Chapter 23

He was leaning against the wall, shirt unbuttoned and chest bare, looking exhausted, worn out, and upset. He stared back at me, enraged, while I clutched a tiny piece of cloth, pleading for help and sanity.

Unsure, I slowly walked toward him. My steps were small and distraught. Tumigil lang ako nang dalawang metro nalang ang layo ko mula sa kanya. Nakatingin pa rin kami sa isa't isa, parehong may matinding galit ang mga mata.

The overwhelming pain in my heart was drowning me. Hindi ko matatanggap kung sakaling makumpirma ko ang mga naiisip ko. He wouldn't do that... right? Mahal niya ako, 'di ba? He couldn't probably turn his back on me, right?

"S-Saan ka galing?" My voice cracked. Lumunok ako para kalmahin ang sarili dahil kaunti na lang ay sasabog na ako.

He didn't answer. Nanatili ang mga mata niya sa akin. Ni hindi siya gumalaw sa kinatatayuan niya.

"Tapos na 'yong fashion show, Rouge. Bakit ka hindi pumunta?" Lumapit ako sa kanya. "Tell me your reason, p-please!" Basag na basag ang boses ko.

I gripped on his shirt and pulled it. Nakayuko na ako at nakatingin sa magkalapit naming mga sapatos dahil hindi ko kayang salubungin ang tingin niya.

"Please, isang rason lang... tatanggapin ko kahit ano." Nanginig ang labi ko kaya mariin akong pumikit. I could feel it. I could feel the throbbing pain. Parang hinihigit ang puso ko sa pagmamakaawang may rason siya.

"Kahit tungkol kay Solene!" dagdag ko pa. "Kahit pinili mong hanapin siya kaysa puntahan ako, ayos lang! Kahit nakalimutan mo na ngayon 'yong show... ayos lang din!"

I tapped my foot on the ground because I couldn't contain my emotions. Sa bawat segundong lumilipas ay bumibigat ang aking paghinga. I wanted to silence my unwanted thoughts. I wanted to calm my heart... but I couldn't. This was just too much to take.

"Kahit ano, Rouge, parang awa mo na. Tell me. Tell me that it's not your intention to hurt me..." napapaos na sabi ko. "Tell me that you're stuck. Sabihin mo sa akin na nakatulog ka! Na nalasing ka! Na may ginawa kang mas importante kaysa sa akin!"

I breathed out and slowly turned to face him. Wala akong mabasa sa kanya kung hindi galit... na hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling.

"You didn't abandon me... right?" I urged him, even though I was scared of the answer he might give me. "Mahal mo 'ko, eh! Syempre hindi mo 'yon magagawa sa akin, 'di ba? Kasi mahal mo ako! Kasi magpapakasal tayo after ng graduation!"

I saw how his lips quivered. Matalim ang tingin na iginagawad niya sa akin. Saulong-saulo ko ang ganito. Alam na alam ko kung paano ako natatakot kapag tinitingnan niya ako sa ganitong paraan.

His eyes darkened even more. "You killed our child."

Parang may bombang sumabog sa loob ko sa apat na salitang sinabi niya. Unti-unting lumuwag ang hawak ko sa damit niya dahil sa labis na panghihina.

"What?" I mumbled.

Tumayo siya nang tuwid at pinakatitigan ako. His eyes were bloodshot, but I could see a curtain of tears behind them. His jaw clenched aggressively, tanda ng pagtitimpi ng galit.

"I told you... I will always despise you and your fucking dreams!" he yelled.

Umiling ako nang sunod-sunod. "No! No! You don't despise me! Mahal mo ako! Sinabi mo 'yon!" Halos magmakaawa ako sa kanya. "Ang sabi mo, Rouge, mahal mo ako! Take it back! Don't do this... please."

I didn't know if my eyes were fooling me, but I saw how he wanted to retreat. For a brief second, I noticed that his expression softened... or that is what I thought.

"I tried to forgive you," he whispered. "But every time I think of what you did, hindi ko magawa! Hindi ko malimutan na kaya kong mahalin ang isang babaeng kagaya mo!"

I bit my lower lip to stop myself from having an outburst, but I couldn't. Naputol ang sinulid ng pasensya ko dahil sa galit, sakit, at dismaya.

"Edi sana hindi mo na lang ako pinatulan! Sana hindi mo na lang ako pinaasa! Sana hindi mo na lang sinabing mahal mo ako! Kasi, tangina naman, Rouge! Pinanghawakan ko 'yon!" Nanghihina ako nang suntukin ko ang dibdib niya.

"Sinabi ko namang ayoko na, 'di ba? Sinabi ko namang susukuan na kita! Pero niligawan mo 'ko! Naramdaman ko naman na mahal mo 'ko! Kaya parang awa mo na, 'wag kang magsalita nang ganito..."

