Ryan

It had all gone wrong.

I had been in the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water and thinking about calling Barbara to see if I should pick her up, when the front door opened and Miranda came rushing in.

"Where's Jeremy?" I asked, putting my phone on the counter.

Miranda had not mentioned getting back together again. She had simply told me that I had time to think about it, that she would be moving to New York whether we were back together or not, and that she would do what was best for Jeremy.

I'd been stewing in my own thoughts for the last couple of days.

If Miranda had told me this before I met Barbara, would I have agreed? I didn't know, but I would've given her a chance, of that I was sure.

So was it simply Barbara's presence that made me hesitate? Was it Barbara's presence that made me resent Miranda for wanting to start over?

I couldn't blame Barbara, it was myself I needed to figure out. My own feelings and needs took a backseat to Jeremy's, that was a rule I lived by so far.

So why was I hesitant to apply that rule to this situation? Having Miranda and me living under one roof with him would make Jeremy the happiest child alive. Would it?

So why was I hesitating?

Barbara did not deserve someone who would not put her first.

"He's with Lia and Jenny," Miranda replied, smiling broadly. "I was wondering if you could drive me somewhere?"

I looked at my watch. I still had a couple of hours until the movie. "Alright, let me change."

The first mistake I made was leaving my phone there on the island.

After I changed and went back down, Miranda looked like she was about to cry.

"I'm so, so sorry," she said, handing me my phone. The screen was shattered. The phone couldn't turn on.

I cursed. "What the hell happened?"

"I accidentally knocked it off the counter," she said. "I'm sorry."

I rubbed my face and put the phone in my pocket. "Let's just go."

I drove her to a restaurant we used to come to whenever we came to New York during our marriage. She looked excited. "Can you come with me for a second?"

I glanced at my watch. "I have to be somewhere."

"Just for a little while," she said. "Please? It has to do with Jeremy."

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You'll know when we get there!" she said, grinning. "Come on, I don't want us to be late."

With a sigh, I went in with her. There was a big private room in the back of the restaurant, if I'd recalled correctly. I could hear noise as we drew closer to it. Miranda opened the door.

The room was full of children and several adults. I recognized most of the kids as Jeremy's school buddies.

"Dad! Surprise!" Jeremy said from the centre of the room, where he was wearing a birthday hat. He stood with the rest of the children around the massive cake set on the table.

And then I was sucked into the vortex of a birthday party.

It was an early birthday party for Jeremy, Miranda explained. Jeremy's actual birthday was in the middle of January and she would be in L.A. finalizing her move to New York.

Jeremy was deliriously happy. He took my hand and showed me all the gifts he got, which was considerable with such a short notice party. Apparently, Miranda had only planned it the day before.

In the middle of the chaos, I managed to find Jordan. My friend didn't have Barbara's number, but he did have Eleanor's. So he sent her a text explaining the situation. I just couldn't leave Jeremy's birthday party. I knew Barbara would understand. Hopefully she hadn't left her house yet.

I felt extremely guilty, but seeing my son's toothy grin and hearing his laughter was worth it. It was alright. I was doing the right thing.

It was only after the party wrapped up that Jordan found me.

"Hey, man," Jordan said, his brows heavy. "Eleanor just responded to my text. She just landed in Houston. She saw my text just now."

My heart dropped. I looked around the messy room. All the guests had left already. Miranda was chatting with Jenny, Lia and Jeremy were looking through the gifts.

"Shit," I cursed. "She must have waited in the movie theater."

"Why in the world didn't you reschedule?" Jordan asked.

"I didn't know there was a damn party," I replied.

"Your phone?"

"Broken."

"Damn it man." Jordan shook his head. "You didn't half ass this screw up."

I rubbed my face. My heart was beating wildly. "I need to go see her."

"I'm surprised you're all chummy with Miranda," Jordan said.

"Yeah, well. It's not like I'm going to bite her head off right in front of Jeremy," I said.

I looked at Miranda. I hated her so much right now.

Thinking this way made me feel like a self-absorbed asshole. This mess was my fault. I shook my head. Disoriented. Confused. I felt like I was in the middle of a storm.

"Anyway, could you please give them a lift home?" I asked. "I need to go see Barbara."

"Ryan," Jordan said, lowering his voice. "What are you doing with Barbara? Miranda told Jenny she wants to be with you again. She's moving here, right?"

"I don't know, Jordan," I said. "I have no idea what I'm doing. I gotta go."

Jordan promised he'd deliver Miranda and Jeremy home, and I turned.

"Dad!" Jeremy called, running over before I managed to make my escape.

I crouched down and managed a smile. "Hey bud. Gotta hurry somewhere."

"Oh, okay," he leaned closer and said, his face hesitant. "Is mommy going to be living with us after she comes back?"

"Did she say that?" I asked.

"No, but I wish she could," Jeremy said. "Just like uncle Jordan and aunt Jenny both live with Lia."

