Chapter 32

TW: Sexual Assault

‍‍‍‍‍‍Tulala ako hanggang sa isuot niya ulit ang muscle tee. He sang two more songs to bring back the ambience before going down the platform. Walang pumapasok sa utak ko kung hindi ang mga tanong tungkol sa nangyari sa kanya sa mga nagdaang taon.

I knew that I shouldn't be concerned about it. We were done. We were over. Hindi na dapat iyon importante sa akin.

But then his lonely eyes and scarred back pricked at the shattered pieces of my heart. Parang sinasabi ng puso ko na dapat ko siyang pakinggan, na dapat ko siyang tanungin. He wanted to talk to me when we first saw each other, but my hatred toward him dominated my emotions.

Hindi na ako nakasama sa mga kaibigan ko sa pagsu-swimming ulit. Nanatili akong nakaupo sa isa sa mga bean bags habang malalim ang iniisip. Tuloy-tuloy rin ang pag-inom ko ng beer. Lumalalim na ang gabi at lumalamig na rin ang hangin. I was thinking of wearing my jumpsuit again, but I couldn't bring myself to stand.

"Harvin, are you free tonight?" Narinig kong sigaw ng isa sa mga babae sa bar counter.

Palihim kong tiningnan ang puwesto nila at napansing pinalilibutan na naman ng babae si Rouge. May hawak lang siyang baso ng beer, pero may mga babae nang nakaupo sa tabi o nakatayo sa likod niya. Hindi ko sigurado kung nakita niya ako dahil noong bumaba naman ssiya sa stage ay dumiretso na siya sa bar counter.

"I'm sorry. I wanna be alone tonight, girls," he uttered in his low, husky voice. Hindi naman malakas ang pagkakasabi niya pero dahil may kalapitan ako sa puwesto nila ay dinig ko ang pagtanggi niya.

"But you look sad, Harv. I just want to entertain you. In my hotel room, perhaps?" one of the girls blurted out.

Hindi ko inalis ang tingin ko sa kanila. Napansin kong medyo namumula ang mga mata ni Rouge, parang hindi nakatulog ng ilang araw. Dinilaan niya ang pang-ibabang labi na agad umani ng mahinang buntong-hininga mula sa mga babaeng nakapaligid sa kanya.

"Not interested, Miss," he answered, dismissing the beautiful girl.

She pursed her lips as he touched his left shoulder. Gaya ko, ang ibang babae ay nanonood lang sa ginagawa niya.

Sa hindi malamang dahilan, naramdaman kong kumunot ang noo ko kasabay ng pagsasalubong ng aking mga kilay. Why was she touching him? Umayaw na nga, eh. Why couldn't she just listen to what he said?

"I'm sad, too. Why don't you suck the negative aura out of my titties?"

Kasabay ng pagbagsak ng panga ko ay ang marahas na pagtayo ni Rouge.

"I said I wanted to be alone!" he shouted angrily. "Can't you give me privacy?! I have a wife and a daughter so stop bothering me!"

I quickly tore my gaze off of them. Bahagyang bumigat ang paghinga ko sa sigaw at sa laman ng sinabi niya. Hindi ko sigurado kung tinigilan na siya ng babae ngunit dinig ko ang mga bulungan nila. Of course, they all knew him as a bachelor! And he was! Alya and I were not his responsibility! Kung kami nga ang tinutukoy niya!

Dala siguro ng tama ng alak ay tumayo ako. The red bikini emphasized my body, and I was aware that my boobs looked nice and plump. I knew that, after giving birth, my frame had developed into that of a full-grown woman. Habang naglalakad patungo sa bar counter ay pinasadahan ko ng daliri ang buhok ko na sa haba ng panahon ay hanggang baywang ko na. Its wavy ends carelessly cascaded down my back.

"Another beer, please," saad ko sa bartender bago naupo sa isa sa mga high stools sa tapat noon.

Ramdam ko ang mabibigat na tingin mula sa direksyon ni Rouge ngunit hindi ko siya binalingan. Tahimik din ang paligid dahil siguro sa pagkapahiya ng babae kanina. Rinig na rinig tuloy ang boses ko.

Nang inilapag ng bartender ang alak sa harap ko ay pinadaplisan ko ng tingin si Rouge.

