Chapter 24

"You're seven weeks pregnant, Ms. Madrid. Congratulations!" nakangiting saad ng OB-Gyne na pinuntahan namin ni Mommy. Itinakas niya ako nang malaman namin kahapon na nagdadalang-tao ako.

I couldn't feel the happiness I was supposed to feel. The doctor was excited for me, but my heart knew that I didn't want this.

Kinausap ni Mommy ang doctor habang nakatulala lang ako sa upuan at pinakikinggan sila. Dahil nasa first trimester pa lang ako, the most critical stage, I was advised to eat proper meals on time. The doctor also prescribed some vitamins for me.

"Mommy," the doctor called me, and happiness was beaming in her eyes. "You have to be healthy for your baby. You may experience food cravings, nausea, fatigue, and frequent urination, so you have to get enough sleep and make sure to drink plenty of water."

I didn't answer her. Ni hindi ako tumango o ano. Medyo nagbago ang ekspresyon ng mukha niya ngunit mabilis din namang nakabawi. Maybe she realized that I didn't want this pregnancy.

Marami pa siyang sinabi ngunit hindi na ako nakinig. There was life within me, but why did I feel so dead and empty? The father of this child ruined everything for me. I would not accept this. I already had a lot of baggage to carry. Hindi na dapat dumagdag ito.

It was a relief that my father wasn't home. Dumiretso agad kami sa kwarto ko para magpahinga. I know that sooner or later, malalaman din ng lahat na buntis ako. Lalong magagalit si Daddy. Lalo niya akong itatakwil.

"Debs," tawag sa akin ni Mommy.

Naririndi na ako sa paulit-ulit na nangyayari sa buhay ko. Bakit ba hindi ako natututo? Sana ay nakuntento na lang akong tanawin si Rouge sa malayo! Sana ay hindi ako nagkakaganito ngayon! The plans I had for myself had crumbled down. My dream of becoming a fashion designer grew harder and impossible to attain now.

I looked at my mom with tears and shook my head continuously. "I don't want this child! I don't want this child! Please, Mommy, let's remove this! I don't want this child!" paulit-ulit kong iyak.

Huminga siya nang malalim at pinanood lang ako. I was crying my heart out while trying to rip the bedsheet beneath me. I was like a madwoman, having an emotional meltdown. I grabbed the vase on my bedside table and threw it on the wall, creating a loud clank.

Mabilis ang paghinga ko bago dahan-dahang lumuhod sa harap ni Mommy.

"P-please, ayoko pang maging nanay! I can't give this child a future... kasi ako, Mommy, wala rin ako no'n!" paos na sigaw ko. "Hindi ko siya mabibigyan ng kumpletong pamilya! Hindi ko maibibigay ang pangangailangan niya! Ni hindi ko sigurado kung kaya ko siyang mahalin dahil ubos na ubos na ako!"

I hugged my mom's knees like I was begging for my life. My whole body was trembling from pressure and, once again, dismay. Life had drained me.

"W-walang rason para buhayin ko 'to..." I uttered, almost in a whisper. "Ni walang rason para mabuhay ako..."

Mula sa pagkakatayo ay unti-unting lumuhod si Mommy para pantayan ako. Her eyes were full of tears, concern, and a faint sense of love. She brushed my hair and put some strands of it behind my ears.

"Paano kung ang anak mo ang magbigay ng rason sa 'yo?" she mumbled as she continued to caress my hair. "Like how you've given me reason to love my life, Deborah."

Nasa sahig lang kami pareho habang umiiyak. Pagtangis lang ang tangi kong naisagot sa kanya. Ngumiti siya sa akin at hinawakan ang mukha ko para palisin ang luha sa pisngi ko.

"It sounds really lame and overused, but every child is a blessing. It will be up to you if you're going to raise your child to be a blessing to others..."

I sobbed and held on to her even more.

"I'm not going to lie. I planned to abort you, too," she confessed. "I mean, I have a congenital heart disease. It was already a blessing that I had your Kuya Uno but the doctors told me that my second pregnancy might put my life in line."

My lips quivered. "M-Mommy..."

"For a moment, gusto kitang ipalaglag. But... I want to receive the gift from God. I wanted to see how beautiful life would be kapag pinili kong isilang ka... so I did."

Tinitigan niya ang mata ko at para akong nananalamin. We were so alike. It was like witchcraft. Our eyes were identical. They were enthralling, black, and... beautiful.

All of a sudden, I imagined this same pair of eyes from a child.