But my words were written in water because he had already decided to crush me down, to break me apart, to abandon the fragments of my heart.

"This is my way to avenge my child! I want to see you in pain! You became a murderer for your dreams!" galit na galit na sigaw niya.

There was something in that shout. It made me want to think that there was an unspoken pain behind it. It made me want to convince myself that his anger was just a mask, a defense against every throb, a fight against despair.

But I was done reading between the lines. I was done believing my foolish heart. He hated me. He still... hated me. Whatever I did, our past would never be forgotten.

I blinked, my lips still trembling. My knees were also shaky, reminding me that I needed to get a hold of myself because I was on the verge of passing out.

I looked up and saw that the skies were devoid of stars and the moon. The darkness had taken over the world, calling my name, urging me to feel the pain because no one could see it.

It was at that point that I realized that the night was crying out for me. I was one more blow away from falling apart... but I was a soldier for love. Always ready to break and be gunned down by him.

"Did you plan all of this?" I asked softly without looking at him.

I felt naked. Parang walang balat na bumabalot sa katawan ko habang ang hangin na yumayakap sa akin ay mga karayom na handa akong paduguin sa hapdi.

"Yes."

I couldn't help but turn to face him and stare into his suffocating eyes. Walang bakas doon ang lalaking minahal ko. Walang marka ng lambing at kalinga. His gaze was as dull and dark as the night. Rife with rage. And as I kept looking at his face, I realized that my heart had already surrendered. I realized that my fragile thread of hope had snapped. One more question and I would be completely out of it.

"D-Do you love me?"

His eyes widened a fraction. He was taken aback. For the first time tonight, the anger in his eyes had dimmed. I wanted to fool myself. I wanted to beg him to say yes because I couldn't afford to lose myself... along with my murdered dreams.

He bowed, and slowly, very slowly, almost unmoving, he shook his head.

Hindi ko alam na ganito pala kasakit. Durog na durog ako. Parang nabugbog ang katawan ko, at sa tuwing susubukan kong gumalaw, ang mga maliliit na parte ng sistema ko ay kumikirot... pumipintig sa lungkot.

I was speechless. The cold breeze of the night choked down my lungs, slowly killing a part of me that I knew I would forever grieve for.

Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin at bumalatay sa mukha niya ang gulat at pagsisisi nang makita ang kabuuan ko.

"R-Reese..." He tried to reach for me, but I stepped back. Para siyang natauhan, pero wala na. It was said... it had already taken away my life.

I touched my cheeks and realized... I was crying.

Iyong inipon kong luha sa loob ng napakaraming taon ay para akong nilulunod sa hapdi at kirot na nararamdaman ko ngayon. His words echoed in my head, trying to numb all the drained parts of my soul... but failed. It didn't stop hurting. Ang akala ko noon kapag natuto akong umiyak, kahit papaano ay maiibsan ang sakit, kahit papaano ay gagaan ang bigat... pero hindi. Nagkamali ako. Tangina, nagkamali ako.

I felt restless. I stood there like a hopeless damsel. Tears streamed down my cheeks. My pale hands trembled in despair.

"M-Masaya ka na ba?" napapaos na tanong ko. "Your dream is to see me cry. You want to see me in pain. You want me to suffer. Eto na, oh! Finally! Dream come true!" Humikbi ako. "Bayad na ba ako sa kasalanan ko sa 'yo, ha?! Are you satisfied now?! Nahulog ako sa patibong mo! Ang galing! Iba ka talaga!" I laughed as tears welled up in my eyes.

"Reese..." he pleaded.

"Sinabi ko naman sa 'yo na puwede kang umayaw sa pagiging model ko, 'di ba? Sinabi ko naman sa 'yo na titigilan na kita, 'di ba? Hindi naman na kita na pinilit. Akala ko pa naman, napatawad mo na 'ko... akala ko pa naman, naiintindihan mo na 'ko..." I bit my lower lip to stifle my sobs. "You know how much I love my dreams, and you stripped them away from me."

Sinubukan niyang lumapit sa akin ngunit tinakpan ko na ang mukha ko gamit ang dalawang kamay ko. Tulo pa rin nang tulo ang luha ko.

"I will never... never... forgive you!" I screamed before removing my hands on my face. "I hate you, Harvin Rouge. I hope our paths never cross again!"

After saying that, I turned my back on him. Gumagalaw ang mga balikat ko dahil sa sobrang paghikbi. Nahihirapan na akong huminga at halos hampasin ko na ang dibdib ko para lang makawala sa tanikalang nakabalot sa puso ko.