He was stoned. Pansin ko ang mabilis na pagtuwid ng likod niya dahil sa presensya ko.

Rolling my eyes, I turned to look at the sea.

Goodness, Debs. You wanted to hide in the dark, so what the fuck were you doing now? Papansin ka!

I was nervous as hell, but just like before, I put on a mask and made sure no one noticed it. Nakita ko ang mga kaibigan na ligayang-ligaya sa tubig. Rapsly had already linked his arm to a gorgeous man, while Cali was laughing and throwing water at Cliff. I smiled upon watching them. They didn't really change.

Rouge's eyes trailed behind me. I could feel it. Sinulyapan ko pa siya para ipaalam sa kanya na alam kong pinanonood niya ako, pero parang hindi naman siya nahiya dahil hindi siya nag-iwas manlang ng tingin! Nakatitig lang siya sa akin, hindi binibigyan atensyon ang ibang mga babae na naghihintay na mapansin niya!

"Harv, come on..."

Nilingon ko ang bagong dating na babae bago dahan-dahang ibinaba ang tingin kay Rouge. He gulped when he saw me but the girl behind him draped her arm around his shoulders.

Sweet. I knew some women were desperate for his attention because I used to be one of them. I mean, he was Harvin Rouge Foster. A man who had the power to make women orgasm just by looking at them.

I scoffed and gave him a disgusted look. You should calm your fan girls, for heaven's sake! Sa akin ka tingin nang tingin at handa na akong masugod ng isa sa mga babaeng umaaligid sa 'yo!

"Miss, please, I have set my eyes on a particular girl..." he begged, almost in a whisper. "I can't take it when she's mad. Please, 'wag n'yo na akong guluhin."

Funny how it reached my ears, kahit pa halatang ayaw naman niyang iparinig iyon sa akin. Well, sorry, I paid attention even if I knew I shouldn't! My actions were only a product of alcohol! At hindi ko pa nalilimutan ang likuran niya!

I was having a happy time teasing him when a man sat beside me. He was the one who shouted earlier when my friends and I entered the place. Malaki ang hubad niyang katawan at naka-bun ang buhok.

I pursed my lips. He looked good, but I knew someone more attractive than him.

"Hi," he said, holding a can of beer.

Napatingin ako kay Rouge at napansin ko ang pagbabago ng ekspresyon niya. Kanina lang ay malamlam lang ang mga mata niyang nakatingin sa akin ngunit ngayon ay malalim na ang kunot ng noo niya.

"Hi, how can I help you?" I replied before looking at the man beside me.

Ngumiti ito. "Drop the formalities, beautiful. I've been observing for a while now. Do you have a boyfriend?"

I smirked. "I have a daughter."

"Oh." He grinned. "That's hot."

Umirap ako at muling tinawag ang bartender para bigyan ako ng beer. I was aware of the intense glares given by Rouge, but I couldn't care less. So, what if I was flirting with this guy? Wala naman kaming relasyon para samaan niya ako ng tingin. Hindi ko rin kasalanan kung masakit ang mga pinagdaanan niya. I had my fair share of painful past experiences. Hindi dapat ako lumalambot dahil lang sa mga sugat niya.

"You're single?" the man asked sensually.

Tumango ako bago uminom ng beer.

"My name is Alfonso, you are?"

Ibinaba ko ang bote at itinagilid ang katawan para balingan siya. Tuloy ay kita ko sa likuran niya ang tingin sa amin ni Rouge.

"I'm Debs. What do you need?"

Ngumisi ang lalaki. "Nothing, just wanna make new friends, and you know..." He chuckled lowly. "Maybe do some wonders."

I cringed. "Ah, okay... but I'm not up for a new friend and certainly not for doing wonders."

"Feisty, I like that."

My eyes drifted to Rouge. Nakayuko na siya ngayon, at kita ko ang dahan-dahan niyang pag-iling. I bit my lower lip before returning my gaze at the man beside me.

"I'm sorry but I'm really not interested," magalang na saad ko. "You can ask other girls. Excuse me."

Huminga nang malalim bago tumayo. Muli kong sinulyapan si Rouge pero hindi na niya ako nakita dahil nakayuko pa rin siya. I needed fresh air. I felt like my heart was about to burst from the amount of attention he was giving me... at isa pa, gusto kong mag-isip-isip.

