Ryan

"What is it?" I asked, closing the door to Jordan's study behind me. The gray weather outside the window cast gloomy shadows on the hardwood interior.

Not taking a seat, Jordan passed me his phone. "Jenny found this earlier when she was scrolling through social media."

I watched the video. My heart dropped to my knees. I plopped down on the couch as the video replayed.

"How long has this been going around?" I asked, my voice coming out rough.

"A few days now," Jordan said, walking to sit behind his desk. I stared at nothing, the phone limp in my hand.

"I knew you were joking then," Jordan continued, his expression apologetic. "But not everyone knows you as well as I do."

I cursed, gripping the back of my head, my thoughts a mess.

"At first, I didn't understand why people would watch the video. Sure, you're a little famous because of Miranda, but only people in the business circle know Barbara. The general public doesn't really care."

"There have been a few articles about us, weeks ago," I said, closing my eyes. "But like you said, people don't really know of her."

"Jenny told me that since Miranda was back in New York, people have been speculating," Jordan said. "Her fans and whatnot dug up your relationship with Barbara and everything known about her. I think she'll be a notorious figure for a few weeks to come."

"She must've seen the video," I said, speaking mostly to myself. "That's why she decided to break things up."

Jordan raised his brow. "I thought you two weren't actually dating."

"We weren't," I said. "But there was something there... I was just waiting for the right time... I wanted to get the situation with Miranda and Jeremy under control before committing to Barbara and..."

And everything just sounded like excuses.

"And now Miranda wants you back."

"Damn it." I rose and paced the office, my shoes clicking on the hardwood floor.

"Ryan, man, what the fuck are you doing?"

I stopped and glared at Jordan. "What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean. What are you doing with Miranda? Are you seriously going to get back with her?"

"I don't know," I said.

"Even though you're head over heels for Barbara?"

"I'm not," I said, anger coloring my tone.

Jordan simply stared at me. I paced some more. Jordan knew me, probably better than I knew myself. And I knew he was right.

I threw up my hands. "What do you want me to do? Jeremy wants his mother back."

Jordan sighed. "Jeremy can have his mother, and you can have Barbara. It doesn't have to be one way or the other."

My laugh held no humor. "Do you think Barbara will be fine with Miranda living with us?"

"She'll be living with you?"

I rubbed my face. "Look, Barbara is a great woman, she's been through a lot already. I don't want to drag her into my mess of a life. It's better that we stopped things now."

"Do you really believe that?"

No. No I didn't believe that. I may not be in love with Barbara now, but I was on the way there. It was better to retreat early.

I was such a coward.

I'd told Barbara that relationships were a leap of faith, yet I couldn't trust that what I had to offer would be enough for her. I would always put Jeremy first. And if it meant living with Miranda...

I knew what it was like to have your parents absent in your childhood. I had been raised by my grandparents, and as much as they'd adored me, I had still felt the lack. I'd felt insignificant. An afterthought. An obstacle to my parents' success. Someone they had simply because society expected them to.

I had not been important to my parents. But Jeremy was my very heart and soul. I would never make my son feel the lack of a parent. I wanted him to know he was loved by both parents, that both of us would be there for him.

Yet my heart yearned for Barbara. I did not know if I could put Jeremy's wishes first this time. I did not know whether I could give Miranda another chance. But if I didn't, I might regret it. Or would I?

"I need to talk to her about this," I said, moving to the door.

I did not want her to think I didn't want her. Whether it mattered in the end or not, I did not want her to believe she was anything less than the amazing person she was.

I ran down the stairs. Miranda was standing next to Jenny across the island from Barbara, sipping from a glass of wine. Jenny seemed to be carrying the conversation. It was impossible to be awkward around Jenny.

"Hey, babe. Is everything okay?" Miranda said, but I was looking at Barbara.

"Barbara, can I have a word with you?"

I could tell she was surprised. Slowly, she put her mug down and stood up. "Of course."

"Ryan, there's something I want to talk to you about though," Miranda said, looking between the two of us. Barbara froze.

"Later," I said. Walking past Barbara, I nodded my head to the terrace. She followed me.

Jeremy and Lia were playing with the two dogs on one side of the terrace. I led her to the glass wall. Barbara crossed her arms and looked outside. Her clear eyes looked darker under the clouded sky. Someone reached inside my chest and squeezed my heart.

I went straight to the point. "You saw the video."

She blinked, snapping her gaze to meet mine. To her credit, she didn't pretend not to know my point. "If you're referring to the clandestine video of you and Jordan chatting, then yes, I've seen it."

"It's a misunderstanding-"

"You don't have to justify yourself to me-"

"No. Please, listen," I said, keeping my voice low to not reach the kids. "I need you to understand. The video was taken right after our very first date. I didn't know you back then."

I wanted to tell her that I'd simply been joking. But that wasn't entirely true. Back then, I had truly believed I couldn't see her as anything but a possible friend. I hadn't known how kind and gentle and warm she was.

