I don't know what's worse; loving with pain or not loving at all.

-Sweet_Sultana

* * *

|Letter 8|

     Captain,

              Why do you love me, captain? I've always been curious. Why me? There were, still are, millions of girls out there who would kill to be Captain Mukhtar Auwal Ingawa's bride, so why me? You always knew I was broken, perhaps not how much, but you knew and yet you still chose me, why? Why? Why?

      Because I keep getting all these weird ideas, thoughts.  I kept thinking that maybe if I knew why, I could make it go away. And maybe stop you from getting hurt. And maybe keep you away from me. And maybe

        I don't know.

        And I am scared.
      
        And I don't want to be afraid anymore. Or unsure. Or even broken. I don't want to lie either, or keep secrets.

       And... I don't want to be afraid of losing you either, captain.
      
        So please, let me know.

        I really need you too.

With love, forever,

Maryam Muhammad Maishadda.

|Letter 9|

Captain,

          Do you want to know something strange? whenever I think of you, I think of a hedgehog with its sharp spines and its ability to roll itself up into a ball.

        You were like that. Like a hedgehog.

        With you, I've always needed to be careful not to get injured by your sharp edges and whenever I did get pass them, you roll into an insurmountable ball, and it seemed the harder I tried to get into your defences, the fiercer you protected them.

         But do you know what the hedgehogs do whenever they are cold? They hug eachother- despite the sting of the spine on their backs, they cling to eachother. Then I find myself wondering, why couldn't we be like them?

       God! I miss you.

Maryam Muhammad Maishadda.

I paused at this junction to rearrange my thoughts, reliving what I had gone through which the pages of this book had brought back . . . both the good, the bad and the ugly.

I guess meeting Aman again out of the blue was something my heart had yet to recover from and the pain I had safely tucked away were coming back in gasps. I was feeling it all over again—this wasn't what I had in mind when I thought about closure and I didn't know what to do with myself.

It suddenly felt too much.

Honestly, I didn't want to see him, or talk to him. I didn't know if I should be relieved either; I finally get to ask him why, face to face, or if I should be angry at him for tarnishing the memory I had of him with that absurd proposal.

However all these questions and doubts did nothing to change the fact that I loved him.

God! It's almost impossible to really hate someone when all your heart does is betray you with memories of something nice they did for you.

Not knowing what to think anymore, I decided not to think or read again for now.

And thankfully, my mind had complied beautifully distracted by a call from Jabir.

* * *

Later that night,  I got ready for my date with Hannah hurriedly and then rushed past my mum in the living room carrying her car keys on the centre table.

"See you soon, ma!"

"Where are you running off to now all dressed up?" She called after me

"New year date with Hannah. I told you about it yesterday." I called back as I dashed right out of the door and down to her car in what felt like in a flash.

Turning on the ignition, I checked the clock on my phone. It was almost eight thirty p.m. I was thirty minutes late. We had decided to meet up at Hannah's.

Driving as fast as I can and as safe as I can, I made my way to my best friend's house.

* * *

It took me ten minutes to get there thanks to the lull in traffic.

Normally, it takes me thirty to thirty-five minutes depending on the traffic.

I met her standing outside her house gate waiting for me. She shot me a quick glance as she settled in the passenger seat, "You look like a mess."

I frown at her. I mean what was wrong with my face? Fine, I didn't get much sleep, but it wasn't all that bad, was it? I stared at the mirror.

"I mean...look at your face, did you sleep at all? What's with all the dark circles?" she continued.

"C'mon Hitler, it's not that bad." I said rolling my eyes at her. "You look stunning."

She always do. Hannah was beautiful with light brown eyes, and full red lips you'll like to kiss whenever you saw them, and today she is wearing a champagne coloured gown and her long silky hair is covered with a black veil held back perfectly.

"Thanks, but-

"Please do not even think of lecturing me today." I groaned cutting her off.

She held up her hands,"Wouldn't dream of it."

"Where are we headed?" I asked hoping desperately to change the topic. My head hurts, like really, really.

"I wanted stopping at the mall-" she stared at her wristwatch, " but we are already an hour late. Just drive to Arewa House. We are going to crash a party."

I bit my lip, party crashing, I swallow nervously, well trust her to think of the craziest of things.

* * *

The party turned out to be her ex boyfriend's. The same one that she'd rejected a million times. Turned out he was marrying one of her frenemy and that was reason enough to crash.

Apparently, the mall was for their wedding gift. I know, my besty is crazy.

