The strong smell of weed filled Kenji and Darian's apartment as Darian and I passed the joint back and forth. If it was the old us, we would have been having a smoke break, but Darian and I both quit years ago—Darian longer than me. So, we opted for weed breaks instead.

Darian grinned as he handed me the joint. "I can't believe your Gabriel is back."

I frowned as I gave it back to him. "Stop calling him my Gabriel. I can't believe you said that shit in front of him."

"He's the Gabriel you've told me about," Darian said. "The one who broke your heart."

How did Darian remember this? The first time I told him about Gabriel was more than five years ago when we were working at my family's gas station.

"The one who left, and you thought he would never come back," he continued. "He's your Gabriel."

Great. Now, Gabriel thought he still meant something to me. In all honesty, I didn't know. When I told him I had to take care of him, I meant it. He was living in my apartment, and we had history. I would never let anything bad happen to him if I could do anything about it.

That didn't mean he held a significant place in my life.

"Why can't you just be happy?" Darian asked as we finished the joint. "The love of your life came back." He shook his head in disapproval. "If I were you, I would be ecstatic."

That was the thing, seeing him that first time in Shirley Shakes after five years had passed made me feel a way I hadn't felt in a long time. It was a feeling I couldn't allow myself to analyze because I didn't want to know.

"I told you he'll come back, by the way," Darian said with a cocky smile. "In that gas station, I told you 'maybe Gabriel will come back.' You brushed it off. Well, guess what?" He grinned. "Gabriel came back."

I rubbed my forehead. "Can we stop talking about Gabriel?"

It was ruining my high. Maybe the high was what was making Darian so talkative.

"That's the thing about you." Darian wagged his finger at me. "You say the things you don't mean. You're resisting Gabriel, but I bet deep down, you just want to kiss the hell out of him. Hell, maybe screw the hell out of him. If my college sweetheart showed up, I'll want them everywhere and anywhere."

He kept popping up in my mind the more Darian spoke, and it was pissing me off.

"You guys haven't seen each other in years," he went on. "Don't you wonder what it'll be like to fuck him again?" I groaned, not wanting to think about it. "Do you wonder if it'll be the same, or even better?"

Once again, he was stuck in my mind. His subtle smile. His dark hair, and his smooth skin. His skin was so soft. I always loved running my fingers along it. Every time I was inside of him, I couldn't stop touching him.

Fuck.

"Darian, shut the hell up," I said. "Unless you're going to suck me off, shut it."

"Sorry, man," Darian said with a shake of his head. "I can only suck you off with Kenji around."

I almost laughed, if I wasn't preoccupied with thinking about someone else. With Gabriel back, I couldn't deny that I was attracted to him, but having Darian point it out was making my mind wander.

"But seriously." Darian turned his body towards me with his elbow resting on the top of the couch. "You've dated before. I'm guessing you've had sex before. He's back, and you're living together. If I were you, I'll be tapping that."

"No," I said. "That's dangerous."

"Why?" he asked. "Are you afraid your feelings will come back?" We stared at each other, silent for a while. "If they ever left, that is."

"I don't want to find out," I said.

When it came to Gabriel, I didn't want to think about him or be around him. Every time I was around him or thought about him, my resolve would break a little more, and I couldn't afford that. I couldn't let him in again.

"By the way," Darian said, "Gabriel's hot in this boyish-manish way, and you're you. You two would be fire together."

I sent him a look, although, I did agree. Whenever we would have sex, it was incredible. It was like I could never get enough of him, and he could never get enough of me. It didn't matter how much we touched or how many times we kissed, it was never enough.

We always wanted more.

"Darian," I said in a warning tone, "at this rate, I'm going to need someone to get me off."

I was surprised I wasn't hard already.

Darian smirked. "You can always ask Gabriel."

I had to stop myself from thinking about Gabriel sucking me off. "You're evil," I said to Darian, and he laughed. "I need to stop getting high with you."

But he was right. If it was any other guy, I would have tapped that. Use them for my own sexual pleasure. But it wasn't any other guy.

It was Gabriel.

Everything was different with him, which was why I had to keep my distance. I'd established my life, and I had plans. Plans like marrying Anushka. I wasn't going to let some old flame get in the way of that.

I thought this, but all I could think about was kissing him. Did his lips still taste like grapes, which he loved to eat? Were they still warm and soft? And his eyes right before I would kiss him...

I groaned when I entered my car, needing to clear my head. I had more important things to think about. Like jerking off in the shower when I got home.

I was almost home when I received a call from Anushka. We had exchanged numbers at that family dinner, but I didn't expect her to call me.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Christian Grey."

"No," I said. "Don't go there."

She snickered. "Why? Are you not kinky enough?"

"Christian Grey isn't kinky," I replied. "He's disturbed."

"We're all a little disturbed sometimes," she said. "It keeps things exciting."