"I see," she said, a slight frown between her eyebrows. My heart skittered at the tiny display of emotion. She had been so icy that I worried she was shutting me out.

And who could blame her if she did?

But then she shook her head and said, "I appreciate you taking the time to tell me."

She was speaking to me like I was a mere acquaintance, and it hurt. But I had no right to hurt feelings.

"Do you believe me?" I asked.

"Yes," she said. "The video was taken before we knew each other. I believe you."

"That's not what I'm trying to tell you."

"What are you trying to tell me, then?"

"That what I said back then doesn't apply any longer," I said.

"Does it matter, Ryan?" she asked. "You made your feelings very clear a few days ago. What you think about me doesn't make a difference."

I opened my mouth to tell her... what? That it did make a difference? That I would be lucky to have her in my life?

"Dad! Dad, look!" Jeremy's call pushed the words back down my throat. I glanced at my son who was standing in front of his dog. Lady was rolling over on the floor. My son's eyes were wide and bright. "I taught her a trick! She learned to roll over. See, Barbara?!"

Barbara's expression softened when she looked at Jeremy. She walked towards the kids, I followed her.

"That's amazing. How did you do it?" Barbara asked, crouching down to pet the two dogs who were becoming friends, it seemed.

I rubbed my face. I was making a mess out of my life because of my indecisiveness.

Never before had I felt this torn. Even when I'd made the decision to divorce Miranda, my mind had been clear that it was the best course of action for Jeremy's wellbeing.

Now, I did not trust myself to judge the situation properly. My feelings for Barbara muddied my thoughts.

All too soon, and before I could pull Barbara aside so we could talk some more, lunch was ready.

We sat around the dining table, Miranda and Jeremy on either side of me, and Barbara across the table from me, next to Lia and Jenny.

"So, Barbara. You're a CEO, right?" Miranda said when there was a lull in the conversation.

"Yes."

"So you must be pretty busy," Miranda said. "It must be difficult to find a boyfriend, then."

Barbara blinked at Miranda, slowly. I had the urge to slap tape on Miranda's mouth.

"Time isn't the issue," Barbara finally said, her voice even. "Finding decent men is the real challenge."

My left eye might have twitched. Jenny giggled, then cleared her throat. "I do agree, Barbara. Decent men are a rare commodity these days."

"And why are you interested in decent men, my dear wife?" Jordan asked. "You already have one at home."

"Oh, I do have a man," Jenny replied. "I don't know about the decent part."

Jenny's comment brightened the atmosphere. Even Barbara cracked a small smile.

I chuckled. "Yeah, Jordan, better watch out for yourself before Jenny decides to look for someone else."

Jordan rolled his eyes, discreetly flipping me off.

"You know," Miranda spoke again, swirling the red liquid in her glass. "I could introduce you to someone if you want. I know a lot of people, and you're pretty easy on the eyes, so I'm sure they'll be interested. Even if you don't have the most cheerful personality."

My fork paused midair. I stared at Miranda. Had she just said that?

The shocked silence did not last long. Barbara blinked at Miranda, managing to look down at her even though they were both sitting. "Then I'm afraid our standard for men is very different, but thank you for the offer."

Miranda's smile sharpened.

"Well," Jenny jumped in to save the day, "I'm sure Barbara doesn't want her love life to be the center of discussion, right? Miranda, why don't you tell us about that trip you took to Greece last summer?"

Thanks to Jenny's active participation, the topic didn't drift to Barbara again. I, however, was fuming. At Miranda, but mostly at myself. I was responsible for how things turned out. Despite her expressionless face, I could tell Barbara was hurt.

And I was the reason.

*** ***

Three days later, Miranda went to L.A. in order to get things ready for her move. She would be in New York in three weeks, if everything went smoothly.

I was still lost. There was, however, a resemblance of clarity and order in my head now that Miranda was no longer breathing down my neck.

I hadn't even realized the effect she had on me, but the distance gave me a chance to step back and look at everything that happened lately with a critical eye.

I had spent the majority of my time in my studio. The smell of wood, the sound and motions of woodworking gave my mind some rest and allowed me to think. For the first time in so long, I finally felt like my brain was no longer in chaos.

"Miranda wants to get back together," I said to Jordan one morning. He already knew. But I needed to put my thoughts into words and hear his input.

We were sitting on a bench in the park. Jeremy and Lia played with Lady nearby. Jeremy's hair glinted a blue black in the daylight. It was getting too long over his eyes. I should convince him to give it a slight trim.

"I think we have that figured out already," Jordan said. "Even if you haven't told me, it would've been difficult to miss it with all the hints Miranda has been dropping in our conversations."

I sighed and looked up. Gray clouded the sky. It would snow later in the day.

"I have doubts about her motivation for moving to New York." When Jordan kept his peace, I continued, "it happened a lot when we were married. I hadn't realized it at the time, only after the divorce and after I spent some time away from her did I realize."

"Realize what?"