Dahil mukhang nag-eenjoy pa ang mga kaibigan ko ay hindi ko na sila ginulo. Nagpaalam naman kasi sila kanina sa akin at ang alam nila ay nakaupo lang ako sa isa sa mga bean bags. I hugged myself before walking toward the darker part of the place.

Ramdam ko ang pagkiliti ng tubig sa paa ko dahil nasa gilid lang naman ako ng dagat. Ang buhangin, tulad ng simoy ng hangin, ay malamig. I came to a halt before as I placed my hair on the left side of my neck. My body was now facing the dark ocean, with the light waves lapping at my toes.

Kung normal na araw lang ito, magaan siguro ang pakiramdam ko. Kaya lang, hindi ko mapigilang hindi maisip ang nakita kanina.

Rouge's back was scarred and covered in bruises. Now that he looked more reserved than before, his eyes were still brimming with sadness. Did he develop a trauma? Did he really think his body wasn't perfect just because of his wounds?

I sighed. Where was the confident Rouge I once knew? For the past years, I planted and watered my negative feelings for him. Inalagaan kong mabuti ang galit ko sa kanya, sa lahat ng ginawa niya. I carried the hatred in the deepest recesses of my heart. Ayokong makalimutan ang multong iniwan niya sa akin.

His words haunted me... and it was hard to believe that he really did love me. Mas madaling paniwalaan na gumanti lang siya sa akin.

I closed my eyes and remembered the day when he purposely didn't show up to avenge our child. Pinaibig niya ako para ilaglag din ako sa dulo. There would be no valid reason to justify what he did. Not even his past.

Kinaya naming mabuhay ni Alya nang kami lang. Hindi namin kailangan ng kahit na sinong dagdag sa pamilya namin.

I was alone with my thoughts when I felt a hot breath on my nape. I jumped and faced the person behind me. And to my shock, it was the man from earlier! Si Alfonso!

His eyes were red and kind of droopy, parang nakahithit ng droga. He was grinning wickedly at me while scanning my entire body. His stare made me shiver. It was rife with malice!

"What are you doing here?" I asked calmly, not minding the fast beating of my heart.

Madilim at malayo kami sa mga tao dahil ginusto kong maglakad-lakad, ngunit hindi ko naman inaasahan na may susunod sa akin! Kinurot ko ang sarili para makapag-isip nang tama.

"Why did you leave me there, Debs? I was talking to you. You're rude," he whispered. "A sexy rude girl..."

I stepped back when he started nearing me. Walang punto para sumigaw ako dahil sigurado akong walang makaririnig sa akin sa layo ko sa mga tao. He continued walking in my direction, habang ako naman ay naglalakad din palayo. Ramdam ko ang tubig sa paanan ko dahil sa paghakbang ko.

I gulped when he smirked. I may be a bitch, but I knew that I couldn't fight this man. He was too big! I looked at his sides and thought of running. I took a deep breath and began to flee, but his powerful arms grabbed my waist before I could even get to the crowd of people.

Dahil sa gulat at takot ay napatili ako.

"Rouge! Help me!" malakas na malakas na sigaw ko kahit na alam kong malabong marinig niya ako. "R-Rouge, please!"

Alfonso put his hand on my mouth to keep me from screaming. Bahagyang niyang iniangat ang katawan ko sa ere habang bitbit ako sa baywang. I moved my feet in an attempt to escape as he walked toward the darker side of the island.

Umiiling ako at ramdam ko ang pagtulo ng luha sa mata ko.

"N-no..." I begged, but he just chuckled.

I closed my eyes as I realized how hopeless my situation was. He positioned me against a massive tree before kissing my neck. He was still tightly gripping my mouth, making it impossible for me to say a word. I couldn't help but cry and silently pray for a savior.

"You taste heaven—"

My breathing became labored when I saw Rouge behind him, jaw was clenched. Bago pa ako makahingi ng tulong ay hinawakan na niya ang balikat ni Alfonso at buong lakas na sinuntok sa mukha. I broke down at the base of the tree, crying, as my knees gave out.

Naririnig ko ang mabibigat na paghinga ni Rouge habang sinusuntok si Alfonso. Nakahiga na ang ito sa buhangin kaya lumuhod si Rouge para patuloy na sapakin ang lalaki. Wala siyang sinasabi ngunit namumula ang mukha niya sa matinding galit. He was panting, and the deepest shade of rage could be seen in his eyes.