"Well," I said as I made a turn into my apartment complex. "It's kind of hard to take care of someone else when you don't have your shit together."

"Do you have your shit together?" she asked as I got out of my car and made it to my apartment.

        No.

"Yes."

"Is that what it takes to be in charge?" she said. "Taking care of other people?"

I opened my door and walked in. The place was quiet, meaning Gabriel was out. I shouldn't have felt a little disappointed. "Control comes with responsibility."

"As if you don't have enough responsibility on your hands," she said. "When will you ease yourself of that burden?"

I sat down on my couch and put my phone on speaker. "I'll take care of it."

She paused. "I'm looking forward to the moment I get you in bed, Gyan Gupta."

I put my feet up on the table. "Oh, really?"

"Uh huh," she said. "I'll like to see more of this."

"I thought you don't bend over?" I asked her.

"I don't," she said. "But maybe you will."

I chuckled. "I like your confidence."

"Why don't I show you my confidence when I come over to your place?" I stopped everything. "Send me your address."

We were just messing around. Why did this suddenly feel serious?

"Anushka—"

"Are you chickening out?" she said. "Can't walk the walk?"

I didn't like her challenging me.

"No," I said. "I'm hesitant for your sake."

She laughed. "I'm a big girl. I can handle myself. I may just handle you, too."

Wow, this girl. If I wasn't gay, I would have been crazy about her.

"Fine," I gave in before sending her my address.

"Perfect," she said once she received it. "See you soon, Gyan Gupta."

She hung up, and I sat on my couch in shock. Anushka wasn't bad. If there was any woman I should have been paired up with, it was her. I could tolerate her.

When my doorbell rang, I opened it to see a smiling Anushka. "Hey," I said. "Come in." I opened the door wider to let her in before closing it. "That was fast—"

Before I could finish my sentence, Anushka silenced me with her lips. I pulled away. "Anushka." 

She looked into my eyes, as if looking for something. "Don't tell me you're a prude."

        Before I could narrow my eyes at her, I was taken off guard when she pushed me against the door, claiming my lips once more. She was the aggressor as she kissed me with fervor and with my face in her hands.

No. This wasn't going to work.

I switched positions and slammed her against the door, and she gasped, but my lips found hers soon after, as I ran my hand against her leg. I didn't understand why I was doing this. Her lips didn't taste like grapes, and they weren't yielding. She was competing with me through her tongue and her actions.

The both of us fighting for control.

Then she pushed me back and led me backwards, towards my couch. "Sit," she said, and I chuckled. She was messing with the wrong guy. "I said sit." She pushed me back onto the sofa, and I watched her in disbelief. She was smirking.

With that, I grabbed her waist and pulled her down to straddle my lap. She found my lips just as quickly. After all the things Darian said, I wanted to get off. Anushka's hands ran along my chest and even traveled down to brush against my crotch as our tongues continued to battle.

This wasn't it. I couldn't get off like this. Moments like this reminded me of how gay I was.

She pulled back. "I think I like you. Sex wise, that is."

I grabbed her hair in my hand and pulled it back. "Shut up," I said. "Shut up and let me kiss you." She smirked as I followed through to my words, continuing our little game.

That was all this was. A game. None of it was real.

Before I could think about it too much, the door opened, making me halt as Anushka continued planting kisses along my neck. My eyes widened when they met the person in front of us.

Gabriel.

"Anushka." I pushed her away, helping her get off my lap, so she would sit next to me instead. My eyes never left Gabriel's.

"I-I'm," he started but stopped, as if he was trying to find his words. "I'm sorry. I...I'm gonna go."

He hurried down the hall with my eyes following him. Anushka snickered. "Who is that?" she asked while biting her thumb. "Your gay lover?" My head snapped in her direction. "Relax." She pushed my shoulder back. "I'm kidding." Her expression turned serious. "Unless you like anal. Then I don't mind."

"You like being fucked up the ass?" I asked.

She maintained her expression. "Who said anything about me being fucked?"

This conversation was hitting too close to home, so I stood up. "I'll see you later, Anushka." I helped her to her feet before leading her to the door. "Have a safe ride home."

We faced each other with her out the door. "We're not done here." She looked at me with her head tilted. "I still have to take care of you."

With that, she turned on her heels to walk away. Not once, did she glance back at me. This was going to be fun.

When I closed the door and turned around, I was startled when I saw Gabriel. "Sorry for scaring you," he said with a sheepish look.

"It's fine." I watched him carefully. He was avoiding my gaze, but his facial features seemed tense. "Are you okay?"

He hesitated, but one look at me, and he stepped forward. "I don't want to overstep," he said, "but can I ask something?"

I sighed, knowing what was to come. "Sure," I still said.

Gabriel thought about it for a second before looking up at me. "Since when do you kiss girls? Are you bisexual now?"

