I sat on the floor of Arya and Honoka's apartment while Arya and Priyanka sat on the couch. We were pretty much drinking juice that looked like wine. A part of me wanted the real thing, but Arya had been sober for almost five years now. I didn't want to contribute to a relapse.

        "So," Arya started while examining her glass. "You fucked up." She met my gaze. "Didn't see that coming."

        I rolled my eyes. "Okay. I get it. You were right. I didn't give Gabriel what he wanted, and now he's gone."

        Gabriel had been gone for a week now, but I couldn't bring myself to chase after him.

        "What exactly happened?" Priyanka asked her girlfriend.

        "The love of Gyan's life came back," Arya said. I didn't understand why people kept calling Gabriel that. "But instead of taking advantage of that, he pushed Gabriel away, and now he's gone."

        Priyanka sent me an apologetic look. "Damn. Sorry dude."

        "Don't feel sorry for him," Arya said. "He brought this onto himself." I glared at my cousin. "They lived together for fucks sake, but he still found a way to fuck it up."

        "As if you haven't fucked shit up before," I snarled. "I'm amazed you still have your friends after all the shit you did to them."

        "This isn't about me," she said. "It's about you. And Gabriel."

        "It shouldn't be this hard," I said.

        "You're making it hard," Arya retorted. "Gabriel was right there, but you still let him slip through your fingers. I learned the hard way that you can't expect someone to stay with you forever. You have to act now because they may be gone the next day."

        I watched my cousin, and I knew she was referring to Camila. Out of everything Arya had been through, and she'd been through a lot of shit, Camila's death was probably the hardest.

        Priyanka rubbed Arya's back, and I sighed. "This is bullshit," I said. "Why mess up a good thing?"

        Arya narrowed her eyes. "Why are you so against this? Why can't you just be with Gabriel? Yeah, it'll be hard as hell, but he should be worth it."

        "It's not that simple," I said. "This isn't only about me. It's about my family and our reputation. If I call off the wedding with Anushka, if I come out as gay, if I start dating Gabriel, if I don't pass down the Gupta name, and if I don't take over the company, it'll bring disgrace upon my family. They'll never be able to recover from that. Most of all, my father will disown me."

        Arya rolled her eyes. "Your father loves you, Gyan. It's fucked up, but you're his favorite child. He won't disown you."

        "Yes, he will," I said. "He loves me because he has so many hopes for me. Having kids who carry the Gupta name, taking over Appeto, being straight and marrying a woman from a prestigious family. If I fuck all of that up, there's nothing to love anymore."

        As I said all of this, it reminded me how much was at stake. America was all about the individual. My family wasn't like that. It was about the collective. Bringing honor to your family, even if that meant putting aside your own personal needs. I didn't want to do any of these things, but I had to. For my family.

        Even if I was unhappy, at least I wouldn't bring shame upon them.

        "I can't lead Gabriel on," I said. "I can't make him believe that I can openly be with him. Marry him one day. Adopt some kids or get a surrogate. I can't make him think he can have me completely. The best I can give him is having us be together while I'm married to Anushka."

        "The best he can get is being the other man," Arya said.

        I sadly nodded. "It doesn't matter if he's the one I want." I drank some of my juice. "The rest of the world can't know that."

        Arya shook her head in disappointment. "This isn't fair. To you. To Anushka. Especially to Gabriel."

        Anushka was fine. Honestly, I couldn't think of anything that would get Anushka worked up for long. Sometimes, I wish I had that girl's confidence and ability to go after what she wanted. She was choosing to do this. Everyone thought I was, too, but it wasn't a matter of choice. It was necessity.

        "We're not in college anymore," I said. "I have to deal with the real world now."

        In my early twenties, nothing bothered me. I didn't have these weights on my shoulders because I was young. I could do whatever I wanted. Do whoever I wanted, and most of all, I had Gabriel. I could give him all of me. We were a couple, in private and publicly, because we were in college. People didn't give a fuck.