I came here to Isabela for him. I wanted him to model my designs because I wanted to get closer to him again. I chased him. I showed him how immense my love for him was. I did everything just to be forgiven... just to be loved again. Lahat ng ginagawa ko, gusto ko kasama ko siya... dahil kahit magbago ang kulay ng langit, alam kong mananatili ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya.

At doon ko napagtanto na siya ang pangarap ko.

Hinang-hina akong pumasok sa loob ng hall. Hindi niya ako sinundan o tinawag man lang. Tapos na ang show kaya ang mga tao ay halos naglalabasan na rin. They were giving me puzzled looks, but that was my least concern now.

Nakita ko si Mommy na sinisipat ang backstage para hanapin ako. Hindi niya kasama si Daddy kaya lumapit ako sa kanya at niyakap siya mula sa likod.

"Mommy..." I sobbed.

Humarap siya sa akin, at dahil nakapikit ay hindi ko na nakita ang itsura niya.

"Debs!" she shouted before pulling me into a tight hug. Para akong batang tumangis sa balikat niya. My body was shaking in pain and disappointment. Everything sank into my mind. My designs failed. My father might disown me. The love of my life ripped me open.

"Sheryl! Deborah! Sumunod kayo sa 'kin!" Daddy yelled from afar, his voice dripping with anger.

"Mommy, ayoko po..." pagmamakaawa ko. "Galit 'yan..."

Hindi ko na kayang harapin ang kahit na sino ngayon dahil gusto ko munang magpahinga.

"Shh... ako ang bahala, anak. No one can hurt you, basta nandito ako..." she whispered before holding my hand.

Nanginginig ako habang papalapit kami kay Daddy. Papunta kami sa parking lot kung saan naka-park ang sasakyan niya. I knew my face was pale, but my mother was holding me, trying to calm me down.

Hindi pa man ako tuluyang nakakapasok sa loob ng sasakyan niya ay humarap sa amin si Daddy. Wala pang salitang namumutawi sa pagitan namin ay dumapo na ang palad niya sa pisngi ko.

"Frando!" sigaw ni Mommy.

Napapaling ang mukha ko sa kaliwa. Ramdam ko ang kirot ng sampal niya, ngunit sa dami ng nangyari ngayon sa akin, mas matimbang pa rin ang sakit sa dibdib ko. Tuloy lang ang pag-iyak ko, hindi dahil sa pisikal na paghihinagpis kung hindi dahil sa sunod-sunod na problema.

In just a night, I lost everything I worked hard for.

"Ikinahihiya kita!" my father roared. "Sinabi ko na sa 'yo na 'wag mo nang ipilit 'yang deputang pangarap mo dahil wala ka namang talento!"

I was numb. Come on, break me even more. I was damaged beyond repair anyway.

Hinawakan ni Mommy si Daddy para siguro subukang kalmahin ito, ngunit sa galit ng huli ay pinalis niya lang ang kamay ni Mommy.

"Pinagtatawanan ako sa loob! Sinabi ko pa namang anak kita tapos ipapahiya mo lang ako nang ganoon?!" Inisang hakbang niya ang distansya namin para hawakan ang mukha ko.

I flinched at his tight grip on my face. Sigaw nang sigaw si Mommy habang hinihigit si Daddy palayo sa akin ngunit wala siyang magawa.

"Uuwi ka ng Cebu at ititigil mo na 'tong kahibangan mo!" mariing saad ni Daddy.

"M-Malapit na ang graduation..." I whispered.

It was like a trigger for him. Binitawan niya ako at muling sinampal, dahilan para magdugo ang gilid ng labi ko. Narinig ko ang pagtangis ni Mommy pero gaya ko, wala kaming laban kay Daddy.

It was hard. Namamaga na ang mata ko kaiiyak pero hindi sapat ang luha ko para pigilan siya.

"Nakakahiya! Kahit binayaran ko ang media, walang nangyari at kinailangan nilang i-focus sa iba ang camera dahil sa katangahan mo!"

Wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang pakinggan lahat ng sasabihin niya. Wala na akong lakas para sumagot dahil ubos na ubos na ako. Gusto ko na lang magpahinga at kunin ang puso ko para tumigil na ito sa pagtibok. Every pound was painful and suffocating.

Ni hindi ako hinayaan ni Daddy na kunin ang gamit ko sa villa dahil dumiretso kami sa airport para tumulak patungong Cebu. He confiscated my phone and froze all my cards. I was left with nothing. Habang nasa biyahe ay inaalo lang ako ni Mommy ngunit wala nang pumapasok sa utak ko dahil masyado na akong pagod.

Lumipas ang mga araw na nakatulala lang ako sa bintana ng kwarto ko, ni hindi ako makakain. May mga oras din na tulog ako nang tulog at minsan naman ay hindi ako makapikit. I was grounded. My father locked me up in my room, giving me more time to think of the horrible things that happened.