"It was worth it. After months of sleepless nights, cravings, and physical and emotional suffering, I gave birth to you. You are the most wonderful gift I've ever received from God." Bahagyang nanginig ang boses niya. "W-when I heard you cry, when you slept on my chest, when you looked at me with those eyes, I wept and thanked Him for giving you, my precious daughter, to me."

Inalalayan niya ako patayo at marahang pinahiga sa kama. She put the blanket over my shoulders while her face was full of dried tears. Our talk was filled with emotions... and I knew that part of me was convinced.

"This will be a rough road... but I will ride with you. You will be an amazing mother dahil wala pa man ang anak mo, iniisip mo na ang kapakanan niya. Now... let me take care of the rest and sleep."

Dala siguro ng pagod, mabilis akong nakatulog. My eyes were hurting, and my nose was runny from too much crying. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako ako kahaba natulog dahil nang magising ako, nakarinig lang ako ng sigawan sa baba.

I stood up and walked over to my door. Hindi ako puwedeng lumabas nang basta-basta dahil baka nasa baba si Daddy. Wala akong maaninag mula sa pintuan ng kwarto ko kaya inilawit ko ang katawan para tingnan ang nangyayari sa baba.

"Frando, you have to calm down," mahinahon ngunit mariing saad ni Mommy habang hinahawakan ang braso ni Daddy. "Walang magagawa ang init ng ulo mo. Deborah is our daughter."

Ayun palang ang naririnig ko ay sigurado na ako sa nangyayari. My mother told him that I was pregnant. Kumapit ako sa railings at tiningnan silang dalawa. My father's breathing was rough, reminding me how mad he was. I heaved a sigh and bit my bottom lip to suppress my cries. Wala pa man silang sinasabi, alam ko na. I was a disappointment. A disgrace.

"She just turned 21! Don't tell me that the father of her child was that asshat?!" he growled. "Mga bakla ang kaibigan niya kaya siguro natututong lumandi! Nagpadali agad! Nakakahiya! Anong sasabihin ng mga tao, ha?!"

Napalunok ako. Nadamay pa ang mga kaibigan ko dahil sa katangahan ko. It was my choice. It was my decision to give Rouge my all because I loved him so much.

Pinagpatuloy ni Mommy ang pagpapakalma kay Daddy. "Malaki na si Debs. Alam niya na ang ginagawa niya. As her parents, we have to be there for her. We have to support her."

Napasinghap ako sa gulat nang itulak ni Daddy si Mommy, dahilan para mapasalampak siya sa sahig.

"Kunsintidor ka kasi! Kung hindi mo hinayaang doon mag-aral si Deborah, hindi 'yan uuwi nang buntis ngayon! Kailangan nating ipakasal 'yan! Hindi ako papayag na mapapahiya ako nang ganito!"

Kalmadong tumayo lang si Mommy. It hurt to see them arguing because of me. Maganda ang relasyon ng mga magulang ko ngunit dahil sa 'kin, nagkaroon ng hidwaan ang samahan nila.

At... ipakakasal? Kanino? Kay Rouge?

I smiled bitterly as I wiped the tears from my cheeks. That was our original plan... well, at least that's what he led me to believe. Pero sa ngayon, parang hindi ko masisikmura na makita pa ang pagmumukha niya. Sa nakalipas na mga linggo, napalitan ng matinding poot ang puso ko para sa kanya. He didn't love me. He just used my dreams to hurt me... and it fucking worked.

"Mas mahalaga ba ang sasabihin ng mga tao kumpara sa nararamdaman ng anak mo? She's hurting, Frando! Can't you see how miserable our daughter is?!" Humikbi si Mommy. "Masakit na nga ang nangyari sa kanya, dinadagdagan mo pa! Nilamon ka na ng pera at impluwensya! I don't know you anymore!"

Another batch of tears pooled in my eyes. There you go, Debs. Your parents were throwing hurtful words at each other because of your stupidity. It was all your fault. Kahit si Rouge ay hindi mo puwedeng sisihin dahil ikaw ang nagdesisyon. It was all on you.

Hindi ko na gustong marinig pa ang sinasabi niya kaya pumasok na lang ulit ako sa kwarto. Kinuha ko ang sketchpad ko at sinubukang mag-design gaya ng lagi kong ginagawa kapag malungkot ako, ngunit sa panginginig ng kamay ko ay wala akong maiguhit. The pain in my chest was making it hard for me to breathe. Parang may sumasakal sa akin. I didn't know if this was just my hormones or if it was something deeper.

