Barbara

Christmas day had passed.

I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom, dotted with star-shaped nightlights. The sun had risen hours ago, but I didn't want to get up.

The day before had gone by just like any other day. I spent half of it in my home gym and kept busy in order to forget it was christmas. At least, that was what I told myself. But the truth was, I wanted to distract myself from my own thoughts and my last encounter with Ryan.

I was trying my best to ignore my breaking heart.

Eleanor called me. I had somehow deflected all questions about Ryan, but I couldn't lie to her when she asked where I was spending christmas. Tearful, Eleanor wished she was here with me and threatened to get on the first plane to New York.

"Don't be silly, Eleanor," I said. "I'm just fine with the babies. You spend your Christmas with John's family and have fun, otherwise I'm going to be very upset that you ruined your first Christmas with them."

"But you're alone on christmas day!"

I chuckled, the sound hopefully did not sound as dead to Eleanor as it did to my own ears. "If you know me, then you know I like my solitude, thank you very much. Now tell me, are they being good to you? I know you didn't get along well with John's mother the last time you guys met."

"You're changing the subject," Eleanor protested.

"Exactly. Because I don't want to hear you cry on christmas day. This is just going to ruin my mood if you keep at it."

She huffed. "Fine. And my future mother in law is... well, let's just say that I'm not the only daughter in law she has a problem with. John's older brother's wife gets on her nerves more than I do." A teary chuckle that held genuine amusement. "Actually, I think everyone just enjoys watching them go back and forth, it's kind of like watching a drama. Other than that, I'm having a blast, John's sister and cousins are so much fun!"

And she told me about their trip downtown and all the food they had. Everyone kept asking her about the wedding, which was only weeks away. Eleanor and John's wedding would be held in New York, and his family would fly over.

Eleanor had fun on Christmas, and that was everything I would ask for this year.

I went on a long walk on the beach with Pirate. The dog loved all the time I was spending with them at home these days. I wished I could spend the rest of my days like this, buried in my own little world with no people.

The tears came only at night. When I was in my bed and the world was silent. My heart was ripped open all over again and Ryan's words and silence ate at it like vicious vultures.

I did not want to think that the Ryan I came to know was a lie, a pretense. That he actually thought I was an ice cold woman. That I was someone he could not come to love.

I had opened myself to him. I had gone all the way and risked my pride and heart by admitting I was falling in love with him. I did not want to have any regrets. I wanted a clean break.

And I got it.

I had closed the door on him, wishing he would call for me, wishing he would knock and tell me it was a joke. But the sound of his car leaving drummed the last nail on the coffin of my hopes and left me trying to hold together the mush of my heart with trembling fingers.

Now, three days later, I sat up in bed and took the time to fix all the cracks on my cold mask. I had a party to attend.

I did not want to face Ryan. My pride was still beaten up and bloody. But I'd made a promise to two little children, and Barbara Owens kept her promises.

The glass wall of my bedroom overlooked the ocean. The sight of the waves and the sand anchored me.

I still had so many things to be grateful for. The little girl who had had to live chained and dirty and hungry, now had a house of her own and food in the kitchen. She could afford to buy anything she wanted. She had three beautiful souls to care for and a sister who loved her.

I was more fortunate than countless people.

So what if a man I came to love did not think of me as a woman he'd have by his side? So what if I was all alone on christmas day? I didn't need anyone else and I was grateful for my life.

Now if I could just believe it.

Taking a shower, I dressed for the day. As usual, Pie and Pepper were waiting for me on my bed. They followed as I went downstairs. I let Pirate out while preparing their breakfast. The two cats sat at my feet until I gave them their food and pets. Minutes later, Pirate joined them, his big body bumping against my leg.

I had my breakfast on the island, forcing down what I needed to function. It didn't taste as good as it should.

In the middle of my meal, Pepper jumped on my lap. Purring, the cat kneaded my thighs for a few seconds before settling down. Pepper was usually aloof, but oddly perceptive. The older cat always seemed to know when my mood was down.

"Well, thank you, your highness," I told Pepper, scratching her neck. "I appreciate your support."

Pepper whirred and tilted her head up so I could properly scratch under her chin. I smiled and obliged.

Yes. I would be just fine.

*** *** ***

I decided I would only bring the children's gifts. I didn't owe Ryan Davies anything, and the gift was too close to my heart.

I did not want to revisit my emotions towards him, did want to offer him another glimpse into my heart. I had lowered my guards around him once and it had ended up a bleeding mess. I would not make the same mistake again.

But Jeremy and Lia, Jordan's daughter, were just children. They deserved christmas gifts.

It didn't take me long to find Jordan's house. I remembered it from when we'd picked up Jeremy that stormy night.

I shook off the memories and stepped out of my car. Letting out Pirate, I smoothed down the black coat I'd put on over my gray wool dress and black leggings, picked up the gift bags from the trunk and held Pirate's leash.

My heart beat faster. My intake of breath was jerky, but I quickly got myself under control.