Si Mommy lang ang nakakapasok sa kwarto ko kapag wala si Daddy. She was crying every time she would see me kaya minsan ay pinaaalis ko na lang siya. I didn't want anyone to pity me. Sigurado rin akong nag-aalala na sa akin ang mga kaibigan ko dahil umalis ako nang walang paalam.

Dumating ang araw ng graduation namin pero nanatli akong nakakulong sa apat na sulok ng kwarto ko, hinahayaang tangayin ng tadhana ang pangarap na matagal kong binuo para sa sarili.

"We can escape, anak," my mother told me when she entered my room.

Alam kong sinabi niya lang iyon para pagaanin ang loob ko dahil alam namin pareho na hindi posible iyon. It would anger my father more. Ayoko namang madamay si Mommy sa galit niya. Araw-araw ay ipinaalala sa akin ni Daddy kung gaano kalaki ang kahihiyan na dinala ko sa pamilya namin.

He said that I should've chosen better models because my designs were hideous.

"At ano'ng mangyayari pagkatapos, mommy? May tres ako. Hindi na ako tatanggapin sa Italy. Mahihirapan na akong mag-apply ng trabaho," pabulong na tanong ko. "Tama kasi si Daddy. Hindi naman ako magaling."

Tinabihan niya ako. Parehas kaming nakaupo sa gilid ng kama ngunit ang atensyon ko ay nasa kamay ko lang. Doon ko napagtanto na marami pala akong sugat doon dahil sa minsanang pagkatusok ko sa karayom.

"Ayokong maririnig 'yan sa 'yo, Deborah. You're my daughter and you will always be good enough for me," masuyong saad ni Mommy. "If the people around you can't see that, kahit ang Daddy mo pa, then they're the ones who are not good enough for you." She reached for my hand and squeezed it. "It's not your fault that they failed to see the beauty and talent you have..."

"You impact people," dagdag niya pa. "Your friends are calling me. They're worried sick, but I assured them that you're doing well. Miss ka na raw nila at hindi nila magawang magsaya habang iniisip ang kalagayan mo."

Tears pooled my eyes. Hinawakan ni Mommy ang ulo ko at pinahilig sa balikat niya.

"And me... you had a massive impact on my life, hija. You're my favorite designer not only because you're talented... but also because you put your heart and soul into everything you do... and that's beyond beautiful."

I wouldn't survive the hardest days of my life without my mother. Halos hindi na siya pumapasok sa trabaho niya sa plantation namin para lang tingnan at alagaan ako. For the past weeks, my father's treatment didn't get better. He grew cold and distant. Para bang ayaw niya na talaga sa akin.

Kahit nang manalo si Kuya Uno bilang gobernador, hindi nila ako pinababa o pinasama manlang sa pagdiriwang. Gusto ko rin naman iyon. Wala akong lakas ng loob para makihalubilo sa kanila. Si Mommy at ang ilang helpers lang namin ang talagang nagdadala sa akin ng pagkain. At some point, I wanted to visit Abuelo, but I knew I couldn't escape from this hell.

I wasn't getting any better. Parang siklo lang ang buhay ko, paikot-ikot. Gigising akong punong-puno ng pagsisisi at tutulog nang luhaan. I was becoming more and more emotional, as if my hormones were telling me to cry a river.

Until one day, I woke up feeling nauseous. Mabilis akong tumakbo sa banyo at halos yakapin ko ang toilet kasusuka. I couldn't remember eating something unusual.

"Debs, ano'ng nangyayari?" nag-aalalang sigaw ni Mommy nang daluhan niya ako.

Hinang-hina ako nang matapos sumuka. A string of unwanted thoughts overwhelmed my system. Alam kong nararamdaman din iyon ni Mommy. I wasn't sick. Wala akong lagnat. I was perfectly healthy.

And so, as I had expected, it wasn't long before she bought me three pregnancy test kits.

"No..." I shook my head and cried.

Hindi puwede... ayoko. Ayoko pa rin. Hindi pa rin ako handa. Hindi ko pa rin kaya. Not now. Not when everything was messed up. I couldn't raise a child in my condition.

Niyakap ako ni Mommy. "I will be with you. Hindi ka mag-isa, anak. We can do this..."

Pinilit niya akong pumasok sa banyo ay nanginginig ako habang hinihintay ang resulta nito. I was praying for a single red line. Please, I don't want to be a mother yet. Iba na ang lagay ko ngayon. I couldn't bear a child in my state. Please.

But the heavens had another plan in store for me.

For the second time, I was pregnant.

And for the second time, I still wanted to abort it.