nandito."

"Tang ina naman, dalawang oras na kitang pinagtyatyagaang kasama," maktol ni Frost. "Sa library na nga muna ako!"

Tumayo rin si Xamuel nang tumayo si Frost at nagligpit ng gamit sa bag. "Kapal ng mukha mo. Hindi ko kasalanang wala kang masagot."

"Oh, bakit ka rin nagliligpit ng gamit?" Frost asked. "Sasama ka?"

"Malamang! Mag-isa na lang ako rito kapag umalis ka saka may gusto rin akong ipa-check kay Lion."

Sinuot nila ang kanya-kanyang mga bag at nag-irapan pa muna bago tumulak papuntang library. Niyaya naman talaga sila ni Lion mag-library kaso wala si Frost noong oras na 'yon. In-assume na lang ni Xamuel na baka nasabi na sa group chat nila, pero parang hindi dahil walang kaalam-alam si Frost.

Ayaw talaga ni Xamuel mag-aral sa library dahil paniguradong mas marami pang estudyante roon kaysa sa room nila. Sabay ang exams ng senior high school sa college students ng paaralan kaya madalas puro kolehiyo ang sumasakop ng library tuwing exam week.

Hindi naubusan ng mga taong binati ang kasama niya habang tahimik lang siyang nakabuntot sa likod ni Frost. So much for being a prom king. Pigil na pigil si Xamuel asarin si Frost kahit gustong gusto niya dahil alam niyang wala pa sa mood ngayon ang kaibigan para makipagbiruan. Sa tagal nilang magkakaibigan, kabisado na ni Xamuel ang ugali ni Frost.

Laging nagagalit si Frost kapag nagre-review tapos wala siyang ma-gets kaya kailangan niya si Lion. Hindi matatapos ang pagka-bad trip ni Frost hangga't hindi siya nakukuntento sa aral. Iyon din ang dahilan kung bakit ayaw siyang turuan ni Xamuel—pareho silang galit.

"Shit, daming seniors," Frost whispered as they entered the library.

As Muel entered the library, the warm, inviting aroma of freshly brewed coffee enveloped him. Ngayon niya lang naalalang may libreng kape ang library tuwing exam season. Tahimik silang lumapit sa ID scanner ng library para i-tap ang mga ID. Saglit tiningnan ni Xamuel ang librarian na mukhang galit bago sila tahimik na naghanap sa loob.

"Where are they?" Frost whispered as they searched every corner of the room.

"Baka nasa dulo?" Muel quickened his pace towards the end of the library, his mind racing with guesses.

Xamuel's hunch was confirmed when he spotted the familiar heads of his friends through the window of the reading room at the far end of the library.

"Nasa reading room nga sila, mukhang nagpa-reserve," Muel whispered.

Sabay silang pumasok ni Frost sa loob—wala ng katok-katok. Halos lumabas mga mata ni Xamuel sa gulat nang nakita si Yara na nakahiga ang ulo sa lamesa at sa kaliwang braso pa ni South habang abala si South magpaliwanag ng kung anoman.

"Ginagawa niyo?" Muel asked, staring at them.

Sabay-sabay ang tatlong napalingon sa kanilang pagdating. Narinig ni Muel ang pagsara ni Frost ng pinto sa likod niya pero nanatili siyang nakatayo roon sa harap ng lamesa. Hindi man lang gumalaw si Yara nang nakita siya!

"Nag-aaral?" Lion retorted. "Ba't kayo nandito?"

"Shit, may puto kayo rito! Tang ina, nagutom ako kakaisip pa'no sagutan yung reviewer sa calculus." Frost approached the table, eager to take a bite of their favorite puto. "Ang sarap talaga ng luto ni Tita Cecilia!"

"Again, bakit kayo nandito?" Lion asked as Frost devoured their food.

Saka lang gumalaw si Xamuel para kumuha ng kanilang upuan sa gilid ng silid. "Magpapaturo 'yang si Frost sa 'yo. May itatanong naman ako sa 'yo."

Tamad na bumagsak ang ulo ni Lion sa sandalan ng upuan. "Ako na naman tinarget niyo. Ayan si South, oh."

"Oh! Nandito ka pala Yara! Gagi, tinuturuan ka ni South? Bago 'to, ah!" natatawang sabi ni Frost. "Kung ako 'yan, nasapak pa 'ko."

Kahit nang pinuna sila ni Frost, hindi pa rin talaga umalis si Yara sa pagkakahiga sa braso ni South. Tang ina, anong nangyayari? Bakit dikit na dikit sila sa isa't isa?

"Maupo na kayo at pakihinaan ang boses, Frost. Hindi soundproof ang reading room," sita ni Lion.

Sumunod naman sila sa gusto ng kaibigan. Sinadya ni Xamuel umupo sa harap nina Yara at South para sana matauhan ang dalawa, pero wala pa ring naging epekto iyon.

"So you want me to punch Yara, Frost?" pamimilosopo ni South.