        "I know it's hard," Arya said. "It was hard for me, too. My father is supportive, but the rest of the family isn't. You think I don't know about all these aunties and uncles talking shit about me behind my back? I'm still the family's 'dirty little secret.' Even your family is against it."

        "My dad," I corrected. "Nila and Alisha don't care. Hell, Alisha is pro-LGBT. Her best friend is gay. My mother doesn't say much, but she doesn't judge. My father is the one you have to worry about."

        "Why don't you come out to your mother and sisters then?" Priyanka asked. "They seem cool as hell."

        I shook my head. "If my mother and sisters know, it won't be long before my dad does, too. Not because they would choose to tell him, but they could slip up. I can't risk it."

        I was a pussy when it came to my family. I couldn't deny it, but I also couldn't fix it.

        "Also, not only is Arya dating a girl, but she's dating a girl like me," Priyanka said. "Look at me. Darker skin. Curly hair. Apparently, I'm not the ideal person for Arya."

        Priyanka was gorgeous. If I was straight, I would have totally tapped that. Her skin and hair didn't detract from her value.

        Arya kissed her cheek. "That's bullshit. You're beautiful." They smiled at each other.

        "With all the hate, how do you guys stay together?"

        "We love each other enough to face anything," Arya said, "including our families' bigotry."

        "Sometimes, when things aren't working out, you have to look at yourself," Priyanka said. "Your family is a huge factor, but a lot of time, the truth is inside of us."

        Then I was empty. There was nothing left. Darian once told me that while we were hooking up, before he and Kenji got together, that Kenji was the whole package. I, on the other hand, was an empty box. I created anticipation, but once I was opened, nothing was there. We joked about it and laughed it off, but he was right.

        I looked like the whole package on the outside, but once I was opened, there was nothing there.

        Gabriel thought he wanted me, but did he? Did he only see the outside of the box and was he expecting more?

        When I was younger, I didn't worry about shit like this. I could be the laid-back Gyan. Hooking up with various men. Never taking anything seriously because I had a smart remark for anything and everything.

        Was I empty then, too?

        I didn't know. I was twenty-six, but I felt like some teenager trying to discover themself. It was too late to start all over. All I had to do was follow the path made for me.

        "I struggled with that, too," Arya said. "When I was younger, I did a lot of shit. Especially to my friends."

        "I remember." I chuckled. "You were annoying as hell."

        "I was," Arya agreed. "I was a bitch. I'm still a little bit of a bitch now, but I'm a cool bitch. Not a bitch bitch."

        I laughed. "But you've changed. You're so different now."

        Arya was new and improved. She had her friends. She worked at her father's company. She had a beautiful girlfriend. She was sober and in therapy to get passed the whole Aarav thing, along with other demons. She moved from rock bottom to a person who had her life together.

        "Being hopeless doesn't mean you have to stay hopeless," Priyanka said. "The problem isn't always external. Most of the time, people who are hurting hurt other people."

        "That was me," Arya said. "I projected a lot of my anger on other people."

        I should have been more pissed and more frustrated, but at this point, I felt like a bystander in my life, just watching everything unfold. It wasn't that I didn't care. I just didn't know where to begin.

        I placed the glass on the living room table. "I'm fucked," I said while rubbing my hand down my face. "I'm frustrated. Work, family, the marriage, even sexually."

        "Wait," Arya said with her index finger up, "Gabriel has only been gone for a week, and you guys were messing around before that. It hasn't been that long for you to be sexually frustrated."

        "It has been long," I said. "My semen is accumulating. If this shit continues, my balls will burst."

        Priyanka laughed while Arya continued to stare at me. "One advice," Priyanka said before partially closing her fist and making an up and down motion. "Your right hand is an amazing thing. Use it."

        "I want Gabriel's right hand," I said. "I'm going to save it for when he comes back."

        Arya's eyes widened. "I guess your balls really will burst."

