Barbara

I started learning mixed martial arts when I turned sixteen. I was smaller than girls in my age group, but I promised herself I'd never be helpless again.

At first, the skin contact with other people made me break into a cold sweat. But my teacher had been a persistent woman.

After two years, I could finally finish a class without going into a full blown panic attack. MMA had managed to cure me of my touch aversion after four years.

I moved with measured strength, my jabs and right hooks making drops of sweat splatter on the sandbag and mat beneath my feet. My phone dinged in the background, but I ignored it as I'd done for the last couple of days.

After a few minutes, I lowered my arms. Breathing heavy, I checked the phone on the table. Yep. It was Ryan.

The first message had been an apology one day after our latest meeting. I had replied to that with a short 'no need for an apology.'

Then came the next message, where he asked for another date. I did not reply to that message, nor to the other two following. Thinking about Ryan's words that day made me angry in a way I hadn't been for a long time.

I picked up the water bottle and headed to the french doors. The room in the back of my house was a small gym. Part of the ground was covered with black gym mats, a treadmill and a few weights occupied one side, and a sandbag hung near the french doors opening on the beach.

Pepper strolled into the room. In an unusual display of affection, the cat rubbed her length against my legs, then went out the french doors to sit on the back porch next to Pirate. I pulled on my hoodie and went outside. Sitting next to Pepper on the stairs, I leaned my head against the railing and let out a deep breath.

If something frustrated me, a session with my sandbag usually cured me. But it had been days since Ryan had spouted that nonsense and I was still pissed off.

A coward? How dare he? He had no idea what I'd been through.

And why was I pissed off anyway? He shouldn't have the power to affect me.

I rubbed my hand over Pepper's gray coat. The cat purred, the familiar vibration bringing a measure of calm. Minutes later, Pie came out meowing. She was looking for us. She hated being alone.

The three legged cat edged herself between me and Pepper.

"Stop kidding yourself," I mumbled to myself. I knew exactly why I was angry at Ryan. His words had hit a nerve, because it was the truth.

A truth I'd known for years. The fact that it was spoken out loud only drove it home.

I was a coward.

Eleanor- sweet, joyful Eleanor- was a hundred times stronger than me. Because where I had closed myself to the world after being beaten to the ground, Eleanor had had the courage to open up and find joy. Eleanor opened her heart to the risk of being hurt again while I shied away from living.

I pushed my sleeves up and stared at the marred skin of my forearms. The scars were part of the collection my mother had left all over my body. That bitch just had to leave a reminder for me.

Yes. I knew I was a coward. But that didn't make me any less pissed off at Ryan. An unreasonable emotion.

*** **** ***

There was a bouquet of flowers on my desk.

I blinked. But the bouquet didn't disappear. The bright colors stood out in the bland white of my office. I approached the desk and touched the red tipped yellow petals. Nope. The bouquet wasn't a fragment of my imagination.

Alright. How did a giant bouquet of red tipped yellow roses find its way to my office while I'd been out on a business meeting?

I pushed the call button on my landline. "Amanda, a minute please."

Amanda came in. There was a smile in her eyes. Aha. Through the glass wall, the staff members seemed fascinated by this turn of events. I looked at them, and everyone suddenly looked busy doing something.

"There is a bouquet of roses on my desk," I told Amanda.

"Yes. A rather large bouquet." Amanda coughed and pointed to the bouquet. "It came in while you were out. There's a card."

Sure enough, there was a small card tucked in the mass of roses. I picked it up. The roses smelled divine.

I'm sorry.

-R.D

I read the note again, then put it face down on the desk. I couldn't resist running my finger over the gossamer petals. My heart quickened.

It was absolutely ridiculous. He did not need to send a thousand roses to apologize. It was a waste of money and good roses.

I picked up a rose and put it on the note. Sitting down behind my desk, I pulled out my checkbook and wrote a check. I handed it to Amanda then pointed at the bouquet. "Have someone take this away."

"Where to?"

"The hospital."

"Very well," Amanda nodded and moved to pick up the bouquet.

"Wait," I said, plucking another rose from the mass. They were just too beautiful. "You can go, now."

Amanda heaved the bouquet with a grunt.