Ni hindi makaganti si Alfonso dahil sa sunod-sunod niyang pag-atake. I was sobbing as I watched them until I saw Alfonso lose consciousness.

"I will fucking kill you!" he growled as he continued to kick the man in the stomach.

I cried. "R-Rouge..."

Sa mahina kong pag-iyak ay napatigil siya. He looked at me, and his hard expression softened in an instant. Galit na galit siya, at mabilis ang bawat paghinga, ngunit ikinalma niya ang sarili nang makita ang kalagayan ko.

Naglakad siya palapit sa akin.

My face was covered in tears and sand. He then knelt down to my level and looked into my eyes. Nang magtama ang mata namin ay hinawakan niya ang mukha ko at pinalis ang buhangin at luha sa pisngi ko.

His eyes were filled with rage, but the way he held my face was gentle. Ramdam ko naman ang panginginig ng katawan ko sa matinding lamig at takot.

"Hush," he muttered. "I'm sorry for being late..."

Umiling ako, at dala na rin ng pasasalamat ay yumakap ako sa leeg niya. Alam kong ramdam niya ang pangangatal ko kaya mabilis niya akong niyakap pabalik. I was crying on his neck, feeling safe. At para pakalmahin ako ay sinimulan niyang haplusin ang likod ko.

"You're safe now, Reese. No one could harm you," he whispered... and it sounded like an oath.

I was relieved. I was so, so scared... and he came.

"T-thank you!" I sobbed.

He let out a sigh and embraced me tighter. "No, thank you for... shouting my name."

Siguro ay limang minuto niya rin akong pinakalma hanggang sa marinig ko ang mga kaibigan ko. I opened my eyes and saw them looking at the unconscious man lying carelessly on the ground.

"Tangina, inano ka nito, Deborah?!" Clifford shouted, ni hindi manlang pinansin na yakap-yakap na ako ni Rouge.

Sinubukang kumawala ni Rouge sa pagkakayakap sa akin ngunit hinigpitan ko lang ang kapit sa leeg niya. He couldn't leave me here!

His chest heaved, letting me hug him a little bit longer. He was so warm and comforting. Para siyang si Alya.

"Call the police," Clifford commanded.

Rapsly and Cali went toward me, but I didn't let go of Rouge. Si Clifford at ang ibang lalaki na naroon ang umasikaso sa nangyari sa akin.

"Debs, here's a towel. You're cold," Cali said, concern dripping from his voice.

Kinuha ni Rouge ang ibinibigay ng kaibigan ko at maingat na ipinalibot iyon sa katawan ko. His brows were furrowed, as if he was thinking deeply.

Rapsly grabbed my hair and put it in a bun to stop my hair from prickling my eyes.

"Sorry, girl, we shouldn't have left you," he uttered, feeling guilty. "Ang akala namin ay nakaupo ka lang sa bean bag..."

Hindi ako sumagot. Naramdaman ko ang paglayo sa akin ni Rouge dahilan para mataranta ako. He stood up, and my gaze followed his move. Mukha siyang nagpipigil ng galit.

I bowed my head and played with my fingers. What was I doing?

"Salamat, Harv. Ihahatid na namin si Debs pauwi," narinig kong sabi ni Cali sa lalaki.

"Hindi na, samahan n'yo na si Clifford at ako na ang bahalang mag-uwi kay Reese," Rouge replied in a monotone.

Rapsly breathed. "Cliff can handle himself, and I don't think Deborah will be comfortable, kung ikaw ang maghahatid sa kanya."

I slowly stood up and held the towel around my body. Inisa-isa ko silang tingnan.

"Kaya ko nang umuwi..." Halos hindi ko rin paniwalaan ang sinabi. "Huwag na kayong mag-abala."

"No," they uttered in chorus.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi at tiningnan si Cliff na nakikipag-usap sa mga naroon. They contacted the hospital and the police nearby.

I cleared my throat. "Uh, Rapsly... siguro ay samahan n'yo na lang si Cliff. I will tell the police the details later."

"Are you sure? Ayos lang ba na si Harvin ang maghatid sa 'yo pauwi?" tanong ni Cali, naninimbang.