        Priyanka stared at me. "Gabriel is gone, and you're thinking about sex?" I couldn't say anything. "Why are you so focused on sex when it comes to Gabriel? It wasn't like that in college. What has changed?"

        Anushka was right. For this marriage to work, feelings couldn't be involved. At the same time, I promised Gabriel that I wouldn't use sex to push him away anymore. But, that was the only thing I would always be able to give him. It was reliable, and I was getting too close.

        I couldn't wait for a hook-up to become something more.

        But he was Gabriel.

        I released a heavy sigh. A part of me told myself that I wished he never came back, but every time I thought about that, it left a terrible feeling in my chest. I couldn't imagine college being the last time I would have seen him.

        Fuck.

        My honor or Gabriel.

        Why couldn't I have both? But I knew better. It was one or the other. I could never be with Gabriel without disgracing my family and tarnishing my reputation.

        "Gyan," Arya said, "what the fuck are you doing here? You should be out there trying to fix this shit with Gabriel."

        I didn't know if this could be fixed. Nothing would change. I would still have to marry Anushka.

        I said this, but I stood up and nodded at Arya. "You're right." I gathered my phone and wallet. "I have to see him."

        "That's the spirit," Priyanka said with her hands in a fist.

        "Go get your man," Arya added, and I rolled my eyes as I exited the living room to put my shoes on before heading out the door.

        It took some time, but I contacted Darian who contacted Kenji who gave me the motel and room number Gabriel was staying at. When I found it, I knocked on the door.

        It took a couple seconds, but he opened it. His eyes expanded. "Gyan..."

        "Hear me out," I said. "I know you're frustrated, and I know this is unfair." He crossed his arms. "But please come home. We'll talk and work this out."

        His hands came down. "You always say that, but it never does. This isn't going to work out."

        "This is ridiculous," I said motioning to the place. "You can't stay here forever."

        "I'm looking for a place to stay."

        My shoulders slacked slightly, but I got it together and stood upright. "I don't fight for my men," I said without thinking, and Gabriel's eyes became slits. "Never have and never will."

        "Then why are you here?" he asked.

        "I don't do this," I said. "Chasing after people and trying to get them to stay with me. I let them go because I don't have time for that. There're plenty of other asses out there."

        I could leave this motel right now and find someone to fuck. I could find plenty of bottoms and tops to meet my needs. Gabriel wasn't my only option.

        But here I was, at his motel.

        Gabriel nodded in acceptance. "Then go find those asses."

        "Gabriel!" I blocked the door before he could close it. I looked off to the side for a second before returning my gaze to him. "I don't know how to do this."

        He opened the door wider. "Fight for something that doesn't just fall in your lap?" I didn't respond. "That's the problem. You don't try. You fight for nothing. You stick to what's easy. You don't even fight for happiness, so I would be delusional to think you'll fight for me."

        "You don't understand."

        "I understand clearly," he said. "You'll never choose me because being with me isn't convenient for you."

        "Gabriel, please."

        I just wanted him to come home. I wanted to wake up in the morning and go to bed at night knowing he was in the other room. I wanted to come home from a long day to see him going about his business, not having to acknowledge me for me to acknowledge him.

        "Go home," Gabriel said. "You belong there, not me." He was about to close the door, but he stopped. "Gyan?" He had my attention. "If you don't stand for anything, at least stand up for yourself."

        He closed the door, leaving me standing outside with nothing to say and not knowing what to do. This was why I didn't fight. It was useless. But I couldn't leave immediately, hoping he'd come to his senses, open the door, and leave with me.

        He didn't.

        I had no other choice but to walk away and drive back home. I wondered if he finally realized it. Did he finally open the box to see what was inside? The emptiness. If he did, did he think I was a lost cause?

        When I arrived at the apartment, it was silent. I got some water from the fridge, knowing I would be spending the night with no one sleeping in the other room. This confirmed my suspicions.

        There was nothing worth fighting for.