I fucked up. I gave into my dick, and I hooked up with Gabriel. At the moment, it felt so good, and it was as if this weight was being lifted off my shoulders.

        Then the high wore off, and I remembered what I had done. That look on his face reminded me that I'd messed up. Not only for myself, but also for him. It felt good, but it couldn't happen the way it did.

        Not without boundaries.

        So, I walked into Gabriel's bedroom, but he wasn't there. "Gabriel?" I called out.

        "Hey," he said as he came out of the bathroom, and he moved past me to sit on his bed. "What's going on?" I moved forward and sat in front of him. We looked at each other for a while. "Okay, you're scaring me."

        "About yesterday," I started.

        "It was great," he interrupted me with a smile on his face. "Things have been rough with us, but last night was amazing."

        I knew he wasn't just talking about the fair.

        "It meant nothing," I said, and his expression dropped. I almost broke at that look, but I knew I couldn't. "It doesn't make things perfect between us. It doesn't mean we're suddenly back to the way we were in college. It was all lust." His breathing became deeper. He did that to calm himself down. I didn't want to do this, but I had to. "We can hookup occasionally. But that's all it is. Hooking up. What do you have to say about that?" He was silent. "Gabriel."

        "What do you want me to say?" he said in a small voice.

        I felt like an ass, and him looking and sounding this way ate at me. But I had to. I had to distance myself from him. Not physically, but emotionally.

        "I guess it was all—"

        I kissed him, and he instantly relaxed. His hands moved to my cheek and my hair as he held onto me. Our tongues brushed gently, just moving together as I pressed his body to mine. His lips tasted like toothpaste, but I didn't care. I just wanted them against mine, and their softness soothed me. Before I could accept that I wanted him again, I pulled back.

        Gabriel looked up at me with hooded eyes, and he tried to pull me in for another kiss, but I stopped him. "Stop," I said. "My kisses aren't sentimental." He furrowed his brows. "They mean nothing. It doesn't matter if I kiss a stranger or someone I'm with. They're all the same." That defeated look came back. I leaned in close. "Remember that."

        I stood up to walk away. "Gyan," he said, stopping me. I turned around to face him. "Does that mean I can kiss you whenever I want? Since they mean nothing?" His voice got soften with each word.

        I nodded. "Whenever you want. As long as you know what they mean."

        He got off the bed and walked over to me before taking my face into his hands to brush his lips against mine. It was a kiss with our lips barely touching as our warm breaths fanned the other's lips. When I couldn't take it anymore, I wrapped an arm around his back while the other hand cupped his neck, and I brought our lips together. He wrapped his arms around me as he kissed back, just as hard. He wasn't yielding this time as he put up a fight with his tongue. He only pulled away to nibble on my lip, and then his tongue returned to mine. There was no rush, just lips moving against each other. His mouth tasted less like toothpaste as my focus was on him. His warm mouth. His soft skin and silky hair, and his body pressed against mine. I couldn't pull away, even if I wanted to.

        Then Gabriel did it for me, and we panted lightly. His eyes searched mine. "I guess that wasn't sentimental."

        He released me and took a step back. I could only watch him, not knowing what to say. With that, I turned and walked out of his room, needing some space from him. I needed to leave the apartment.

        With that, I called Darian. "Hey," I said when he answered. "Want to meet up at Shirley Shakes?"

        "Hell yeah," he said. "Let me get dressed."

        Darian usually woke up earlier than this. "Were you and Kenji fucking last night?"

        "Yeah," he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. "I bet you wish you were getting some last night, too."

        It felt like the blood drained out of my face. "Funny you'll say that."

        "See you soon," Darian said, and I hung up to get ready.

        When Darian and I arrived at Shirley Shakes, we ordered our food—two burgers and one Dr. Pepper for Darian and a Pepsi for me.

        "Being in this place is always bittersweet for me," Darian said before taking a bite out of his burger.

        I finished chewing. "Because you got fired from here?"

        "Don't remind me."

        "Hey," I said, "on the bright side, if you would have never gotten fired, you would have never met me."

        Darian and I worked together at my family's gas station. He didn't work with me anymore, but we were still good friends.

        "True," Darian said with his mouth full. He brought his fist to me, and I pounded it. "So, what's up?" He placed his burger down to focus on me. "You don't just call me in the morning to hang out."

        I placed my food down, too. "I fucked up."

        Darian's brows came together in concern. "What happened?"

        "I hooked up with Gabriel," I said, and Darian grinned. "It wasn't just kissing but full on blowjobs and shit."

        Darian laughed. "You listened to me."

        "This isn't funny," I said. "Now, I've made things more complicated. He's expecting something I can't give him."

        I knew I broke Gabriel's heart this morning. He may have broken mine, but I didn't want to do the same to him. At the same time, I couldn't lead him on.