I had survived monsters when I was just a child. Surviving Ryan one afternoon was child's play.

The door to the townhouse opened almost two seconds after I knocked. It was Jordan and a small girl, Jeremy's age, with sleek pigtails, alabaster skin and cat like eyes.

"Dad! She came, she came!" the girl cried, her wide eyes went to Pirate. "Jeremy!"

I took out the invitation from the pocket of my coat and held it out to the little girl. "I was invited here by a certain Lia and Jeremy. Am I at the right address?"

The girl giggled and nodded, her hair dancing in the air. "Yeah!" She took the invitation and disappeared inside.

"Come in, Barbara," Jordan said. "It's cold outside."

"Thank you. I hope I'm not imposing."

"Nonsense!" Jordan said, closing the door behind me. "The kids were disappointed when Ryan said you might not come."

I didn't let the sting show on my face. "I made a promise. I keep my promises."

Jeremy and Lia came running down the hall.

"Barbara! You brought Pirate!" Jeremy said, heading straight for me. He hugged my legs and looked up. Seeing the smile on his face was worth it.

"I brought Pirate. Maybe I should just leave," I said. "You want to see Pirate more than me."

"No! That's not true! I missed you too," he said, and my heart mended a little. "I want to show you Lady. Is Pirate going to be okay with her?"

"We'll see about that."

Jordan took my coat. I crouched down and pointed a finger at Pirate. He was sitting patiently next to me.

"Pirate, be gentle, okay?" she said, patting his head once. He gave me a canine grin.

"Can I touch him? Can I?" Lia asked, standing next to Jeremy. "He's so huge!"

"Sure," I said.

Lia passed a cautious hand over Pirate's neck. She giggled, snatching her hand back. "He's soft!"

Jordan chuckled. "Alright, at least let the poor woman get inside."

I followed Jordan inside. The living room and the kitchen were one big space, delineated by a dining table of eight chairs. The colors were warm and cozy, from the soft orange sofas and the plush rugs to the deep blue cabinets of the kitchen. Familial pictures lined the wall, a dark mustard bean bag sat near the fireplace, and a very pregnant woman stood in the kitchen.

Jeremy and Lia headed straight to a door in the far end of the kitchen, which led to a terrace. The terrace itself was enclosed with glass, from what I could see through the large windows. Pirate stayed by my side.

"Baby, we have guests," Jordan said before joining the kids outside.

"Hi! You must be Barbara," the pregnant woman, who I assumed was Jordan's wife, said. Fine boned and slender except for her belly, she had Lia's eyes and hair, but the woman's skin tone was a few shades darker.

I nodded. "I hope I'm not intruding."

"Oh, no, the kids are so excited to see you," she said, coming closer. "I'm Jenny, Jordan's wife and Lia's mom. Come in, come in. Oh, my, that's a huge dog. Can I pet him?"

"Sure," I said, putting the paper bags on the dining table and taking out a bakery box I picked up on the way. Jenny didn't have to reach down much to pet Pirate's head. Pirate's tail wagged.

"Oh, he's such a sweetheart," Jenny said, two dimples appearing in her cheeks as her smile deepened.

"This is for you guys," I said.

"You shouldn't have," Jenny said, already opening the box with a grin. "Oh my God, it's like you read my mind. I'm craving strawberries these days."

She plucked a mini strawberry tart and popped in her mouth, closing her eyes at the taste.

Amused, I pulled the rest of the gifts out.

"Knock yourself out," I told Jenny. The woman made an impressed sound and went for another strawberry dessert.

"These are so good. I should check out the bakery," she said, closing the box to read the bakery's name printed on it.

Lia and Jeremy sprinted inside right then, followed by a golden retriever. The dog was far from being a puppy, but its steps held a spring. The kids must be affecting it positively.

"This is Lady," Jeremy said, putting his hand on the dog's neck. "She's eight years old."

I watched Pirate sniff the air, but he didn't move from his spot beside me.

"Mom, it's a huge dog," Lia whispered, tugging at her mom's dress and pointing at Pirate.

"He is, isn't he?"

"His name is Pirate," the little girl said. "Isn't that cool?"

Jenny chuckled. "It suits him."

Lady stepped closer to Pirate. Pirate was a very gentle dog, despite his appearance. I wasn't worried about him. So I watched Lady's body language. The golden retriever seemed even tempered, so I did not foresee any problems.

"Is that okay?" Jeremy said, holding Lady's leash.

"So far, so good," I said. The two dogs sniffed each other's faces, then Lady's tail wagged. I fished out a small treat box I kept in my purse, giving one to Lady and one to Pirate. The two dogs crunched happily.

"Alright, Pirate. Up," I said. Pirate stood up, his tail wagging. The two dogs circled each other and sniffed each other's behinds. The two children snickered.

"Why do they do that?" Jeremy asked.

"That's their way of greeting," I said. "Dogs can learn a lot of information about each other by their scents."

"Oooh," Jeremy and Lia nodded, watching the dogs. Finally, Lady gave a bark.