He was breaking my heart. I hugged him to me. I couldn't answer him right now. "How about we talk about this later, okay? Why don't you open the rest of your gifts."

"Okay," Jeremy mumbled, looking slightly disappointed.

I smothered my guilt and left.

I went to the movie theater first. The movie we were supposed to watch was over. The hall was crowded. I scanned it several times, walking around just on the off-chance that she'd actually stayed to see the movie. After fifteen minutes, I headed to her house.

The drive to her place had never been longer. I kept thinking about what I'd say. And every single word sounded like an excuse. My brain felt foggy. Miranda's voice. Jeremy's voice. Jordan's voice. Everything felt so suffocating.

Her house still looked like a fairytale, with the string lights all over the trees and the christmas lights decorating the house. Her car was in the driveway, but the metal gate was closed.

I rolled down my window and rang the gate's intercom. No one answered. I rang again, and again, until she finally picked up.

"Yes?" her voice came through, bringing a stab of pain to my heart.

"Barbara? This is Ryan," I said. "I am so, so sorry. Can I please talk to you?"

There was silence, until I thought she was gone. Then, "come in."

The gate opened and I rolled my car inside. The front door opened as I stepped out of the car, and Barbara came down the steps. She was bundled up in a coat over sweatpants and a black hoodie. Her face was set in its usual impassive mask she reserved for the public.

"Barbara," I said, stepping closer. My breath fogged in the air. "I'm so sorry. My phone broke-"

"I received your message from Eleanor," she said. "No need to apologize."

I snapped my mouth shut and looked at her. She was not letting anything slip. It was like being face to face with the version of her everyone else knew. There was no sign of the woman who laughed, joked and smiled with me.

"Still, I owe you an apology," I said. "It was a last minute birthday party for Jeremy that Miranda prepared."

"I understand, Ryan."

"Then why are you being like this?" I asked softly.

I was irritated with everything and everyone, irritated that she was shutting me out again. Irritated with myself for screwing up.

She blinked, slow and lazy. Her features were crisp under all the lights, the shadows sharp. "Like what?"

"You're angry with me," I said. "Which I understand, I just -"

"I'm not angry at you."

I blew out a breath. Barbara never lied. But she didn't always tell the entire truth. "Then what's the problem?"

"There's no problem," she said, taking a deep breath. "It's good that you came tonight. I need to talk to you about something."

"About what?" I asked, unease gnawing off my guts.

"I think we should stop seeing each other."

I'd known. I'd known it would have eventually come to this since I was hesitating over Miranda's proposal. But being faced with it was a blow to the heart.

"Why?" I asked. "We-"

I couldn't find the words. Anything coming off of my mouth would either be a lie or a selfish request. But I couldn't simply let her out of my life so easily. The wind blew, icy and salty.

"We could still be friends," I said. "Jeremy loves you."

"I'm grateful. But I'm set in my decision."

I closed my eyes for a second. "Then tell me why?"

"I don't need a reason."

"Come on, Barbara, cut the crap. I know you're not the cold woman you're trying to play off, it's too late now."

A hint of temper lit up her eyes. "Don't assume you know me."

"I don't. But I also know there's something going on right now," I said. "What's the matter? I know I fucked up tonight-"

"This has nothing to do with tonight," she said.

"Then what?"

Her chest rose and fell in loud breaths. She lifted her chin. "You once told me that relationships are a leap of faith. I took one with you, but-"

I listened, willing her to continue but knowing that her words would change everything forever.

"This is my limit. I can't continue seeing you because I'm expecting something more out of this." She pointed between them, throat swallowing. "Because... I'm falling in love with you."

I stopped breathing.

I had told her to take a leap of faith. And I would be the one to teach her that it did not always work. I felt like a monster. I closed my eyes. Barbara's face behind my eyelids changed to Jeremy's. Voices crowded my head. Jeremy's disappointed face. My ears rang.

Was I in love with her? I didn't know. I didn't even know what I wanted to do with my damn life right now. Everything was so messed up. I was so messed up.

"Barbara, I..." I whispered, opening my eyes to the reality I created for myself and for this beautiful woman who deserved to have her heart treated like the most precious of jewels.

She gave a firm nod. "Yes, I know. Which is why I think it's better if we end this now before it's too late."

Her easy acceptance tore me to pieces, yet I couldn't say anything. Silence had never sounded so loud, so accusing. Barbara's face told nothing. But I knew the amount of courage it had taken her to say those words, and whatever I said, she deserved better.

"Leave, Ryan," she told me, turning towards her house. "Good night."

Still, I did not stop her. On that cold winter night, I watched Barbara close the door with a click that echoed in my soul and left me wondering whether I'd made the right choice. 

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I know, I know. We hate Ryan right now. Curse him all you want in the comments ==>

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Much love <3 <3 <3

M.B.