"Gagi, 'di ko sinabi 'yan. Kapag ako kasi ang tinuturuan mo, may kasama na ngang masasamang words, may suntok pang freebie. Bakit kay Yara biglang ang bait mo?"

"Tang ina, ang ingay naman. Huwag mo na silang pag-initan, nagbato-bato pick kami at natalo si South kaya siya nagtuturo kay Yara," iritadong sabi ni Lion. "Ano itatanong mo, Muel?"

Lions' remarks drifted into the background as Yara and South returned to their activities. Xamuel, however, couldn't tear his gaze away from them. His jaw tightened, his fists clenched at his sides, an uncomfortable knot twisting in his stomach. Was it the sight of Yara snuggled comfortably in his friend's arms or the fact that she didn't even glance his way?

"Xamuel?" tawag muli ni Lion.

"Yung last number sa reviewer," sagot ni Muel.

As Xamuel turned his head toward Lion, he caught the intense gaze of both Lion and Frost. Their eyes were already fixed on him, observing his every move. Xamuel's brow furrowed in curiosity, but before he could speak, Lion and Frost exchanged a glance and shrugged nonchalantly, dismissing his unspoken query.

Inabot ni Lion ang papel niya kay Xamuel at saka in-entertain si Frost na kumakain pa rin ng puto. Gustuhin man ni Xamuel intindihin ang sagot ni Lion, hindi siya makapag-focus dahil sa dalawang nasa harapan niya.

Pareho lang ang tinuturo ni South kay Yara sa sinasagutan niya. Gulong gulo si Xamuel kung bakit ganito ang turing ni South kay Yara, na para bang...

"Wait, Li, kukuha lang ako ng kape," Frost said, catching Muel's attention. "Wala akong dalang tubig, e."

"Sama," Muel said and stood up.

"Magkakape ka rin?" Lion asked because he knew Xamuel was never a fan of coffee.

Imbis na sumagot ay tumango na lang si Xamuel at sumabay sa paglabas ni Frost.

"Gago, bakit gano'n sina Yara at South?" Frost whispered as soon as Xamuel closed the door.

Ito talaga ang gusto ni Xamuel kay Frost—ang pagiging chismoso niya.

"Tang ina, hindi ko rin alam kaya nga sumama ako sa 'yo. Parang okay lang kasi kay Lion ang lahat."

"Kaya nga? Last time we checked, may gusto si South kay Titus, right?" Frost asked. "Anong nangyayari? Friendly gesture lang kaya 'yon? Sabagay, mukhang may sakit si Yara. Ang putla niya."

Xamuel opened his mouth to respond, but the words faltered on his tongue as he realized something. He couldn't believe he had been so absorbed in his own emotions that he had completely missed the signs of Yara's sickness. Guilt washed over him as he realized just how preoccupied he had been.

"What? Don't tell me hindi mo napansin? Ano, puro selos na lang—"

"Hindi ako nagseselos," Xamuel intervened.

"Sige, kung hindi e 'di ano 'yan?" Turo ni Frost sa mukha niya.

Tang ina... hindi ko rin alam!

"Nagulat lang ako, okay? Gaya mo. Ako kaya pinaka-close kay Yara sa 'ting lahat—"

Frost chuckled. "Wow, sinabi ba 'yan ni Yara?"

"Hindi, pero ako lagi niyang kasama," Muel pointed out.

"E 'di inaaamin mo na ngayong lagi kayong magkasama," pang-aasar lalo ni Frost.

Gusto ni Xamuel magmura pero nakatingin na sa kanila ang masungit na librarian. Bakit kasi nasa tabi pa niya ang coffee machine? Hinayaan na lang niyang magtimpla ng kape si Frost para sa kanilang dalawa dahil hindi siya maalam do'n.

"Nakakapagtaka lang kung kailan sila naging gano'n ka-close..." Xamuel whispered behind Frost.

"Gago, 'wag ka ngang bumulong sa batok ko," sita ni Frost. "Type mo ba 'ko?"

Tang ina naman... "Type tapunan ng kumukulong tubig kasi kanina ka pa. Kinakausap ka na nga nang maayos, kung ano-ano pang sinasabi."

"Wala rin akong alam sa dalawang 'yon kaya ewan ko. Siguro mula no'ng tinulungan natin si Yara sa CR? Si South nag-asikaso sa kanya buong oras no'n, 'di ba? Siguro, magkaibigan lang talaga sila tulad niyo."

"Magkaibigan tulad namin? Ni hindi nga ako sinasandalan ni Yara—"

"Bakit? Gusto mo bang sandalan ka niya?" natatawang tanong ni Frost. "And you have the audacity to deny my accusations."

"Because I really don't like her," Muel attempted to clarify, but for the first time, his body betrayed his words.

He felt a tightening in his chest, and his hands grew cold as if his being resisted the truth he was trying to convey.

Frost nodded. "You stuttered."

"No, I didn't."

"You did. Ako lang kausap mo rito kaya ako lang nakakita."

"What's your point?" Muel asked impatiently.

Napailing si Frost at nagsalin ng mainit na tubig sa baso nila. "You like her, but you refuse to admit that to yourself."