I nodded in response.

"Sige, pero pagkatapos namin dito ay didiretso na rin kami agad sa inyo. I'll buy you an ice cream. Do you want that, Debs?" pagpapakalma pa sa akin ni Cali.

"Or... how about something hot? Like ramen or soup?" dugtong ni Rapsly.

I pursed my lips when I felt my eyes tear up. Tahimik lang si Rouge habang pinanonood kaming mag-usap.

"M-mamaya na lang tayo sa shop magkita-kita." I gulped. "Ayos lang ako."

"No! Kami na ang magbabantay sa shop mo! You need to rest!" ani Cali bago tumingin kay Rouge. "Iuwi mo muna sa kanila, Harvin."

Ganoon nga ang nangyari. Rouge rented a tricycle for us. Habang magkatabi kami sa loob ay pareho kaming tahimik. Hindi ko alam kung anong sumapi sa akin at dahan-dahan kong ipinatong ang ulo ko sa balikat niya. I was not sure if it was because of alcohol, gratitude... or something more.

He stiffened.

"Let me rest just for a few minutes, hmm?" nanghihinang pahayag ko. "I wouldn't do this again, I promise."

I felt his hand circling my waist, sending warmth to my body.

"You can do this anytime you want, Reese."

I didn't reply. Ganoon kalapit ang katawan namin hanggang sa matanaw ko ang bahay namin. Inalalayan niya ako na para akong senior citizen at pinaupo sa couch.

"Do you want coffee?" he asked softly. "Uh, I will get you some clothes. Do you want me to..." he trailed off, "dress you?"

My cheeks heated up.

"I mean..." He cleared his throat. "You should get dressed."

Tumango ako at tumayo na rin agad. I felt dirty because I knew that my neck had been kissed by a stranger. I could still feel that asshole's lips against my skin, and it was disgusting.

Walang imik akong pumasok sa kwarto, at nakita roon si Alya na tahimik nang natutulog katabi sina Aling Tessie at Jaja. I grabbed my clothes and went to the bathroom to clean myself.

Halos isang oras ako sa loob ng banyo kaya hindi ko na narinig ang pag-alis ni Rouge. Nang makapagbihis ako ay lumabas ako ng kwarto at halos mapatanga ako nang makitang nakaupo pa rin sa couch ang lalaki habang may dalawang tasa ng kape sa ibabaw ng center table.

"Uhh..." Lumikot ang mata niya at nakita kong bahagya siyang sumilip sa nakaawang na pinto ng kwarto para siguro tingnan si Alya.

I bit the insides of my cheeks before stepping aside to give him more access to the room. Nakita kong bahagya siyang ngumiti nang masilayan si Alya bago huminga nang malalim at tumingin sa akin.

Umupo ako sa kabilang couch at kinuha ang tasa sa center table. Ganoon din ang ginawa niya.

"Aalis na rin ako pagkatapos nito, Reese," aniya.

Tumango ako at muli na naman kaming nanahimik. This time, it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. Rinig ko ang paghinga naming dalawa. Ramdam ko rin ang paminsan-minsang pagsulyap niya sa akin.

"Si Alya..." basag niya sa katahimikan.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. He sounded tense.

"Anong grade niya na? At anong klaseng... bata siya?" He looked away. "Makulit ba siya? Nahirapan ka bang ipanganak siya?" sunod-sunod na tanong niya.

My heart clenched in pain. Hindi ko alam kung para sa kanya o para sa lahat ng pinagdaanan namin. Maybe, he deserved to know it. Alam kong alam niyang anak namin si Alya at kahit papaano, may karapatan siyang malaman ang kaunting bagay tungkol sa anak niya.

Lumunok ako. "Grade 2. She's kind and confident. She didn't give me a hard time taking care of her. Malikot siya." Bahagya akong tumawa nang maalala ang madungis na Alya habang nanghuhuli ng mga palaka. "Masayahin at aktibo rin sa school lalo kapag may singing contest. Tapos no'ng pinagbubuntis ko siya..." I paused and breathed deeply.

Yumuko ako at hinawakan ang kamay ko para pisilin 'yon.

