60) The Hope
Today was Kenji and Darian's wedding. Gabriel and I woke up early and got ready, putting on our suits and everything. But first, I had to pay my father a visit. I texted him that I was coming over, not caring if he was asleep or not.
It was time we talked.
So, before going over to Kenji and Darian's venue for the wedding, Gabriel and I headed over to my parents' house, and he waited in the Sequoia while I made my way inside.
"Morning," I greeted my mother as she sat in the kitchen, watching me. "Where's Papa?" I asked while standing in front of her.
"Outside," she said while motioning her head in the direction of the door that led to our backyard. I nodded, and I made my way over. "Gyan." I stopped, and she paused. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
I glanced back at her. "I need to."
With that, I opened the back door and walked into the vast backyard. Sure enough, my father sat at the patio table, drinking his coffee as he read a book. Probably one on business and how to better run a company.
"Papa." I kept some distance from him, hoping for the best but not being naïve. "How are you?" He refused to look at me, but his grip tightened on his coffee handle. "Can we talk?"
He cleared his throat as he placed the mug and book down. "We both said enough."
"No, we didn't." I moved to sit in front of him. "There's so much more I have to say."
He finally looked up at me. "Like what, Gyan?" I wanted to say so much, but for a moment, I was speechless. "You told me you're a homosexual, and you're in love with a man who humiliated our family." A scowl took over his face. "You're just as much of a disgrace as he is." My throat constricted. "We went back on our word. We called off the wedding. Rumors are circulating surrounding your sexuality. The worst part of it is that it's all true. This is a fiasco."
"I'm sorry." I shouldn't have, but I had to say it. "I'm sorry I agreed to the wedding in the first place. I'm sorry I kept me being gay away from you and blindsided you." I gulped before continuing. "But I won't apologize for who I am. For loving Gabriel. For choosing myself and my happiness."
He snorted. "This is not a happy life."
"It's my life," I told him. "I'll make the best of it. I just need love and support from the people who matter most. I need my friends. Gabriel. Mom and Nila and Alisha." I held eye contact with him. "I need you. I'm still your beta."
He shook his head. "I feel like I don't know you, Gyan." I didn't miss the moisture collecting in his eyes. "I did everything for you. Got you into one of the best universities in the nation and gave you a superb education throughout your life. Provided you with the best resources to be a magnificent swimmer. I had a company waiting for you, setting your future up for success. You had a beautiful wife lined up. Everything was waiting for you on a silver platter."
"I appreciate it."
"No, you didn't!" he shouted as he fought back his tears. "You never appreciated anything I did for you. You took it all for granted. You threw it back in my face and made me look like a fool. You made me into some villain who was trying to dictate your life and cause you unhappiness. You cried for freedom." He narrowed his eyes at me. "Now, you have it."
"Papa..."
He picked up his mug. "I'm removing myself from your life."
"Papa, no."
"You can finally do as you please, Gyan," he said before taking a sip of his coffee. "Be with men all you like. Be a vagabond for all I care. Renounce our family." He met my gaze. "You finally have the freedom you craved. I'm removing my hands from your affairs. You're a grown man, and you have the right to make your own decisions." He returned his focus to his book. "I'm not going to be a part of it."
"That's not what I want," I said, my voice coming out desperate.
I wanted autonomy, but I also wanted my father. He could be in my life without controlling it. Why couldn't I have both? Was that too much to ask?
"You don't always get what you want, Gyan," he rebutted. "I learned that the hard way." He briefly closed his eyes to stop the tears. "I don't want this life for you. I didn't want things to end up like this."
"It doesn't have to."
He examined me. "Why are you dressed up?"
I hesitated. "I'm going to a wedding."
"Whose?"
"Some friends."
"What are their names?"
He was going to make me say it. "Kenji and Darian."
He frowned. "Two men, I presume." I didn't have to answer for him to know. "Be a part of this debauchery all you want. I won't."
"This isn't about Kenji or Darian," I reminded him. "It isn't about Gabriel or Anushka or anyone else. This is about me and you."
"You always took the life I provided for you for granted," he went on. "I did everything I could, and I don't know what went wrong." A tear finally fell down his face. "I only wanted the best for you."
"I know," I agreed. "You never had malicious intent, but it wasn't always what was best for me. Only I know what is."
"No, you don't."
"That's the problem," I said. "You don't trust my judgment. It's my life, at the end of the day. I don't have it all figured out, but I will some day. I just need the courage, the will and some support. I need your love more than I need your resources." More tears fell. I'd never seen my father cry before. "I'm not the son you wanted me to be, but I'm still your son. I may make mistakes and I may fail, but I need to do this on my own. I'm not a little boy anymore. You're my father, but you can't hold my hand through everything." I was crying, too. "Things aren't ideal, but we'll get through this."