"So what's up?" Hannah asked. We stopped at Havila for Ice cream.

"With?" I asked as I dug into my popcorn.

"With you."

"Nothing,"

"Nothing?"

"NOTHING!" I almost yelled somewhat irritatedly.

I wonder why I feel everybody seems to be watching me closely lately. I don't blame them though, I was also watching myself, but did it have to be so blatant?

"Nothing wouldn't make an educated girl such as you to work as a housekeeper of an empty house for the last two months?"

"I love my Job," I said with a faint trace of irritation.

I had been wondering when we were going to have this conversation. I didn't know Hannah would last this long before bringing it up, it was something I know she was dying to know.

Without taking her eyes off me, Hannah said, "I don't think that's the complete truth."

I looked at the her and admitted. “I missed him!”

"Oh my God!" Hannah exclaimed. "Are you trying to tell me that the house you work was his house?”

I rolled my eyes and nodded.

It wasn't deliberate and at first I didn't even know. I saw the ad for a housekeeper on the estate's medical centre's gate when I had gone to give my mom a file she had forgotten at home. It was good money and a trek able distance from my house.

I had however declined when I found out who the house belonged to but for some odd reason the manager had insisted and since I needed the distraction, I agreed. It wasn't like Aman was going to show up anytime soon. He was gone, for good.

Or so I had hoped, or not.

I had told my ma I had gotten a Job but I never told her where I was actually working, I don't think she would have understood. I don't think I understand either but it was also true that I really like working in the house, even though most times there was nothing to do. I especially like writing in the garden. It's calming.

"Hello," A deep voice said from beside me. I looked up and my eyes nearly pops out from its socket. In front of me was...

Aman?

How can he show up exactly when we were talking about him. I blink and sat there wondering what the hell was he doing here.

"Hi." Hannah answered sweetly at the same time staring at me with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"May I?" he asked gesturing to the sit close to mine, smiling at me. I couldn't help but notice the dimples forming in his cheeks.

"By all means, please." Hannah offered. I glared at her, but she deliberately evaded my gaze.

"I'm sorry, miss-" he said, looking at Hannah.

"Hannah, Hannah Aliyu." she said smiling at him.

He smiled back at her, revealing his devastatingly beautiful dimples. Damn, he is handsome!

I can feel his eyes on me, from the corner of my eyes. He was staring unabashedly at me making me fidget nervously in my seat.

"We meet again," I said finally smiling politely at him.

"Fate is on my side" he laughed, "I told you, didn't I?"

"I um... I," I start, and quickly said, " I don't think now is the right time."

I glanced pitifully at Hannah, motioning for her to help me out, but she chose that exact moment to ignore me.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't get your name." She said. Oh yes, I didn't introduce them.

"Aman Hassan Jibo."

"Aman," She repeated softly staring sheepishly at me. I glared at her. I know what she is doing but it wasn't going to work and before I could show her, she had suddenly needed to leave.

I know what she was trying to do. It was obviously matchmaking but I don't think it'll work this time. I know it won't. So instead, I distracted myself from his pining gaze by chewing my popcorn noisily, hoping he'll get the gist that he wasn't welcome here.

What kind of strange fate was this anyway? I groaned inwardly, I hadn't seen him in months and the day I do finally meet him, he seem to be everywhere. He really have to leave because right now I wasn't feeling sociable or even nice.

I looked up at Aman, and he was smiling mischievously at me with his eyes radiantly staring at me. God, I wish I could smack that silly smile out of his face.

"I had wished for us to meet again today."

I raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"I love you." He blurted.

My eyes widen. "What?"

"I said I am in love you."

Wow, what the hell is he? a freaking nutcase?

I inhaled deeply. I really have to go now before I did or say something I'd really regret.

"I'm sorry but can we talk some other time?" I was feeling nauseous again.

"I can take you home." He suggested with his deep Amber eyes searching my face.

"No, thanks." I said standing up. "-but that won't be necessary."

"May I see your phone?" he asked suddenly.

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously at him but I hand him the phone anyway. I didn't want to create a scene.

He punched in some numbers which I'm guessing to be his, dialled the number and then returned my phone moments later.

"Take care, Reima." he says with a smirk. And just as I took a step. "You look beautiful." he blurts out suddenly out of the blue.

My heart beats violently against my ribcage, I was a sucker always for compliments.

Smiling shyly, I muttered "Thanks." before walking away and facing my best friend with her amusing gaze.

"Sweet God, What a life!" I exclaimed softly.