"I wanted to have an abortion," I confessed. "Kasi... wala naman akong napapatunayan pa, eh. Paano ko siya bubuhayin kung ako mismo, hindi ko kayang tumayo sa sarili kong paa? Wala akong alam bukod sa pananahi at hindi ako kayang buhayin no'n. Paano na lang kapag nagka-anak ako, 'di ba?"

I fought the urge to cry. Those were the darkest days of my life. No'ng talikuran niya ako, no'ng sinabi niyang sinadya niya ang lahat, no'ng sinabi niyang hindi niya ako mahal. Nagbunga ang ginawa namin ngunit 'yong kasama ko sa pagbuo ng pangarap naming dalawa, iniwan akong mag-isa.

I chuckled sarcastically, the memories came flooding back to me.

"I'm sure you won't understand me, right? Iisipin mo na naman, masama akong tao kasi ginusto kong magpalaglag. You will see it as murder. You will look at me as a terrible woman, tama?" Nanginig ang labi ko. "You know what? Even after giving birth, I had a lot of regrets. I suffered... Rouge... I fucking suffered."

The shouts, the screams, the hallucinations, and the delusions—I remembered them all.

"But of course, you won't get it. Kasi para sa 'yo, mamamatay tao ako..."

His eyes were sad, almost lifeless, as he listened to me. Mahigpit ang hawak niya sa tasa at kita ko ang paghinga niya nang malalim.

"No, you're a great... woman," nababasag ang tinig na sabi niya.

I scoffed. "Lies, lies... tingin mo ba limot ko na ang nangyari sa atin, Rouge? You stripped my dreams off of me. Ganoon ka kagalit! You made me think that you fell in love with me, para mabilis mo akong mabasag! Para mabilis mo akong masira! And I was a fool to believe you! I was a fool to think that you'd marry me after graduation!"

His lips parted, but nothing came out of his mouth.

"Thank you for saving me today but I think you have to leave," buo ang boses na utos ko. "I'm sorry for being too clingy, I was just... scared."

"I didn't fool you," he whispered. "I was ready to marry you, too."

"Shut up!" I shouted.

Umiling siya at nagmamakaawang tumingin sa akin. "Hindi kita niloko! Hindi ko sinadya lahat, R-Reese! I really love—"

"Tumahimik ka na!" mas malakas na sigaw ko. "Your explanation was late! Wala na akong pakikinggan mula sa 'yo! And no, you didn't really love me! You just settled with me! Kasi alam mong mahal kita! Kasi gusto mong gumanti!"

Tumayo siya. "No! I love you! That's why I settled with you!"

Habol ang aming paghinga, at pakiramdam ko sasabog ang dibdib ko sag alit. Sinuklay niya ng kamay ang buhok niya at pumikit nang mariin.

"Leave," nanghihinang saad ko.

He looked like he had given up when he sighed.

"Anong gagawin ko pa, Reese? Isang tingin mo lang, takot na takot na ako sa 'yo... kaya ngayong pinaalis mo ulit ako, alam kong wala na naman akong magagawa kasi ikaw na 'yong nagsabi, eh." Basag na basag ang boses niya, para bang hindi niya kayang tapusin ang sinasabi. "Kahit ilang libong beses mo yata akong itaboy, babalik ako sa 'yo palagi. Kaya kong talikuran ang lahat pero pagdating sa 'yo, ang hina hina ko..."

Napakapit ako sa upuan at nilabanan ang sariling puso. No, I couldn't listen to him. I couldn't trust him again.

"Ang sabi mo ay tatanawin mo lang kami ni Alya. You should stick with your promise. Ang sabi mo ay hindi mo kami guguluhin," buo ang desisyon na saad ko.

"Yes. Of course. Nangangarap lang naman ako, eh. Hindi naman talaga ako manggugulo. Gusto ko lang panoorin ang..." He looked up as his chest heaved. "Ang... mag-ina ko."

Tears pooled in my eyes. Mag-ina.

"Sige na. Aalis na ako, Reese. Isarado mong mabuti ang mga p-pinto at pupunta rin ako sa police station para asikasuhin ang nangyari kanina. Matulog ka na. Pasensya dahil imbes na nakapahinga ka, ginulo pa kita." Muli siyang sumulyap sa pinto ng kwarto. "Please, tell Alya, I'm sorry... so sorry."

I watched him until he disappeared from my line of sight.

I'm sorry, Rouge, but your tears and scars won't mend my broken heart.