(6)

When I sent you that message to meet, it wasn't just to spring my journey on you or to tell you I was leaving, permanently. I called you to apologise.

Yes. I was sorry about what I had done, to you, to us and I wanted to apologise. I really wanted to. But when I saw the hate and regret swimming unabashedly in your eyes, I simply couldn't let myself apologize. Why? Because I feared you might misunderstand.

It was true that I am sorry about what happened that night with you but I didn't regret it, I feared you might confuse my being sorry as regret and I simply couldn't allow that. No, I didn't regret it. I have always known you were the one for me, the only one actually and if I was going to do it ever, I wanted it to be with you. But I screwed it up big time, didn't I?

God, I couldn't believe that you called what happened between us rape. It was more than that and we both know it. I felt it and I know you felt it too, we both did. It wasn't right, what I did, but it was amazing nevertheless. Our bodies had merged and created magic that night. I know you don't want to remember that part, but it's the truth too. The struggling was only at the beginning but at the end, we both know you wanted what we did, I guess you were just ashamed it happened. And that had pained alot.

And before I knew what I was doing, I told you I was leaving forever. I couldn't stand you hating me when all I could think of was having you in my life forever. I feared losing you and I was afraid I already have. You can't even begin to fathom my pain that day. But I saw too late that I was wrong. You had been scared too and I had just confirmed your fears.

"It was lust all along, wasn't it?" You'd asked and I had hesitated. And just like that you'd grabbed my car keys and walked away mistaking my hesitation for my acceptance.

But you couldn't be more wrong.

I hesitated, Rei, not because I wasn't sure about us but because I never thought you would think of me that way. I love you, Rei, I thought that was obvious. I love you with everything I have and everything I hope to have. But then in a blink of an eye you were gone and then the accident happened and I was erased completely from your life.

And do you know what the painful part was, it was only me you didn't remember; you didn't even give me a second chance, and with that video out, your dad wouldn't let me anywhere near you. I tried so hard to speak with you or even look at you from afar but that had proved almost impossible with my lawsuit and your dad out for my neck. But then his accident had occurred too and I watched your uncle drag you away to Katsina and I knew we were really over. There was absolutely no hope for me. I have lost you.

I might not have regretted that night, Rei, but I regretted its aftermath especially since it took you away from me.

* * *

I woke up to the pungent smell of a disinfect which I knew was only found in hospitals invading my nostrils. I know because I have always hated the smell. The room was quiet save my  heavy breathing and the beep beep sound of a machine which very much sounded like the one you often hear in hospitals that indicates you're alive. I opened my eyes slowly, squinting in an attempt to sharpen the blurred images sorrounding me. I glanced around and took in the empty magnolia painted hospital room. How long have I been here? I shut my eyes, trying to remember what had exactly happened. Then like a bang, it all flooded me. Aman, the letters, everything.

I put my hand to my head which was suddenly throbbing and tried to sit up. But the next thing I know was a desperate voice pleading with me to wake up.

"Wake up!" The voice sounded desperate and urgent

It however took me a while for my eyes to open to a blurry shape of Jabir sitting beside me. I closed my eyes again briefly, reaching upwards with stiff limbs to press the frozen heels of my palms on his face.

"Thank God, you are conscious, I thought I had lost you." He muttered, leaning back on his heels, when I re-opened my eyes

I was, however, simply staring at him, wondering how long was I here to make him all worried and how was it I was even here.

A few minutes passed in awkward silence. Eventually, he finally broke it.

"Forgive me if I startled you," he said, "I was just excited." 

I remained silent. No, not because I was shy. But because I was amazed at how much love he had for me. He wasn't even trying to hide how he feels.

Finally snapping myself out, "Who are you?" I squeaked out glowering at him.

However I despised my poor attempt at humor the moment I saw the fear clouding his eyes. But before I had a chance to say anything he interrupted by  asking me if I felt okay, if something was wrong with me. Panic was written all over his handsome face

I took a long hard stare at his concerned face and I bursted into laughter. His expression then changed to confusion which made me laugh even harder. When I have finally got a grip of myself, he told me he didn't understand what I found so hysterical.

"The way you reacted. How you look so shocked. I haven't seen you like that ever. It made me want to laugh despite my throbbing head."

He smiled a shy smile, probably not knowing what to say. 

I took the chance to ask him how long I was here. He was about to answer my question when a voice I really wanted to forget, really need to forget knocked on the door.

I felt my body stiffen at his invasion. I didn't want him here nor do I want to see him, not now, not when the guilt was still so fresh but before I could do anything, he was already in my line of sight, smiling at me.

"It's good to have you back, Rei."

And thus my nightmare began, all over again.