"She's good at manipulating me," I said. "As much as it's a blow to my ego, I have to admit it."

I lowered my gaze to Jordan. He rubbed his eyes. "You know, Jenny told me something like that once. Women can pick up those things better than us," he said. "I thought that maybe she was reading too much into it."

"What did she say?"

"That Miranda is using Jeremy as leverage to get what she wants from you."

I sighed again and tucked my hands in my pockets. But no matter how many times I blew out a breath, I couldn't dislodge the tightness in my chest. I knew why it was there, but I wasn't ready to see Barbara until I had my mind screwed up straight. She deserved as much.

"That doesn't mean she doesn't care about Jeremy," Jordan added.

"Doesn't it?" I asked, looking at where Jeremy was throwing a ball over Lady's head to Lia. The children's laughter washed away the hold of dark desperation. "What should I do, Jordan?"

"You're Jeremy's father," Jordan said. "That means you have a responsibility to see to his well being. Is having Miranda and you together really good for him?"

"We're his parents," I said on autopilot.

"And?" Jordan asked. "Just because she's Jeremy's mom, doesn't mean she'd make a good partner for you. You guys divorced for a reason. Even before the drugs, anyone close to you could see you two wouldn't have lasted for long."

"Thanks," I grumbled.

Jordan chuckled. "Look, I'm your friend. Do I want you to get back with Miranda? Hell, no. But that's not my decision to make. It's yours.

"But keep in mind that just because she's not going to be in your life as a partner, doesn't mean she can't be in Jeremy's life as a mother. She's moving to New York. It's going to be easier for them to spend time together."

I stayed quiet. Chewing on my best friend's words.

Jordan was right. Miranda was moving here. I could find her an apartment near my house. Jeremy could spend time with both parents whenever he wanted to.

Also, I was not sure I could stand living with Miranda again. When she left for L.A. it was like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I felt better, lighter. I no longer dreaded coming back home or seeing her name flashing on my phone. Did I really want to live the rest of my life in that constant state of unease?

It would affect me again, as it did during our marriage.

I realized then, I used to hear about manipulative relationships and arrogantly think that I would never be in such a situation. Yet here I was.

I also realized that I had been blaming my feelings for Barbara for not being able to make a logical decision, when in reality, my feelings for her were the only logical thing in my life right now.

After the children tired themselves out, Jordan and I parted ways. I drove to my mother's house, where we would have dinner.

I glanced at my son's reflection in the rearview mirror.

"Jeremy?" I said. "How do you feel about your mom coming to New York?"

The boy grinned. "I love it."

I considered my next words. Stifling the guilt, I said, "she might not live with us."

Jeremy was quiet for two seconds before he asked, "why?"

"Because..." I said. "Your mom and I are not in a relationship. And living together is going to be difficult for me."

"Cuz you don't really like her."

I sputtered. "W-who... who told you that?"

"Grandma," Jeremy replied. "When I asked her why you and mom don't live together like aunt Jenny and uncle Jordan."

"What did she say, exactly?" I asked, angry at my mother.

"She said that sometimes adults don't get along," Jeremy replied. "And so they can't live together."

My anger fizzed out. So she hadn't actually told him I didn't like Miranda.

Jeremy continued, "kind of like I don't like Diana. She's Mia's friend, and I don't like her much. But I have to be nice to her, and since Lia likes her I have to spend time with them both."

I chuckled. That was one way to put things into perspective.

"Well, I wouldn't say I don't like your mother," I said. "We just don't get along, that's all. So you see, she won't be living with us. Do you mind that?"

He was quiet for a while. "It's okay. I still get to see her," Jeremy said, petting Lady's head on his lap. "Because she's moving nearby, right?"

"Yes, you'll get to sleep over at her place, too," I said, a huge sense of relief flooding me at my son's ready acceptance of what I'd thought would be a major disappointment.

It just goes to show that adults cannot know what children are thinking.

There I was, expecting my son would be heartbroken over the fact his parents wouldn't be living together, when Jeremy did not truly care about it as much.

I laughed, shaking my head.

"What's funny?" Jeremy asked.

"Nothing. I just found out I can be stupid sometimes."

Jeremy giggled. "That's silly."

After a few moments of silence, Jeremy asked. "Dad? Can we go see Barbara?"

Her name made my heart clench. "You wanna see her?"

"Yeah. Pirate and Lady can play together," Jeremy said, leaning forward. "I also want to see her cats. Can we go see her in her house?"

I blew out a deep breath, turning the car into my mother's driveway. "We should ask first."

"She'll say yes," Jeremy said with certainty.

I wished I could be as certain. Barbara would probably rather not see my face anytime soon. I couldn't really blame her. I could barely look at my own reflection in the mirror without wanting to punch it these days.

I'd made a blunder of my relationship with her. If I could turn back time...

I shook my head. There was no use in dwelling over it. I would, however, make sure to amend Barbara's faith in me.

I wasn't ready to lose her yet. I doubted I ever would.