I found a vase for the two roses and set them in, then put the note in a drawer where I kept my personal things.

My phone rang. Ryan. He'd never called me, always communicating through texts. I considered not answering, but that was petty. Besides, my anger had mellowed out. It was kind of irritating that a bouquet of roses could get me over my anger, no matter how unreasonable the emotion was in the first place.

I cleared her throat and answered. "Yes?"

"Did you get the bouquet?" he asked. My heart skittered upon hearing his voice again. It sounded deeper through the phone.

"Yes," I replied. "I got the bouquet."

"Did you like it?"

"Why did you send it?"

"I realized how entitled I sounded seconds after the words left my mouth. I have no right to judge you, no say in how you should live your life. I just..." He sighed, "I just want to know you. I'm sorry."

I tapped my fingers on the desk. Taking a leap of faith, he had called it. I never thought of relationships that way. Over the past few days, I came to the realization that Ryan's words were true. That was why they made me mad. I was a coward. But...

"I'm a little too old to change, Ryan," I said, fighting the urge to quickly accept his apology and hang up.

Silence. Then, "are you?"

Turning my chair around, I stared at the city below. People looked like meaningless, infinitesimal ants from such a distance.

Ryan cleared his throat. "So... are you still mad at me?"

I was about to lie and say I was never mad at him. Because admitting he had the ability to hurt me was a show of weakness. But I hated lying, and I wasn't that mad at him any longer, so I stayed quiet.

"Okay," he said, "how about lunch?"

"Tomorrow?"

"Yes."

"Alright," I said.

"Alright." There was a smile in his voice. "I'll pick you up."

He hung up before I could protest. I stared at the two roses. They were so pretty. Grandmother and Eleanor had given me flowers at my graduation. Other than them, no one had ever done so.

I touched the petals again, then pulled out my phone and looked up ways to keep the roses alive as long as possible.

***

My good mood did not last to the next day. I was about to leave for my lunch date, my stomach fluttering, and not from hunger, when a familiar brown haired man barged into my office. Amanda hurried behind him.

"It's okay, Amanda," I said. My assistant shot a disapproving look at the uninvited guest and left us alone.

"Billy, what do you want?"

My half brother turned in place, making a show of scanning everything in my office. I clasped my hands on the desk and stared calmly.

Billy hated my guts.

I did not know what I did to incur his animosity. I hadn't met Billy until I was sixteen. By then, I had finished going through the behavioral programs and counselling sessions the court had sentenced me to and was living with Grandmother Agnes.

Our father brought Billy and Billy's mother to have dinner with Grandmother every other week. It was a family tradition that I joined. At first, Billy was just a noisy, spoiled brat who didn't miss the chance to make faces at me whenever he could.

As we grew older, his hostility took more serious turns. Like ripping up my books or tripping me down the stairs. It lasted until I was a few years into my MMA training.

After he tried to push me into the pool, I defended myself and broke his wrist. Needless to say, his mother was about ready to kill me herself if not for the intervention of Grandmother Agnes.

Ever since then, Billy kept his distance.

"Damn, even your office doesn't disappoint," Billy said, lounging on the chair and putting his feet on my desk. He gave the flowers a weird look but didn't comment. I stared at the soles of his shoes and blinked slowly. This spoiled asshole.

"Get your feet off my desk, Billy," I said.

"Or what?"

"You chose," I said. "Either I'll call security to get rid of you, or I will do it myself."

An ugly sneer twisted his lips. "I'm not that sixteen year old boy anymore."

"You're only a little taller and heavier," I said. "And your mental abilities haven't grown past those of a ten year old child, so don't flatter yourself."

"Smart-ass bitch," he said, but lowered his feet. "I'm here to talk business."

I could not be more surprised. Billy did not work, per se. A few years ago, he opened a nightclub with a couple of his friends. A managing team did all the work, and one of his friends was the actual boss.

That was besides his fat trust fund.

Other than that, however, he did not have a day job.

"I'm listening," I told him.

Billy did not beat around the bush. "Quit the CEO position."

I glanced at my watch. "If you're only going to waste my time with stupid jokes, I'll leave. I have an appointment."