        "What can't you give him?" Darian resumed eating.

        My burger was the last thing on my mind. "Affection. Love. A relationship."

        Darian sent me a look. "I call BS," he said. "You're saying all this shit, but I bet you're going around giving him love and affection. And I bet deep down, you want a relationship with him."

        "I can't," I said. "I can't do this with Gabriel again."

        I couldn't deny that I was excited he was back, but we couldn't be together.

        "Why not?" Darian said. "It's been five years. Get over it." I slit my eyes at him. "Yes, he dumped you as soon as he went to Australia, but he's back and trying to make amends. Why don't you put all this effort into building your relationship, instead of resisting it?"

        "There's no relationship."

        "But you both want one," Darian said. "If you keep this shit up, Gyan, you're going to lose him for a second time."

        I didn't want to think about that. I may have not wanted to be in a romantic relationship with Gabriel, but I didn't want him to leave again.

        "The shit I did to Kenji was awful," Darian said. "I stopped talking to him for years, despite having been his best friend. Worst of all, I started bullying him at some point. I did a lot of terrible shit, and he was pissed at first, but he forgave me. Now, look at us. Been together for five years."

        "That's different," I said.

        "Yeah, it is," Darian agreed. "What I did to Kenji is worse than what Gabriel did to you, but Kenji and I are still together. How much more you and Gabriel?"

        He thought it was so easy. I wasn't Kenji. I couldn't turn off my feelings on anything, which was part of the problem. I couldn't give in just because he was ready to be in my life.

        "The most I can give him is sex," I said, and Darian's eyes widened. "That's it. It'll help us both get our needs met."

        "Will Gabriel want this?"

        "Doesn't matter," I said, but my mind screamed otherwise.

        I didn't want to hurt him, but at the same time, I didn't want to hurt myself either.

        "That's not going to work." Darian finished the last of his burger while I still had half of mine left. "You guys have strong history. You dated for four fucking years. Feelings are going to come out. Gabriel isn't like your random hookups. You've already established an emotional bond with him. It's hard to break that."

        "I'll manage," I said. "I've been casually hooking up with men since we—"

        "Broke up?" Darian finished for me. "Exactly. You probably used those guys to distract yourself from Gabriel."

        I smirked. "Like I used you?"

        He smirked back. "Honestly, we were using each other. I was using you to get over Kenji, but that shit didn't work. I bet it didn't work for you either." I didn't say anything. "Kenji and I tried the 'only sex' arrangement. Didn't work. I already had feelings for him, and he started to develop them, too. Casual sex doesn't work with someone you're already in love with or the very least, care about."

        I resumed eating my burger. "Remind me to never talk to you about Gabriel again."

        He drank some of his Dr. Pepper. "You've got it bad. Just accept it."

        "Fuck you," I said while chewing.

        "Gabriel is to you what Kenji is to me." He grinned.

        Talking to Darian didn't help. If anything, it made everything worse. When I went back to my apartment, that was when I saw Gabriel drinking tequila on the couch.

        "What the hell are you doing?" I snatched the bottle out of his hand before moving my gaze to him. "Are you trying to get drunk?" I placed the bottle down onto the table.

        "Why do you care?" His speech wasn't slurred, but he wasn't fully sober either. "You've been an ass to me ever since I came back. I know I hurt you, but I thought you'll be a little excited to see me."

        I was.

        "I guess not," he went on. "I don't know what to do. I apologized. I try to find ways for us to hang out. I'm trying everything, but you're still hot and cold with me." I sat beside him on the couch, and he turned his body towards me. "I just want you to stop being mad at me." He started to plant kisses along my neck, and I closed my eyes. "I want you to treat me like you used to." He moved over to straddle my lap as I opened my eyes. He brought his face close. "Please, Gyan."

        "Gabriel," I started but he silenced me with a finger to my lips.

        "It means nothing to you," he said, "but it means the world to me."

        "Gabriel, what are you—"

        His lips claimed mine, and I groaned into the kiss. He held onto the back of the couch as our lips moved together, and my hands traveled up and down his back. Whenever I would try to pull away, he would only pull me in. I couldn't resist him because I only wanted his lips against mine. I wanted him close so that I could feel his body against mine with his tongue brushing mine. I moved my hand to the back of his head, and I held him in place, so he wouldn't leave. I should have pushed him away, but all I wanted to do was pull him in. I couldn't get enough of him, and he held onto me for dear life.

        We couldn't get enough of each other.

        I wasn't thinking, and it was risky, but all I could think about was Gabriel. Not his lips, but him. I couldn't get enough of him.

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* Where do you think Gyan and Gabriel's relationship is headed?

* I'm having a hard time thinking of a ship name for Gyan and Gabriel. #Gybriel? #Gayan (sounds too much like Gyan)? #Gabrian? I don't know. If you think of anything, let me know.