I isolated myself for the next days... weeks. Sa hindi ko malamang dahilan, hinayaan ako ni Daddy na mabuhay nang normal. Hindi niya pa rin ako kinakausap pero hindi na niya ako inilo-lock sa kwarto. My mother tried talking to me again, but because of shame, I shut her down.

I continued my pregnancy. Kumakain at natutulog ako nang tama sa oras. Iniinom ko rin lahat ng vitamins na pinaiinom nila sa akin. Para akong tuta na sunod nang sunod sa lahat ng sasabihin nila.

Pansin ko rin ang madalas na pag-alis ni Mommy. Madalas ay ilang araw siyang mawawala tapos kapag babalik siya, lagi siyang maputla. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Hindi ko rin naman siya magawang tanungin.

Ilang buwan pa lang si Kuya Uno bilang gobernador ay marami nang bumabatikos sa kanya. People even accused him of corruption and substance abuse.

Everything was a huge mess. Kahapon ay pinadala sa akin ang diploma at grades ko pero wala akong maramdaman kung hindi pagsisisi. Hindi ito ang nasa plano ko. Hindi ito ang gusto kong mangyari. Ni hindi manlang ako nakapagmartsa.

"I want to see Abuelo, mommy..." saad ko sa ina habang sinusuklay niya ang buhok ko.

Naramdaman ko ang pagtigil niya at panandaliang pagkatulala. Alam kong kilala niya si Abuelo dahil bukod sa lagi ko itong bukambibig noon, ito rin ang isa sa may pinakamalaking impluwensya at lupain dito sa Cebu.

Lumikot ang mata ni Mommy bago ipinagpatuloy ang pagsusuklay sa akin. Hindi rin siya sumagot kaya bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko. Nang matapos siya sa pag-aayos ng buhok ko ay lumayo siya sa akin para maupo sa kama.

"We'll know the gender of your baby tomorrow, so let's go shopping next week. What do you think?"

I squinted at her. She obviously changed the topic. Puwede naman niyang sabihin na hindi niya ako papayagan, pero hindi niya sinagot ang sinabi ko. My hair was now in pitch black at hanggang balikat ko ang haba noon. Dahan-dahan akong naglakad patungo sa puwesto ni Mommy para tabihan siya.

"Can I visit Abuelo?" I insisted. Malaki na ang tiyan ko at medyo masakit na rin sa balakang ang paglalakad dahil may kalakihan ang anak ko. I was in my fifth month of pregnancy and my baby was healthy.

Mommy sighed, then shook her head. She stood up and walked out of my room without saying anything. Lalong nagsalubong ang kilay ko. I blinked and slumped onto my bed, confused. Hindi ko na hinayaan ang sarili na isipin pa iyon dahil mapapagod lang ako. I just let myself sleep and rest.

That year, I knew that my family had faced a lot of crises. Wala akong ideya sa nangyayari sa labas ng bahay namin pero alam kong minsan na lang kung umuwi si Daddy. Madalas ay si Mommy lang ang kasama ko rito at ang ilang helpers. I focused on myself and my child. Hindi na ako mag-isa sa katawan ko ngayon kaya kailangan kong ayusin ang sarili ko. Iyon din ang pinakamalungkot na pasko at bagong taon sa buhay ko.

Last year, I spent my holidays here, heartbroken by Rouge. Ngayong taon, walang nagbago, hindi pa rin ako masaya. I lost contact with my friends. My father was ashamed of me. My dreams were ruthlessly taken away from me... by the man I loved and trusted most. I was in an unwanted pregnancy. I was stuck in this mansion like a robot, asking for a blanket.

For months, my skies didn't hold any stars. Madilim ang lahat sa akin at tila pinagkaitan ako ng langit na sumaya.

"Mommy, my water broke!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

Every contraction came with pain that dominated my whole being. My stomach tightened, and it wasn't long before I could hear my own yelling.

Naramdaman kong binubuhat ako patungo sa sasakyan ngunit nakapikit na ako. My mother was just hushing me. I took deep, long breaths, hoping to relieve the agony, but it didn't.

Time passed, and my cries could be heard from all four corners of the room.

"You can do this, Deborah..." my mother whispered to me while holding my hand. Halos maputol ko ang kamay niya sa tindi ng pagkapit ko rito. I pushed and pushed. My breathing was heavy and my throat was sore from shouting.

Napapikit ako nang tuluyang makahinga nang malalim. People were cheering for me, but I couldn't see their reactions because my eyes were closed and I didn't have the energy to do so.

Unti-unti, ang sigaw ko ay napalitan ng mas malakas at mas nakabibinging iyak... ng isang babaeng sanggol.

A tear fell from my eye.

On the 16th of January, I became a mother.