"It's not a joke," he straightened in his seat. "I want the CEO position. You've done enough for the company. You can quit now."

I wanted to face palm.

"Billy. I have no idea what you're talking about. I've been running this company for years. I saved it from dying. Why in the world would I quit my position because you want to be a CEO to impress girls?"

He frowned. "You only took the position because Grandma made you."

"I took it because I wanted to," I said.

Grandmother didn't want to see the company where her husband started his fortune die off. OG Foods had once been the heart of OG inc. My grandmother had been too old to run the company, so she convinced the board of directors to give me a chance.

At the time, I had been working as the head of marketing in another company. But because Agnes asked, I left my job and took a chance on the company my grandmother loved. It was also a challenge. And I had succeeded.

"Whatever," Billy said. "The board of directors' meeting is coming up. You should quit then."

I shook my head. "Get out, Billy."

He gave me a smile that raised the hairs on the back of my neck. "Don't say I didn't warn you, sis," he said and rose.

I watched him leave, only now noticing the man standing by Amanda's desk. Ryan looked good in a light brown knit sweater under a hooded parka. Billy looked surprised to see him. Through the glass, my half brother glanced at me with a raised brow before shaking Ryan's hand.

Billy left after exchanging a few words with my date. By then, I had put on my coat and joined him.

"Shall we go?" Ryan asked. I nodded, aware of other people's gazes on us.

Billy's visit left a bad taste in my mouth. I was quiet during the elevator ride down.

Billy's words had come out of nowhere. Why would he suddenly be interested in the CEO position? Maybe it was really to impress girls?

But he'd never been interested in anything company related, despite his mother's urging. Our father simply left him to do as he pleased. Graham, our father, cared about very few things in life, his son wasn't very high on that list, and I wasn't even part of it.

The board of directors would meet up in a few weeks time. So far, there had been no hint that my services would no longer be needed.

I liked my job well enough. It was challenging and made me a decent amount of money. Even without, I would be well settled for life thanks to my trust fund and investment portfolio.

But I also liked it because it was something my grandmother left me with. The thought that someone would take it away pissed me off.

"Is everything alright?" Ryan asked. I realized we were outside, standing next to a black SUV. Ryan was holding the door open for me.

"Sorry, I blanked out," I said, feeling embarrassed. Ryan gave a small smile.

I missed him.

I cleared my throat and went inside.

"Your relationship with your brother isn't the best, is it?" he asked as soon as the car rolled on.

I stared at his profile. He still had a small smile on his face. "The flowers you sent yesterday don't cover rude questions."

He burst out laughing. It warmed my heart, the uninhibited sound. "Ah, I see. Do I have to send another bouquet for that?"

I shook my head. He was truly relentless. I'd expected him to walk on eggshells around me after the way I took his words the other day. The fact that he was acting like his usual unapologetically curious self reassured me. He did not treat me like a delicate, wilting flower.

Maybe that was why I responded. "Billy and I have a complicated relationship. He's not my biggest fan."

"Because of your mother?" he asked.

I looked out the window and shook my head. "I don't really know."

Right then, snow began falling down. Ryan grinned. "It's your season, huh?"

I was not amused. I might be used to my nickname, but that didn't mean I had to like it. "I've heard it before."

"I bet." Ryan hummed. "So, what did your brother say that made your hackles rise."

I looked sharply at him. "What do you mean?"

"I think you're angry," he said, still smiling.

He was right. "And that amuses you?"

"Oh, no. Don't get me wrong," he said. "I'm smiling because I can finally read you a little bit."

His words should've made me take a cautious step back and hide my emotions behind the Ice Queen mask. But I was too tired to even try.

Fortunately, Ryan did not say another word until we reached our destination. Our usual small café was decorated with garland lights, and a small christmas tree was set up in the center.

"Winter break is coming up," he said as we took our seats, "Jeremy and I will be looking for a pet then. I was wondering if you could send me a few good places to adopt from?"

I nodded. "I'll send you a list, with their contact information and addresses. You should find what you're looking for there."

Animals were close to my heart. If I could have a hand in one of them finding a home this winter, I would be grateful.

Maybe with this, I'd finally be able to atone for the sins of the past.