"Is it okay if we leave them alone now?" Lia asked.

"It should be fine. But I'd like to keep an eye on them for a little while," I said.

"Please make yourself at home, Barbara," Jenny said, indicating the house with a sweep of her hand as she moved to the stove.

"Thank you."

I followed Jeremy and Lia outside. The terrace was indeed enclosed in glass. With the wooden floors, bright orange couches and fire pit table, it echoed the cozy feeling of the house's decor. Jordan was standing in one corner next to a grill. He raised his hand in greeting when he saw me and focused on the food cooking.

I wondered what he thought of me. He was in that video Billy sent me. I had not seen the video again since that day.

Pirate and Lady were fast friends. I stood watch until I was sure the two dogs were safe for the kids before leaving the four to play under Jordan's eyes.

"Can I help you with anything?" I asked, walking inside again. Jenny was checking something in the oven.

"Oh, it's alright," she said, glancing over her shoulder with a smile. "I got everything ready with Jordan earlier. Why don't you take a seat?"

I sat by the island. Jenny floated in the kitchen. She looked beautiful in a red knit dress and leggings. The bright color enhanced her glow.

I didn't want to ask where Ryan was. I was just relieved that I had time to get my bearings before setting eyes on him again.

"Do you want a drink?" Jenny asked. "We have coffee running, there's also tea."

"Coffee, please," I said. "Thank you."

Looking around, I noticed a painting in the middle of the photographs hung on the wall. It wasn't big. A simple portrait of Lia drawn with watercolors. Jordan's wife was a painter, I remembered.

"That's beautiful. Did you do it?" I pointed to the portrait.

Jenny followed my finger and grinned. "Yep. She was around four at the time. Getting her to sit still was a challenge. So I took a photo of her and drew from it." She gave a heavy sigh. "I miss painting."

"How far along are you?"

"Twenty six weeks," she patted her swollen belly. "This guy is pretty big."

"A boy?"

"Yes, a very big one according to my doctor." Jenny chuckled, her dark eyes twinkling. "I'm worried how he's going to come out."

My lips twitched. Jenny was such a bright personality. She would get along very well with Eleanor.

Except that Eleanor was moving away...

I shook away the gloomy thought. Jenny put a mug of coffee in front of me.

"Cream? Sugar?"

"Both, please."

Right then, the doorbell rang. Jordan came through the terrace door. "I got it."

"That must be Miranda and Ryan," Jenny said. "They forgot something at home so they went back for it."

I gave a nod, unnerved by the knowing hint in Jenny's gaze. I made sure my body was not tense. Accepting the coffee creamer and sugar, I made her coffee the way I liked it.

Ryan's deep voice rumbled in the hallway. My heart gave a painful tug. I took a careful sip of my coffee as Jordan came in, followed by Ryan and an auburn haired woman. Miranda.

Ryan couldn't hide his surprise. He stopped walking. "Barbara."

"Good afternoon." I nodded to him and to Miranda.

I looked away from the familiar brown of his eyes and to the greenish hazel of Miranda's. Her silky green dress set off the red in her hair and the slight tan of her skin. She was tall. Standing next to Ryan, they looked straight out of a magazine.

"Hi, you must be Barbara," Miranda said. She gave me a quick once over and smiled. "I finally get to meet you. The boys just keep talking about you. I'm Miranda, Jeremy's mom."

Miranda' hand squeezed Ryan's forearm.

"Nice to meet you," I said.

"Well," Miranda looked at Ryan. "Babe, why don't you give me that casserole?"

I looked away and took another sip of coffee. I had no idea what it tasted like.

"I got it," Ryan said, walking closer to put the casserole on the island.

"Oooh, what's this?" Jenny opened the foil. "Hmm, smells good."

"It's a beef casserole," Miranda said, coming to stand next to Ryan. Her side flush against his. "I can't eat it since it's quite heavy, but it's Jeremy's favorite."

Jeremy came running inside. "Mom! Come look, come look! Lady and Pirate are getting along very well."

"Are they, baby?" Miranda crouched and kissed Jeremy's cheek. "Let's go see. But you have to make sure they don't come close to me, okay?"

"It's alright, I'll make sure of it," Jeremy replied seriously, pulling on his mom's hand.

Miranda left with Jeremy, and Jordan tugged Jenny towards the fridge where they whispered to each other.

"I didn't think you would come," Ryan said.

"I promised the kids," I replied, aware of his gaze on me but unwilling to meet it. It was all too much, too soon. My pride had not recovered enough for this. I should've just stayed home.

"Yeah, I should've known," he said. "You wouldn't break a promise."

I drank my coffee. The awkwardness between us was suffocating. When Jordan called Ryan, I could have wept from relief.

What had I been thinking, coming here? Coming face to face with what I might never have, with what I had lost, what I had never had a chance of having.

The wounds in my heart bled anew.

I shouldn't have come.

--- ---- ---

Another update!

I hope you enjoy it. I shed a few tears while writing this chapter. 

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Much love <3 <3 <3

M.B.