"It's too late."
"No, it's not," I said. "For the past couple months, I've questioned many things, but there's one thing that's been confirmed over and over again." I sent him a sad smile. "You always loved me." He cried more. "You didn't always show it in the best way, but you always did. You love all of us, even when you think we're shameful, ungrateful children."
I was afraid he would disown me. Maybe, he would. But my father loved me. He was austere at times, but he always had the best intentions. He did everything out of love.
At the same time, love wasn't always enough.
He wiped his face, clearing his throat. "I can't deal with you right now." My face dropped. "I need time. We need some space, from each other. Right now, we continue to hurt each other, so we need some distance."
I placed my head into my hands, trying to keep my cries quiet as the tears continued to fall. "Papa."
"I'm not trying to condemn you," he reassured me. "But I can't give you the support you need. Not right now. I need time."
I glanced up at him, not even trying to conceal my tears anymore. "This is it? After everything, this one detail makes you give up on me?"
"I'm not giving up on you," he said. "I'm being realistic. Things don't always work out the way you want them to, but you work with what you have." I stared at nothing in particular, not knowing what to say. "I don't know what the future holds, but we can't give each other what the other needs right now. It's futile to continue to expect things we can't provide each other. We'll only keep hurting the other."
"I never meant to hurt you, Papa."
"I never meant to hurt you either," he said. "That's why we need some space."
It pained me, but my father and I were toxic for each other. The love was there, but so was the anguish. We caused more harm to each other than good.
He wanted time apart, and maybe he was right.
That didn't stop my heart from breaking at the thought.
"Maybe, it'll get better," I said. "It doesn't always have to be like this."
"That's why this is necessary," he said. "You need to find yourself. I need to process this. It's best for us not to be in each other's lives right now. That doesn't mean it's permanent. But for now, it's reality."
We could find our way back to each other. Like me and Gabriel did. Gabriel and I needed to spend those five years apart to grow. To become better men for ourselves and each other. My father and I could do the same. I didn't know how long this hiatus would last, but we both needed it, even if we didn't want it.
I stood up, wiping my eyes and trying to get it together. "I understand."
"You finally get to be the man you wanted to be," my father said. "You finally have the control you wanted."
It wasn't bittersweet. Just bitter. I guessed no one got everything they wanted. Not even Gyan Gupta.
"Bye, Papa," I said before walking out.
He said nothing, allowing me to walk away from him. I didn't know when I would see him again, and that made each step I took away from him hold that much more weight.
I spoke to my mother briefly, and we hugged before I left my parents' house. When I returned to the Sequoia, I avoided Gabriel's gaze, choosing to start the car instead.
"It didn't go well?" he asked. I couldn't answer, not trusting myself to not break down. "Gyan, talk to me."
I rested my elbow on the windowsill, covering my eyes with my hand. "We're going to keep our distance from each other." Gabriel sent me a somber look. "I don't know how long, but this is real. Right now, I don't have my dad." The sobs started. "Screw Appeto. Screw what was supposed to be my wedding. Screw everyone talking. I just want my dad." I paused as a cry came out. "But he can't be what I need right now."
Gabriel rubbed my back, letting me know he was there. "You'll be okay."
"I know," I said, despite not feeling like it will. "Things always change." I caught a glimpse of him. "Thank you for coming back." He sent me a smile. "If you wouldn't have, I probably would have kept working at Appeto. I'll be getting married soon. I would live a lie, maybe for the rest of my life. You saved me, from myself."
Gabriel turned my world upside down, and that was exactly what I needed. It all needed to fall apart to come together.
"You saved me, too," he said. "If it wasn't for coming back, reconnecting with you and everyone else, I would have kept working jobs that only paid the bills and continued to be defined by my accomplishments. You helped me prioritize the things that make me happy."
I pulled him in for a kiss, and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. In spite of the emotions running through me, I was safe. I was loved, and I was determined. This wasn't the end. It was only the beginning.
Kissing the man I loved only reminded me of that.
When we pulled away, we rested our foreheads together, staring into each other's eyes. "We should probably go now," Gabriel said. "We are groomspeople, after all. We can't be late to the wedding."
I chuckled, pulling away to reverse out of my parents' driveway. "Of course, not."
With that, Gabriel and I headed to the wedding venue, his hand in mine. The heaviness in my chest continued, but for once, there was hope.
Hope in my future. Hope in my and my father's relationship. My and Gabriel's love. Hope, despite the unknown.
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* Gyan and his father's relationship is probably my favorite relationship in this story. They're relationship is so complex and it's never black or white. I'm also biased since my favorite dynamic to write about is the relationship between a parent and their child. It's a strong theme in all my stories. And I think this is a good conclusion to this subplot. It's realistic but hopeful. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Two more left!
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