"No," I answered.

"So, you just wanted to kiss her?"

"I'm gay."

He sent me a confused look. "Then wh—"

"She's my wife," I said in a voice louder than I intended.

Gabriel blinked rapidly as he gathered his thoughts. "Your wife?"

"Future wife," I corrected. "We're getting married in a couple of months." Gabriel looked at me as if I'd shot an orphan or something. "Don't be like the others."

"But you're gay," he said.

He was going to be like the others.

"I'm very aware," I said. "That doesn't mean I can't marry a woman. Doesn't mean I can't fuck a woman, and certainly doesn't mean I can't have kids with one."

"That's a terrible idea," he said, his voice coming out more desperate. "You're not going to be happy."

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" I hollered. "It's my life. Who do people think will make me happy then?"

"Someone like—" He stopped himself, glancing to the side as I waited for him to continue.

"Like what?"

I wanted him to say it.

He wouldn't look at me. "A man you love."

I wanted him to say it.

I took a step forward. "Like who?"

He shook his head, as if he lost his train of thought. "You deserve better." I watched him, not knowing how to feel or what to say.

He didn't say it.

"You have no say in my life," I reminded him. "I can kiss whoever I want. I can screw whoever I want, and I sure as hell can marry whoever I want. The last person that should be telling me otherwise is you."

"Gyan—" He looked up, but I put a hand up.

"I speak," I said, "and you listen." He became silent. "You lost that privilege when you promised me that you wouldn't forget about me but do exactly that the moment you landed in Australia."

He gave me that look again. No. It wasn't working this time.

"I know," he said.

"You don't," I said. "I didn't know that day would be our last day. Now that I think about it, I should have known better. It all screamed 'goodbye.'" He released a shaky breath, but before he could open his mouth, I stopped him. "I said you listen." He closed his mouth again. "Doing all the things we loved together. Wanting me to keep making love to you, as if it was the last time, but I guess it was. You were saying goodbye to all those years we spent together."

That was what hurt the most. I thought I meant more to him. I didn't know an internship was worth more than our four years together. Some would say those college years were wasted, but despite everything, I didn't regret them.

The only thing I regretted was falling for Gabriel.

"Now, you can speak," I said to him.

He tried to hold back his tears. "I don't know what to say."

"What about why you gave up on us?" I said. "Four years and you just gave up."

"I didn't want to hold you back," he said in a small voice.

"That should have been my decision," I yelled, making him flinch. "I should have decided whether or not you were holding me back. What would you even be holding me back from?"

"Stopping you from doing the things you love or being with the people you could love," he answered.

"I loved you," I said, and we went silent. It shouldn't have come out, but it did, and I couldn't take it back. "I loved you, Gabriel."

I'd never loved anyone the way I did him.

He took in deep breaths to control his tears. "I loved you, too."

"Obviously, not enough," I said, and a tear finally fell down his cheek. "If you did, you wouldn't have thrown it all away. Thrown me away. I can't even imagine doing that to you. You don't know how hard it was."

Having the love of my life leave the country, and I missed him like crazy. Then a week later, he called me and said it was over, and I never heard from him again. All the nights spent wishing he'd come back all led to disappointment. Then the moment came where I didn't think about it as much, and I was moving forward.

Then he showed up.

Gabriel wiped his tears away but more fell. "I know. It was hard for me, too."

I scoffed. "Could have fooled me. If it was so hard, then why did you stay gone for so long?" He said nothing. "Exactly. I still don't even know why you're here. It's certainly not because of me."

I wasn't one of his priorities.

"What can I do?" He came forward and stopped with his hands on my arms. He was too close. "What can I do to make you forgive me? I'm so sorry, Gyan."

I tried pushing him away, but he only came closer. His scent and his touch and everything bombarded me.

"Gabriel." I tried releasing him again, but he stayed close.

"Tell me." He grabbed my face in his hands, so I would look at him. "Tell me, and I'll do it."

I grabbed his hands, accidentally pulling him closer as we stopped, staring into each other's eyes. He still had tears on his face, and I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to curse him out for what he did and not speak to him for weeks.

But I took my thumb and wiped his tears away instead. He never stopped looking at me.

"Show me you care," I said, and his eyes continued to water, so I wiped his face some more. "Show me that you still care." I released him, putting some distance between us. "You hurt me, but that doesn't mean I want to hurt you."

I began to walk away, but his voice stopped me. "Don't marry her," he said, and I kept my back to him. "Be with someone..." He paused again. "Be with someone who makes you happy."

I shook my head. "I'll see you in the morning."

I walked away, needing to be alone and as far away from him as possible. When his footsteps passed my room, there was no relief. With Gabriel, it was never a game. It was all too real.

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* What do you guys think about the boys finally confronting the issue? This game between Gyan and Anushka? What do you think will happen next?