Xamuel chuckled. "Klassey wants us back, and I don't have the energy to like someone else right now."

"Huh? Nakikipagbalikan sa 'yo ex mo? Bakit? Huwag na," mabilis na tutol ni Frost at inabot kay Xamuel ang kanyang kape.

"Naisip ko ring bigyan ng second chance ang relasyon namin—"

"Seryoso ka ba?" natatawang tanong ni Frost at halos matapon pa ang hawak na kape.

Sa tabing espasyo na sila uminom dahil nakalagay sa sign ng library na bawal daw sa mga lamesa ilagay ang kape. Hindi nga lang matukoy ni Xamuel kung ano ang mas mainit, ang kape ba o ang ulo niya sa iritasyon.

"I mean... we're graduating. After this, college na. I used to talk about the future with Klassey, so—"

"Ah, gets," Frost intervened. "Of course, being a believer in rationality means choosing Klassey, your clear-cut future, is the obvious choice over someone who can't even bring themselves to look at you."

A few sips of coffee and Xamuel's senses snapped to attention, his mind instantly awake.

"Hindi kita pinangungunahan pero sana lang hindi ka talaga magsisi sa desisyon mo, Muel."

Xamuel let out a heavy sigh, his shoulders slumping as he exhaled deeply. "I cannot like Yara."

"Why not? Because she used to like South? Because she used to be one of your ex's friends? That's bullshit. If I like someone, I wouldn't hesitate," Frost whispered upon sipping.

Xamuel couldn't help but admire Frost's audacity in admitting that if he liked someone, he'd make his move without hesitation. Xamuel knew he wasn't built that way. Beyond the reasons Frost pointed out, there was another, deeper truth that gnawed at him.

He had never felt for Yara the way he did for Klassey. He could put in the effort to make Yara happy, but he couldn't muster a genuine desire to take their relationship further.

He tried grasping for reasons to like Yara, but they were amorphous, insubstantial. He couldn't force feelings that didn't exist. He had no apparent reasons to like Yara, and that was why he couldn't see her in the same light.

"How could you even like someone without any reason?" Muel asked, absent-minded.

Frost sighed, a wistful look in his eyes. "I'm no love expert, but that's your weakness. Sometimes, liking or loving someone isn't about having a concrete reason. Love can be unconditional, boundless, and beyond rational explanation."

Frost was right. Xamuel's weakness was his inability to understand how a relationship could thrive without a solid reason for being together. They finished their coffee before heading back to the reading room, where their friends were immersed in their studies.

The familiar setup greeted them, but this time, Yara was wearing South's sweater, a sight that sent a pang through Xamuel's chest. As they took their seats, no one looked their way.

Frost engaged Lion in conversation while Xamuel decided to mind his business. Despite his tangled emotions and heavy heart, Xamuel focused on the last tricky question in their reviewer, relying on Lion's notes.

The room settled into a quiet study, the only sounds being the rustle of pages and the occasional whisper. Suddenly, the door swung open, and Klassey walked in. Xamuel's breath hitched as his ex-girlfriend stood before them uninvited.

"Klassey, what brings you here?" Lion asked.

Klassey smiled. "Nakita ko kayong nag-aaral kaya pumasok ako para sana makisali. Nandito rin si Yara kaya naisip ko na baka pwede."

"Huh?" Frost couldn't keep quiet. "She's our friend, and you're not."

"Frost," sita ni Lion. "Sorry, Kla, pero limang tao lang ang pwede sa room na 'to."

"I know, so—"

Nabitin ang pagsasalita ni Klassey nang tumayo sina South at Yara. Gulat na gulat sina Lion, Xamuel, at Frost sa biglaang ginawa ng mga kasama. Saka lang napansin ni Xamuel na wala na pala sa lamesa ang mga gamit nila, mukhang niligpit na nila kanina habang abala sila kay Klassey.

"Guys, you shouldn't be the ones to leave," Frost chuckled to mask his anger. "Si Klassey lang naman ang nag-imbita sa sarili niya rito, and obviously wala ng upuan kaya dapat siya ang umalis."

"It's fine. We've finished our studies for today," South replied in his usual stern tone. "Yara isn't feeling well, so I need to take her home."

"But—"

"Thanks, South, and get well soon, Yara," Klassey said.

Xamuel observed Yara's face tighten, her eyes narrowing and her lips pressing into a thin line as Klassey uttered her name.

"Mauna na kami," paalam ni South at hinawakan ang kaliwang kamay ni Yara.

Xamuel closed his eyes, listening to the sound of Yara and South's footsteps fading away. The door clicked shut, and the room felt emptier. Klassey seized the moment, a rejoicing smile across her face as she took the seat Yara had vacated.

Xamuel's instinct was to follow Yara, to chase after the unresolved emotions tugging at his heart—but he knew he shouldn't submit to those irrational emotions any longer.

With a deep breath, he opened his eyes and forced himself to focus on the person in front of him, the one he had a reason to choose—Klassey.